SpaceAes Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 I am Gray and I came to terms with it around a year ago. I always had suspicions that I was Ace or on the spectrum. I just thought everyone around me was super horny or playing it up. But I met this great guy and I told him before but I don't think he got it. He is a very sexual person and we fool around sometimes. But I just feel like I'm sitting there, it's kind of a turn off. We talk about how one day we will have sex and I play along with how excited I am. But I'm not. But once in a blue moon I am totally for it, super ready for sex. I want to tell him that but I already made it sound like I'm ready all the time. I'm just afraid he'll think I don't like him or I'm lying. How do I go about this? Has anyone else had a successful relationship with an allo partner? Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 IDK what you should do but. I only know my experience. I don't know if you'll be the same but maybe you can learn something from it I guess... . I overstated my sexuality out of embarrassment and shame. consistently, like you said, acting excited even tho I wasn't, passionate even tho I wasn't. and I ended up very sexually active with her.. and it was damaging for me in the whole of it ... sometimes I was OKAY and honestly, if I was honest with her about when I was and when I was not okay... I think things would've been better for me. And, I think things would've better more... promising for her... we ended up having to be long-distance and fought over the phone... if I was willing to express myself while we were in person. maybe the phone would've been a better experience.. maybe we'd still be a thing... (oops, not good to bring up these memories this late, self!) Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 47 minutes ago, SpaceAes said: Has anyone else had a successful relationship with an allo partner? I have. Sex was never an issue for either of us. She just appreciated the fact I was her friend. She's dead now and I'm trying to find companionship again. Is honesty the best policy? Moralistically it is. Is the world moral though? Frankly I've been in several situations when total honesty might not have been the best approach. However it's never been wise to pretend to be something you are not. Does your friend know about asexuality? Then again, do you think your friend even believes there is such a thing? I really think you ought to discuss how you really feel. If he is a real friend he ought to try and understand you. Of course he may want t be your lover. However, I've always thought one can't be lovers unless they are friends first. Build on this. I hope it works. Link to post Share on other sites
SpaceAes Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 1 hour ago, Yeast said: Does your friend know about asexuality? I have told him when were just having a casual conversation. He told me he was bi so I said I was Gray. He didn't say anything about it or asked any questions so I'm not completely sure if he's avoiding or just doesn't care that I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 For me, if its a deal breaker for them I'd rather know and not get too attached. I saw the ex get more and more frustrated as time went on and wouldn't want to go through it again. - Kinda similar as I made out I was interested (at the time I thought I must be...) Link to post Share on other sites
MissMidnight Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 For me, I was always up front before I got involved, I'd either tell them the truth or say i had a very low sex drive... it really depended on what type of person they were. Most seemed to not really believe me and took it as a personal challenge to change the fact, it never worked and the relationships would end or they would cheat and well i would move on, in saying this i also had bad judgement with the guys i dated and i was younger then. My current relationship is now over 2 years and he does his best to understand. He doesnt exactly understand but he also doesnt push. He will occasionally ask for hand with needs or ask if we could have sex soon which isn't frequent and he leaves the ball in my court. Sometimes if were arguing he may bring up how he seems to be meeting his side of the relationship but im lacking on mine and that stings a bit but i do understand. How I handle it and look at it personally is we both make compromises for eachother because we love eachother. If occasinally I do something that doesnt hurt me and just does nothing for me than its a small price to have him, but thats me. Also in saying that we do have boundaries of things i will not do and his fine with that. Basically im saying maybe try communicating and being honest and your partner may surprise you and if they dont then maybe they arent right for you, but either way it is your choice and hopefully this has helped even a little. Link to post Share on other sites
SpaceAes Posted February 23, 2018 Author Share Posted February 23, 2018 On 2/22/2018 at 2:40 AM, MissMidnight said: For me, I was always up front before I got involved, I'd either tell them the truth or say i had a very low sex drive... it really depended on what type of person they were. Most seemed to not really believe me and took it as a personal challenge to change the fact, it never worked and the relationships would end or they would cheat and well i would move on, in saying this i also had bad judgement with the guys i dated and i was younger then. My current relationship is now over 2 years and he does his best to understand. He doesnt exactly understand but he also doesnt push. He will occasionally ask for hand with needs or ask if we could have sex soon which isn't frequent and he leaves the ball in my court. Sometimes if were arguing he may bring up how he seems to be meeting his side of the relationship but im lacking on mine and that stings a bit but i do understand. How I handle it and look at it personally is we both make compromises for eachother because we love eachother. If occasinally I do something that doesnt hurt me and just does nothing for me than its a small price to have him, but thats me. Also in saying that we do have boundaries of things i will not do and his fine with that. Basically im saying maybe try communicating and being honest and your partner may surprise you and if they dont then maybe they arent right for you, but either way it is your choice and hopefully this has helped even a little. That is the same situation I'm in. I'll try talking to him today. Link to post Share on other sites
MissMidnight Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I hope it goes well and you two can work it out or find the compromise good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.