Taylor Lilith Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Slowly and surely over the past couple months or so I have been breaking down the conditioning that I've built up over my lifetime. It is still taking longer than I would like and much much longer than admitting to myself I wasn't cis and it's really really annoying. I keep having thoughts like, Me to me: You're sure you wouldn't sleep with this person? Me: \thinks about it Me: \cringes Me: Yes, so maybe it's romantic attraction? Me to me: Would you hold this persons hand? Me: No Me to me: Kiss this person? Me: \Cringes Me: definite no Definitely, just a squish but all my life this self-inflicted abuse I performed was normal. Making people happy while I wasn't was, also, normal. The epitome of a strong relationship that I was preached to since birth isn't the relationship I want to have. This makes it a very hard thought process to break for a 30 year-old enby like me. I am now constantly consciously aware that I do not want The Sex™. I don't want The Romance™ either. I'm about 95-97% certain I'm aro. It's just taking the layer directly below my consciousness waaaaay to long to the picture. I'm not really asking for help or anything. Just venting that this it's taking a lot longer to break sexual conditioning society placed on me than it took for the gender conditioning. Link to post Share on other sites
PixleyDust✨ Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 God, PREACH IT. I’m 25, and as an aro ace, I still find myself doing this pretty much constantly by indulging in unrealistic sexual/romantic fantasies/day dreams. It’s an alluring trap, but a trap nonetheless. And as someone who only recently came out as genderfluid (about a year now), I definitely understand the minefield of gender conditioning. For some reason, at least from personal experience, it’s easier to come to terms with a gender identity issue than a sexual identity issue. Maybe because, in some way, our sexual identity has some stronger kind of ripple effect on our social life (the things we do, how we view people, the people we socialize with, etc.) than our gender identity? Or maybe, being aromatic asexuals, we just feel the ripple effect of our sexual identity more acutely because it’s so uncommon, due to it being the polar opposite of so many cultural norms? Food for thought. Anyways, great post. Really great post, actually. Makes me feel a little better about my ongoing confusion and whatnot. Thanks for sharing. 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 5 minutes ago, Pixley said: God, PREACH IT. I’m 25, and as an aro ace, I still find myself doing this pretty much constantly by indulging in unrealistic sexual/romantic fantasies/day dreams. It’s an alluring trap, but a trap nonetheless. And as someone who only recently came out as genderfluid (about a year now), I definitely understand the minefield of gender conditioning. For some reason, at least from personal experience, it’s easier to come to terms with a gender identity issue than a sexual identity issue. Maybe because, in some way, our sexual identity has some stronger kind of ripple effect on our social life (the things we do, how we view people, the people we socialize with, etc.) than our gender identity? Or maybe, being aromatic asexuals, we just feel the ripple effect of our sexual identity more acutely because it’s so uncommon, due to it being the polar opposite of so many cultural norms? Food for thought. Anyways, great post. Really great post, actually. Makes me feel a little better about my ongoing confusion and whatnot. Thanks for sharing. 😊 I don't really have that many fantasies anymore. I used to think a lot about snuggling with people before sleep. Now I fall asleep very quickly all by myself. I see people holding hands and try to shoehorn myself in those situations. Not a great experience. I don't try to imagine having sex with people as often anymore. Just kinda happen to think about it sometimes. The "You're sure? You're sure, you sure?" thought process. In the past there was a loooot of discomfort now it's just annoying. My brain won't quite give up the ghost. Sexuality is a weird kinduva concept. I lost my gender when J thought I was attracted to both. I most certainly wasn't and never was. My gender got figured out before I realized my sexuality BECAUSE I thought my sexuality was pansexual. .... yeah... that. Sexuality is much harder for me to understand than gender is. I think it's why it's harder for me to get used to. Gender is also personal whereas sexuality is other people. Humans are social animals and sexuality is hardwired into society so I feel sexuality or lack thereof is probably much more noticeable than gender in human interaction. Also, thank you. Also on my phone so quoting each paragraph directly wasn't going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
PixleyDust✨ Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 It’s all good, I’m on my phone too, and your response read just fine for me. And I get what you mean, it kind of just keeps popping up in there. It’s like, it seems kind of appealing at first, but that’s probably because I’m succumbing to the idea that I’m supposed to find it appealing, rather than actually finding it appealing. And I totally agree with the gender issue, because that’s exactly how I felt. Like, my gender identity really only affects me, while my sexual identity affects the people around me. Ugh. This orientation can be so flipping complicated, that’s for sure. To say it’s a grey area is putting it lightly. 😆 Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 8 hours ago, Pixley said: It’s all good, I’m on my phone too, and your response read just fine for me. And I get what you mean, it kind of just keeps popping up in there. It’s like, it seems kind of appealing at first, but that’s probably because I’m succumbing to the idea that I’m supposed to find it appealing, rather than actually finding it appealing. And I totally agree with the gender issue, because that’s exactly how I felt. Like, my gender identity really only affects me, while my sexual identity affects the people around me. Ugh. This orientation can be so flipping complicated, that’s for sure. To say it’s a grey area is putting it lightly. 😆 I forgot after leaving this site for a month what "agreeing hard" with someone actually meant. It's like there's actually people in this universe that understand exactly what I'm saying. I agree with this hard. Link to post Share on other sites
AmeliaMichelle Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 self-inflicted abuse in transition or questioning is something I've experienced quite a bit lately. especially searching out gender fluidity at the same time as I am re-considering my celibacy. looking at my life, I see a lot of a-sexual tendencies, and I can see how my ignorance of them caused me serious damage in a lot of ways, but I still have so much of that conditioning as well that I do a lot of the same inquisitions to myself, like, are you sure? what about this? what about that? what if...I dunno, I feel like you hit on a lot of the same concerns I've been experiencing lately, preciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 8 minutes ago, AmeliaMichelle said: self-inflicted abuse in transition or questioning is something I've experienced quite a bit lately. especially searching out gender fluidity at the same time as I am re-considering my celibacy. looking at my life, I see a lot of a-sexual tendencies, and I can see how my ignorance of them caused me serious damage in a lot of ways, but I still have so much of that conditioning as well that I do a lot of the same inquisitions to myself, like, are you sure? what about this? what about that? what if...I dunno, I feel like you hit on a lot of the same concerns I've been experiencing lately, preciate it! You're welcome 😊 I want to be able to blame somebody else for my abuse but I can't. Everything was consensual. I really don't want to be responsible for my own abuse but I am aaaaannnnnddd it sucks. So...yeah the whole self-inflicted abuse thing is something I, and apparently many of you, get. Link to post Share on other sites
AmeliaMichelle Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 On 2/23/2018 at 3:09 PM, TaylorWaffle said: You're welcome 😊 I want to be able to blame somebody else for my abuse but I can't. Everything was consensual. I really don't want to be responsible for my own abuse but I am aaaaannnnnddd it sucks. So...yeah the whole self-inflicted abuse thing is something I, and apparently many of you, get. yeah, but even self-inflicted abuse isn't entirely your fault or I dunno, that's what I think. Link to post Share on other sites
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