Advice would be appreciated ^^

[EngineeRaven]

Hi everyone. I’m pretty new here, as a member. I’ve been reading the forums as a guest for quite a time now, but I only got the courage to actually join and ask my questions now.

This is gonna be VERY long, so if you don’t have the time, TL;DR summary can be found in the middle of my explanation in the form of a numbered list of things I know for sure. I might have missed some important things, but I tried to gather everything.

Long story short (okay, still gonna be a very long story, to be honest), I’m a 20-year old female, never had any relationships.

I’ve always been an introvert and “the weird kid”, so I’ve never really had the chance to date boys, and never had an example in my really small group of friends, to see how it works. Of course, I had a couple of minor crushes, but they weren’t too serious. Looking back I’d say they were more like obsessions than any kind of real attachment. It sounds a bit disturbing, put like that, but that’s the best word I can use for it. It never lasted too long, I would always realize after a few months that it wouldn’t work, and then I would just let it go and forget about it. I always thought that I was simply not the type to run after boys, and that I had more important things to do, like study and play video games. I never thought something was missing.

I don’t know when it was when I realized that my way is not the one of most people around me. Maybe it happened when I was dating this guy, not for a very long time. He kept on telling me things I wasn’t comfortable with. Things that are nothing special, but I would find them immature and irrational. I like puns, but when every other sentence has something in it that suggests sex, it’s not my kind of conversation.

Time passed.

Then a few weeks ago I had some rare deep-talk with my little sister, and she confirmed what I actually had been suspecting for almost a year by then: the way things work for me are not how they work for her. She has a boyfriend and she does the usual stuff people do in a relationship. And she tells me how hot she finds him, how she wants to sleep with him and stuff. She told me all these, and I found that I couldn’t relate. I’ve never felt those things. And then she said: “Well, you’re probably asexual.”

So since then I thought a lot about it, and since I like facts more than intangible stories, here’s what I could find (Also TL;DR for those who quite understandably didn’t have the time to read the things above):

1. The idea of sex is interesting for me, but not as something I’d like to take part in. I can talk about it with a straight face, as I can talk about my dinner. How it affects people’s lives intrigues me a great deal. I’m curious about how it feels or what causes it, how it cooperates with emotional attachment and similar things. Basically the psychological side of it.

2. If I think about it, as something that I should do, my reaction varies from mild disinterest to mild panic. If I think about it, as something that other people do, it’s interesting, but nothing more.

3. As most people of my age, I’ve experienced with various kinds of pornography, but it just never felt okay. Not only because the objectifying part, no. Whenever I gave it a shot, I would look at the screen, try to figure it out why all this should be arousing to anyone, then skip minutes of the “movie”, because it find it boring. They just do the same motion over and over again.

4. Whenever I develop emotional attachment towards people that is more than simple friendship, it is never about their looks. I actually fell in love with my current… whatever he is right now… without knowing exactly how he looks like. I just never gave a damn about looks. There are things that I like about a man, but they are just things that I find pretty, like long hair or a certain kind of smile. And when I say I like these things, it means I like to look at it, but I don’t feel the need to get closer to the owner than a certain point.

5. I’ve always been a bit uneasy about touching. Any kind of touching. If I don’t know somebody really well, then it just doesn’t feel right. I know it has nothing to do with being asexual or not, but I feel it’s an important part of what I am.

6. When I look at naked people, male or female, I… don’t know what I should feel, because I feel nothing. Sometimes I think that oh yeah, that is something I would like to draw, because I like how the light and shadows play on that certain type of muscular structure, but never ever have I thought that hmm, I’d like that thing inside me. Not even once.

7. When I pictured my future, I always thought I’d marry someone, have kids, have a career, and so on. But I never actually considered the idea that in order to have kinds I would actually have to have sex with someone, and now it makes me feel a bit uneasy.

8. When we were teens, my sister would always point out guys to me and say: “Look, how hot he is”, and I would just look. I’d never get what she means. I’ve never found their bodies attractive, and I never understood what all the fuss about muscles and manly faces is.

So back to the original thing that gave me the final push to make this rather long post:

Now I’m dating this guy. We’ve been talking online for a few months, then met a couple of times, and I’m confused. I’m pretty sure I like him more than a simple friend, I’d even say I love him. Now I know him well enough that him holding my hand or hugging me doesn’t feel wrong like it does with most people. But it stops there. I like being with him, talking for hours or just walking in silence, and that is more than anything I’ve ever felt towards a boy. I even think kissing would be okay, just give me some time. But… I just don’t feel the need to do anything more. If I picture an evening with him, that’s cuddling up in a blanket and watching some movie, or walking or playing some fps game together. I don’t think I want to see him naked. I don’t think I would miss having sex with him if we never got to that point.

I’ve seen many people here worrying if a mixed relationship could work. I don’t think it would be an unresolvable problem. He’s pretty understanding with all my weird little things and I think, even if he does need sex as a part of a relationship, that’s okay with me. I physically able to get aroused, so I think I would be able to play along, even if I didn’t feel the need to do so.

So as things are getting more serious, I think sooner or later I should talk to him about this, but I don’t know how to address the situation. I don’t even know if I’m really an ace or just overthink it. I know, when all these “symptoms” fit a person, it’s mostly not simple overthinking, but it feels weird, and I always doubt everything until there is no other way. And I don’t want to give him a false alarm. Maybe if I get closer to him, I develop some kind of desire? It’s very unlikely, but what if?

The other thing that makes me unsure how I should tell him is the fact that he gets easily embarrassed about everything, and I don’t want to cause him an unnecessarily hard moment, especially if it turns out to be a false alarm.

Now you few who made it through this rather long and not very well-constructed post: firstly, thank you. Secondly: what do you think? Is this how being an ace is? Or am I just overreacting, and simply scared of getting close to another person? Also, if I’m not overreacting: when is it the right time to come out to significant other? How should I start to address the matter? Should I just wait and see?

(Sorry for the long post. I know you must have read thousands like this before me. Thank you for any help or advice you have for me. Anything is appreciated.)

 

[ReyGraves]

In my opinion, which don’t consider it above your own in this matter, is that all of that sounds ace. (But really you can label yourself)

 

To the telling him part: if you don’t want to come out as ace (since you’re not completely sure) then maybe just talk with him and say you want to go slow with the physical aspect of the relationship. Warn him that it might not be on the table to have sex. (As opposed to the other way around where there might be sex.)

 

There’s not really a set date to talk to partners about this especially since relationships develop at different times. Just...when it feels right, but definitely before actually trying anything physical you might find iffy. You gotta set boundries and make sure he knows how you feel.

[uhtred]

I can comment on the relationship part of this from the other side - I'm a sexual male in a long term marriage to a woman who is quite non-sexual if not asexual.  My apologies for being blunt / honest, but this is my experience: 

 

Its bad.  It didn't start out badly, but over time its become more and more of a problem.  Its no one's fault, but sexual and asexual people can view romance very differently.  For asexual, sex may be tolerable, but it is in no way connected to love and romance, it is just a thing that they do.  For many sexual people sex is integrally tied to love and romance - they really can't imagine a romantic relationship that wasn't sexual.

 

To make it worse, many sexual people really want the sex to be mutual. They don't want their partners to be masturbation devices, they want real  shared passion.  An asexual person might go through the mechanics of sex, but they are not going to be passionate. 

 

 

So, I think it is best to let him know fairly early.  You will need to make it clear that this is how you are wired - you are not going to warm up to him over time and become a passionate lover. It is not who / what you are.

 

I know this is difficult, but it can save a lot of hurt for both of you in the future. 

 

 

[Zatarra]

I think you will find there are different 'sub-types' when it comes to aces - so you may get different answers from others here. I cant and wont say that I speak for the others- I can just give you my 'Aromantic-Asexual' perspective (one of the many types of aces you will find here).

 

I like that you numberedyour points...I cant tell you if you are ace or not or what type ...that is something only you can decide as well as telling your partner or not.

what I can do is give you my experiences as an Aro-Ace male from #1-8 

 

1. The idea of sex as never been interesting to me...the only time I ever spent any thought on it was purely to pass my Anatomy and Physiology class in college- so while you may have appreciated the Psychology side I was purely studying the Physiology side of it. It may have to do with the fact that my dad's job had us travelling quite a bit and I spent my formative years in a predominately south asian culture where sex was MAJOR TABOO. It was not discussed or joked about...no sex ed at school. I was there from 1st to 8th grade...looking back now that may have intensified my already aro-ace (like miracle grow on a crop...or bone-meal on a crop if your a Minecraft fan like me ) nature as I was in culture where I could be me and not have the societal/peer pressure we have in the "west" were sex is practically worshiped. No my formative years were in a culture that gave us Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism - all tight lipped about sex and celibacy was of high regard.

 

2. Thinking about sex is not an issue since I dont...I do however get mild-moderately-severely annoyed depending on how much friends or co-workers harp on about it.

 

3. I had the misfortune of seeing porn once when a friend (once we moved back state side of course) showed me something I was and I quote "really missing out on dude".

I could not wrap my mind around the act of two people mashing private parts and groaning...it was quite nauseating actually...never saw it again...ever. My 'private' stash of magazines includes: national geographic or TIME 

 

4. my emotional attachment is to close friendship...of a complete non-sexual nature. I prefer to be around others who can look past the hypersexual culture and talk about the simpler things in life. I care only of a person's heart not their looks. 

 

5. I am okay with simple touching: a hand shake, a pat on the back, a brief hug... nothing more. that is my line as far as my comfort zone goes. 

NO cuddling, no snuggling and definitely NO kissing.

 

6. similar view as yours...except I would not care to draw them. If I do draw its always characters that are clothed. 

 

7. When I picture my future ...I picture myself in a remote monastery somewhere high in the Himalayas. Somewhere in India, Nepal, Bhutan or at the very least Thailand. I picture myself with a loyal Tibetan mastiff and visiting the local villages where I can put my healthcare skills to use and be a 'healer' of sorts (I am in the Occupational Therapy field...physical therapy's lesser known cousin). 

 

8. same as your exp...I could never understand what "hot" meant as far as attraction - in my case as a Male Aro-Ace I never understood the appeal of breasts, curves, behinds, etc... probably why I had few friends when we moved back stateside... I could never relate to guys here my age. In fact the only real friend I had in highscool (we moved back stateside when I was in 9th grade) was an Orthodox Jewish guy -and their culture was very quiet and conservative similar to what I had experienced in S.Asian culture. so we got a long great without any awkward "check her out isnt she hot" talk.

 

So that's my experience...dont know if that helps - maybe you can compare your exp with my #1-8

[scarletlatitude]

I agree it sounds ace. I feel the same most of the time. It is entirely possible to be ace and have a relationship. Many aces will have sex with their partner just because the partner wants to. But you gotta be open with that communication. You wouldn't want your partner thinking one thing when it's not true, and then having hurt feelings later on. 

 

1 hour ago, MaeveTheRaven said:

Whenever I develop emotional attachment towards people that is more than simple friendship, it is never about their looks. I actually fell in love with my current… whatever he is right now… without knowing exactly how he looks like. I just never gave a damn about looks. There are things that I like about a man, but they are just things that I find pretty, like long hair or a certain kind of smile. And when I say I like these things, it means I like to look at it, but I don’t feel the need to get closer to the owner than a certain point.

People can be attracted in all kinds of ways. It doesn't have to be looks. One thing I know I am (among other labels) is sapioromantic, or attracted to people who are intelligent. It's way more subjective than it seems. 

 

1 hour ago, MaeveTheRaven said:

When I look at naked people, male or female, I… don’t know what I should feel, because I feel nothing. Sometimes I think that oh yeah, that is something I would like to draw, because I like how the light and shadows play on that certain type of muscular structure, but never ever have I thought that hmm, I’d like that thing inside me. Not even once.

Same

 

1 hour ago, MaeveTheRaven said:

. When we were teens, my sister would always point out guys to me and say: “Look, how hot he is”, and I would just look. I’d never get what she means. I’ve never found their bodies attractive, and I never understood what all the fuss about muscles and manly faces is.

Same x2 (wait are we clones...?)

[plasticapollos]

UH. WHY HASN'T SOMEONE OFFICIALLY PRESENTED YOU WITH CAKE YET?? It's a tradition :3 Welcome aboard!!

 

[EngineeRaven]

Hello everyone! First and foremost, thank you for the warm welcome and the kind and useful (and fast!) answers.

 

@ReyGraves Thank you for your opinion. I find it very useful, and I really hope the subject will come up on its own, since I'm not very good in initiating "big news" kind of conversations. Also there is that 0.00001% chance that I mis-identified myself. I may be too much of an engineer to work with that error rate.

 

@uhtred Special thanks to you. I don't consider your opinion rude or anything, quite the opposite. Thank you for spending a few moments on answering my question, because it's always nice to look at the other side of the situation. I understand what you mean, and of course I do everything to make it fair play.

 

@Zatarra Thank you! I know I can get really confusing when explaining things in continuous sentences, so I prefer to make lists when I want to see facts. Especially when I wish to hear other people's opinions about said facts. I'm only vaguely familiar with Minecraft, but I think I get what you mean. I highly respect cultures and religions/ideologies that put spiritual growth before carnal pleasure, it must have been a great experience to live among these people.   And thank you, comparing our lists did indeed give me a better perspective.

 

@scarletlatitude Thank you for your kind words and support. Yes, I'm willing to make it work, whatever it takes (okay, not whatever, there are things like homicide and stuff that I would definitely not do. Okay, I know, I know. Bad joke, shame on me.), and I know I have to consider the feelings and needs of both parties. And well, I don't know about clones, but there's always a mild chance that there are mad scientists living in the family, so I wouldn't actually rule the possibility.

 

@plasticapollos Thank you for the cake and welcoming words. Here, have slice! *hands slice over*

 

Again, big thank you for all of you, guys, your words helped to resolve some inner conflicts. I appreciate the time you put in answering all my questions. ^^