jmg1008 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Hi, I am just looking for a bit of advice/information. Recently my partner opened up to me and told me she was asexual (I am sexual), it was a bit of a shock, however after getting some research done and advice from people on here, both asexual and sexual, we have spoken lots and decided to really give it a go as we both love each other so deeply. I now know her boundaries and a physical sexual relationship is not something we will be pursuing and I have to respect that. She is not interested in a sexual relationship at all but she has just told me she is going to watch the latest 50 Shades of Gray. What I cannot work out is, WHY? If she has no sexual feelings at all (as she tells me), why would she want to watch a film about sex and BDSM. Could someone please advise from both sides if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Maybe she's trying to see if it sparks any interest in her? Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 It's also a film about romance. Link to post Share on other sites
jmg1008 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 6 minutes ago, .Lia said: It's also a film about romance. I've never seen the films or read the books. However I've just checked out what they are about ( I sort of had an idea), they are a set of soft erotic BDSM between 2 sexual people who develop into a relationship. After being told by my partner she has no interest or feelings about sex, why would there be an interest in 50 Shades of Grey? Link to post Share on other sites
Yatagarasu Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Some asexuals even watch porn, just for the sake of the act, but they don't get any sexual feelings towards people in it. Maybe it's something akin to that? Or it's just her curiosity. Link to post Share on other sites
NerotheReaper Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 It could be out of curiosity, or she might enjoy books/movies/tv with sex but doesn't want to partake in the same actions. Plus from what I heard the films aren't that sex intense. The books on the other hand are. Link to post Share on other sites
givememyname Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 And some asexuals also watch porn to masturbate ... This has nothing to do with being asexuals. Just because you don't feel sexually attracted to anyone doesn't mean you're not interested in sex/romance Link to post Share on other sites
fiѕh Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I like to watch things about serial killers >:) jokes aside, I get the confusion but I don't think what kind of movies you like to watch really says anything. plus, what the movie really is like is just cheesy. Link to post Share on other sites
jmg1008 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 2 minutes ago, fiѕh said: I like to watch things about serial killers >:) jokes aside, I get the confusion but I don't think what kind of movies you like to watch really says anything. plus, what the movie really is like is just cheesy. It's more about the topic of the film that confuses me. She has made it quite clear to me she has no sexual feelings or interest including masturbating, which I was dealing with. I just don't get why, if that's how she feels she would watch a soft erotic film which is clearly about BDSM and sex. I apologise if I sound ignorant but I have not got my head around her being asexual. 59 minutes ago, NerotheReaper said: It could be out of curiosity, or she might enjoy books/movies/tv with sex but doesn't want to partake in the same actions. Plus from what I heard the films aren't that sex intense. The books on the other hand are. 59 minutes ago, NerotheReaper said: It could be out of curiosity, or she might enjoy books/movies/tv with sex but doesn't want to partake in the same actions. Plus from what I heard the films aren't that sex intense. The books on the other hand are. 1 hour ago, .Lia said: It's also a film about romance. I've never seen the films or read the books. However I've just checked out what they are about ( I sort of had an idea), they are a set of soft erotic BDSM between 2 sexual people who develop into a relationship. After being told by my partner she has no interest or feelings about sex, why would there be an interest in 50 Shades of Grey? Link to post Share on other sites
fiѕh Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 1 minute ago, jmg1008 said: I just don't get why, if that's how she feels she would watch a soft erotic film which is clearly about BDSM and sex. there's movies about all sorts of things and you usually wouldn't assume people watch it because they are interested in doing any of what's shown themselves, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Epitaph Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Best example I can think of. I'm not a fan of the zombie genre and I tend to stray away from horror in general. But I love The Walking Dead. I ain't in it for the gore or the zombies, I'm into it for the characters, to see how they grow and change, if they're going to make it out okay. For some people, 50 shades is about sex and BDSM. For others, it's about the psychology and interaction between the two charcters. And for others, it's dumpster fire material. We all have different reasons why we pursue things, and this is no different for movies. Beyond that, I've a few other possible explanations. The thing to remember is that sexuality isn't set in stone. It has a degree of flexibility to it that allows it to bend under the right circumstances. Take prison for instance. A harsh example, but a real one. Some of the guys going into prison aren't homosexual, but when some of them come out, they can be, due to being constrained in an environment that totally removes the option of sexual interaction with women. It's a theory of mine that some asexuals are no different due to environmental circumstance, but when exposed to the proper conditions, thier sexuality can emerge. Maybe your pal is growing more comfortable with the idea of being closer to you. Maybe she's doing research. Or maybe she's watching the film just because. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things together. My advice is not to make a fuss over it or worry. Just see what comes of it, if anything at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jmg1008 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Many thanks for that explanation. Being a sexual man, I'm finding all of this confusing but trying to understand her. By the way I'm also in to the Walking Dead for the same reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 14 minutes ago, jmg1008 said: Many thanks for that explanation. Being a sexual man, I'm finding all of this confusing but trying to understand her. By the way I'm also in to the Walking Dead for the same reason. It’s okay. You’re really sweet going out of your way to understand her like this. The most important thing to remember is that she loves you. With all her heart. Undoubtably. Her coming out to you as asexual just shows how much she trusts you. She loves you with all her heart, and has done her best to make you happy despite the fact that she doesn’t feel sexual attraction - not just to you but ton anyone ever - and she wants you to know what’s going on. The movie could very well be her attempt to understand allosexuality (regular sexuality) and an attempt to spark something so that she can provide what she knows you want from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I love horror movies but would I really like to spend a weekend running from an axe-wielding psychopath? No thank you. Movies/books/etc. are just fantasy, and part of their appeal IS being able to imagine yourself in situations that you can't/wouldn't do in real life. Also, the 50 Shades movies aren't really all that erotic from what I've seen. They're much more focused on the (terrifyingly unhealthy) romantic relationship than the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 3 hours ago, jmg1008 said: Hi, I am just looking for a bit of advice/information. Recently my partner opened up to me and told me she was asexual (I am sexual), it was a bit of a shock, however after getting some research done and advice from people on here, both asexual and sexual, we have spoken lots and decided to really give it a go as we both love each other so deeply. I now know her boundaries and a physical sexual relationship is not something we will be pursuing and I have to respect that. She is not interested in a sexual relationship at all but she has just told me she is going to watch the latest 50 Shades of Gray. What I cannot work out is, WHY? If she has no sexual feelings at all (as she tells me), why would she want to watch a film about sex and BDSM. Could someone please advise from both sides if possible. The only thing I can say is that I have watched gladiator, braveheart and 300. I have no interest in chopping people up though. You need to have a serious discussion with your partner ASAP. She may not want sex in her life and that is perfectly fine. But are you fine with that? Probably not. So it’s probably compromise time or moving on in my opinion. The only thing I would be careful with though is if you choose to compromise, she may genuinely believe she can do it. In 10 years time when you are married, 2 children and finances are intertwined she may no longer be able to compromise. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 8 hours ago, James121 said: I have watched gladiator, braveheart and 300. I have no interest in chopping people up though. I dunno... I've seen your debating style... Link to post Share on other sites
Yatagarasu Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 To add my another 50 cents... I translate lyrics that often harbor erotic grotesque motifs despite being very sex averse. It's not because I'm into that kind of stuff, but rather because the lyrics have unique structure I enjoy deciphering. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 50 shades the movie, the first one, has 15 minutes of sex scenes out of two hours of movie. That's an hour and 45 minutes of romantic plot without sex. I read the first book out of morbid curiosity about what everyone was talking about, cause a bunch of women I knew kept talking about it and I wanted to be able to know what the conversation was about. It was ... honestly awful. I don't get how anyone could see it as erotic. Like, Harlequinn written by a 13 year old... with a nice toxic dose of incorrect BDSM thrown in just to spice it up. But, somehow, a lot of people find it to be a very romantic story. Woman meets billionaire, billionaire chooses her but is broken, woman's love fixes billionaire, woman gets kidnapped and billionaire goes off to rescue her, they live happily ever after. Run credits. Link to post Share on other sites
jmg1008 Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 Thankyou Serran Link to post Share on other sites
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