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I'm Not Really Sure What to Say


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Hi Everyone, I'm new here. You can probably tell as to how waffley this entire question or dilemma you may call it may be.

 

I'm 19 and never been kissed. This is a statement that makes me particularly anxious. oh not to mention I suffer with anxiety, particularly social anxiety. I stress myself out over social situations, other people and mostly what people think of me. 

 

There have been few opportunities where I could have kissed somebody but felt I was not good enough for them and figured they would regret it in the morning. My low confidence has also given myself excuses when I was in my younger teen years to avoid parties and situations where I could have the opportunity to kiss a guy.

 

For me, social situations are daunting. I avoided going clubbing for a year! Most of the time when something is daunting for me and I'm finally pushed to do it by my friends the ball kind of drops and now, for example, I enjoy going out and getting absolutely slaughtered. Although, I have always enjoyed drinking. Who doesn't at our age?!

What I am trying to say here is, I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months now. I like him and i do care about him a lot. however, we have not kissed. This has become particularly frustrating to him and also myself. I put it down to my anxiety, I think about kissing him but when it comes to it, there is almost a blockade there. He has tried it multiple times and I have kind of just sacked it off. It upsets me. When I'm in the moment I do want to kiss him and I definitely don't want to lose him. But I just don't know whats stopping me here. Even now when this entire 'relationship' is hanging on a thread, something is still stopping me. 

 

Personally, I find the whole kissing thing particularly daunting, due to my lack of experience I fear It will just be all gross and nasty, or there won't be sparks there, so many thing just flying around my head. I know kissing is not a massive deal, I just seem to make it into something a lot bigger than what it really is. 

 

My friend mentioned something about asexuality, so me being me, thought I'd delve into some good ol' fashioned internet research. However, finding this particularly daunting and a lot of information. I just want to ask you guys what your experiences are? Does this sound like asexuality to you guys? Am I right in saying this is just my anxiety? I guess this is more of a cry for help more than anything. An answer to my weird ways!

Any questions and I'll do my very best to answer them! Or any information than can better help me understand asexuality 

 

p.s. have a beautiful day!

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First of, welcome and have some cake :cake:

I'm fairly new here so take anything I say with a grain of salt, but it does sound like asexuality could be applicable to your case. As I understand it the main sign would be a lack of interest in kissing in your example, but generally the most important part is sex as it asexuality, some asexuals like kissing, some don't, there is a wide variety of people within the spectrum. If kissing, or rather sex, is something you want to do but feel unable to do it may be anxiety, if it just is something that doesn't matter or you even dislike the idea of then you are likely ace. But in the end no one can tell you what you are or what labels to use, only you can decide, we can only help you on the way. 

The main part I can take from your message is to ask whether you want to kiss and go further with your boyfriend because it is expected and he wants it, or if it is something you yourself want and, removing anxiety, would seek out.

Realize it may not help much but hope it might help a little bit at least and bring a little clarity to the situation, even if only a little

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It does sound like it’s stemming from your anxiety. But the most important question as asked above (albeit slightly different phrasing) is, are you attracted to him in a sexual way? This is kinda a core to asexuality. It’s about attraction, not actions. 

 

Maybe if you expressed your concerns about being inexperienced with him it might be a little less daunting to actually kiss. But I guess most importantly, try not to think about it too much (but I know that can be hard with anxiety).

 

Good luck.

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scarletlatitude

I'm mostly aromantic so not sure if my experiences would be helpful at all... so I'll go a different way with this :P 

 

You do need to talk with your partner about it. I know anxiety is a b* (I've had it since forever) but you have to talk about it. Tell him that it makes you anxious. Communication is key. :) 

 

 

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Janus the Fox

Anxiety is particularly tricky to deal with, even when the mind may have the intent for relations, but also that nagging doubt in the mind that clouds everything.

 

Do something what you want to do in small steps, the typical social sequence of things need not apply if you dot want to, rather than big leaps, the things you wish you want to do, broken down into smaller tasks.  Inform any particulars, like an understanding partner to take things realistic and slowly.

 

I know that anxiety whether be it socially or more generally from experiences is tough to handle but manageable.  Small steps and time is all I have going to improve that of the anxious self. :)

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Baby steps, girl. Baby steps. 

 

It's ok. Seriously. There are people who are way older and never kissed before. 

 

Idk. If you're feeling like your anxiety is taking over... maybe try doing stuff with your hands? Like certain chores. Washing dishes. Cleaning the house. Etc. If you just feel things with your hands, it allows a chance for your mind to relax. Or at least that's what my therapist said. Then when you're calm, if you wanna... then think about it? Soul search? Idk. You know yourself the most. So do whatever you feel is best.

 

Yeah, yeah, easier said than done. Fingers crossed. Hopefully, you'll figure it out soon. 

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