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How to deal with sexual innuendos and jokes that make me uncomfortable


KindaConfused

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KindaConfused

Just backstory ///// ALSO WARNING IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE WORD "sex" I SUGGEST YOU DON'T READ THIS

I started high school this year and also realized that I may be asexual. Anyways I've recently noticed that I've been uncomfortable when people are talking about talking about sex or even when I'm talking with friends and they start talking about how attractive they seem to find a guy, especially when they use words like hot and sexy. My friends have kinda come to the conclusion that I'm just immature and innocent, but really I'd consider myself to be very mature, just not comfortable with the topic of sex. Sure in middle school sometimes guys would make sexual jokes and others would laugh, but really I never understood them, because why is there so much terminology  for sexual acts? So this year a friend suggested the possibility of me being asexual, and right after deciding that maybe I was, we had like a sex talk. That sounds really weird but she just wanted me to know what people meant when they said things like blowjob or handjob, because she had picked up that I had no idea what people meant when that was said and everyone laughed while I stared wide eyed and confused. I actually had no idea people did these things at all and honestly almost started bawling in the hallway during lunch as she was telling what all these things were, I also find most to be very appalling. It just felt so inappropriate to me and I don't know I just felt uncomfortable. I also felt like such an idiot after realizing that everyone knew that that happens and what those things mean, and that even some girls in my grade have done those things. Even right now it's making me pull my body closer and cringe. 

 

After learning about these things, I began to understand a whole lot more of what people were saying. For example an incident that occurred today and perhaps the worst I've ever faced and the reason for me writing this. Okay so I'm part of my school's tennis team, the girl's team, but we train with the boy's team because of limited courts and an uneven amount of girls. So today we had practice since tomorrow there's a game, but it was just a practice and no one takes them too seriously so a bunch of people skipped and I was earlier than usual, so I was the only girl there with about 6 other guys (our girl's team is only 7 girls while the guys have about 15), our coach hadn't arrived yet either so it was just us getting our stuff together and dressing out. I dressed out and was just tying my shoes while the guys were looking at the cost of tennis balls online. And one of them says "Head balls cost a ton" and then a bunch of others chirp in like "Head makes balls??" and then comes the joke, the horribly executed and cringey joke that makes my skin crawl...... " I want some head..... Anyone willing to provide?" Which of course makes all the guys laugh and praise this sophomore for being hilarious 🙄. Meanwhile me, being the only girl there, and obviously being the one the joke was directed at, kinda just faked a laugh. I was panicking like hell it made me so uncomfortable 😣, I legit gulped and abruptly left to the bathroom with the excuse that I had left a hair tie there. I stayed there for like five minutes until another girl arrived and knocked to use the bathroom.  I came back and the guys obviously knew something was wrong with me, they all sorta kept quiet and didn't really talk like that throughout the entire practice. I feel as if they were weirded out how such a small joke that any other girl would have probably brushed off, had affected me.

 

THE ACTUAL QUESTION 

Now on to my question, I'm sorry, I can never write anything without writing an entire book of backstory. 

 

Ok so for anyone that may be uncomfortable hearing jokes or innuendos about sex, or just talking about sex, or even seeing the word (god, I'm so sorry if that's the case and you've just read this) , how do you usually deal with them, or cope with it? Especially in this modern age where sex is literally everywhere.

 

yeah no wow that was way too much, sorry. 

 

 

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The unfortunate thing is that it sounds like you're in middle and high school, where sex talk is literally everywhere. Unfortunately it's probably something you're just going to hear from time to time, and most likely you'll eventually become desensitized to it in a way. That comment was particularly vulgar and made worse by the fact that you were the only girl there, so I definitely understand your discomfort, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. 

 

My best advice is to keep your chin up and remember after you graduate school, the amount you have to deal with this becomes less and less. For now try to surround yourself, as much as you can, with people who are either more private and not super open about their sex lives, or people who know and respect your discomfort. 

 

When you start to panic remember that it's just a comment, it's only a joke, it really doesn't mean anything. Even if it's upsetting its temporary, and you'll be okay. 

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KindaConfused

@SilentRose Thank you, you're right too. I guess it is pretty unavoidable at school, I'll just try to keep my chin up and not let it get to me too much.

 

@RandomDolphin That may just be what I'll do from now on... instead of locking myself up in a bathroom😅

 

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I used to hang out with people who talked about sex all of the time. I never noticed it because I was always off in my own little world, but every now and then I would drop in and hear something mortifying. Whenever I got dragged into the conversation, I would just stare off into space, feeling like an antelope surrounded by hyenas.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, sweetie. People at that age are extremely immature, and it's hard to avoid the topic of sex - but as SilentRose said, they are just words, and they don't mean anything. Hopefully, those boys realized that they did wrong and will never say something like that around you again. 

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You’ll probably get used to it enough eventually. You don’t have to hang around vulgar people but if talk of attraction makes you uncomfortable, I don’t know how that’s possible to avoid, especially with teenagers. They probably were as weirded out by your discomfort as you were with their comments so maybe explain it’s not your sort of thing?

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When I was 17 I was in math class and the kid across from me, loud enough for the entire class to hear, asked me if I'd ever given someone a 'motorboat' and the teacher just laughed, "alright, alright, that's enough". High school and middle school is such crap. We had teachers who chimed in with this stuff because they spent so much time around filthy kids that they started to laugh along with the jokes for approval. I may have identified as asexual, but even now I hate that shit. I get the occasional sarcasm and "purposefully sounding like a frat boy" humor, but it's irritating to put up with when it's genuinely the pnly humor and the only conversation that people are interested in having. It's not immature not to know what slang terms mean or not to know about sex acts if you don't have an interest in the topic. It's completely redundant for people to be expected to know about something that they don't care about. if it's not funny, don't laugh. Fuck your peers if they laugh at you for not being impressed by their stupid comments, stupid jokes, and gross language. it's not about sexuality, it's that you're on a different level than them. Sure, it may be easy for them to all talk so freely because there's a "default" view on heterosexuality, but even if you were heterosexual, I'm 99% sure you'd still be just as tired as you are now. Lots of us had to go through the water-hole-esque nature of high school, so maybe you can keep your ear open and find others who dislike the dialogue as much as you do knowing that you don't have to feel excluded by being asexual; lots of people in your school probably feel the same .

 

 

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arekathevampyre

Ignore them if you can ? 

There was once I was so p***** with someone , I told them to shut up and they did . And I am not even the kind who yell around in school lol

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Hey KindaConfused

 

"Sex" is cringe, but honestly, I've grown numb to it... People around me know me as a bit of a clown so when I'm in a situation where I have to mention the word I usually say it like Miranda (Hart). It's a good disguise to take the piss because I genuinely find that word uncomfortable. Much like you, I also resent "sexy" and "hot" as words of flattery; I find them objectifying. I used to think I was just immature finding these words weird and almost "yucky" but I eventually realised this was all deep rooted in my asexuality - what a relief! We aren't late sexual bloomers, we are exactly the way we are meant to be (:

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Being anxious about sex talk is one thing, but your tennis club incident was closer to something that could be bracketed as sexual harassment - I think even most sexual females would feel extremely uncomfortable on the receiving end of a bunch of lads making pointed remarks about whether there's any volunteers to give them a blowjob. There were a lot of them and only one of you, and naturally it's intimidating. As you say, it was easier to deal with when you weren't the only female.

 

They shouldn't have acted like that, and from how you describe their change when you re-emerged, I think they realised they'd gone too far when you disappeared. I'm sure they picked up on your discomfort, but too late. Adolescent boys can be total jerks about sex (speaking as a former adolescent boy), but it's generally misjudgement rather than malignity; they're trying to understand their own feelings about sex and reaction to becoming attracted to people too - not that it excuses them - and they screw up and hopefully learn to do better next time.

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The good news is that in many social groups and in workplaces this sort of thing gets less common as you get older.  My friends are mostly in sexual relationships, but sexual innuendo and jokes are extremely rare. Most workplaces don't allow this sort of behavior either. 

 

In the short term you can get by with a bit of eye-rolling when people make comments like this.  Just take it as a sign of their immaturity. 

 

I do understand that it makes you uncomfortable.  If the lack of knowledge bothers you, you have the option of reading about sex - but of course doing that might make you even more uncomfortable than not knowing. 

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Purple Wanderer

Guess I'm lucky,  Its like another language to me. I'm indifferent to sex in general so I'm not made uncomfortable by that talk. I can enjoy a pun or innuendo

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  • 5 years later...
junkmail.uk.wtf

Sex is natural in order to conceive 

Those that joke about it may be just as uncomfortable but it has become the norm in this day and age 

The sad truth is that porn has affected our minds and the way we perceive sexual relationships and how we respond to them which is pretty bad due to the fact that our expectations and sexual experiences often doesn't live up to those expectations, 

Try to embrace these conversations and and also study it therefore you can give a better insight into what sex really is and the importance of embracing someone's body in a positive light rather than just a bragging right, most people tend to grow as they age 

All the best 👍

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