Need to rant

[Conchobar]

Hi all.

Not so much after advice, just need to vent, and don't have anywhere else that would understand.

My wife is Grey-sexual. Partially due to physical issues, partially mental. I'm hyper-sexual.

For 6 years I've been mostly suppressing my sex drive (with various levels of success). Last week, I was chatting online with a friend. Our chatting is very blunt, and quite often reaches discussions of sexual topics. She is hyper-sexual too, and frequently frustrated at her lack of options. 

I spoke to my wife about my frustrations, and we agreed that it was ok for me to sext someone other than my wife. She has trouble separating sex from emotion, so she wanted to know as little as possible, but wanted me to still have an outlet.

I spoke with the friend, and we exchanged some pictures and some hardcore chat.

It was great. I felt wanted in a way I haven't for years, and having this sexual contact with another woman made me feel even closer to my wife.

But today I got another message from my friend. She's putting a pause on the sexting. She's sorting out dramas with her own mental health, and sexting a married man was resulting in some mental turmoil.

I have sworn to her that she did nothing wrong, and to take the time she needs to sort her head, and then let me know if we remain friends with benefits, or just friends.

But now I feel horrible. I know it was a big thing for my wife to give me the permission. And now, after the difficult discussion and soul searching that entailed, it has come to nothing. My friend is mentally troubled. I feel like as arsehole for putting them both in this situation.

I can't talk to my wife about this, because she wanted zero information about me sexting other people. I don't really have any friends I would feel comfortable discussing this with. So I'm getting it all out here.

Why does it always have to be so difficult?

[binary suns]

I am sorry to hear. I think it's worth noticing that this has been a good thing in numerous ways for you, for your wife, and for your friend. Some times good things come with difficult emotions and disappointment. 

 

But you said that being able to have that outlet made you feel closer to your wife. 

 

You mentioned how your wife expressed her boundaries and her accomodations, and while i can't speak for her if there is anything else she got. that in and of itself is a good thing to have. 

 

you speak of how your friend is facing some stress and drama, and that - I am someone with stress and drama in my life... facing it is hard, but facing it is what I have to do. It isn't your fault okay? If she is anything like me, facing hard feelings is something we accept in life, and walking through does pay off if even only slightly. I get mad at myself when I walk into stupid things that hurt. but if I never walk into those things and hurt ... I can never overcome the hurt or drama inside that I face. it's something I got to do, idk how else to explain it.. and well. I actually can't speak for your friend but only for myself. 

 

I hear how you feel frustrated and how horrible you feel... I hope my post could be helpful in that regard, to relieve some of the burden  a little. I know how alone it can feel sometimes when you are facing things you can't share with people you normally share things with.... so it is nice to vent. 

[Conchobar]

Thanks. I know it's not my fault, yes its given her some serious thinking to do, but she had other things trigger it. But my mental health likes to tell me how I've made things worse!

And thank you, it helps to talk to people who understand

[roland.o]

14 hours ago, Conchobar said:

its given her some serious thinking to do

When I enter a phase of serious thinking, I usually feel much better than before when I'm through with it. It may come at an inconvenient time, but in the end, it is helpful. I hope your friend will feel the same way, too.

[Guest]

You were being ethical about the non-monogamy, so you didn't do anything wrong. You had permission. It's up to your friend to decide if she's OK with it or not. But, your wife consented and you are respecting your friends wishes to not pursue it. So, don't beat yourself up. 

[Conchobar]

Thanks everyone. 

I spent the start of this year in a psych ward, I know my mental health is not fully recovered. I know I'm taking it harder than I should. 

Knowing doesn't make it hurt less though

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Conchobar said:

Thanks everyone. 

I spent the start of this year in a psych ward, I know my mental health is not fully recovered. I know I'm taking it harder than I should. 

Knowing doesn't make it hurt less though

If only knowing something logically made the pesky emotional impact go away... would be nice.

 

But, hopefully with time it won't feel so bad.  

[Conchobar]

So, I spoke to the friend.

She's unwilling to continue any sexual contact. It doesn't feel right to her.

Not going to lie, it hurts.

My wife has never wanted me. Even when she has libido, it's always me initiating. My friend actually wanted me. She pursued me. To have her pull back now, makes me feel so undesirable.

I know that society making such a big deal of sex and cheating has stopped her. I don't fault her that. I know My wife loves me, she just doesn't care about sex.

I know all this, but I still feel like absolute crap. Two amazing women. Two incredibly hot women. One who loves me, and wants to spend her life with me. One who thinks I'm sexy, and would happily shag my brains out were I unmarried. Neither willing to do anything sexual with me.

Logically, I know better. emotionally, I'm wondering what is so repulsive about me.

[Treesarepretty]

@Conchobar, you must be an amazing person to have two hot women desire you so much when they, presumably, could have married/been with other men. I think it would be good to focus on the fact that at least part of this is that they both judge you to be a good person. Your wife trusts you to seek just sex--and not love--outside the marriage because she knows that you are a good person who will not leave her. Your friend chose you to open up to, and eventually to help her with her sexual frustrations, because she knows you to be a good person who will put her feelings as a high priority. Your wife turned out to be right. Your friend also turned out to be right.

 

Maybe, when you start beating yourself up, you should verbally tell yourself the arguements that the people in this thread have given you for why you are a good person and are NOT the cause of your wife's unhappiness or your friend's mental state. I find that telling myself, out loud, why I am an okay person helps me to stop beating myself up when I start feeling guilty over things I shouldn't. 

 

Good luck. 

[Conchobar]

Update: My friend now feels to awkward to remain friends. 

I'm hurt and angry.

SHE CAME ON TO ME!! And now that has made her feel to awkward for us to continue being friends? Feeling awkward and stopping the sexual contact is one thing, but cutting the friendship entirely?

I want to scream. I want to swear. I want to break things.

I'm done. My wife doesn't give a flying fuck. Not just the sex, but in budget, planning, etc. she just does it and doesn't bother asking for my input or opinion. My kids drive me insane. My business is a failure. 

The one place I was actually feeling happy was going to LARP, (Live Action Role Play. dress up as an elf and hit people with foam swords) and now that's tainted because that's where the friend and I met. I'm worried if I see her there I'll just end up remembering how much fun we used to have before all this went down.

 

And then of course, there's the fact that having an amazing, funny, hot woman actually make moves on me reminded me of how it felt to actually be wanted. So I'm not even back to square 1, I'm at -10 or something.

 

What's the fucking point

[anamikanon]

I read the first three lines before your torment and thought that you didn't need two complicated women in your life. If she was conflicted and getting interested, then not, etc. Having her around would perhaps prevent you seeking someone else who suits you and you wouldn't be properly at peace and LAID with either, as you expressed above.

 

Then I read the rest of the post and I see that you are taking it hard. There is no easy answer to loneliness or difficult times. They usually pass though. You're at the worst point right now, so it is all going to seem hopeless. 

 

I don't know your wife at all, but given the way you have spoken about her, she doesn't seem to be malicious/evil. Merely asexual. She could still comfort you when you are hurting, even if it is not with sex. She does not need to understand sex to understand that you got refused important company that mattered to you and you are feeling lonely and dejected and are hurting.

 

Sometimes it is hard for us (sexuals) to also connect intimately with someone we don't have sex with, because well.... that is how intimacy computes to us. We sense it as a barrier or unrequitted relationship and in down times have a hard time relying on or trusting that bond. But I have found it useful to remember this is an illusion. What would be a barrier with another sexual, with an asexual is merely the nature of the relationship or something - I don't have to understand it to understand that the feeling that the relationship is .... guarded or limited, etc is an illusion. A false perception. It helps me rely on my ace when things are low for me, and so far he does make an attempt to catch me if I fall. It is hard when he doesn't understand sexual frustration, but we fumble through.

 

One thing I have never understood is asexuals who don't get sex as anything important to a relationship, but also get it as an intimate activity you can't share with someone else. I mean, what's the big deal then? Probably because I don't really understand jealousy properly to begin with.

[Telecaster68]

They're jealous and threatened because they know the role it has for us sexuals. 

[Philip027]

Quote

One thing I have never understood is asexuals who don't get sex as anything important to a relationship, but also get it as an intimate activity you can't share with someone else. I mean, what's the big deal then? Probably because I don't really understand jealousy properly to begin with.

Because even if it isn't a big deal to us, we still see sexual people forming, maintaining, and breaking relationships over it.  All too often, it isn't "just sex", even if that was truly the original intent.

 

I don't really understand jealousy either (or the importance of sex), but I've still seen enough of interpersonal relationships to be able to get this.

[anamikanon]

55 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Because even if it isn't a big deal to us, we still see sexual people forming, maintaining, and breaking relationships over it.  All too often, it isn't "just sex", even if that was truly the original intent.

Interesting. So you believe that your sexual having sex with someone else could result in a relationship that is more than sex (it usually is - very few people can do just transactional sex as a relationship - it means too much to us) and interpret it as a threat to your own relationship with them? But isn't their sexual frustration a bigger threat?

 

My ace is my world, but I was seriously considering kicking him out of my bedroom (currently ours, though he has his own room) because being with him 24/7 and feeling attracted constantly was shredding my nerves. In contrast, I wouldn't ever dream of breaking our relationship up if I got involved with another partner, because our relationship is far more than sex. That makes no sense. We have a shared life!

 

Just trying to understand here.

[Philip027]

Quote

Interesting. So you believe that your sexual having sex with someone else could result in a relationship that is more than sex (it usually is - very few people can do just transactional sex as a relationship - it means too much to us) and interpret it as a threat to your own relationship with them? But isn't their sexual frustration a bigger threat?

I guess it could be.  If I ever were in this sort of situation though, my attitude would be less "you can't have anyone else" and more "fine, go be with them instead if that's what you really want"

 

As such, I've never ended up developing any relationship with anyone for whom sex was that important.

[anamikanon]

1 minute ago, Philip027 said:

I guess it could be.  If I ever were in this sort of situation though, my attitude would be less "you can't have anyone else" and more "fine, go be with them instead if that's what you really want"

 

As such, I've never ended up developing any relationship with anyone for whom sex was that important.

Ah wait. This is a monogamy thing more than jealousy. Either/or. I imagine that can be hard. I think I understand better. If you believe in one on one relationships strictly and are aware that your partner wants sex that you can't offer, him seeking sex with another would sound like the end of the relationship.

 

Understood.

[anamikanon]

Sorry. I am poly and poly has come up as a suggestion here so many times, that monogamy did not occur to me.

[Philip027]

Yeah, it is more of a monogamy oriented thing.

 

Funny thing is, at least in my case, I consider myself polyamorous because my romantic feelings never really go away for people once they start.  But I still consider myself monogamous in practice, because despite that I still only would ever want to carry out a relationship with one person.

[anamikanon]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

I consider myself polyamorous because my romantic feelings never really go away for people once they start.

I don't think that is polyamory - at least in the way it is practiced. It is about actively being in and maintaining those loving relationshisp simultaneously. Not just feeling love for someone. Though technically, if you simply go by the meaning of the love, if you can feel love for more than one person, you're polyamorous. But then, going merely by the literal meaning, feeling any kind of love (parent, child, friend...) and not necessarily the kind you feel for a partner would qualify.

 

You could, however be poly in belief but choose monogamy in practice anyway. My partner has done that. I identify as poly, but till recently never tried to form another relationship at all.

[Philip027]

Quote

I don't think that is polyamory - at least in the way it is practiced. It is about actively being in and maintaining those loving relationshisp simultaneously. Not just feeling love for someone. Though technically, if you simply go by the meaning of the love, if you can feel love for more than one person, you're polyamorous.

I've learned to make a distinction between the two (polyamory and polygamy), because I always hear people talking about how they need to "get over" their past relationships before being able to begin new ones (or being able to "properly" begin new ones), or even that they are literally incapable of feeling romantic love toward anyone else while in a relationship with someone.  These things have never applied to me.  I don't even know what "getting over" someone means.

 

I've had to acknowledge sometimes that a relationship cannot be pursued (whether due to lack of reciprocation, or just other reasons) but that's never changed how I felt about the person, nor has the passage of time done anything to it.  (It helps that I've never really been tormented by these sorts of feelings, because it seems like a lot of other people can be.)  Yet despite recognizing these feelings, I still don't care to actually pursue multiple relationships.  Because of that, calling myself "polygamous" definitely feels inaccurate, but "monogamous" doesn't quite paint the full picture either.  Therefore, for me, I've used polyamory to refer to just the feelings for multiple people at once, whereas polygamy refers to the actual carrying out (or at least the inclination to do so) of multiple relationships.

 

It's kinda similar to when I first came here on AVEN and originally thought that asexuals were people totally out of tune with anything sexual and couldn't even experience libido and such.  After realizing that wasn't the case, "asexual" no longer felt like an adequate descriptor for what I am on its own.  I had to tack on nonlibidoist to my label before it became something I was more or less satisfied with and didn't feel like it would be misleading people.

 

Anyway, I digress.