Am I asexual / graysexual? Relationship help!

[Gimlee]

Hi everyone, this might be a bit open for this forum but I don’t really know where else to find answers, since no where online seems to have the information for my situation. 

 

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I’ve lived with him since July. Throughout these 2 years, whenever we’ve had sex it’s been him asking for it, me feeling bad for not giving it to him and eventually giving in after a while saying “oh, alright then”. And I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really want to or what, but sex is usually painful. Sometimes I want it, like when I got back from holiday in August and hadn’t seen him for a while, I wanted it then and it was good. Not great, but okay. 

 

We’ve not had sex for about 3.5 months at this point in time. He’s been wanting it, but has basically stopped asking. Then last night he tried again and I said no, so he asked if we’re ever going to have sex again. I said I don’t know and it turned into a long discussion with both of us crying and apologising. We don’t want to break up, we definitely love each other. I love cuddling him. But I don’t know if it’s something biologically wrong with me or if I’m asexual or graysexual or if I’m just not attracted to him. 

 

He said he loves me enough and wouldn’t mind never having sex again, but he’d rather it not come to that. 

 

Please help me, I really don’t want to disappoint him.

[Gldlynch]

Hey Gimlee

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're currently stuck in this pickle but honestly, it's quite a common situation when one person in a relationship is less sexual than the other.

 

The first thing to clarify is whether you are asexual or not. Asexuality is an umbrella term however low libido is not one aspect of it. People can be asexual (experiencing no sexual attraction), demisexual (experiencing sexual attraction once a deep emotional bond has been made) or gray-ace (experience sexual attraction on a fluctuating basis). It's seperate to whether we enjoy sexual behaviour as an activity (e.g. masturbation). When you are with your partner, do you feel sexually attracted to them? Do you feel that sexual chemistry is mutually vital in your relationship?

 

There's is nothing biologically wrong with you, you are not broken. We all have a gut instinct and that is asexuality is too.

 

When a sexual and a non-sexual partner have a relationship, a compromise has to be made regarding your sexual encounters. It's more than common for the non-sexual partner to have sex with their partner because their partner is a sexual person. It is also natural that a strange feeling rises from these encounters because sex doesn't feel as stereotypically arousing.

 

The main thing I recommend is to openly communicate these issues, because the last thing any relationship needs are secrets. I think you and your partner should discuss how sexual you both are. Look into the differences of asexuality and libido. Libido is a person's sex drive, it's the desire for having sexual contact whereas asexuality is purely based on NOT finding your partner attractive in a sexual nature. Start with that foundation and we will be here to support you!

[Gimlee]

27 minutes ago, Gldlynch said:

The first thing to clarify is whether you are asexual or not. Asexuality is an umbrella term however low libido is not one aspect of it. People can be asexual (experiencing no sexual attraction), demisexual (experiencing sexual attraction once a deep emotional bond has been made) or gray-ace (experience sexual attraction on a fluctuating basis). It's seperate to whether we enjoy sexual behaviour as an activity (e.g. masturbation). When you are with your partner, do you feel sexually attracted to them? Do you feel that sexual chemistry is mutually vital in your relationship?

 

There's is nothing biologically wrong with you, you are not broken. We all have a gut instinct and that is asexuality is too.

 

When a sexual and a non-sexual partner have a relationship, a compromise has to be made regarding your sexual encounters. It's more than common for the non-sexual partner to have sex with their partner because their partner is a sexual person. It is also natural that a strange feeling rises from these encounters because sex doesn't feel as stereotypically arousing.

 

The main thing I recommend is to openly communicate these issues, because the last thing any relationship needs are secrets. I think you and your partner should discuss how sexual you both are. Look into the differences of asexuality and libido. Libido is a person's sex drive, it's the desire for having sexual contact whereas asexuality is purely based on NOT finding your partner attractive in a sexual nature. Start with that foundation and we will be here to support you!

I think my original post didn’t exactly say what I wanted it to, I was kind of panicking and wrote it in a hurry.

 

It’s not that I don’t have libido, quite often I find myself wanting to masturbate or something along those lines (sorry if that’s TMI), but when it comes to sex I just find it unappealing. There are times when, like after the holiday, it’s kind of built up or whatever, but for the most part it just feels weird and unnatural to me.

 

I dont feel sexually attracted to him, or anyone for that matter.  But I am romantically attracted to him.

 

I hope that explains things better.

[Gldlynch]

12 hours ago, Gimlee said:

I dont feel sexually attracted to him, or anyone for that matter.  But I am romantically attracted to him.

No worries about explaining it in rush. I can understand the need of wanting to get it off of your chest (:

 

In my opinion, you sound like a romantic asexual (: Welcome to the gang!

[roland.o]

Hello @Gimlee, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake...

 

20 hours ago, Gimlee said:

sex is usually painful. Sometimes I want it, like when I got back from holiday in August and hadn’t seen him for a while, I wanted it then and it was good.

That reminds me of this post:

 

Have you considered experimenting with non-penetrative sexual activities? You shouldn't do things that hurt you, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on all kinds of physical intimacy.

 

[Gimlee]

16 hours ago, roland.o said:

Have you considered experimenting with non-penetrative sexual activities? You shouldn't do things that hurt you, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on all kinds of physical intimacy.

 

I’ve tried them, yes. We’ve tried oral sex and that sort of thing and it all just felt weird and gross to me. It wasn’t even my boyfriend being selfish; he loves giving me oral, but it just feels strange.

[GLRDT]

One potential reason for wanting sex after being away from him could be that maybe you don't want sex and in fact you want a  sensual connection because you miss touching and being close to him. Touch doesn't have to be sexual to feel good. I went on a month vacation away from my boyfriend and I missed being physically close to him so I was more open to having sex when I saw him again but ideally I would have preferred to just cuddle and be physically close that way and with kisses. I can yearn for sensual touch and if I don't have it for a while with the person I love I am more open to it becoming sexual if the other person is wanting that. I consider my self a sex indifferent gray asexual. I am able to compromise and occasionally have sex with my sexual boyfriend for him. I can find things about sex fun and some things feel ok or kinda nice. However if I never had to have sex again I wouldn't miss it and would be very happy to not have to worry about it. Just throwing this out here in case you can relate. Contact me through a personal message any time if you'd like.

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

On 23/02/2018 at 1:04 PM, Gimlee said:

eventually giving in after a while

I've been in a similar situation of feeling like the answer "no" wasn't good enough and my partner would keep asking so giving in seemed the easier option but I regret giving in as I was putting how he felt above how I felt so while no one can say what you should do my advise would be to continue to honestly and openly explain how you are feeling to your partner so that both of you understand how each other is feeling

[Gimlee]

On 25/02/2018 at 12:45 PM, GLRDT said:

One potential reason for wanting sex after being away from him could be that maybe you don't want sex and in fact you want a  sensual connection because you miss touching and being close to him. Touch doesn't have to be sexual to feel good. I went on a month vacation away from my boyfriend and I missed being physically close to him so I was more open to having sex when I saw him again but ideally I would have preferred to just cuddle and be physically close that way and with kisses. I can yearn for sensual touch and if I don't have it for a while with the person I love I am more open to it becoming sexual if the other person is wanting that. I consider my self a sex indifferent gray asexual. I am able to compromise and occasionally have sex with my sexual boyfriend for him. I can find things about sex fun and some things feel ok or kinda nice. However if I never had to have sex again I wouldn't miss it and would be very happy to not have to worry about it. Just throwing this out here in case you can relate. Contact me through a personal message any time if you'd like.

That sounds a lot like me. I don’t think I’d worry about never having sex again, but I love the physical contact that comes with being close to someone, like hugs and stuff. He kisses me sometimes with and I feel a bit weird- does that tie into it? Like tongues and stuff just seems unattractive to me.

[Gimlee]

On 25/02/2018 at 1:03 PM, Tasha27 said:

I've been in a similar situation of feeling like the answer "no" wasn't good enough and my partner would keep asking so giving in seemed the easier option but I regret giving in as I was putting how he felt above how I felt so while no one can say what you should do my advise would be to continue to honestly and openly explain how you are feeling to your partner so that both of you understand how each other is feeling

Yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years to be honest. when I’ve seen him, he’s asked for sex so I’ve given in because we’ve not seen one another for a while, but now we live together I’m giving it less often and not always giving it when he asks because I don’t enjoy it, it feels strange and gross to me, and it’s causing issues within our relationship 

[soda59]

I'm kind of alarmed as to why it is painful....? Have you tried masturbating for a while before he comes into the bedroom? I am not pushing you to have sex with him, of course, but it sounds like you are willing to have sex with him ..There are people who definitely come to agreements about this , and I think it can help to set a certain time frame for it ....Maybe also try doing things that you really like and focusing on that?

 

I'm just not sure if it's painful because you are not 'into it' or if it's something else? I think with enough stimulation it would at least not hurt right? Maybe you should try a dildo or something first ...I feel so embarassed saying that, but it's the only idea I really got and it may help you figure it out. This is only if you want to have sex with him..Again, no pressure!!!

 

I think you should be careful about just giving in. Sometimes you get pressured and you just cave, and that can grow resentment. Be careful that you don't feel wronged by him. You should both at least feel positive after it is over, even if it's not your favorite thing to do, I think you should at least feel like you liked it. Kind of like going to see a movie with a good friend even if it's not your favorite type of movie . You enjoy sharing it with them.

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

17 hours ago, Gimlee said:

Yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years to be honest. when I’ve seen him, he’s asked for sex so I’ve given in because we’ve not seen one another for a while, but now we live together I’m giving it less often and not always giving it when he asks because I don’t enjoy it, it feels strange and gross to me, and it’s causing issues within our relationship 

In the situation I mentioned before anytime I tried to say no my partner would guilt trip me into giving in so I can understand it's unfortunately a catch 22 as you can end up feeling guilty for saying no but at the same time if you don't always want to say yes but do it to make him happy you may end up feeling upset have you explained to him that it's painful? Because if not that might be a better way to help him to understand why you don't enjoy it as much as he does......not that finding sex strange gross and just not enjoying it aren't enough reasons obviously 

[GLRDT]

On 2/26/2018 at 2:54 PM, Gimlee said:

That sounds a lot like me. I don’t think I’d worry about never having sex again, but I love the physical contact that comes with being close to someone, like hugs and stuff. He kisses me sometimes with and I feel a bit weird- does that tie into it? Like tongues and stuff just seems unattractive to me.

For some people kisses are a sexual thing, for others it's a sensual thing and it depends what kind of kiss too. The concept  kissing with tongues has always been a bit odd to me. I personally feel like a gray asexual because 97% of the time I feel absolutely nothing if someone kisses me and I'm just like okaaaaay. But there have been like a few people in my life where I got little tinglies in my chest when they kissed me and I've been like oh well that's new!