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Why is Being Scared of Sex a bad thing?


Tyger Songbird

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Tyger Songbird
7 hours ago, Rhaenys said:

 

Maybe as majority of sexuals shove their desires down everyone's throats making sex seem like a need as if it's food or water.

The thing is  gonna have a loot of problems avoiding it.

Yeah, that's the thing. It seems like sex is something like air. They'll die if you don't give it to them. Shoot, people who refuse sex or delay sex are often told they are being harsh for that. I mean, if they are harsh for delaying, then I must be some kind of monster to date without sex, huh? I mean, the fact that people say they can't live without it, I am horribly horrified by the demand for sex. It obviously doesn't matter that I love them a lot. All that matters is the genitalia.  I mean, I guess that I will stay single forever. Obviously, I am not going to be useless to them as an unloving partner.

 

 

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On 2/22/2018 at 11:37 PM, Chrissy Noelle said:

The problem is that much of our society believes that sex is a necessity of life when it's only a thing people desire, many times drastically. Sex has been turned from "I want it and also it's the a way to have kids" to "I need it because it makes me feel good so everyone else has to love it too". The pressure is coming from people forcing their own desires on someone else.

It's like finding someone who doesn't like sweets, so they don't wanna try ice cream and saying "You should just try iiiiiiit! You'll like iiiiiit!"

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with being afraid of sex. I'M afraid of sex and also relationships in general. Being afraid of doing something that is only a "luxury" is not shameful or bad. If I don't wanna ride that 300 mph rollercoaster I don't have to. If I don't wanna go to that party I don't have to. If I don't wanna eat pizza one night then I don't have to. If I don't wanna have sex I sure as heck don't have to. It's just that people make us think we have to when we don't, just so they fulfill their desires/can try to make us "normal". That's what's shameful. 

You put it in perfect words, honestly. The way people see it, they say "Well, everybody loves chocolate!" In equating sex to chocolate. Therefore, anyone who doesn't say they love ex is simply weird, confused, or insane. They do not think that it's anywhere near possible to not be sexual. So, anyone who says they are not or haven't tried it, they go "Just try it!" Believing like everyone else, we'll grow out of this phase or out of and that we'll become "normal" like them.

 

I don't know if they're well meaning or just plain malicious, but either way, they seem to not care about helping or sympathizing. They seem to not know that that being asexual is not the same as unhealthy. It's not mental disease or anything. I wish more people would get it.

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On 2/22/2018 at 10:22 PM, Zatarra said:

What I dont get is that in any population not every individual will be able to get married or partner up..there could be a variety of reasons for someone to remain single.

i.e. health problems, family obligations (caring for elder/disabled parent or young children from a divorce), too busy in a career. or how about just taking a look in the Bible and see what the Apostle Paul has to say about the "single life" for those that can?

 

I dont get why "gay and deviant" come up as the top choices. 

 

I had an uncle that worked in a factory and he had some health complications (radiation damage from cancer treatments/meds) to where he never did marry or was in any relationships, as far as I know and have asked other family member he was never mocked/harassed at work - it more pity than anything... That for now seems to be my fallback to explain my lack of relationships: "health complications". Its a double edge sword...it may stave off their viscous rumors however it makes you feel broken

 

Yeah, I guess that people don't think that sex is part of being functional. People...

 

I guess people just treat it like being wild teens. "Teens are supposed to go and get drunk and experiment with drugs and sex! There's nothing you can do. It's what teens are supposed to do!"

 

Regardless, I've known a teen who never drank, smoke, or had sex. That one were me.

 

People thought that I was simply weird and thought that I never did that. I know that's weird. Why is that?

 

They just think that it is the norm.

 

Asexuality isn't the norm. And many can't fathom how people don't want to have sex ever. It is just too much to accept for them. I don't know why. However, it is. So, instead of just accepting at face value, they think that there must be some latent issue that's covert. They assume they know you better than you do. Plus, they only think that 2 orientations fit their framework, honestly. You're only gay or straight. Anything else is too weird. Everyone has sex, according to them. So, we throw them for a loop. That leads them to thinking we're dysfunctional.

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15 hours ago, uhtred said:

The meaning of the word "scared" "may be important here. 

 

I am a straight sexual man.  I am not "scared" of having sex with another man, but I am sure it is something I don't want to do.   I am "scared" of spiders so I have an irrational aversion to spiders.  Fortunately interactions with spiders is not an important part of our personal interactions and culture, so that isn't an important thing for me to work on.  OTOH if I were "scared" of crowds it might have a significant negative impact on my life, and I might want to try to get over the irrational fear (which is different from saying that I should hang around crowds if I don't enjoy it. 

 

So I'd say that not wanting sex is completely fine.  Having an irrational fear of sex might be something you want to work on. (not by *having* sex - but by analyzing the source of your fears). 

 

 

For me, sex is so far out of my element that there is no way that I could ever think of doing it. It's like "White Water Rafting" for me. I have never white water rafting. And it would scare me, with the risks of everything. Sex provides like that same sense of reaction. There's so much trepidation with sex, just with the act at hand. Obviously, I've never done it before, so it's a new realm I've never done anything like that before. However, I simply feel frightened of it. It doesn't seem natural to me to do that with someone. It feels out of the norm for me. I am just uncomfortable doing that with someone.

 

However, people make it seem you have to break your shell with this. I don't know.

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On 2/23/2018 at 3:23 AM, tygersongbird said:

So, yeah, I am scared of sex, but I feel like I am justified in my fear. The world is a sexual world, and it seems everyone wants to be sexual. However, I'm not at all, and I feel nervous doing that.

Well, fear of sex is a fiction problem meaning that it is a problem only if you view/make it one, it is as simple as that. But really, there is not much to talk about here, no one has ever died out of not having sex, as much society wants us to think otherwise.

 

Note: As long as you can differ fiction problem from reality problem, you are safe from society telling you wrong, like in case of fear of sex.

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3 hours ago, AW10 said:

Well, fear of sex is a fiction problem meaning that it is a problem only if you view/make it one, it is as simple as that. But really, there is not much to talk about here, no one has ever died out of not having sex, as much society wants us to think otherwise.

 

Note: As long as you can differ fiction problem from reality problem, you are safe from society telling you wrong, like in case of fear of sex.

Its not just a fictitious problem. @tygersongbird has a valid point - it IS made into a big deal and it can have negative consequences.

take my line of work - in the hospital - 99.9% of my co-workers are married/serious relationship. Most of their talk is around spouses/kids and I have nothing to add to that. It makes me stick out and then the probing questions in to my private life which is MY business. And that whole "i keep my private life sepearte from work' does not bode well in this modern workplace where we pretty much expected to be like 'family' with co-workers. That seems to be the culture in my workplace and you start to get unwanted attention and rumors your way when you dont fit their mold. Not to mention my line of work involves "toileting/bathing/dressing" patients - ALL of my male co-workers are married and they often talk about their wives or kids at it puts patients at ease. Being an Aro-Ace = REAL struggles, it is far from fictitious. This stress takes a toll and I leave my shift with massive headaches every day. I am really considering switching careers and I would if not for my student loans debt.

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1 hour ago, Zatarra said:

Its not just a fictitious problem. @tygersongbird has a valid point - it IS made into a big deal and it can have negative consequences.

take my line of work - in the hospital - 99.9% of my co-workers are married/serious relationship. Most of their talk is around spouses/kids and I have nothing to add to that. It makes me stick out and then the probing questions in to my private life which is MY business. And that whole "i keep my private life sepearte from work' does not bode well in this modern workplace where we pretty much expected to be like 'family' with co-workers. That seems to be the culture in my workplace and you start to get unwanted attention and rumors your way when you dont fit their mold. Not to mention my line of work involves "toileting/bathing/dressing" patients - ALL of my male co-workers are married and they often talk about their wives or kids at it puts patients at ease. Being an Aro-Ace = REAL struggles, it is far from fictitious. This stress takes a toll and I leave my shift with massive headaches every day. I am really considering switching careers and I would if not for my student loans debt.

I see, you have shown me where my fiction/reality problem concept fails, and thus helped me fix the concept. The concept's domain is too big, since fiction/reality is basically everything there is, so I had to reduce the concept's domain resulting in regulate/resolve problem concept. With the new concept, you are deciding which problem you will regulate and which problem you will resolve, regardless of problem's realness. So, from your example, you would like to regulate being aro-ace by finding less stressful environment, instead of resolve being aro-ace by targeting to change to being sex-open and such.

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9 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

For me, sex is so far out of my element that there is no way that I could ever think of doing it. It's like "White Water Rafting" for me. I have never white water rafting. And it would scare me, with the risks of everything. Sex provides like that same sense of reaction. There's so much trepidation with sex, just with the act at hand. Obviously, I've never done it before, so it's a new realm I've never done anything like that before. However, I simply feel frightened of it. It doesn't seem natural to me to do that with someone. It feels out of the norm for me. I am just uncomfortable doing that with someone.

 

However, people make it seem you have to break your shell with this. I don't know.

For various reasons I don't drink at all.  But I've become comfortable going to pubs with friends and ordering a diet coke while they have beers. I don't understand the appeal of alcohol, to me it just seems to make people stupid, but I understand that it is important to others and in society, so within reason I accept others drinking.  I do sometimes get pressured to drink - but I've learned that the best response is a simple "no thank you" without explanation. I don't *need* to justify my decision to anyone else. 

 

Maybe sex can be treated the same way. You can understand that its is an important part of other people's lives, but still not have it be part of yours.  You can be around people who talk about sex without feeling you personally need to get involved.  You can turn down suggestions / offers very directly, if politely. No explanations needed.  

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21 hours ago, float on said:

personally, I count this as bad, and use my dislike towards it to fuel my interest in removing it.

 

for the topic of hand, if I were afraid of sex, it would be "bad" in the sense of not being able to stand random things in the world. But that is my framework. I am disliking towards sex, and that to me is not bad - it's good for me to own up to the fact that sex is not for me. But I do like my sexual energy, and I am grey - so reconciling my disliking of sex was necessary for me to be able to enjoy my libido and arousal without being hurt for it. I was able to identify what aspects of sex I didn't need - and what parts I enjoyed - and train myself to enjoy my arousal in the right way to satisfy me without hurting me. 

 

Sometimes I am disgusted by sexualization in media. I also worked to change that. I used to get triggered at all art - but after a while I started to notice that disproportionate art is pretty common regardless of subject, exagguration of certain details to accentuate the subject - for gender, that does include exaggurating bodies - after all, with less detail in the face and less movement, a lot of how our brains recognize men and women is lost - so art has to make up for it. After a few months of brewing over that - I started to be a lot more pleased with art regardless of proportions. I started to notice when power poses were in art with women and that I could not see before, I was too appalled by her porportions... but anyway now I mostly don't even care about sexualization in art anymore. 60% of it is actually just the constraints of the medium, and 20% of it is from people having sexual feelings.. would hurt them not to express it to some extent. 

 

uh, so I'm getting on a tangent. So uh - okay! those were two examples of how my fear of sex was in such a way that I identified it as bad, and what I did about it :) 

 

I guess "fearing sex is bad" just is too abstract of a statement, you gotta think about it in the application of it, rather than the theory, to know what to do about such an idea. 

I see the point behind your statement. Obviously, thinking of the world at large, it is very isolating and reclusive thing to be scared like that. Being scared of sex in a world where sex is the standard can make make you want to retreat into a hole where no one can hurt you. 

 

And part of me believes that I have done just that too.

 

I know that sounds bad, but it is truly the truth.

 

I have always worried that my hand will be forced and that I will have no choice but to have sex, really. I know it sounds silly to think like that, but it makes sense in my world.

 

I just don't understand why sex has to be this form of love that precedes everything. You know, making love. I don't get why that is, really. I mean, why can't you do something  nice and safe like eating ice cream & chocolate cake, or reading books together? I mean, why is that not showing love to your partner?

 

I don't get it.

 

I don't think I'll ever get it.

 

And I don't want anybody to get with me.

 

I'm sorry. It's just that sex seems so risky and dangerous to me. Like, it's so intense an act, doing all those things. The thought of me ever having to have sex with someone floods me with such colossal anxiety that I could never escape from. It honestly feels like a heart attack is about to happen, and I feel paralyzed in my whole being. The tension and anxiety is way too much for me to bear. I just can't do it. I just can't.

 

I just wish people could understand that, and not force me to change. Just accept that I don't want to get involved or participate in sex. It is not an act for me.

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People shouldn't be forcing you to change, but it's not going to be great if you're going to spend your life having panic attacks over any mention of something so common. For your own sake, it might be worth figuring out how to manage that reaction.

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59 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

People shouldn't be forcing you to change, but it's not going to be great if you're going to spend your life having panic attacks over any mention of something so common. For your own sake, it might be worth figuring out how to manage that reaction.

@Telecaster68I would like your take on this if you dont mind. 

 

given my situation - being the only Aro-Ace surrounded my married/committed folk at work where most of the conversation center round their family lives "my husband/wife/kids" and the probing questions in to my lack of spouse/partner. Its not so much that they have a gun to my head and are saying 'partner up/have sex or else...' its more of the silent judgement, nosy busy bodies and how that can factor into how I dont 'fit' in their workplace dynamics.

Then you get the more sinister comments of "must be something wrong with him" or speculation that I must be some "repressed pervert/deviant" since I am at an age in a conservative profession where guys in their 30's are married with kids. 

 

Also it does not help that in my line of work we do a lot of "bathing/dressing/toileting" and often your working with the opposite gender. A lot of my male-coworkers will talk or joke about their wives/kids and that seems to put patients at ease. I dont want my aceness to derail my career and bring unwanted speculation/accusations on me. 

 

I guess I dont really care about the rumors/speculations if they did not affect my job- I just dont want that to cause me to get let go because I am soo different from the expected norm in that field.

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I can only suggest that if saying nothing isn't working (are they actually saying there's something wrong with you, or are you just worried they might?), then you're going to have to spell out your situation, and answer the resulting questions. It'll probably be uncomfortable for a while but will pass.

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Tyger Songbird
On 2/23/2018 at 3:46 PM, Alejandrogynous said:

There's a difference between not wanting something and being afraid of it. Knowing what you want and what you don't want is great - know yourself, stand your ground and be proud of that. Hell yes. Fear though, especially a fear of something like sex, is only ever going to affect you negatively and cause a lot of problems in your life. Not because you should have sex (if you don't want to, absolutely don't), but because you can't even have a conversation about it or see a TV commercial without being affected. Do you want to go the rest of your life being irrationally scared of something and letting that feeling control you? Also, fear doesn't come from nowhere. There's always a root cause even if you don't know what it is, and figuring out what that is could drastically help you understand yourself and learn how to manage these feelings.

Well, I mean, yeah, I guess that being afraid of sex is a sense of control. It may seem like I'm being controlled by my fear, but I feel free being me, too. I like being independent and all that. I like having my autonomy and my freedom in that regard. It feels freeing for me. I don't want to have sex. I'm always upset that people want me to so I can be socially normal.

 

Believe it or not, but I enjoy being a virgin, really. I like the fact that I can say "I've never had sex", and I like being able to say "That's not going to change anytime soon. I want to keep it as long as possible."

 

What I hate is when people make virginity some pathological disorder. I don't get that.

 

I don't like even thinking about people doing that. I'd rather keep them all nice and sweet and clean and innocent.

 

The thought of them being sex objects or sexual orbs doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to go that route with them, and I hope they have no desire to do that with me. I want them to be my friends, not more than friends. And I value my friends in a different way. But I still love them, just platonically.

 

The thought of me being some kind of hound dog to quote Elvis is not a good thought in my mind. I don't want that American Pie type of thing, where all the boys are trying to get sex. And I am grossed out by girls who act like Hooters girls, shaking all their Ta-Tas, all out there. That is not me. I don't ever want that to be me.I do not want to be some kind of insatiable, always hankering for sex and using people to get some. That's not me. Why I am scared of sex, I have no idea. Sure, I don't want to be a father, and I am against having kids. Sure, I'm scared of catching diseases. Of course I am. But I am just scared of sex

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1 hour ago, Zatarra said:

@Telecaster68I would like your take on this if you dont mind. 

 

given my situation - being the only Aro-Ace surrounded my married/committed folk at work where most of the conversation center round their family lives "my husband/wife/kids" and the probing questions in to my lack of spouse/partner. Its not so much that they have a gun to my head and are saying 'partner up/have sex or else...' its more of the silent judgement, nosy busy bodies and how that can factor into how I dont 'fit' in their workplace dynamics.

Then you get the more sinister comments of "must be something wrong with him" or speculation that I must be some "repressed pervert/deviant" since I am at an age in a conservative profession where guys in their 30's are married with kids. 

 

Also it does not help that in my line of work we do a lot of "bathing/dressing/toileting" and often your working with the opposite gender. A lot of my male-coworkers will talk or joke about their wives/kids and that seems to put patients at ease. I dont want my aceness to derail my career and bring unwanted speculation/accusations on me. 

 

I guess I dont really care about the rumors/speculations if they did not affect my job- I just dont want that to cause me to get let go because I am soo different from the expected norm in that field.

I've gone through the exact same thing. I assume you work medical, right? I work in education. People just expect it of me in my job field that I would be married with kids or getting ready for that. I never have desired to engage personally in sex acts or to have a family of my own. However, people tend to have a certain preconceived notion of a guy who doesn't have kids or a wife. He's a guy who doesn't settle down, or someone who is a childish player. People don't even think that single people can be teachers or in education in general, because they lack the maternal or paternal instincts to understand kids well. It's tough. People assume the worst when you're married, and let's not act like humanity can be judgmental and evil like that. The amount of times I've been called gay or homo is astounding. It's amazing how people will just say that. To defeat those rumors is super-hard.

 

I totally see your point, man. I've faced and lived through those rumors. Why sex, marriage, and family are such grand topics that people deem universal is beyond me. Not everybody wants that. That should be okay to admit.

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3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

People shouldn't be forcing you to change, but it's not going to be great if you're going to spend your life having panic attacks over any mention of something so common. For your own sake, it might be worth figuring out how to manage that reaction.

I probably wouldn't have so many panic attacks, if people wouldn't force me to change, honestly. I mean, if it were more acceptable of the idea that not everyone wants sex, then perhaps people wouldn't attempt to pressure me to fit the general norm. Maybe then I could openly admit to it without backlash or dismissal of myself. So, who knows?

 

2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I can only suggest that if saying nothing isn't working (are they actually saying there's something wrong with you, or are you just worried they might?), then you're going to have to spell out your situation, and answer the resulting questions. It'll probably be uncomfortable for a while but will pass.

I'd love to answer questions, personally, as long as they are open-minded to accept asexuality. That's the problem that often occurs. I find most people only want to accept you if you are a sexual "option", really. I don't want to have to open up to people and have them deem me weird for rejecting sex or psycho for not wanting it ever or that I'll "change my mind once I have sex". So, the better question is, are people going to accept it with an open mind or not? Otherwise, why tell them?

 

A lot of people have never even heard of asexuality. They think it's just some made-up orientation for little children. After all, we asexuals are nothing but immature, right? Most people only think of straight or gay, especially in conservative America. "There's no meaning of life without sex! Your life is a waste if you don't have kids!" They refuse to accept anything else. How are you going to convince those people?

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I don't think it's wrong to be fearful of it. Even sexual people are fearful of sex at times. I don't think it's necessarily good either to be so averse to the ideas, just because it's such a basic part of life. But I think we should have healthier relationships to death too, and that's just as basic as sex.  I think as you get older and it becomes less of a big deal , you start to relax about it, or at least that's what I have done.

 

I am actually very very interested in sex and it perplexes me even if I'm not sexual myself. Kind of like how I like violent movies a lot. I wouldn't actually want to look at violence in real life but it's fascinating on screen. My art work is pretty sexual ,which I know would make people raise eyebrows when they hear I'm asexual, but....it is what it is..

 

 

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2 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

The amount of times I've been called gay or homo is astounding. It's amazing how people will just say that. To defeat those rumors is super-hard.

I totally see your point, man. I've faced and lived through those rumors. Why sex, marriage, and family are such grand topics that people deem universal is beyond me. Not everybody wants that. That should be okay to admit.

@tygersongbird These slurs...are they being said by your students or co-workers?

 

Also I think it may be easier to be open about being Asexual in certain circles (liberal/pro LGBT) or certain professions i.e. IT or Pharmacy/Clinical Lab Science where you have a more shy/quiet - basically introverted crowd. 

It seems like Hospitals and Education is hell for Aro-Aces. You are not the first person in education that has complained about this, seems to be something to it.

 

Here's another thing I have been meaning to ask you: in your field/area is it easier for females to be Aro-Aces?

one of my professors that worked in this field in a hospital was a lifelong singleton and never faced any backlash over it. She in fact made it quite clear how she never wanted to marry or have kids. She had quite the successful career and now teaches at college level. I wonder if there is greater 'suspicion/derision' casted upon MALE Aro-Aces due to those cursed norm of men always wanting it and being hypersexual.

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5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

People shouldn't be forcing you to change, but it's not going to be great if you're going to spend your life having panic attacks over any mention of something so common. For your own sake, it might be worth figuring out how to manage that reaction.

Agreed here. It’s perfectly fine for the actual act of sex to be something one refuses to be a part of for any reason, or to find the topic uncomfortable. Sex isn’t important for everyone. 

 

but I say, coming from my experience of extreme anxiety and how I managed to heal my mind from that pit, that submitting to anxiety by running from it is only a coping mechanism and not a permanent solution. I learned strength by practicing strength. Whenever I noticed I was bold enough to try, I faced my thoughts of anxiety, or I faced the trigger itself (such as going outside to the other building to wash laundry and committing to face that three times to get it done)

 

I am sure there are more than those two ways to face the anxiety but the underlying goal is to be strong enough to be with what hurts for just a little longer than you normally would tolerate. To nudge against your limits and push a little to practice that strength. To see avoidance as a crutch that you need to outgrow a need for. And to face the anxiousness until you can harness it, which could take at least three years of consistent work if not longer. 

 

And an important thing about it is to understand the goal, and it’s okay to not know the goal.. take time to understand what you need in regards to your anxiety. 

 

So for someone who has crippling anxiety just because the topic of sex comes up... they’re going to get hurt by culture if they don’t harness it. Some, like me, feel driven to understand what it is about sex they fear and face the idea or reality of sex directly; and for me that worked. But for others it could be a goal of being able to hear a conversation and tolerate it, or be able to excuse oneself from it, or be able to successfully ask for a subject change. 

 

Taking the time to work towards growth regarding your anxiety, fears, and depression - are necessary if one desires to minimize their pain. That means facing what is hard and looking for new understanding or new skill regarding it. Feel free to use the coping mechanisms when you aren’t able to work on improving. That is good and healthy. But understand the crutch needs outgrowing :) look for oppurtunities to work towards that growth. 

 

 

 

It doesn’t universally mean everyone must be unafraid if sex though! It is okay to have fears you don’t want nor need to eradicated. But learning at least methods to respond to that fear or what triggers it is crucial; or else you will be dependent on chance to not have days you just give up from the fear. If you fear sex - okay; I’m not going to tell you that’s bad. But if that fear controls your emotions or your capabilities in a powerful way - that is bad.  Find strategies to not be destroyed by fear - that is exactly what bravery is! :) Maybe even harness the energy of the fear to give you strength directly from fear.

 

 

And like any life skill it takes practice, aka application. It takes learning too. Commit time to practice, consistently, and every three months you will see remarkable change, and repeat that process until you feel strong. 

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Tyger Songbird
2 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

I don't think it's wrong to be fearful of it. Even sexual people are fearful of sex at times. I don't think it's necessarily good either to be so averse to the ideas, just because it's such a basic part of life. But I think we should have healthier relationships to death too, and that's just as basic as sex.  I think as you get older and it becomes less of a big deal , you start to relax about it, or at least that's what I have done.

 

I am actually very very interested in sex and it perplexes me even if I'm not sexual myself. Kind of like how I like violent movies a lot. I wouldn't actually want to look at violence in real life but it's fascinating on screen. My art work is pretty sexual ,which I know would make people raise eyebrows when they hear I'm asexual, but....it is what it is..

 

 

Oh, don't get me wrong. I do value relatinships all the way. I want people to find love, whether it be platonic or romantic. I think that's special. I would just much rather not think of sex as basic parts of life. It's not basic at all in my world. I don't get why people think it has to be.

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Alejandrogynous
2 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Well, I mean, yeah, I guess that being afraid of sex is a sense of control. It may seem like I'm being controlled by my fear, but I feel free being me, too. I like being independent and all that. I like having my autonomy and my freedom in that regard. It feels freeing for me. I don't want to have sex. I'm always upset that people want me to so I can be socially normal.

 

Believe it or not, but I enjoy being a virgin, really. I like the fact that I can say "I've never had sex", and I like being able to say "That's not going to change anytime soon. I want to keep it as long as possible."

I think you might be misinterpreting me slightly, I'm not sure. When I say you might want to work on not being so scared of sex, I am not at all suggesting that you should have sex, or be open to having sex, or say anything but a resounding NO to something that you don't want to do. Don't want sex, don't have it - end of discussion. And knowing what you want and don't want and being able to say no with conviction - that is freeing. I totally get that. Learning about asexuality has given me that same freedom and it's amazing.


But I don't have panic attacks at the thought of sex. I fail to see how that would be freeing in any way, honestly... It's literally a debilitating reaction to a non-threatening environmental stimulus that's out of my control. If that's the way you want to live, that's your choice and that's fine. But you can't change your environment (not completely anyway), and if you don't want to change your reaction to it, you're setting yourself up for a tough time. And again - by changing your reaction, I do NOT mean giving in and having sex. You can not want something without having to be afraid of it.

 

4 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

The thought of me being some kind of hound dog to quote Elvis is not a good thought in my mind. I do not want to be some kind of insatiable , always hankering for sex and using people to get some. That's not me. Why I am scared of sex, I have no idea. Sure, I don't want to be a father, and I am against having kids. Sure, I'm scared of catching diseases. Of course I am. But I am just scared of sex

Those aren't the only two options though. Are you worried that not being scared of sex will turn you into an insatiable hound dog? Because I highly doubt that would be the outcome.

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Tyger Songbird
1 hour ago, Zatarra said:

@tygersongbird These slurs...are they being said by your students or co-workers?

 

Also I think it may be easier to be open about being Asexual in certain circles (liberal/pro LGBT) or certain professions i.e. IT or Pharmacy/Clinical Lab Science where you have a more shy/quiet - basically introverted crowd. 

It seems like Hospitals and Education is hell for Aro-Aces. You are not the first person in education that has complained about this, seems to be something to it.

 

Here's another thing I have been meaning to ask you: in your field/area is it easier for females to be Aro-Aces?

one of my professors that worked in this field in a hospital was a lifelong singleton and never faced any backlash over it. She in fact made it quite clear how she never wanted to marry or have kids. She had quite the successful career and now teaches at college level. I wonder if there is greater 'suspicion/derision' casted upon MALE Aro-Aces due to those cursed norm of men always wanting it and being hypersexual.

I've had them said by both. I have actually had that happen at 2 former places, honestly. People were saying that "I'm weird" and "odd" because "How can a guy not want to have sex or not want to do it?". I had coworkers who were spreading rumors about me that I must have "been gay". They used my personality as a weapon against me. Since I act in music, and I tend to like theatre and everything, they assumed that I must have been gay. After all, "He's not interested in girls." So, he must like boys. That's what a few were saying.

 

"He's not married, and he doesn't have a girlfriend. There's something wrong with this guy, and why is he single? After all, everybody wants sex! No man turns down sex! He must be gay!"

 

Yeah...

 

This often happens in the education field. It is often a nightmare to navigate. Family values are still often reigning supreme when working with children. After all, only single men can be pedos, right? 

 

He can't be a pedophile! He is married with kids!

 

As if there has never been a pedophile that's had a wife. Yeah, worked for Roman Polanski, Bill Cosby, and Larry Nassar.

 

People seem to think that unless you have kids, you can't understand them. I work to educate in pedagogy. Not babysit. So, I don't get that at all. However, when interviewing for certain positions in education, employers still look at the fact that if you are married (and have kids), it looks better like leverage or capital to help you land the job. They don't look too often to single people, especially boys, lest we avoid scandal.

 

It also has to do with being in a red state. No offense to people political affiliation, but most of the time, conservative areas are not welcoming to "alternative" sexualities. They only want to see "normal" and "natural" straight people. Often, being a gay person in school will get people to question you or look at you funny. As if to say something is wrong with you. Being a family person is the only way to have this work for you. It's the public perception of you.

 

It's better to be divorced than to have never been married and had kids. At least you have been married. Maybe not as bad as a pastor trying to get a job when he's single. But it's still bad.

 

And I don't think it's any different between men and women. Unmarried women are seen as too domineering, too pushy, uncompromising, too picky, and overall old maids. They are deemed as lacking the nurturing qualities of a teacher. So, who knows? I mean, there have been good teachers of all levels. But I can very few and far between recall a teacher who wasn't married. It's almost a conformity factor. You have no idea.

 

After all, what kind of guy wouldn't want to have a wife and a family? He must have some secrets we don't know about! We need to examine him further, and find out what's up?"

 

"I can't imagine why a person wouldn't want to get married. Maybe he goes the other way! Maybe he has issues!"

 

They just do not understand in this field.

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17 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

They just do not understand in this field.

interesting... I am starting to come to the same conclusion about my field. Now it does not have to do with "Kids" per say however you are dealing with being in the patient's private space in "Dressing/Bathing/Toileting" and they seem to prefer or trust a "stable, married family man" - beacuse like you said they are all saints and all the pedos/wierdos/sickos are single men. Many cases prove to be the exact opposite. Look up most serial killers - they were married, family men, active in their community and what not. Yet that fact seems lost on society.

 

You mention "Red" state - I notice that as well - Not to say those than lean Blue/Liberal dont make similar assumption i.e. "no wife/GF" = Gay ...its just that they are less likely to crucify you for that. 

one thing I never understood about 'conservative' places - they emphasize the Bible and values they derive from...did they never read MATTHEWS 19:12? or CORINTHIANS? where Apostle Paul PRAISES the single life? and those that can lead it?

 

See this here...our conversation is what I wish would receive more attention on AVEN. These are REAL WORLD struggles that can have a serious impact on our working lives and livelihood and overall quality of life. This seems to get swept under the rug while the focus shifts to other topics.

 

I feel for you man... I guess what I have resorted to is just saying I am single for religious reasons (buddhist) or that I have health problems depending on the audience. 

I figure close minded bigots also tend to think along lines of "if a mans not married by 40 he MUST be GAY or BROKEN"...so I go with BROKEN...it may ward off some flak but it is really damaging to one's self esteem...like I said a Double Edge Sword 

 

My long term plan is to get the heck out of this country and head Eastward where I know my aro-ace self with be at peace. For now I am looking to move to a more liberal area i.e. Chicago or Seattle (SF is out of my price range). I am also going to work my arse off to pay off my student debt and go into another field. I just cant see myself in this field long term for the VERY same reasons that distress you.

 

I guess if your in a conservative state with not LGBT protection (Like I am) it may not do much good to go to HR if your co-workers are harassing you. 

I suppose at least in a blue state or one with LGBT protections you could have that working for you at the very least.

Have you considered maybe going back to school and getting an advanced degree so you could teach at university level or even community college? they tend to be on the more liberal side unless your in the REAL DEEP SOUTH. Or possibly relocating to a more liberal leaning area?

 

See we need to figure out REAL solutions to this..and like I said sadly that does not get nearly the attention it deserves on this site

feel free to PM me anytime - we seem to be in the same boat...we might be in different fields but I think BOTH of our fields are TOXIC to our long term mental health and well being...and  unlike the generic "tea and sympathy" comments you may get here believe me when I says this:

I completely understand where your coming from and what your going through

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In the United Commie Pinko States of Europe, it's illegal for employers to ask about any of that stuff at interview,  let alone take it into account. 

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4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In the United Commie Pinko States of Europe, it's illegal for employers to ask about any of that stuff at interview,  let alone take it into account. 

sadly not so across the pond...and its getting worse under The Donald's Administration 

even LGBT protections vary by state - here's a look at that fine mess:

WorkplaceDiscrimination.png

 

If they would just let others be.. See I am not the type to be all "Loud and Proud" and expect concession to be made for me or special labels or workplace mandatory PC classes. i am PERFECTLY happy to keep my orientation to my self..its just that co-workers MAKE it an issue as in the case with @tygersongbird situation

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Land of the free! Hoo-ha! America! Fuck, yeah! 

Free... as long as you conform to society I suppose

What I would like to know is who are we Aro-Aces harming or whose rights are we infringing on by not having sex/partnering up. 

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Tyger Songbird
16 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

In the United Commie Pinko States of Europe, it's illegal for employers to ask about any of that stuff at interview,  let alone take it into account. 

Oh, that would never hold up in America. Once they find out you're gay, especially if you're a lesbian, then you're the villain. All the guys that wanted to have sex with you before now call you a dyke with the girls saying that you're making advances on them. Yeah, it's a free country for sure, with a whole lot of grace from some un-Christlike people that thump the Bibles they don't read.

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Tyger Songbird
10 minutes ago, Zatarra said:

Free... as long as you conform to society I suppose

What I would like to know is who are we Aro-Aces harming or whose rights are we infringing on by not having sex/partnering up. 

That is the question I always ask. It's not like we're poaching on children at all. After all, what about the children? Most people get hurt or victimized by family members in molestation. We aren't in your family.

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Tyger Songbird
22 minutes ago, Zatarra said:

sadly not so across the pond...and its getting worse under The Donald's Administration 

even LGBT protections vary by state - here's a look at that fine mess:

WorkplaceDiscrimination.png

 

If they would just let others be.. See I am not the type to be all "Loud and Proud" and expect concession to be made for me or special labels or workplace mandatory PC classes. i am PERFECTLY happy to keep my orientation to my self..its just that co-workers MAKE it an issue as in the case with @tygersongbird situation

 

Yup, welcome to the South for ya. My state in the red. It's a sad reality. There have been people fired for being gay in important spots. It's really lousy.

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6 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

 

Yup, welcome to the South for ya. My state in the red. It's a sad reality. There have been people fired for being gay in important spots. It's really lousy.

F me USA has some problems! Firstly the president can’t ban guns even after people get shot in mass shootings and the majority of the USA can choose not to employ someone just because they are gay?

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