Looking for advice:"coming out" the sex talk and so much more. Help lol

[Lizbeth Mav]

Hey there, 

So im pretty new to this i learned about and now identify as an asexual for almost a year now and I just had some question and im really kind of nervous, so im only 15 does age really matter in this? I feel like people are going to tell me im to young to know or something or cuz i never had sex i dont know but idk im 100% certain that i dont want to do it at all ever with anyone. What response should i give to the youre to young thing? Also i havent told anyone is that a thing am i supposed to come out as ace? And i never really had the 'sex talk' with my parents yet lucky me but i do know what it is and i dont want to go through that so if i tell my parents im ace is there some other reason they would have to tell me about sex still? I feel like im really confusing right now sorry any advice is much appreciated 

[SeriouslyConfused]

Welcome! First of all, to get something clear, there's never a thing as too young to know. For myself I'm a homoromantic asexual. I've always known the first part but never wanted to accept it given being in a religious home. The second portion took many years to figure out, I just figured it recently and I'm just a few days shy of 21. I didn't come out as gay officially until September 2017, technically speaking my parents knew in 2015 but thought it was a phase. And like I said I'm just coming to terms on asexuality as of the past couple weeks.

 

You don't need to have sex to determine these kinds of things. Perhaps it helps you figure them out, but it isn't a requirement. As for the age thing you'll likely hear it, but don't let discourage you from being who you are. And as for coming out? You do that however you see fit, to whomever you see fit, and you don't even have to if you don't want to! That's the beauty of it all, it's all up to you and how you're comfortable! For the sex talk, I mean it may or may not still happen, that's up to them. They may still inform you just so you're aware of it because they still care and want you informed.

[Lizbeth Mav]

Thanks so much for the welcome im liking it here a lot

For coming out i feel the need to tell my friends but i feel like they would brush it off like "oh ok" as if its not a big deal im just kinda scared theyll think of me differently

[James121]

Personally I believe that there may well be such a thing as too young to determine who you are categorically.

For example, if a 6 year old came out as asexual because they don’t fancy anyone or want to have sex, most people would probably smile.

Im not saying you aren’t asexual or that you are immature or anything negative but 15 is very young and your lack of interest in sex doesn’t mean a huge amount to me. You may just be later in developing that type of desire compared to your friends etc.

Hopefully, however it turns out over the next 5 years or so your parents will support you whatever.

[Puck]

Age can matter. Males on average start experiencing sexual attraction at age 13, while females on average experience it at 17. It's a range though, so one girl may feel it at 14 while another doesn't feel it until 21. But point is, you aren't even at the average age yet, so you could one day find that you experience sexual attraction, or you may never experience it.

 

However, if you identify as ace now in this moment, there is no reason for you not to continue doing so. It's ok to pick a label that works, then adjust it if you start feeling differently later. I had a friend who identified as a lesbian then one day felt attracted to a man and so she now considers herself bisexual. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you identifying as ace today and straight/bi/homo/whatever tomorrow.

 

As for coming out, that is COMPLETELY personal. You never have to come out, it's all about what is best for you. You don't ever have to tell your parents if you don't want to. All you have to do is express to any future partner you have your interest level in sex. You don't have to say you are asexual, but you do have to say you don't ever want to have sex (it's best to do this by the third date). If you don't, there might be a lot of pain and emotional strife in your relationship at some point. The right person will love you for who you are, so find someone who is ok with not having sex or is ok with a compromise you are ok with.

 

As for the sex talk, my parents never had it with me and their parents never had it with them. Not all parents do it for a variety of reasons. Personally, I think that is sad and unsupportive. Besides, any sex talk should include "It's ok to identify as whatever feels true to you and it's ok to want sex as well as not want sex. You should only have sex when you want to with someone you want to be with." But we as a society aren't there yet.... Any who, point is, don't stress about the sex talk. Honestly, if I had told my parents I was ace at 15 and they were so inclined to give me the talk, they still would give it to me. As I said before, the sex talk should explain setting personal boundaries not just the mechanics of the act, so it's frankly applicable to aces because everyone needs boundaries. But I don't know your parents/your unique situation, so, well, I hope what I said is helpful in some way!

 

Good luck, take a breath, you are perfect and valid as you are

[Gldlynch]

Hey Lizbeth!

 

I'm glad to hear that you are on the road to discovering yourself (:

 

Personally I don't think people can ever be "too young" to know their sexual preferences. Whether we openly admit it to ourselves or not, we at least subconsciously are aware of who we feel an attraction towards and no attraction towards. Sometimes asexuality can feel a bit tricky because you think, how am I supposed to know what sexual attraction is when I don't even know what it is!? This often drags the stress of over-thinking into reality and the whole thing becomes a big bloody mess.

 

Anyway, I am 23 and haven't spoken about my asexuality to my parents at all. It's a bit of a complex one to explain because usually it leads to having to present the differences between romantic and sexual attraction (etc.). However don't let my decision influence your's too much (: If you are totally open to expressing your asexuality then by all means go for it! Just be aware that sexuality can be fluid. So whilst you may identify as an asexual right now, one day a person might come along and make you realise that you are grey-ace or demisexual! Just leave space to move around if this does happen to you (:

 

Best of luck!

[everywhere and nowhere]

12 hours ago, James121 said:

For example, if a 6 year old came out as asexual because they don’t fancy anyone or want to have sex, most people would probably smile.

While at the age of six I didn't yet know what sex exactly is, I was already declaring that I won't have children and won't get married when I grow up. I never changed my mind.

[James121]

3 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

While at the age of six I didn't yet know what sex exactly is, I was already declaring that I won't have children and won't get married when I grow up. I never changed my mind.

Fair enough but that’s very young to have made such a decision wouldn’t you agree? It’s turned out to be true but doesn’t mean that at 6 years you were genuinely making such responsible decisions. Surely?

[uhtred]

I don't think there is ever a *need* to come out as asexual.  You can if you want and it makes you comfortable to do so, but there is also nothing wrong with simply not getting into sexual relationships.  The only person you ever need to tell is a partner if you are getting into a romantic relationship and you think that they are interested in a sexual one. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

I personally prefer to be out. I don't want people to assume that I'm "like everyone else", I prefer showing that different possibilities do exist.

 

Edit: I'll just add what I wrote in another topic (I was writing about the disparity between women's and men's outfits in sports):

Quote

This whole horrible knot is why I feel an inner obligation to be out as ace. All this situation, this traffic in women's bodies, this compulsory sexuality disgusts me so much that I couldn't live without making it clear that I don't and won't participate in it.

 

Edited February 23, 2018 by Nowhere Girl

[Kyōma32]

If I were you, I would test the water a little before coming out. Mention the topic or something just to see if they might take it badly. 

I didn't test the water and it backfired. Not super badly, but worse than I had hoped.