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I feel so confused. Am I Asexual?


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Where do I begin? I've always thought something was wrong with me. I've been with men and women sexually, more times than not it begins with me being drunk. Or doing it to get them to like me, because let's face it. Sex is on alot of people's minds. I used to see romantic scenes on tv.. the passion/lust and wonder why I never felt that. (they must be acting) No one feels that way.. do they? I have loved and have had deep connections with men.. would have a sexual relationship, but never really wanted to. Once I knew they loved me.. the more time in between encounters the better. I was always cheated on. I did always find women beautiful.. and attractive... just not the, I want to sleep with you attractive. Since both of those things occored.. 10 years ago I decided I was a lesbian. Atleast most of their sexual desires were emotionally compatibility related. Which i understood more.. It was exciting at first. To feel like I fit in somewhere. Still needed to be "drunk" to get to the point where I could semi want/enjoy it. Obviously you can't stay drunk... so having alot of time in between is what I enjoyed most. Basicly I would give in when they would bug and bug. It made me feel bad. Why can't I look at someone I love and have no sexual desire? I love them... I want to be with them.. I just really could never have sex again and be okay with that. On the other hand.. I can see how damaging that can be to the other person evolved . *sigh* So.. even with women.. I've been cheated on.. with every single one. Because I can't be that sexual being they need. It's been heart breaking. I just herd the term Asexual.. I didn't even know it was a thing? I just thought something was wrong with me. I've even tried to convince the Dr. I must have a thyroid issue because I can't think of any other reason? But I dont. My GF of 3 years (who's already cheated) brought up the topic of lack of sex AGAIN. It's been 5 months... this is unacceptable. You obviously don't love me. 😕 This isn't the case. I tried to explain to her the little bit of information I've read and she doesn't understand. She says no way possible because we had sex often when we first got together. Its what I've always done because its "what you are supposed to do"... I like making my partner happy.. but at the end of the day I would rather not. Now that I'm getting older its hard for me to compromise my desires for the happiness of another person. I'm confused because I've read that if you have had sex.. or have enjoyed the act... you must not be Asexual. I have... but it certinaly was not initiated by me. And the enjoyment came more from the connection achieved than the sex . To be honest body fluid grosses me out. NOW I'm even more confused. Am I gay ? Bi? Asexual? I just want to feel like I fit in to a category mostly so I can feel like I'm not alone. I haven't had the chance to read much on this forum.. but plan to. I just wanted to start with throwing myself out there and getting some feedback? Thanks for this group even existing. I just want to cry.  😢

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Purple Wanderer

Tick alot of  Asexual boxes far as I'm concerned.     It could be a libido thing...  but  lack of interest, you describe it as doing it for her sake, you'd be happy without points towards Asexuality. 

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Across this forum, you'll find people who are sex-favorable, willing to seek it out even in the absence of attraction; sex-neutral, ok with engaging in some sexual activity, typically for the benefit of a partner; sex-averse, experiencing discomfort and repulsion from sexual activity, and basically every gradation in between. I tend to fluctuate between neutral and averse. What doesn't fluctuate much is that I really don't experience sexual attraction. Random attraction to a stranger? Never. Sudden realization that I'd like to have sex with a friend? Never. I've always fluctuated in how I respond when others have asked me. I have ended a date with a handshake. I have engaged in sexual activity to please a partner and to have a chance to be held afterwards. As I get older, I have way less patience for doing what I'm not interested in doing and I feel more empowered to only ask for what I want. Hope this is helpful and glad you found this place. 

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You are not alone.

 

This community has been great for me with lots of helpful people and loads of support.

I hope you find the answers and help you are needing

 

Take Care

 

Andrew

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