Why is Being Scared of Sex a bad thing?

[Tyger Songbird]

I am just curious, I can't be the only one who is this way.

 

For the longest time, I just have had an instant fear based reaction. I haven't ever had sex, but I have had people try to make me have sex. Or convince me I should.

 

"Dude, I haven't ever really seen you with anyone! You need to just get laid and knock it out a little bit! I mean, what are you waiting for? Don't be such a scaredy-cat!"

 

And I have been able to better laugh those discussions off better lately, but one thing that I cannot shake is this: What if I am truly am scared of sex?

 

Seriously, what if?

 

I mean, is that such a bad thing, really?

 

Is it?

 

I mean, I grew up in a rather liberal home. I have parents who are unabashed in how open they are sexually. They may not be "crazy, wild" teens, but they surely aren't Elmer Gantry either. They speak often about how sex is supposedly a "good thing", and it's not "gross". They aren't prudes like that.

 

However, for some reason, I can't help but shiver whenever something sexual appears on TV or something. Like, whenever there is someone moaning or screaming like that, I get really taken aback in alarming fashion. And I can't help but feel that way. I can't shake the feeling of vomiting any time  a sexually intrusive thought enters my brain. I can't help but feel like shaking every time someone mentions sex in front of me. I feel scared of it. I can't help it.

 

Shoot, anytime someone mentions a F word to me, I feel freaked by it. Anytime someone shows some genitalia or tries to be sexual in some way. It's not like it's just any sort of lurid and lewd activities that make me grossed. No.

 

All sexual activities scare me, and I am averse to it all.

 

So, yes, I am scared of sex. I'm sexually frightened. And I can't change that.

 

If someone were to try to have sex with me or be sexually aggressive towards me, I would vomit, pass out, or have a heart attack. I have OCD, and I obsessively worry against other people that they will try to have sex with me if they get too close. It's the reason why I don't date and have never dated. I am being honest with you. I mean, I do want to find love and fall in love with someone, but I don't want to have to feel anxiety every time I go out with someone that they are expecting me to have sex with them.

 

I'm not ready for sex. I'm never going to be ready for sex.

 

I do get scared that someone will try to have sex with me, and I will have to fight back against them from basically raping me. I am afraid that someone will overpower me like that. I know it sounds irrational to think that someone will rape you, but how else should you feel if someone pressures you? I mean, if you don't want to have sex at any time, but they make you feel put upon to have sex, how is that not scary? How are you not going to feel terrified if someone asks to "make the relationship physical"? I don't know what else to feel. 

 

So, yeah, I am scared of sex, but I feel like I am justified in my fear. The world is a sexual world, and it seems everyone wants to be sexual. However, I'm not at all, and I feel nervous doing that. 

 

So, I feel frightened, but I feel like that should be acceptable. I don't know why people think that is such a bad thing.

 

 

[Zatarra]

Same here brother!

I blame the culture...having had the privilege of living abroad for 8 years and then returning to this personal HELL...I really say its the culture.

Honestly I think you would have loved where I was.

 

For me my fear is more how will my sex-repulsion/aromantic aceness affect my work-place relationships and how co-workers will percieve/treat me since they are all 'stable/married family folks' and I am the odd one.

 

My OCD (I guess) fears revolve around not 'fitting in' being mistreated or getting let go because I would to them seem like some 'weirdo' or 'deviant' that doen'st buy into the popular cultural obsession with sex

 

[Philip027]

Some level of caution is warranted with something that has the potential to transmit rather pesky diseases or can result in expensive, time-consuming new life.  But if it's to the point where you're recoiling in horror every time you see something that is vaguely sexual, that's going to impede your livelihood because, as you note, it's a rather omnipresent subject.

 

It isn't really that it's a morally "bad" thing to have this level of fear; it's just that if you don't take steps to get over your fear (which IS possible, at least to the point where people can actually bring up a sexual subject around you without you turning into a nervous sobbing wreck), you're going to be setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty with future social situations.

[Gldlynch]

Hey Tygersongbird

 

I think being scared on sex is NOT* (edit) necessarily a "bad thing." We just annoyingly get labelled as "prude." *rolls eyes*

 

I think it comes from the fear of being completely vulnerable; that everything about us (at least physically) is fully exposed; we have no room to hide when we are naked and/or are encountering a sexual situation.

 

It sucks that our current world is driven by the obsession of sex but without a doubt there are still people out there who are not into it.

[SingleCelledOrganism]

I feel the same way. My friends always say things alike to "But what if you like sex? Just try it!"

They dont seem to understand my perspective on things and act incredibly pushy all the time. I find sex and acts such as that repulsive and honestly quite scary. I truly dont understand why our society sets this act as this wonderful thing that everyone has to like. To be completely honest our society is pretty screwed up. They criticize us for not wanting sex and then proceed to criticize others for liking it. Hypocritical much?

[binary suns]

"why is that the message?" well - generally speaking, we are all afraid to not have an answer, and we all believe in what we want or experience too strongly to recognize when others are different. 

 

 

[Alejandrogynous]

Well no, it's not "bad" to be irrationally scared of something.. but with something like this, it is going to affect your quality of life and your ability to form healthy relationships. If you're okay with that then that's cool. You do you. Just be aware that if you actively make the decision to not address something that causes you significant distress in your everyday life, the rest of the world isn't responsible for your continued struggle.

[Tyger Songbird]

1 hour ago, Zatarra said:

Same here brother!

I blame the culture...having had the privilege of living abroad for 8 years and then returning to this personal HELL...I really say its the culture.

Honestly I think you would have loved where I was.

 

For me my fear is more how will my sex-repulsion/aromantic aceness affect my work-place relationships and how co-workers will percieve/treat me since they are all 'stable/married family folks' and I am the odd one.

 

My OCD (I guess) fears revolve around not 'fitting in' being mistreated or getting let go because I would to them seem like some 'weirdo' or 'deviant' that doen'st buy into the popular cultural obsession with sex

 

Yeah, I worry about that as well. Whenever you're the only single, unmarried one, eventually the question does come back to you. Yeah, a lot of those fears I totally understand.

 

It used to be that people who weren't unmarried were assumed to be either gay or "sexual deviants". That was the idea for many people. I worry that people will look at me as some potential deviant for that. You're not alone on this.

[Zatarra]

9 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Yeah, I worry about that as well. Whenever you're the only single, unmarried one, eventually the question does come back to you. Yeah, a lot of those fears I totally understand.

 

It used to be that people who weren't unmarried were assumed to be either gay or "sexual deviants". That was the idea for many people. I worry that people will look at me as some potential deviant for that. You're not alone on this.

What I dont get is that in any population not every individual will be able to get married or partner up..there could be a variety of reasons for someone to remain single.

i.e. health problems, family obligations (caring for elder/disabled parent or young children from a divorce), too busy in a career. or how about just taking a look in the Bible and see what the Apostle Paul has to say about the "single life" for those that can?

 

I dont get why "gay and deviant" come up as the top choices. 

 

I had an uncle that worked in a factory and he had some health complications (radiation damage from cancer treatments/meds) to where he never did marry or was in any relationships, as far as I know and have asked other family member he was never mocked/harassed at work - it more pity than anything... That for now seems to be my fallback to explain my lack of relationships: "health complications". Its a double edge sword...it may stave off their viscous rumors however it makes you feel broken

 

[Tyger Songbird]

1 hour ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Well no, it's not "bad" to be irrationally scared of something.. but with something like this, it is going to affect your quality of life and your ability to form healthy relationships. If you're okay with that then that's cool. You do you. Just be aware that if you actively make the decision to not address something that causes you significant distress in your everyday life, the rest of the world isn't responsible for your continued struggle.

Yeah, I know you are right. I know that the world doesn't owe me anything. I know that. And I know that finding relationships is hard in life. But I feel that my ability to form relationships is only hard because people include sex in them. I mean, if we could get the dialogue of the way early that there will be no sex ever happening for us, then maybe it would be easier to find relationships. Like, if I could find people who were okay with someone who's asexual, then yeah, I'd be okay with things. However, from what I've seen is that they expect you to have sex at least once to try it. They don't get it. They either expect you to fit in or something is off with you if you refuse. People are suspicious of those who aren't sexual, and I've had even friends wonder if there's something "wrong" with me. It's infuriating. It's strange fitting in their world as someone who's asexual when they believe sex is the basis of life in general.

[RoseGoesToYale]

We were just talking about this in my medical sociology class, along the lines of how it was normal for couples in the past to eventually cease having sex in their marriages, but now the mentality is that everyone always wants sex and that people should keep having sex as long as they can. It's almost like reverse-FOMO where other people want you to at least try it so bad they're afraid you'll miss out on being human. But there are so many other ways to be human, too!

 

We briefly talked about medicalization, where a non-medical issue gets made into one that needs medical treatment. In this case, not an actual sexual disorder or a life altering phobia, but a simple fear of sex. People have fears about lots of stuff... enclosed spaces, spiders, heights. If I were afraid of heights and decided I never wanted to go above 50 feet ever again, would my quality of life suffer? No, I could live a full life under 50 feet. Some people define fear of sex as an underlying fear of intimacy, but the problem is... what is intimacy? It can't be just sex, because for a lot of people there's way more to intimacy than only that. It's the ol' fallacy of composition.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being afraid of sex, and no one should ever have to feel forced to have sex, whether they experience sexual attraction or not.

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, SingleCelledOrganism said:

I feel the same way. My friends always say things alike to "But what if you like sex? Just try it!"

They dont seem to understand my perspective on things and act incredibly pushy all the time. I find sex and acts such as that repulsive and honestly quite scary. I truly dont understand why our society sets this act as this wonderful thing that everyone has to like. To be completely honest our society is pretty screwed up. They criticize us for not wanting sex and then proceed to criticize others for liking it. Hypocritical much?

Very much so. I find my friends are highly intrusive in saying that I just "take a try" with it, and they'll say that I'm being sheltered or something. They just can't imagine how someone wouldn't want to have sex. Sex is like the nonpareil for them, and they just can't imagine how people don't want to ever. They think we're the sad ones. We are the anomaly to them. So, I guess that's why they assume we are lying or we are too ugly before even meeting us. 

 

"They are too ugly to get anyway! That's why they're asexual! It just makes them feel better about themselves. It's all make believe! After all, how else can a human be asexual?"

 

I don't know why they have the idea that sex has to be what makes you human and why it's a requirement for everyone. I don't know.

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Some level of caution is warranted with something that has the potential to transmit rather pesky diseases or can result in expensive, time-consuming new life.  But if it's to the point where you're recoiling in horror every time you see something that is vaguely sexual, that's going to impede your livelihood because, as you note, it's a rather omnipresent subject.

 

It isn't really that it's a morally "bad" thing to have this level of fear; it's just that if you don't take steps to get over your fear (which IS possible, at least to the point where people can actually bring up a sexual subject around you without you turning into a nervous sobbing wreck), you're going to be setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty with future social situations.

I get that, Philip. I know that it's a rather big barrier to sexual relationships. However, imagine being around people who want you to shoot guns, and you aren't a gun owner. And the fear of talking about shooting a gun. Yeah, you could shoot, but many people don't want to ever use guns. Many people wouldn't like that either. Just like a straight man wouldn't like having with a gay guy. It would make them highly uncomfortable. 

 

That's how I feel all the while when someone tries to have sex with me or gets around me like that. It's like a bit of a nightmare for me.

[Chrissy Noelle]

The problem is that much of our society believes that sex is a necessity of life when it's only a thing people desire, many times drastically. Sex has been turned from "I want it and also it's the a way to have kids" to "I need it because it makes me feel good so everyone else has to love it too". The pressure is coming from people forcing their own desires on someone else.

It's like finding someone who doesn't like sweets, so they don't wanna try ice cream and saying "You should just try iiiiiiit! You'll like iiiiiit!"

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with being afraid of sex. I'M afraid of sex and also relationships in general. Being afraid of doing something that is only a "luxury" is not shameful or bad. If I don't wanna ride that 300 mph rollercoaster I don't have to. If I don't wanna go to that party I don't have to. If I don't wanna eat pizza one night then I don't have to. If I don't wanna have sex I sure as heck don't have to. It's just that people make us think we have to when we don't, just so they fulfill their desires/can try to make us "normal". That's what's shameful. 

[LittleLillie]

There's nothing wrong about being scared by it in my opinion, in fact I personally want to avoid it like the plague because it looks very disgusting to me.

I'm not really against others who like it but I get rather uncomfortable when people talk about around me due to my sexually repulsed attitude and I'm still trying to become more tolerant to others when they bring stuff like that lewd stuff.

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

Hey Tygersongbird

 

I think being scared on sex is necessarily a "bad thing." We just annoyingly get labelled as "prude." *rolls eyes*

 

I think it comes from the fear of being completely vulnerable; that everything about us (at least physically) is fully exposed; we have no room to hide when we are naked and/or are encountering a sexual situation.

 

It sucks that our current world is driven by the obsession of sex but without a doubt there are still people out there who are not into it.

My current fear is that there doesn't seem to be an escape away from these situations at hand. Like, there isn't a choice but to give in and "give it up". 

 

Whenever asexuals enter a relationship with someone who wants sex, the only statement given to us is that we have to "please your partner" and "give up sex"  "to compromise".

 

After all, your partner has "needs", right?

 

They demonize us who aren't interested in sex, and they'll say we are "trapping" our partner into misery. I don't get it at all. When you just want to be loved, but you are called evil for "withholding sex" from your partner.

 

So, the only right thing for us to do is to basically lay down and get naked, to show how much you love your partner.  In turn, I basically give up my will in the matter.

 

I mean, don't I have a say in this?

 

How does that breed for a person like me to feel comfortable around others?

 

It seems so hard to find those who aren't, honestly. I wish that we could find those who weren't so into it. However, those are few and far between, it seems.

[Tyger Songbird]

6 hours ago, LittleLillie said:

There's nothing wrong about being scared by it in my opinion, in fact I personally want to avoid it like the plague because it looks very disgusting to me.

I'm not really against others who like it but I get rather uncomfortable when people talk about around me due to my sexually repulsed attitude and I'm still trying to become more tolerant to others when they bring stuff like that lewd stuff.

Thank you. I have felt the exact same way. when it comes to the actual act. I don't want to do such an act. I'd get grossed out. However, sex just scares. It just does. I mean, the act has a lot of 'gravity' towards it. I mean, pregnancy and all sorts of things. Then the act of sex is a whole lot to do. I mean, all the acts you have to do in it? it's just this big deal to people, and you have to make a partner orgasm to satisfy them. That's scary for me. It's another realm that I don't want to enter into. I don't feel comfortable getting that close and naked with others. It's way too much for me.

 

These are things I want no knowledge of and want to desperately avoid at all costs. Not my thing.

 

And even then, what's the guarantee that if you have sex with someone they'll stay with you? It's not foolproof. If it were, divorces wouldn't happen. I don't get how people think sex makes or seals the relationship together. Consummation. I don't get it. Way too often people leave after having sex. So, what's the guarantee that your partner won't leave you? I don't know. I want relationships that last forever. Sex doesn't ensure that at all. They may be gone tomorrow. I want love, not sex. And I don't want any part of sex, ever.

Edited February 23, 2018 by tygersongbird

[WhatEverDontCare]

 

9 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I find my friends are highly intrusive in saying that I just "take a try" with it, and they'll say that I'm being sheltered or something. They just can't imagine how someone wouldn't want to have sex. Sex is like the nonpareil for them, and they just can't imagine how people don't want to ever. They think we're the sad ones. We are the anomaly to them. So, I guess that's why they assume we are lying or we are too ugly before even meeting us. 

I understand that people can be very closed minded and are not able to understand that someone might be different from them and might have different needs. If your friends don't understand you and continue to annoy you, you should probably get new friends honestly. Have you tried talking to them seriously and making them understand the situation? Also, in case you haven't done it  yet, you should probably explain to them that for you is a problem when they make those kind of remarks and that is not something you ever want to talk about. If they don't respect you and your choices, they are just not a good match for you.

 

Having said that, I also think that your fear of sex is a bit much. I agree when you say that people are obsessed with it, but I also understand how sometimes it can be a fun topic to discuss. 

I agree 100 % with what @Philip027 said :

 

12 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Some level of caution is warranted with something that has the potential to transmit rather pesky diseases or can result in expensive, time-consuming new life.  But if it's to the point where you're recoiling in horror every time you see something that is vaguely sexual, that's going to impede your livelihood because, as you note, it's a rather omnipresent subject.

It isn't really that it's a morally "bad" thing to have this level of fear; it's just that if you don't take steps to get over your fear (which IS possible, at least to the point where people can actually bring up a sexual subject around you without you turning into a nervous sobbing wreck), you're going to be setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty with future social situations.

I understand your point of view, but you have two options here. Either wait for everybody to change and adapt to your needs or try to overcome your irrational fear of sex. That doesn't mean that you have to try it of course (this must be very clear, I'm not in any way suggesting that), I just mean that this fear that you describe is a lot, and if you don't overcome it at least partially, is  going to affect your quality of life, because you're always going to feel sick and start shaking whenever someone mentions sex in front of you, or when you see something sexual on TV or wherever else. I just don't  think that people are going to change and avoid the topic, really.

[ixi]

I think there is nothing wrong with being scared of sex. Especially hetero sex can be scary. Just think about unwanted pregnancies...

[Nirnroot]

First of all, the people telling you to "just get laid already" are toxic. It's not okay for people to say that to you. It's not okay to pressure you, or make you feel like your choices are wrong. There are no wrong choices when it comes to whether or not you want to have sex. Your body, your choice. Others really need to let you be. 

Second. so what if you are scared? It's okay to avoid it out of fear. And I'm sure you will find a partner someday who doesn't want sex either. 

 

If you really want to figure out why your so scared or what you should do about it, a therapist is great for talking about that. But you most likely don't need to go that far. 

[uhtred]

The meaning of the word "scared" "may be important here. 

 

I am a straight sexual man.  I am not "scared" of having sex with another man, but I am sure it is something I don't want to do.   I am "scared" of spiders so I have an irrational aversion to spiders.  Fortunately interactions with spiders is not an important part of our personal interactions and culture, so that isn't an important thing for me to work on.  OTOH if I were "scared" of crowds it might have a significant negative impact on my life, and I might want to try to get over the irrational fear (which is different from saying that I should hang around crowds if I don't enjoy it. 

 

So I'd say that not wanting sex is completely fine.  Having an irrational fear of sex might be something you want to work on. (not by *having* sex - but by analyzing the source of your fears). 

 

 

[binary suns]

16 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

Well no, it's not "bad" to be irrationally scared of something.. but with something like this, it is going to affect your quality of life and your ability to form healthy relationships. 

personally, I count this as bad, and use my dislike towards it to fuel my interest in removing it.

 

for the topic of hand, if I were afraid of sex, it would be "bad" in the sense of not being able to stand random things in the world. But that is my framework. I am disliking towards sex, and that to me is not bad - it's good for me to own up to the fact that sex is not for me. But I do like my sexual energy, and I am grey - so reconciling my disliking of sex was necessary for me to be able to enjoy my libido and arousal without being hurt for it. I was able to identify what aspects of sex I didn't need - and what parts I enjoyed - and train myself to enjoy my arousal in the right way to satisfy me without hurting me. 

 

Sometimes I am disgusted by sexualization in media. I also worked to change that. I used to get triggered at all art - but after a while I started to notice that disproportionate art is pretty common regardless of subject, exagguration of certain details to accentuate the subject - for gender, that does include exaggurating bodies - after all, with less detail in the face and less movement, a lot of how our brains recognize men and women is lost - so art has to make up for it. After a few months of brewing over that - I started to be a lot more pleased with art regardless of proportions. I started to notice when power poses were in art with women and that I could not see before, I was too appalled by her porportions... but anyway now I mostly don't even care about sexualization in art anymore. 60% of it is actually just the constraints of the medium, and 20% of it is from people having sexual feelings.. would hurt them not to express it to some extent. 

 

uh, so I'm getting on a tangent. So uh - okay! those were two examples of how my fear of sex was in such a way that I identified it as bad, and what I did about it  

 

I guess "fearing sex is bad" just is too abstract of a statement, you gotta think about it in the application of it, rather than the theory, to know what to do about such an idea. 

[binary suns]

@Alejandrogynous also I really like your name creative! 

[Alejandrogynous]

1 hour ago, float on said:

personally, I count this as bad, and use my dislike towards it to fuel my interest in removing it.

 

for the topic of hand, if I were afraid of sex, it would be "bad" in the sense of not being able to stand random things in the world. But that is my framework. I am disliking towards sex, and that to me is not bad - it's good for me to own up to the fact that sex is not for me. But I do like my sexual energy, and I am grey - so reconciling my disliking of sex was necessary for me to be able to enjoy my libido and arousal without being hurt for it. I was able to identify what aspects of sex I didn't need - and what parts I enjoyed - and train myself to enjoy my arousal in the right way to satisfy me without hurting me. 

 

Sometimes I am disgusted by sexualization in media. I also worked to change that. I used to get triggered at all art - but after a while I started to notice that disproportionate art is pretty common regardless of subject, exagguration of certain details to accentuate the subject - for gender, that does include exaggurating bodies - after all, with less detail in the face and less movement, a lot of how our brains recognize men and women is lost - so art has to make up for it. After a few months of brewing over that - I started to be a lot more pleased with art regardless of proportions. I started to notice when power poses were in art with women and that I could not see before, I was too appalled by her porportions... but anyway now I mostly don't even care about sexualization in art anymore. 60% of it is actually just the constraints of the medium, and 20% of it is from people having sexual feelings.. would hurt them not to express it to some extent. 

 

uh, so I'm getting on a tangent. So uh - okay! those were two examples of how my fear of sex was in such a way that I identified it as bad, and what I did about it  

 

I guess "fearing sex is bad" just is too abstract of a statement, you gotta think about it in the application of it, rather than the theory, to know what to do about such an idea. 

Oh yeah, I meant it's not morally or universally bad to be scared of something. It's an entirely subjective thing and nobody can tell you you're a bad person for it (excluding dangerous fears like xeno- or homophobia). I'm scared of heights but it doesn't impact my life in any real way and rollercoasters don't sound that fun to begin with, haha. But if someone's scared of heights and their life dream is to climb Mount Everest, then yeah, their fear is a "bad" thing for them and they'll have to learn how to face it eventually. So here, "Is being afraid of sex really that bad?" is up to the OP. It's going to affect their life significantly. Are they okay with that?

I agree with you, though, this level of fear of something that's all around us in society and would really cause problems with living a happy and comfortable life, isn't something I personally would be able to accept about myself. I'm really stubborn about things like that though, like I want to know why I'm bothered by something, what that says about me, should I fix it, etc. I'm the sort that purposefully does uncomfortable things because I like analyzing my discomfort. 

 

I had more to say to the OP but this summed my thoughts up pretty well:

4 hours ago, uhtred said:

The meaning of the word "scared" "may be important here. 

 

I am a straight sexual man.  I am not "scared" of having sex with another man, but I am sure it is something I don't want to do.   I am "scared" of spiders so I have an irrational aversion to spiders.  Fortunately interactions with spiders is not an important part of our personal interactions and culture, so that isn't an important thing for me to work on.  OTOH if I were "scared" of crowds it might have a significant negative impact on my life, and I might want to try to get over the irrational fear (which is different from saying that I should hang around crowds if I don't enjoy it. 

 

So I'd say that not wanting sex is completely fine.  Having an irrational fear of sex might be something you want to work on. (not by *having* sex - but by analyzing the source of your fears). 

There's a difference between not wanting something and being afraid of it. Knowing what you want and what you don't want is great - know yourself, stand your ground and be proud of that. Hell yes. Fear though, especially a fear of something like sex, is only ever going to affect you negatively and cause a lot of problems in your life. Not because you should have sex (if you don't want to, absolutely don't), but because you can't even have a conversation about it or see a TV commercial without being affected. Do you want to go the rest of your life being irrationally scared of something and letting that feeling control you? Also, fear doesn't come from nowhere. There's always a root cause even if you don't know what it is, and figuring out what that is could drastically help you understand yourself and learn how to manage these feelings.

[Alejandrogynous]

2 hours ago, float on said:

@Alejandrogynous also I really like your name creative! 

Oh, thank you!  

[Rhaenys]

I'm not scared of it.

Though the rape thing you mentioned in the original post I think that's a common fear among many people so I don't think it's bad but if it's disrupting your life negatively that's when it gets bad. 

Maybe as majority of sexuals shove their desires down everyone's throats making sex seem like a need as if it's food or water (you can die without either of those two not from not having sex.)

The thing is you're gonna have a loot of problems avoiding it.

[uhtred]

27 minutes ago, Rhaenys said:

I'm not scared of it.

Though the rape thing you mentioned in the original post I think that's a common fear among many people so I don't think it's bad but if it's disrupting your life negatively that's when it gets bad. 

Maybe as majority of sexuals shove their desires down everyone's throats making sex seem like a need as if it's food or water.

The thing is  gonna have a loot of problems avoiding it.

I see fear of violence including rape as different from a fear of sex.   Depending on your situation, a fear of violence may be rational.   

Most people are sexual, and sex is an important part of their lives, so its good to be able to tolerate other people's interest in it even if you have no interest of your own. 

[Gldlynch]

11 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

My current fear is that there doesn't seem to be an escape away from these situations at hand. Like, there isn't a choice but to give in and "give it up". 

 

Whenever asexuals enter a relationship with someone who wants sex, the only statement given to us is that we have to "please your partner" and "give up sex"  "to compromise".

 

After all, your partner has "needs", right?

 

They demonize us who aren't interested in sex, and they'll say we are "trapping" our partner into misery. I don't get it at all. When you just want to be loved, but you are called evil for "withholding sex" from your partner.

 

So, the only right thing for us to do is to basically lay down and get naked, to show how much you love your partner.  In turn, I basically give up my will in the matter.

 

I mean, don't I have a say in this?

 

How does that breed for a person like me to feel comfortable around others?

 

It seems so hard to find those who aren't, honestly. I wish that we could find those who weren't so into it. However, those are few and far between, it seems.

Hey

 

Sorry for the big typo - I was meant to say, finding sex scary is NOT necessarily a "bad thing."

 

Being ace and having a relationship with a non-ace is definitely a two-way street in regards to compromise. A balance has to be calculated - i.e. when it is important to meet your own needs and when it is important to meet your partner's.

 

The non-sexual partner absolutely has a say. Not everything in relationship is based on sex, and I think it's our duty to emphasise this case. Sadly, we live in a world which is dominated by a "sex sells" image so it's not going to become any easier but hopefully we will slowly become more visible (:

[Tyger Songbird]

4 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

Hey

 

Sorry for the big typo - I was meant to say, finding sex scary is NOT necessarily a "bad thing."

 

Being ace and having a relationship with a non-ace is definitely a two-way street in regards to compromise. A balance has to be calculated - i.e. when it is important to meet your own needs and when it is important to meet your partner's.

 

The non-sexual partner absolutely has a say. Not everything in relationship is based on sex, and I think it's our duty to emphasise this case. Sadly, we live in a world which is dominated by a "sex sells" image so it's not going to become any easier but hopefully we will slowly become more visible (:

Hopefully, it does become easier to find a partner who is interested in asexuality.  I mean, the vast majority of people tend to just think that you are supposed and expected to have sex as a "relationship ritual". When that doesn't happen, then they think something is wrong in the relationship or that you don't love them or something, because people equate sex with love. And that doesn't make me feel comfortable, not in the slightest.

 

I feel scared that the only way to show a partner that I love them, I would have to give my body up to them. I don't want to have to have a relationship where that is the basis. Unfortunately, that is the way things seem to be going.

[Tyger Songbird]

15 hours ago, ixi said:

I think there is nothing wrong with being scared of sex. Especially hetero sex can be scary. Just think about unwanted pregnancies...

Man, I didn't even go into that route. That can be scary enough. However, I'm scared of sex for reasons bigger than just pregnancy.