Summer24 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Hello, I have been dating an ace person for two years now. At times its been frustrating and confusing for me, but mostly we have a great loving relationship. My partner is very kind and giving and is happy to 'lend a hand' whenever I am feeling in the mood. They enjoy making me feel good, but have no interest in me touching them in a sexual way. I have a really hard time just being a passive receiver of pleasure and physical contact. I would like to do something non sexual to my partner to make them feel good while they are making me feel good even. To the Ace folks out there, are there certain sensations that you enjoy that are non sexual (massages, playing with hair or something?). People dating Ace folks, what do you do in this situation? I know the best answer here is to talk to my partner, but mostly they just shrug when I ask. They are open to trying things, but not good at making suggestions. I was hoping it might help if i got some ideas from you all to run past them next time we talked instead of just asking for suggestions from them. Am I thinking about this all wrong? Any advice and suggestions appreciated. I just found this site and plan on reading everything I can in the next few days. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
TheCatBehind Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Hello, hello! There’s a number of things that you could do, including physical and non-physical actions. One thing you could try is Netflix and Chill haha Let your partner (hopefully) chose a movie or series, you prepare some hot drinks, get a blanket, snuggle up and just enjoy the vicinity of the bodies:D Massages might be pretty cool too, generally cuddling, hugging, light pecks (or a swarm of them) sounds like a pretty good idea. In general I think combining romance and laughter in a good way should work nicely! Generally do what you would do with a sexual partner, only avoid areas that could be misinterpreted as you wanting to go further. At first at least, later on you might venture there and your partner will know that you won’t automatically want sex. And when it comes to you making them feel good while they are making you feel good, just try to make your hands wonder wherever on their body you can, as an appreciative gesture. These are some ideas, but as you know everyone is different! You know them best of us, so I’m sure some of these ideas resonated with you more than others. Have fun around the forums~! Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Since I began to participate in this forum I have come to learn there are many sorts of asexuals. Some are actually repulsed by sexual contact and some merely indifferent to it. Others only like to just kiss and cuddle. Some avoid any sort of physical contact. Your partner might not want sexual contact but ask them how they feel about just cuddling together. I once knew a woman for over 20 years and sex was never a part of our relationship. I didn't care if she had boyfriends. I don't know if this would be right for you but one thing I've learned is that asexuality breaks down barriers of race, gender and age. I met an asexual for the first time about a month ago and it didn't matter what so ever that they were the opposite sex and probably just a third of my age. If your partner has asexual friends talking to them might help. Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 It varies! Some aces like to cuddle or kiss, others don't. Communication is key here, I know you say they don't really respond so my recommendation is try asking about specifics; "Hey do you like kissing or cuddling? I want you to feel good too." Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 1 hour ago, Summer24 said: Hello, I have been dating an ace person for two years now. At times its been frustrating and confusing for me, but mostly we have a great loving relationship. My partner is very kind and giving and is happy to 'lend a hand' whenever I am feeling in the mood. They enjoy making me feel good, but have no interest in me touching them in a sexual way. I have a really hard time just being a passive receiver of pleasure and physical contact. I would like to do something non sexual to my partner to make them feel good while they are making me feel good even. To the Ace folks out there, are there certain sensations that you enjoy that are non sexual (massages, playing with hair or something?). People dating Ace folks, what do you do in this situation? I know the best answer here is to talk to my partner, but mostly they just shrug when I ask. They are open to trying things, but not good at making suggestions. I was hoping it might help if i got some ideas from you all to run past them next time we talked instead of just asking for suggestions from them. Am I thinking about this all wrong? Any advice and suggestions appreciated. I just found this site and plan on reading everything I can in the next few days. Thank you all! Are you saying you want something non-sexual to do to make them feel good while they are providing you sexual pleasure? Cause, if so, it's possible they are one of the people who might not be into doing things during sexual acts. So, doing it during would ruin whatever it is you're trying to do. But, only way to know would be talking to them. However, kissing, cuddling, massages, hand holding etc can all be enjoyed by asexuals. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 You really need to ask them what they'd like, and phrase it so that they understand that iyou're not asking about physical (and definitely not sexual) things. Perhaps they're "shrugging" because they think you only mean physical stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Hello, Summer24. Our relationship situations seem really similar. I was reading the first part of your message like “Did I write that in my sleep?”) Well, back to your question. Since you know all the basic stuff about aces being different and the importance of communication, let’s cut to the chase. You might consider: 1. Lightly touching sensitive areas of skin (neck, inner part of the elbow and the wrist etc.) 2. Massaging their hands/feet. 3. Tickling their skin with your breath. What seems important for me is that you don’t expect the same reaction you would from a sexual person. You’ll have to find your own ways to find out whether or not your partner likes what you’re doing. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 22 hours ago, Summer24 said: Hello, I have been dating an ace person for two years now. At times its been frustrating and confusing for me, but mostly we have a great loving relationship. My partner is very kind and giving and is happy to 'lend a hand' whenever I am feeling in the mood. They enjoy making me feel good, but have no interest in me touching them in a sexual way. I have a really hard time just being a passive receiver of pleasure and physical contact. I would like to do something non sexual to my partner to make them feel good while they are making me feel good even. To the Ace folks out there, are there certain sensations that you enjoy that are non sexual (massages, playing with hair or something?). People dating Ace folks, what do you do in this situation? I know the best answer here is to talk to my partner, but mostly they just shrug when I ask. They are open to trying things, but not good at making suggestions. I was hoping it might help if i got some ideas from you all to run past them next time we talked instead of just asking for suggestions from them. Am I thinking about this all wrong? Any advice and suggestions appreciated. I just found this site and plan on reading everything I can in the next few days. Thank you all! You both might want to look up ASMR on youtube. Different folk like different things from the ASMR collections, some Asexual folk here have said they like at least some of this i am Demisexual and I like music, nature and romance Hope this is helpful!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 On 2/21/2018 at 6:00 PM, Summer24 said: People dating Ace folks, what do you do in this situation? First off, welcome to AVEN! =) If your partner likes being touched non-sexually, I agree with a lot of the advice that's already been given. Massages, cuddles, hugs, etc - just make it clear you don't expect/want it to progress. Do this often, so that they know you mean it, and they can trust that the contact isn't borne from a desire to go to the next level. If they don't like being touched, that's going to take some more creativity! =) Are there things you two can do together that they may enjoy? Treat them to a day at a brewery/distillery/winery, take them on hikes, attend a cooking class together, go to a museum, go to a musical - set aside dedicated time to do something that they like to do (even if you don't like to ). And then there are the little things you can do just to remind them that they're loved. Hot coffee ready to go on their way out the door, their favorite breakfast in bed, little love notes hidden in their lunchbox or their sock drawer or just generally around the house, verbal reminders that you love them and think they're pretty awesome. Try to figure out what their "love language" is (since it isn't sex), and see if you can speak that. =) It isn't always easy, but I feel more emotionally fulfilled and validated and appreciated in my relationship with my ace now than I have in any of my others - hopefully you can find the same comfort! Good luck. =) Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 The way to my partner's heart is through his stomach. He has a problem with high blood sugar AND has a sweet tooth apart from being an overall foodie. Me finding out and making low carb, no sugar things that he could enjoy always burrows straight into his heart. As does keeping snacks that are friendly with his diet available always. I do it because I'm a compulsive geek, so it was my instinctive response to finding out about his sugar levels. Turns out it gets me mega points in the romantic department too! I would never have imagined it - I'm food "indifferent" as long as it is well made. Other things is suggesting movie marathons after digging up a film he hasn't yet seen or better still a theme (subject, director, actor, whatever) and wade through several films. He also likes me sharing some information/thought/idea/article/book.... that I find that I think he will find interesting or useful or will plain enjoy. And I'm wicked enough to have occasional shares that have echoes of some of his fantasies that he has shared (they are less sexual and more "situational", but hey, a fantasy is a fantasy....) Cuddling works. Sharing a shower, soaping each other. Looking into each other's eyes and being at peace. Adding to something he enjoys. He enjoys us talking walks together in the evening. Any idea I bring up for doing something on the walk - buy something, stop for tea somewhere, meet someone, check out something.... is all gold. Giving him a highly informative book on a subject he takes interest in. He likes me and my interest in growing plants, so.... making him a quiet area in which to work next to a big window and with some nice plants around. Creating quirky nick names "wraparound boyfriend" because he's such a fantastic cuddler.... that recognize what I find special about him without making it too sentimental. Even if he doesn't feel arousal, he can feel a sudden rush of closeness/intimacy/fondness/shared laughter/whatever that is very fulfilling for him and is definitely about us. So I do stuff guaranteed to "ambush" him with what he feels for me He is occasionally sexual, so if I come across an idea that I think he won't mind or would even enjoy, I describe it to him in a guaranteed non-sexual setting (so no expectation anything will happen). If he seems to find it interesting, I then tell him he can ask me to do that once - whenever he wishes. If he wishes. The nature of the action is usually of the sort of a mental-sexual treat. Blow job, sex in the shower or in the wilderness (things we likely will never get around to, but he finds the mental visual romantic) - rather than sex explicitly - more about the situation than an expectation of the sexual act - even if/when we do it. For example, if we ever get horny in the shower together, he's more likely to not want more than rubbing bodies against each other as opposed to the sex "fantasy". He doesn't mind these sort of conversations at all. Most of the ideas go from that conversation to oblivion, but... Sometimes if I nail an idea, the next time he is vaguely horny or wants to feel close to me, he'll grab it to get himself in the mood WIN! The key with this one, though is to tell him the idea without it necessarily applying to us. Zero expectation. I just share something because it sounds like he may enjoy hearing about it. Sometimes hearing is all that he'll enjoy about it and it will not translate to action. Whether it translates to action is COMPLETELY left to him. And I have to be 100% sure that I'm willing to act on it if he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Also, sometimes, a gift of space can be a good gift. One of the things I'm planning to do is to get him one ticket to a play. He loves theatre and he also loves to go and watch on his own, something he hasn't done a lot of since we started living together. So, I'm keeping an eye out for a good show I can ambush him with that I feel certain he will want to see (since I can't exactly ask him beforehand to surprise him) and then, when I spot it, I'll make sure when he is free, and get him a ticket to go watch it on his own. It isn't half as altruistic as it sounds. I don't enjoy going out to crowded places much. He does. When I'm with him, he's usually very focused on not doing too much to stress me out, so he isn't being himself as freely. Left to himself, he'd have a hyper busy schedule and do everything in sight and catch stuff before and after and on the way. AND when he gets home, he enjoys telling me about an interesting play he watched, and I love listening to him much more than I enjoy going out in crowded places Link to post Share on other sites
soda59 Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I've only done some sexual stuff to see what it was about and I was SHOCKED at how much I liked having my neck played with- kissing, running fingers. Everything else I hated!!! Even lip kissing!!! Everyone is so different that I 'm not sure how helpful we can be. Link to post Share on other sites
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