AnonymousUnknown Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Hello. I’m looking for advice regarding a guy I’m talking to who has sexual needs and watches pornography, whereas I am not sexual at all and I would want to wait until after marriage. I don’t know for sure that I’m asexual, but I definitely do not want to have until after marriage with anybody if at all. We haven’t been talking for a long period of time at all, but we talk a lot daily. We’re not actually in a relationship, but we both like each other a lot and care for each other a lot. The way things seem to have been going is leading to a relationship, however, we have both made it perfectly clear that I am not sexual and do not intend to have sex until after marriage, but he however has sexual needs and watches pornography to fulfill those needs. He said he doesn’t have a problem with me not being sexual and won’t force anything on me, but he still has to take care of his needs. However, I don’t like him watching porn. It upsets me that he looks at other women and won’t wait for me until I’m ready even if we were in a relationship and he loved me. We are happy talking to each other and everything is going well, besides the fact that he watches porn. We’ve been discussing and arguing about it for the past few days now. He keeps saying I’m trying to change him and he won’t just stop watching. I told him I’d try to move past it, but I don’t know if I can. I like him a lot and I don’t know what to do. If others could help/give me advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I'm half a dozen decades old and have never had sex. However both me and your boyfriend have something called a libido. We both deal with it the same way. Although now agnostic, I was raised Catholic. As far as I understood things, sex was something to only be performed by a married man and woman. Premarital sex was a strict taboo. Frankly though, I doubt many Catholics marry being virgins. A bit of ancient Roman hedonism in our blood, perhaps. None in mine apparently. Have you ever had sexual desires? This can be difficult to answer because asexuals don't know what sexual desires are. Do you and your friend plan to marry? Would you be willing to participate in something you have no desire for just to satisfy your partner? Some sexual/asexual marriages are like this. It works just as long your sexual partner understands you prefer not to express your affection sexually. Try not to be upset because your friend enjoys pornography. Its all just a sexual fantasy. Those women aren't real. I really doubt he has any desire for them. He is just satisfying a natural urge he has. Most men are probably like this, asexual or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 This may be unpopular... but its hard enough to maintain a relationship with a sexual if you're not without denying him that. Whilst you may not like Porn it could just be a means to an end for him and will put extra stress on a relationship if he's forced to stop. - I'd expect he'd either stop as requested but be unhappy about it, or continue without your knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 You can't force him to stop if he doesn't want to, at best you'll send him into resentful secrecy about it. But, I know what it feels like to be bothered by it. Because, it is watching other women and using them for sexual fulfillment. It feels the same to me as someone watching it IRL, if they watch it recorded. Sure, there isn't any touching, but it's not really the physical act that is the issue. You could try looking into polyamory coping methods, some of those can be helpful. But, I think in the end, if you're really so monogamous the use of other women to meet his needs in anyway bothers you, you'll just have to accept being hurt sometimes and maybe asking him to not mention it so you can out of sight out of mind it, or find someone more compatible (which, would be hard, as most asexuals seem to watch porn as well). Also note: Most people will continue watching porn even while having an active sex life, so don't expect him to stop after marriage if you two get there. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 If you won’t have sex before you are married, why would he have to stop watching porn? I don’t think you can express a dissatisfaction about him watching porn when his choice may be to have sex with you (albeit he may have been polite about it all and said he is fine and will wait for you patiently). There are a couple of things though that ringing alarm bells with your post though. You want to wait until marriage to have sex but you suspect you may be asexual? So what happens if he supports your decision to be a virgin and after your wedding and a few sexual encounters with him you decide that actually, sex really isn’t for me. What then? You have to divorce? Is he aware he may be waiting for the rest of his life if it turns out you are an asexual who never wants sex? Also, are you prepared for the fact that he may have a porn addiction? If he does, you may end up being second choice in the bedroom for the rest of your life! I think you guys need to have a long chat and get this all out in the open. Why does he watch porn? Would it be different if you were having sex together. Will you ever have sex together? And so on..... You get my point hopefully! Link to post Share on other sites
Depressed1980 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I feel sorry for him. Seems like he cares for you but you’re controlling. He is sexual. You aren’t willing to give him that but you won’t allow him to have any sexual satisfaction. Im trapped in a similar scenario and it’s not fair. Especially if you’re not honest with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rhaenys Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 You think you're ace and you want to wait till marriage. What will you do if you get married and the asexuality begins to kick in then he's unhappy and you're unhappy? He has a libido and that thing is pest, it's a natural occurence but it's a strong pest that needs to be taken care of and he's not getting that from you. Him watching porn may simply be to take care of his needs and not because he's "cheating" on you or looking at other women. Even if you get him to stop I guarantee he'll watch it behind your back as most people do. Link to post Share on other sites
AnonymousUnknown Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 @James121 We have talked. @Depressed1980 What am I not being honest about? @MrJ @Serran I know I can’t force him. Even if I tried amd continuously talked to him about it, he’s made it perfectly clear he’s not going to stop Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Do you believe you are Asexual or Celibate? Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Does he think there's a good chance you'll want to have sex when you're married? Because as a whole, your post give the impression you won't, but you may well have given him the impression you will. Just as your body is yours to decide what to do with, so is his body his. Are you okay with him masturbating without the porn? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: Just as your body is yours to decide what to do with, so is his body his. Are you okay with him masturbating without the porn? A lot of people who are not OK with porn are fine with it without the porn. But, again, that's not really a useful way to go. If someone finds pornography important to their masturbatory habits, it isn't going to stop. I am OK with it without the porn and OK making home made stuff for them to use of me and it's never been enough for someone that liked porn. So, it's best imo to not even go down the "what if they didn't look at other people..." route when examining the issue. Cause it's a useless what if. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 There's a difference though. If OP is saying 'no sex (possibly ever) and no masturbation', then I'd say that was unreasonable and controlling - essentially it comes down to saying he must suppress his libido because she doesn't have one. But if it's just 'no porn because it feels uncomfortably like infidelity to me', it's more in the realm of normal relationship compromise to me. Link to post Share on other sites
AnonymousUnknown Posted February 24, 2018 Author Share Posted February 24, 2018 @MrJ I do want to get married, so I am not celibate. I believe I’m asexual/demisexual. @Telecaster68 I would be willing to have sex after marriage, but not before. I told him I would be willing to be okay with him masturbating and not watching porn, but he says he has to watch to masturbate. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 3 hours ago, Hannah620 said: @James121 We have talked. @Depressed1980 What am I not being honest about? @MrJ @Serran I know I can’t force him. Even if I tried amd continuously talked to him about it, he’s made it perfectly clear he’s not going to stop What has his response been if/when you asked whether he would still watch porn when you are together as a sexually active couple? Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 @Hannah620 What I would hate to happen in your situation would be for you to get married - then as your ACE have zero interest in sex and be in a situation where you have force yourself into regular sex to keep him happy (for some folk this is fine they don't feel any stress or negativity in doing so - some do) or if you didn't want to have sex him be resentful frustrated angry etc. Link to post Share on other sites
AnonymousUnknown Posted February 25, 2018 Author Share Posted February 25, 2018 @James121 he wouldn’t. @MrJ he knows I’m not that interested in sex so I didn’t think that’d be much of a problem, but I dont know Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 29 minutes ago, Hannah620 said: @James121 he wouldn’t. @MrJ he knows I’m not that interested in sex so I didn’t think that’d be much of a problem, but I dont know Tricky situation Hannah. Don’t bank on him being ok without sex because I would say there is a very good chance that he won’t be. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Depressed1980 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Like I said earlier, completely controlling. She won’t let him masturbate to porn ( but he can masturbate without porn?) but says she’s asexual..... then says she’s potentially ok with sex after marriage. How is that asexual? Dealing with an asexual here and she put up with it til marriage and gone years without. Sounds like you have issues with sex but clearly not a asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Depressed1980 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Quit wasting his time and figure yourself out. You don’t know what you want. And honestly what difference does marriage make ( you’re already iffy on it and seem to make it your crutch for not having sexual relations)? You’re definitely controlling because you don’t know what you want but want to make sure he can’t even fantasize about women in porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 14 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: But if it's just 'no porn because it feels uncomfortably like infidelity to me', it's more in the realm of normal relationship compromise to me. To you, maybe. But, a lot of people think that is outside the realm of acceptable compromise. And, honestly, everyone I've met who claimed that was an acceptable compromise and tried it, ended up watching porn and just telling their SO that they didn't. My exes, friends, co-workers partners, family's partners, etc. If someone is used to watching porn for masturbation, it's a bad bet to bet on them stopping for you. It's like trying to get someone to quit smoking for you. If they don't want to for themselves, they won't. I worked on attempting to figure out how to make that compromise work for over a decade with various people. I can safely say it's not as easy as it sounds. 13 hours ago, Hannah620 said: @James121 he wouldn’t. He's saying he won't watch it once you are together? Did you two go into more detail on this one? He won't if he's fully sexually satisfied? He won't even if he has to go away from you for some reason (say one of you has a family emergency that takes you away from each other for a month or more) and he needs to masturbate during that time? He won't even if your sexual frequency isn't his ideal and he has to masturbate still to keep up with his libido? Sorry, but again, I've heard the "I won't need porn once I have you!" thing plenty of times and it always is a nice gesture in theory... but there is hardly any way to 100% sexually satisfy a person unless you're extremely sexually compatible. As such, people tend to masturbate within relationships. And he's telling you he needs porn to masturbate, while telling you he won't use it after you're married? Does this mean he expects you to be ready whenever his libido is flaring up? Seems an unrealistic expectation to me. Even a sexual-sexual couple would have trouble always being available for the rest of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 1 hour ago, Serran said: But, a lot of people think that is outside the realm of acceptable compromise. And, honestly, everyone I've met who claimed that was an acceptable compromise and tried it, ended up watching porn and just telling their SO that they didn't. My exes, friends, co-workers partners, family's partners, etc. If someone is used to watching porn for masturbation, it's a bad bet to bet on them stopping for you. It's like trying to get someone to quit smoking for you. If they don't want to for themselves, they won't. I worked on attempting to figure out how to make that compromise work for over a decade with various people. I can safely say it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm not saying it would work, I'm saying it's okay to ask, just like it's okay to ask someone not to smoke around you. Asking someone not to masturbate when you're not willing to have sex with them is trying to control what they do with their body - that would be more like asking them to stop smoking entirely. One directly affects you, the other is encroaching on bodily autonomy of someone about something that doesn't affect you. But yes, it's all subjective, and if the OP's partner was here, I'd say the most practical thing to do was to lie about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: But yes, it's all subjective, and if the OP's partner was here, I'd say the most practical thing to do was to lie about it. It's honestly the worst thing to do, as it just makes the whole issue that much worse when it is found out they lied (and there is no way to hide that forever). Cause it already can cause the same hurt and insecurities that cheating can, but without the feeling of mistrust - you add in lies and it just makes things that much harder to deal with. It's best imo to just do what the OP's partner is doing and be up front that you won't stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 1 minute ago, Serran said: It's honestly the worst thing to do, as it just makes the whole issue that much worse when it is found out they lied (and there is no way to hide that forever). Cause it already can cause the same hurt and insecurities that cheating can, but without the feeling of mistrust - you add in lies and it just makes things that much harder to deal with. It's best imo to just do what the OP's partner is doing and be up front that you won't stop. I'm not convinced by this 'truth always comes out' trope. By definition, nobody knows all the times it hasn't. If the OP and her boyfriend want to make their relationship work, there are four options: 1. He does as he's told and stops using porn. 2. She graciously allows him to continue using porn. 3. He continues to use porn without telling her. 4. They split up. (1) is clearly not going to happen. I doubt (2) is either, going by the OP's statements. Which leaves him lying about it (or at least them both going for a DADT approach), or them splitting up. Since the entire downside of him using porn is in the OP's head and she seems disinclined or unable to let go of it, the best result - they stay together and she doesn't feel insecure - is achieved by him him lying, much in the same way as the answer to 'does my bum look big in this?' is always 'no'. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said: I'm not convinced by this 'truth always comes out' trope. By definition, nobody knows all the times it hasn't. If the OP and her boyfriend want to make their relationship work, there are four options: 1. He does as he's told and stops using porn. 2. She graciously allows him to continue using porn. 3. He continues to use porn without telling her. 4. They split up. (1) is clearly not going to happen. I doubt (2) is either, going by the OP's statements. Which leaves him lying about it (or at least them both going for a DADT approach), or them splitting up. Since the entire downside of him using porn is in the OP's head and she seems disinclined or unable to let go of it, the best result - they stay together and she doesn't feel insecure - is achieved by him him lying, much in the same way as the answer to 'does my bum look big in this?' is always 'no'. When you live together, you're bound to walk in on them, or notice it in the history of the browser, or they forget and leave it up, or a file is on the PC, or something is left on clipboard, or it gets mentioned by a friend that isn't aware, or ... etc, etc, etc. It's extremely hard to keep something like that secret forever. Out of all the people I've ever seen try to lie about it, zero have done it successfully. And the lie made the issue much, much worse - some to the point their partners started requiring their email address logins and stuff to "check up on them" (which is very, very unhealthy imo and you might as well break up if trust is that lacking). Long-term, it's a terrible route to take. And it's not something simple like saying "no" to "do I look fat in this?" - it can in fact be a very big lie which can hurt trust within the relationship. Remember, you're talking about something that feels like doing something that should be between relationship partners with other people involved. That can hurt trust and make insecurities so much worse. You're right about the options available. But, 2 or 4 are the best ones imo. It's possible to work on getting beyond being upset by another person's need to involve other people in their sexuality in some cases. If I described how extremely negative my emotions surrounding it are, you'd probably assume 2 was impossible for me too. But, I deal with feeling hurt, feeling like physical intimacy between us isn't as special as I'd like it to be, feeling unattractive cause I know I'll never have the skinny physique of a professional, feeling inadequate cause I also know I will never have the skill in seduction of a professional, feeling weirded out when asked to do something new cause it probably came from porn and then it's just weird doing something that came from how great orgasming to another woman doing it was, and use various coping techniques to be able to still maintain a relationship despite people needing to get off to other people to be satisfied in their life. It will never be perfect. But, it's a lot better than being lied to. And the likelihood of finding a person that doesn't want other people involved in their sexual pleasure in some way is very, very, very low, so it's an unrealistic expectation. For those of us who do just want our partners and no one else, not even if it's a stranger video taping themselves a thousand miles away for a quick help to orgasm, learning to deal with the negative emotions is part of relationships. Otherwise, you have to just cross your fingers and pray you find one of the tiny minority that feels the same that you also happen to be compatible with in every other way to make a relationship work, or accept being alone forever cause your requirements will never be met. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 4 minutes ago, Serran said: When you live together, you're bound to walk in on them, or notice it in the history of the browser, or they forget and leave it up, or a file is on the PC, or something is left on clipboard, or it gets mentioned by a friend that isn't aware, or ... etc, etc, etc. I Well it would require a degree of discretion on his part, like say only looking at it on his phone with the browser set to incognito, but I don't think any of those things are inevitable. 7 minutes ago, Serran said: Out of all the people I've ever seen try to lie about it, zero have done it successfully. Unless absolutely everyone you know is open about the entirety of their porn use, and you've checked the history of every device they've ever used to confirm what they've said, you can't possibly know that. You only know the ones who've told you about it, which kind of implies they're not great at secrets/discretion in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Unless absolutely everyone you know is open about the entirety of their porn use, and you've checked the history of every device they've ever used to confirm what they've said, you can't possibly know that. You only know the ones who've told you about it, which kind of implies they're not great at secrets/discretion in the first place. "I've ever seen try to lie about it" obviously says people I know who have lied about it. And, generally I know about it from their partners, cause they're the ones that end up in a sobbing mess when they find out their partners not only have been looking at it, but also lied to them about it. Most people I know are fine with their partners looking at porn. However, I know about a dozen people who are not and their partners inevitably agreed to stop, but of course they lied and kept going - only for it to become a huge issue later in, rather than dealing with the issue from the get go. And as we all know, lying about something that could be a potential big deal breaker to one partner and letting them think it's not an issue, then marrying them, having kids with them, etc before they find out the truth is a very, very bad idea - for many reasons, a large one being it's unethical and a second one being it's setting both parties up to be hurt. 7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Well it would require a degree of discretion on his part, like say only looking at it on his phone with the browser set to incognito, but I don't think any of those things are inevitable. And remembering to close out all tabs in the phone before asking his wife to check his texts, or GPS something. And, beyond being hard to hide properly, it will become extremely frustrating to have to go run and hide in his own home to masturbate - especially if he has a highish libido and has to do it daily or every other day. So, I don't really see lies being good for either side in these situations. It also tends to cause resentment from the person having to hide, in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 31 minutes ago, Serran said: extremely frustrating to have to go run and hide in his own home to masturbate - especially if he has a highish libido and has to do it daily or every other day. That's probably the least frustrating part of his (lack of) sex life, by a long, long way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Person A saying no to sex with Person B is Person A's right. What Person B does about that is Person B's right. But in that case, Person A is not being controlling, simply saying what they personally will not do. However, Person A telling Person B that Person B cannot masturbate or watch porn is attempting to control another person's body and behavior. Person B can do what they wish about that attempt at control, but if they obey, they can't reasonably complain. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 'Telling' would be an attempt at control. Saying 'it really makes me uncomfortable when...' isn't; it's just opening negotiations. There’s nothing wrong with bringing up stuff the other person does that you're not keen on - it's how you do it and how insistent you are that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 I think, @Hannah620 you are making a very serious mistake. You believe yourself to be asexual. You are marrying a sexual without the slightest idea of how you are planning to make it work. In fact, on your end, it is sounding like there is nothing much to work at all. You don't understand a need to have sex. Period. Right now, you are able to hide behind the marriage reason. Perhaps you genuinely believe that you will do it after marriage. However, I don't think you have gone as far as to visualize what having sex on a regular basis is. It is hard to imagine without experience and you're gambling the future of both of you on your supposition that you can handle it without any inclination on your part to support that assumption. Further, you don't seem to understand the need for sexual release at all. I am not saying this as blame, but as an observation. This, in fact seems to be a very common observation with asexuals - they don't get what the big deal with sex is at all. But it is very unwise to assume that because you don't get what the big deal is, it should not matter to your partner OR the opposite - that it will not matter to you if you engage in sex after marriage. Watching porn in itself is a matter of personal choice/view/whatever. Some watch it, some don't. What I find worrisome here is your attitude of possessiveness. It is sounding like you have no sexual interest in him and you do not expect him to have a sexual interest in anything not you - inanimate images included. How exactly do you imagine his sex life to be? Now or later? I think you don't have the foggiest and are making very big judgment calls with very serious consequences based on next to no information beyond a very disinterested and dismissive imagination. I would highly recommend a premarital affair, no holds barred. Fixing the sort of mistake you seem headed for gets very expensive on the emotions as well as time and the wallet. This is without the obvious lack of respect for him as an independent person with an autonomy over his own body. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.