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Why is Being Scared of Sex a bad thing?


Tyger Songbird

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On 25/02/2018 at 9:25 PM, tygersongbird said:

Thank you for that. The whole repulsed thing people just doesn't repulse me in terms of saying "Gross!". Rather, it makes me incredibly terrified, beyond all else. I am just like you. I shake, and I quiver all the way, for sure. I am not the type to make a "quiver of arrows" anyway. But, I just feel so incredibly scared, and I feel that should be acceptable to be.

 

Think of it this way: I mean, I have never had sex before anyway, right. I have never had a first time of any kind. I've only kissed 1 time, really. I have never even seen a naked person, before either, in real life. I've never even let someone see me naked either. That would be super-scary. Shoot, I didn't want to change in gym because of that. I don't know anything related to sex. I mean, I am literally like a virgin to everything. I mean, if you've never done anything like that before, how are you not going to be scared? What if you don't feel "prepared" or "ready" for sex? I don't get that.

 

Was no one else scared for their first time, ever? What if you don't even know what to do? It sure would scare me.

 

What's wrong with being abstinent anyway? 

 

I mean,  how does sex even work mechanically? I've never done that before. I mean, it seems daunting to think of having your first time, and you don't know what will happen. It seems scary and risky. So, I don't know how people can't see my fears. Maybe I'm the only fraidy-cat with this, who fears he'll throw up. I guess I'm the only one.

 

What's wrong with being scared of sex? I don't get it.

I can actually hear my voice in your post. I can relate,  really. 

Well... I have looked up what it means by 'mechanically' before, and really regret it. I just saw something for teenage guidance like thing on NHS, nothing radical/porn-ish but still REALLY gross me out and after all I still don't get it (I was so repulsed and couldn't read it through). No, now I'm happy with 'never get it' status. 

 

I don't know why I'm repulsed that much, but I have no idea why people have need to do such gross things either...

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I've been told I have a very virgin mind

 

While Im not sex repulsed (Im averse), sex to me gives me the worst anxiety. Anything that has to do with me and sex automatically triggers "NOOOOOPE" and I often get really, really anxious. It sorta makes me rather sick for a while because I feel that nervous to even think about it. I dont care if everyone else is doing it, but if its directed at me? Hoo boy. 

 

"How do I even do it?"

"I dont know how to do that?" 

"WHY ALL THIS CLOSENESS?!"  

 

Yeah, I'm extreamly phsyically and mentally virgin 

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On 2/25/2018 at 2:26 PM, Falcon7 said:

Nothing bad with 'being scared' of it. I even not sure it should be defined as 'scared' - your first post sounds mush more like 'repulsed', as you idnetified yourself. I'm super repulsed Ace and when this kind of topic is brough up &  direct at me, I just literally can't stand. I shiver violently and just can't help it.

Well I'm happy with repulsed Ace. People say whatever they wanna say, and attribute my reaction to whatever they come up with, like 'in experience' kind. I don't know why I repulsed in such a way, but there is no need to explore and justify.

You are just you and that's really fine. No justification needed.

I sometimes wonder if people who are sex repulsed especially are experiencing a sort of dysphoria or something.  Shivering violently seems pretty extreme.

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9 hours ago, uhtred said:

My friends are hard core nerds, of the sciency sub-species. Some have obviously active sex lives, some done - no one cares.  Two close friends have never had obvious romantic partners, but no one has ever bugged them about it. 

@uhtred

you might be on to something here... I have noticed this as well with the hard core nerd types. Pretty much the ONLY types (besides orthodox Jewish) of kids I got along with when we moved back stateside in 9th grade. There does not seem to be that "macho" attitude among the crowd. And most of the 'teasing/mockery' is the harmless sort not the TOXIC hyper-masculine crap.

Back in my undergrad days I was trying to decide between IT/Tech or Health Sciences...I should have gone with the IT option

I have spoken with some others here that are in the tech industry and their experiences have been on the positive side as far as being Ace in the workplace. I really regret not following my gut instinct and choosing "healthcare" instead. Now I am trying to pay off my enormous debt and go back to college for IT or Accounting.

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Tyger Songbird
16 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Assert yourself and come out.

I'm not saying that it always works - in fact, especially online people can be very unpleasant when someone (such as myself...) declares asexuality in a discussion on a partnership-related topic. But nobody dares say to my face that my lifestyle choice is supposedly wrong. I'm out as asexual to all close friends and family.

However, particularly my family had a lot of time to get used to it: long before I officially came out as ace, I was out as a girl unwilling to ever have children or get married.

Yeah, I'm working on that. So, I guess I need to become more assertive on that end.

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8 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

I sometimes wonder if people who are sex repulsed especially are experiencing a sort of dysphoria or something.  Shivering violently seems pretty extreme.

Well, yeah actually I do have dysphoria, and want to deal with it somehow. 

Yes, it is indeed extreme, I had to sit on the floor and couldn't move for a good half an hour...I really don't know why, and how this reaction is related to dysphoria because dysphoria is still manageable. But repulsion... no way.

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everywhere and nowhere

For me it's, fortunately, much milder. I'm not bothered by the idea of other people having sex, at least if it's dominance-free and violence-free sex. I'm only repulsed by the idea of personally having sex and I think I could have a much stronger reaction if I tried, probably I would break down in tears at the point of undressing (because, as I said, I'm extremely uncomfortable with nudity and actually it's a good protective barrier, potentially keeping me far from trying sex). But fortunately, I have never been in a sexual situation, so it's very theoretic for me.

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Tyger Songbird
14 hours ago, Kururin said:

I've been told I have a very virgin mind

 

While Im not sex repulsed (Im averse), sex to me gives me the worst anxiety. Anything that has to do with me and sex automatically triggers "NOOOOOPE" and I often get really, really anxious. It sorta makes me rather sick for a while because I feel that nervous to even think about it. I dont care if everyone else is doing it, but if its directed at me? Hoo boy. 

 

"How do I even do it?"

"I dont know how to do that?" 

"WHY ALL THIS CLOSENESS?!"  

 

Yeah, I'm extreamly phsyically and mentally virgin 

I've been told I am a highly innocent person.

 

I am sex averse also, and it gives me such intense anxiety. I guess I'm repulsed and averse. I feel the exact same "Nope!" factor, whenever someone tries to bring up sex towards me. Yeah, I know what that's like for sure. And I don't want that to ever happen to me. So, yeah, I'm sex averse. I'm a mental virgin and a physical one too.

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Tyger Songbird
14 hours ago, Falcon7 said:

I can actually hear my voice in your post. I can relate,  really. 

Well... I have looked up what it means by 'mechanically' before, and really regret it. I just saw something for teenage guidance like thing on NHS, nothing radical/porn-ish but still REALLY gross me out and after all I still don't get it (I was so repulsed and couldn't read it through). No, now I'm happy with 'never get it' status. 

 

I don't know why I'm repulsed that much, but I have no idea why people have need to do such gross things either...

I've felt the same exact way. I remember whenever I found out that girls have 'juice' down there, basically "wetting" themselves, I was like "Eww, gross!"  What is that fluid anyway? Like, why make something that's like a cave with stalagmites? Can't  that place be a little more beautiful, really? It was really gross to figure that out. And somehow you're supposed to as a guy go into that with your appendage? That doesn't seem appetizing. It seems really gross and nasty. I don't want to forge into that. I hope that doesn't ever happen. It's already hard enough to think that sperm and egg makes a human (and I'm never doing that), but I hope sex is never a world I'm forced to embark into. It grosses me out.

 

I'm happy with my "never gonna get it" status too, to quote En Vogue. It's already hard to think of some of the things people do with semen. I'd rather not think of doing anything with any other fluid.

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16 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

I've been told I am a highly innocent person.

So, yeah, I'm sex averse. I'm a mental virgin and a physical one too.

In some cultures in the East (Nepal, North India) what you described would be seen as "Enlightened and Noble" as one you has 'renounced' worldly desires and a Bharmachari - the Jains would especially admire you. Your "purity" would be held in highest esteem. No mockery, no pressure no ridicule...Just Peace of mind and spirit

I have been there I have seen it firsthand. That is why I will keep trying to my last breath to get out of THIS culture.

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13 hours ago, Zatarra said:

@uhtred

you might be on to something here... I have noticed this as well with the hard core nerd types. Pretty much the ONLY types (besides orthodox Jewish) of kids I got along with when we moved back stateside in 9th grade. There does not seem to be that "macho" attitude among the crowd. And most of the 'teasing/mockery' is the harmless sort not the TOXIC hyper-masculine crap.

Back in my undergrad days I was trying to decide between IT/Tech or Health Sciences...I should have gone with the IT option

I have spoken with some others here that are in the tech industry and their experiences have been on the positive side as far as being Ace in the workplace. I really regret not following my gut instinct and choosing "healthcare" instead. Now I am trying to pay off my enormous debt and go back to college for IT or Accounting.

It may be more common among hard core nerds, but I expect you can find similar in other groups as well.  One issue may be self confidence.  Once they are out of high school, nerds tend to gain confidence as they realize their position in the world. In a world full of "alphas" and "betas", a lot of the nerds I know are  "omicrons".  They are outside of normal society and quite happy about it.   They often do "macho" things - a physicist friend of mine is a serious rock-climber.  Another an amateur race-car driver.  There are acrobatic pilots, scuba divers and ultra-marathoners.     Some have interesting sex lives, some don't, but its rarely a topic of conversation because there are more interesting things to discuss (like the latest SpaceX launch, and whether the BFS upper stage of BFR really will be able to do a gliding re-entry without needing very heavy heat shielding).

 

Sorry, back on topic: I think if you find people with (real) self confidence you will have less problems with them trying to pressure you into sexual discussions or actions. 

 

 

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Tyger Songbird
14 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

I sometimes wonder if people who are sex repulsed especially are experiencing a sort of dysphoria or something.  Shivering violently seems pretty extreme.

I don't think that  I have dysphoria. I just don't desire to do anything physical in that manner. I don't really connect my body to sex. I don't really do that. I'd like it if were all brains, but that's another thing. I don't have a dissatification with it. I just believe that we are made for things besides that. Sex isn't my purpose, I feel.

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5 hours ago, uhtred said:

It may be more common among hard core nerds, but I expect you can find similar in other groups as well.  One issue may be self confidence.  Once they are out of high school, nerds tend to gain confidence as they realize their position in the world. In a world full of "alphas" and "betas", a lot of the nerds I know are  "omicrons".  They are outside of normal society and quite happy about it.   They often do "macho" things - a physicist friend of mine is a serious rock-climber.  Another an amateur race-car driver.  There are acrobatic pilots, scuba divers and ultra-marathoners.     Some have interesting sex lives, some don't, but its rarely a topic of conversation because there are more interesting things to discuss (like the latest SpaceX launch, and whether the BFS upper stage of BFR really will be able to do a gliding re-entry without needing very heavy heat shielding).

 

Sorry, back on topic: I think if you find people with (real) self confidence you will have less problems with them trying to pressure you into sexual discussions or actions. 

 

 

Cool. I'm glad you have found those who don't play that game. I would love to find people like that, that don't care.

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Tyger Songbird
On 2/26/2018 at 11:08 AM, uhtred said:

My friends are hard core nerds, of the sciency sub-species. Some have obviously active sex lives, some done - no one cares.  Two close friends have never had obvious romantic partners, but no one has ever bugged them about it. 

Cool, it seems like there is a rather huge group of toxic "macho men" out there, and they tend to throw their weight around. Nerds tend to hide themselves like that. I would love to have a group like that, especially with the no bugging factor. Your 2 friends who have never had romantic partners should be easily as acceptable as those who date every Friday. They're both people deserving of love, in my opinion. Why the culture believes that you're only valuable if you're dateable or social is beyond me.

 

It's the same thing as when people think marriage is a milestone for you.

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6 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Cool, it seems like there is a rather huge group of toxic "macho men" out there, and they tend to throw their weight around. Nerds tend to hide themselves like that. I would love to have a group like that, especially with the no bugging factor. Your 2 friends who have never had romantic partners should be easily as acceptable as those who date every Friday. They're both people deserving of love, in my opinion. Why the culture believes that you're only valuable if you're dateable or social is beyond me.

 

It's the same thing as when people think marriage is a milestone for you.

One way to help find people like that is to learn to do interesting things yourself.  Take up long distance running.  Learn to fly an airplane or scuba dive.  Get a black belt in Karate. Walk the Appalachian trail.  Lean to play a musical instrument - well.  Learn a job skill that lets you go to technical conferences.  Get politically involved in some important cause.

 

My experience is that people who do interesting things with their lives aren't interested in being "macho" - they don't need to pose.  Become one of them and you will run into others like you.   Obviously its hard - but doing difficult things is what separates interesting people from normal ones.  Sit back and quietly laugh at the wanna-be "alphas" with their jacked up  trucks, and bragging about their sexual conquests. Its like watching the gorilla compound at the zoo.

 

 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

One way to help find people like that is to learn to do interesting things yourself.  Take up long distance running.  Learn to fly an airplane or scuba dive.  Get a black belt in Karate. Walk the Appalachian trail.  Lean to play a musical instrument - well.  Learn a job skill that lets you go to technical conferences.  Get politically involved in some important cause.

 

My experience is that people who do interesting things with their lives aren't interested in being "macho" - they don't need to pose.  Become one of them and you will run into others like you.   Obviously its hard - but doing difficult things is what separates interesting people from normal ones.  Sit back and quietly laugh at the wanna-be "alphas" with their jacked up  trucks, and bragging about their sexual conquests. Its like watching the gorilla compound at the zoo.

 

 

you make some good points for finding others of like minds ...however this is all for outside work

and sadly for some of us...we are stuck with TOXIC co-workers 40+ hours a week.

So while it would be nice to kick back and quietly laugh at the gorillas ...its another thing when your locked in the Gorilla paddock 40 hours a week

 

That is precisely why I am looking to switch careers to IT or Accounting

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SilverForestFae

I think there is nothing wrong with being afraid of sex, and there's nothing wrong with being afraid of rape. I will literally go to a strip mall and move my car two stores down before going inside because I want my car as close to me as possible. It's just the real world, there are creeps out there. There's nothing abnormal about having those fears.

 

I will say this though, if you find that it is causing you a lot of stress and worry and anxiety, maybe you should talk to someone about it professionally, especially considering you have OCD. I had SAD for a long time and one of my regrets is that I never talked to anyone about my fears. I think it would have helped me a lot to not be so anxious. There's nothing wrong with how you feel. But it might be nice to have some professional support. :)

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9 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I've felt the same exact way. I remember whenever I found out that girls have 'juice' down there, basically "wetting" themselves, I was like "Eww, gross!"  What is that fluid anyway? Like, why make something that's like a cave with stalagmites? Can't  that place be a little more beautiful, really? It was really gross to figure that out. And somehow you're supposed to as a guy go into that with your appendage? That doesn't seem appetizing. It seems really gross and nasty. I don't want to forge into that. I hope that doesn't ever happen. It's already hard enough to think that sperm and egg makes a human (and I'm never doing that), but I hope sex is never a world I'm forced to embark into. It grosses me out.

 

I'm happy with my "never gonna get it" status too, to quote En Vogue. It's already hard to think of some of the things people do with semen. I'd rather not think of doing anything with any other fluid.

Whoa, how freaking gross it is! I can completely relate. I can't stand weird metaphors and  double entendre thing either. Mostly I don't get it, and I'm glad I don't understand it, because it is always gross anyway...

 

Funny thing is that when I was younger and even before came across the term 'Ace', I thought world population is mixture of Ace and Demi and that's it. But it turned out to be we are just 1% and I won't really understand how this world looks like for the rest of 99%.

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Tyger Songbird
Just now, Falcon7 said:

Whoa, how freaking gross it is! I can completely relate. I can't stand weird metaphors and  double entendre thing either. Mostly I don't get it, and I'm glad I don't understand it, because it is always gross anyway...

 

Funny thing is that when I was younger and even before came across the term 'Ace', I thought world population is mixture of Ace and Demi and that's it. But it turned out to be we are just 1% and I won't really understand how this world looks like for the rest of 99%.

Funny part is when I was in school, I just thought that people were faking or whatever. I thought that being in school, the most important thing was to graduate, get a degree, and achieve honors in school. Like, I never understood why people were so insisting on being in a relationship, when you could achieve knowledge or learn new things in school, and would throw all that away. Like, why have sex? Isn't being smart more important? That's what I thought. I never could understand why people were interested in that and would not want to pursue higher learning. Just me. I still wonder that. A lot of people in my town just have babies and propagate, and don't feel concerned to work into being educated. Just saying. Maybe I'm a judgmental jerk. Who knows?

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15 hours ago, Zatarra said:

you make some good points for finding others of like minds ...however this is all for outside work

and sadly for some of us...we are stuck with TOXIC co-workers 40+ hours a week.

So while it would be nice to kick back and quietly laugh at the gorillas ...its another thing when your locked in the Gorilla paddock 40 hours a week

 

That is precisely why I am looking to switch careers to IT or Accounting

Understood.  OTOH, if you socialize with non-work people, its often possible to keep work people at a polite distance.  I don't socialize a lot at work - I'm not rude or negative or anything, I just don't generally go to work social functions. 

 

Still, I can remember high school and being locked in with the gorillas - not fun at all. 

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3 hours ago, uhtred said:

Understood.  OTOH, if you socialize with non-work people, its often possible to keep work people at a polite distance.  I don't socialize a lot at work - I'm not rude or negative or anything, I just don't generally go to work social functions. 

 

Still, I can remember high school and being locked in with the gorillas - not fun at all. 

That is what I aim to do "polite distance" and that used to work at some of my other jobs i.e. Pharmacy or Medical billing office.
however at my new one there is dynamic that expects us to be 'besties' with all out co-workers. Its really quite annoying as Asexuality aside I am a private person and I think work and personal life should be seperate. 

if you dont mind me asking what line of work? you can be general I am not asking a specific title 

The reason I ask (and i have been asking others here) is to get an idea of careers that might be more suited to introverted aro-aces. From my own experience I would say pharmacy- from what others have mentioned to me here I would add Lab-related work (CLS/MLS/Chemicals), IT/Comp Engineering and possibly accounting

 

I have a mountain of student debt from the miserable program I picked and now regret - my hope is to pay some of that off and go back to college. This time I want to get it right and find a more suitable career path

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2 hours ago, Zatarra said:

That is what I aim to do "polite distance" and that used to work at some of my other jobs i.e. Pharmacy or Medical billing office.
however at my new one there is dynamic that expects us to be 'besties' with all out co-workers. Its really quite annoying as Asexuality aside I am a private person and I think work and personal life should be seperate. 

if you dont mind me asking what line of work? you can be general I am not asking a specific title 

The reason I ask (and i have been asking others here) is to get an idea of careers that might be more suited to introverted aro-aces. From my own experience I would say pharmacy- from what others have mentioned to me here I would add Lab-related work (CLS/MLS/Chemicals), IT/Comp Engineering and possibly accounting

 

I have a mountain of student debt from the miserable program I picked and now regret - my hope is to pay some of that off and go back to college. This time I want to get it right and find a more suitable career path

I work in the border between science / research and engineering.   My particular filed is a bit too small for me to mention, but a similar one would be someone who works at a lab that develops new types of lasers for research applications. 

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1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I work in the border between science / research and engineering.   My particular filed is a bit too small for me to mention, but a similar one would be someone who works at a lab that develops new types of lasers for research applications. 

Ahh lab...that makes sense and kind of what I figured

I think you have better chance to to avoid the troglodytes in those areas (lab/research/engineering/pharmacy)

Yep I am definitely going to work to reply this debt and switch careers paths. 

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22 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Funny part is when I was in school, I just thought that people were faking or whatever. I thought that being in school, the most important thing was to graduate, get a degree, and achieve honors in school. 

Exactly, and what else? Yeah socialisation is importent, but believe or not I didn't make any friends at all from my high school. Other people assumed that I was older than them and enrolled high school late for some reason (it wasn't true). I felt comfortable though, and got bunch of nice friends from variety of genereations and backgrounds outside of school. Sex/relationship-centred conversation is just super boring and waste of time for me. I don't understand why those people value sex that much...for me simply it doesn't exist in my mind and my brain cannot process it.

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