Asexuality and Childhood Trauma

[AmityRose]

Hey, first time posting here, and I'm posting because I really have had no luck trying to find out more elsewhere on the web.  Let me start with my own history.  I am 22, identify as asexual, and when I was 5 or 6 years old I was molested by an older male relative.  This happened maybe two or three times, then he was found out and my parents got the cops and social workers involved.  I had therapy, he got therapy and whatever else (I don't really know or care, but I know it's all taken care of).  I was too young to really understand what was going on, but as I grew older and slowly realized what had happened, I never really felt bad about it.  I was a child, it was never my fault in any way, I received therapy and attention, and the abuse never occurred again.  The point is, I feel that I have recovered from this sexual abuse as thoroughly as anyone really can.  However, when I tried to discuss my asexuality with my older sister, she believes that my absence of sexual attraction is because of my trauma as a child.  I don't think it is, but I don't know how I can be sure, and the therapists I've discussed this with have all been useless.  I guess all I'm really looking for here is some reassurance that I can be asexual despite my childhood trauma, instead of because of it (although I absolutely support and believe in those who are asexual because of childhood trauma).  Is there anyone out there who is also like this?

[confused lil bee]

Hi and welcome to aven! 

If you identify as asexual I think that's a pretty damn good case for being asexual. You most certainly can be asexual despite childhood trauma. Trauma is not the 'cause' of asexuality, as evidenced by the many asexuals who haven't experienced trauma, and many people who have experienced trauma not being asexual. They are not necessarily connected.

I'm glad you got the support you needed as a child and that you feel recovered that truly is great. 

I'm honestly not sure how to approach this with your sister, I've not been through what you have. Hopefully someone else on here will have a suggestion

[Gldlynch]

Hey AmityRose

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the things you experienced as a child, I can't even begin to imagine what that was like.

 

I remember asking a fairly similar question when I joined AVEN a year ago because I also went through a mildly traumatic event that dramatically changed my perspective on healthy relationships. My belief is that majority of asexual cases are NOT induced by traumatic events, however I think sometimes it can be. I think traumatic events often lead to adding further negative impacts when coming to terms with asexuality as a sexual orientation on its own, for example, many people who sadly get raped often become sex-repulsed, they don't want to encounter the activity anymore (on top of being asexual already). However being asexual and being sex-repulsed are seperate things. Some asexuals can be okay with having sex (e.g. for their sexual partner's desires), whilst other asexuals get nauseous just thinking about any intimacy, i.e. sex-repulsed.

 

You can definitely be asexual despite your past. Asexuality is solely based on whether we feel attracted to people in a sexual nature; whether you are sexually attracted to somebody (just like romantically attracted... platonically attracted... etc.). It's usually a gut feeling we have at least subconsciously known all along (:

 

Best of luck! I hope you find more answers on this great platform.

[Tea with toast]

I too identify as asexual and was sexually traumatized by an older male relative when I was 5 or 6. I am also undergoing therapy and feel like I'm fairly well adjusted. And I also have my family members and my partner question if I can truly be considered asexual because of my past. I won my arguments by bringing up this story:

 

I have a friend who was sexually traumatized as a child, and she identifies as a lesbian. Does the fact of her trauma make her any less a lesbian?

 

It could very well be that having a history of sexual trauma might increase the probability that one may later become asexual or some other aberrant form of sexuality, but it does not negate the feelings that define one sexuality. 

[NickyTannock]

I had a forced sexual encounter when I was 8, but no one found out about it, and I didn't receive therapy for it.
I sometimes wonder if that's why I'm Asexual, but I don't believe so.
I want to get to a point where I'm comfortable enough to talk about the details openly, but I don't know if that will happen.
One reason I don't believe that my sexual orientation has anything to do with it is that I have friends who've also suffered sexual abuse as children, yet none of them is Asexual.

[Dancer23]

I don't have the reference to hand (as it's in my notes from my 'working with diversity' class 2 years ago) but rates of sexual trauma are generally reported to be roughly the same amongst asexual people as in the general population (I think it was the general population, it may have been the heterosexual population? I'll try to dig out the reference but we've had some building work done and everything is... uh.... displaced, shall we say?!). So to me it seems illogical to say that sexual trauma causes asexuality, per se - otherwise surely there should be higher rates of trauma amongst asexuals than non-asexuals? I'm not saying it won't have an impact, but - personally - I don't think that's likely to be causal for most people.

 

That said, for me I think the most important thing is what you feel and believe, because you are the only person who knows how you experience the world. If you tell me that you don't believe your asexuality is related to what happened to you, and especially when you add that you have done a lot of work to recover from what was done to you, that's enough for me. 

 

You can absolutely be asexual despite what happened to you. 

[awkwardbookworm]

I actually came to this forum wondering almost the same thing about myself, even though my story differs from yours slightly. I was molested from around 8 to 11 ongoing by a family member who was doing it to others and eventually got caught thankfully. 

As a teenager around 13 to 16 I masturbated regularly about once a day and I did have sex partners even though my first few times with sex as a teenager were slightly traumatic, which added to my anxiety around men. 

 

Even though I don't consider myself asexual (yet) I consider myself sex-repulsed. I tried to cut out masturbation for years and I eventually did when I started taking a mix of birth control and ssris. This combination almost took my libido away completely. It's been about a year of having a MUCH lessened libido and I'm so grateful for it. I masturbate about once a month or less now. 

I personally do think I'm sex-repulsed because of my traumatic experiences. Though I believe someone could have sexual trauma and asexuality and the two not necessarily be linked.

I also have a really bad fear/phobia of straight men which I think is absolutely caused by the trauma. 

[MrDane]

Good question. Hard to answer. Point is that you do not feel the need for sex and you have bad feelings about it. If you end up in a relationship with a sexual person, he/she migth want you to find out whether you can somehow be both intimate and sex positive.