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Dating for Demis: A beginners guide and/or support group.


bluedragonwings

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bluedragonwings

Ok. So trying to get a discussion going and examples of personal  experiences. Because I have a really REALLY hard time figuring out how to "date" as a demiromantic.

 

So I am a demiromantic, I also LOVE the idea of being in a relationship. However, the steps from finding a stranger -to- romantic relationship are problematic.

 

I went on a blind-datey/thing on Sunday (we had at least texted a bunch for the last 2 weeks). It was.... very awkward. I mean I know all blind dates are. But I had such an ambivalent reaction to the experience. Like it was really nice to go on a date and spend time next to someone (it was a movie), but the whole time it felt really wrong and my anxiety was high. I had a mini melt down in my car driving away. The whole REALLY wanting "A" relationship, but not feeling it or even knowing how to go about finding one.

 

So, what are other demi's experience with dating. How do you go about meeting people? Do blind dates or dating sites EVER work? How do you explain to people that there might never be any romantic feelings but lets keep trying to hang out and be friends? How far out of your normal friend criteria are you willing to try?

 

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I have yet to be in the dating scene. I have wanted to on occasion, but half-hearted tried and gave up. I had a few messages (online dating was my method) but I had a hard time really clicking with anyone - even tho usually we had some things in common.. IDK it was confusing for me, I don't know what to say about it, other than I let myself down. 

 

 

uh.. I've had four crushes. or five? ugh, I lost count. w/e. But the first majaority, I didn't feel until after the person was in my past, that the memory of them and missing them was enough to develop romantic feelings for. But the last one - was a friend... and I fell for her during the friendship... and I fell for her only after a month.. it was confusing, but we were chatting a lot really. so I guess it kind of makes sense. I told her after two months the way I felt. she accepted my feelings and was flattered, but she was into men, not women. For me, it was really hard to be friends with her after that. Again I don't really know what to think! but it hurt and I couldn't really interact with her. It was scary to deal with emotions for a person as-I-know them for the first time. 

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ThePanTranMan

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably demiromantic. All of my crushes I look back on (not that many), I was friends with the person for a while before any romantic feelings came along. I don't think I could do blind dates or dating someone after seeing them just once or twice, I don't really understand how people do that. I really do like the idea of being in a romantic relationship though, but I have to have a strong connection first. Right now I'm in a confusing place where I might have feelings for my best friend, and they feel the same, but they've also said they are most likely aromantic. So I'm not sure if we have something like a QPR going on right now, or if they just feel a strong emotional bond but nothing romantic? Idk, romance and dating is confusing.             

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Conventional dating has never really appealed to me, personally. It takes time for me to feel close with someone, and I don't think a few dates would be enough for that. My preference is to befriend people naturally and allow things to develop organically from there. The advantage of this approach is that I have the opportunity to talk to the other person and determine compatibility without the pressure of dating. I find that this makes the process of initiating a more intimate relationship less stressful because I can build upon previous conversations instead of having to explain everything from scratch. For example, instead of having to "come out" as polyamorous right from the get-go, I can say, "remember how I talked about being poly before? Are you okay with that?" and I already have an idea of how the person will react because we've talked about it before.

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bluedragonwings
8 hours ago, ThePanTranMan said:

I don't think I could do blind dates or dating someone after seeing them just once or twice, I don't really understand how people do that. I really do like the idea of being in a romantic relationship though, but I have to have a strong connection first.

.....

So I'm not sure if we have something like a QPR going on right now, or if they just feel a strong emotional bond but nothing romantic?

...

Idk, romance and dating is confusing.             

Yeah, it was very weird and awkward to be on a date with someone I don't know (but it could also just be my general social anxiety). I have been in a point where I am not meeting new people much in general, and everyone I know is settled down getting married having kids the whole thing. So I need to try and make new friends and meet people, but it get harder the older I get. And thats just friends, never mind dating.

 

5 hours ago, Law of Circles said:

My preference is to befriend people naturally and allow things to develop organically from there. The advantage of this approach is that I have the opportunity to talk to the other person and determine compatibility without the pressure of dating. 

I kind of run into the same problem with this approach. It is certainly more natural and feels right when it happens this way. But meeting people is problematic.  There needs to be a dating site, but for specifically finding new friends. Although even that seems weird. Even when people "say" they are looking for new friendships it seems they want to really find romance immediately anyway. And honestly I think thats a big part of my problem internally too. I WANT romance, but I just don't work that way. So now I end up in this weird state of looking for friends but also hoping for a relationship, but that just makes the looking for friends more difficult in general. 

 

...

 

I guess I know what will be a topic for therapy this week.

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The best relationship I've ever had started purely as a friendship started at work. Because he had his own reasons for wanting to move slowly, it worked out well for both of us. My last experience on Tinder was frustrating because one guy I started messaging seemed interesting at first and someone I might want to get to know, but he messaged me 24/7, non-stop, and would send continuous messages whenever I was away from my phone. I felt smothered without ever meeting him in person. I really want something natural to happen again and I've started to accept I might have to wait awhile, or that it may never happen. I'm doing my best being social and friendly and getting into situations where I might meet new people, which is stressful because I've struggled with social anxiety in the past, but with practice, it gets easier. 

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I've only fallen for friends. which doesn't really inherently seem weird but.. well, I fall for them way too late for what is "normal" for such things. I've had friends who fall for me and, I didn't feel the same back. it hurt for them, and they had to part ways. and 3/4 of the people I fell for... were friends who had long since parted ways :unsure: 

 

 

I wanna be out meeting people but honest... I don't know if I want to look for a partner or some friends. and the prospect of either, let alone both, are both pretty daunting. I've just had too many times in the past where romantic tension was too difficult for me or my friend to deal with. 

 

every once in a while I try making a friend over the net but.. .that alone is stressful. I think in a different way.

 

I dunno how much any of this has to do with my being demiromantic tho :unsure: I too also have general social anxiety. so like... idk. 

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bluedragonwings

Well general social anxiety certainly does not help live life as a demiromantic.

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:unsure: lol now I am thinking of going back onto OKC and trying that again. 

 

"self, let's focus on the things you need to get done first, okay?" 

 

I know it'd only be lonely and dis-associative anyway. 

 

 

And, you are right... general anxiety sure do get in the way of just about everything! 

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one thing I've been thinking about has been... if I am demi. I don't have any way to rely on feeling romantic for a person! but, being in a romantic relationship is something I should want to have in my life... 

 

so I am tempted that, if romance seems to become available.. someone interested in me... I would want to give it a try even without romance on my side of it. 

 

but sometimes that feels inauthentic, or even selfish. it's important for the partner to feel loved by me, but I just won't have that kind of love that will be missing for them. I will naturally of course love them but... it won't be romantic. 

 

but then, I don't even know what I would behave if I felt romance for someone. would I suddenly enjoy dates and romantic kisses? what else would I do - would anything change? 

 

and... I also know that there are people who bond without romance and form partnerships anyway, and having that is definitely something I could do, would do, and would enjoy being a part of. 

 

:unsure:

 

but of course, finding such a bond when I lack romantic draw... just seems arbitrary and silly! 

 

 

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bluedragonwings

Trying to be in a romantic relationship when you don’t feel it is not fun. Anxious and guilty and stress inducing. For me anyway. 

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banana monkey

I cant really imagine how "normal" dating would work as a demiromantic. I think I am likely demiromantic (I only have one relationship/feelings to go on so thats not much and I am unsure if it was romantic or QP). As it seems I need an emotional connection I would think that I would have to be friends first ( and very good friends) before I got to the point before I wanted to date a person. My ex and I were friends for several years before any feelings were there at all to the point I turned him down once because I had no feelings for him and then asked him out about 2 - 3 years later when the feelings materialised. 

 

Therefore, I would assume for me the best way to try and find a relationship is to make lots of friends, but I have extreme trouble doing that and I dont think I would want a large amount of friends. I suffer from social issues and reasonably frequent periods of anxiety meaning I have problems making good friendships, (but a few more friends would be nice!)

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I off-and-on follow a comic called "go get a roomie" and for a long time the two main characters, one was clearly aro and the other clearly ace. They were befriending each other. 

 

but randomly the comic turned to be, the aro suddenly became romantically in love with the ace. and this pissed me off - idk why really... :unsure: as a demiromantic myself I should've appreciated seeing that happen! But I guess part of it is that before it was a good chance to show the differences in energy between romantic drive and sexual drive. But now that opportunity is lost. 

 

I also am thinking... I don't really know how exactly demiromanticism actually works for me. most of the crushes I've had, I didn't feel until I realized I felt romantic for my ex, and so looked to my past at the friends I felt close to to see if I felt differently for some, and found three. 

 

I have fallen for one friend since then, who IDK if I'm friends with her anymore... she hasn't responded to me at all which makes me think she don't wanna. But when we do chat she's all "omg we're best friends" and really energetic about me and telling me she misses me and thinks of me. it's too stressful navigating that. But I fell for her but she ain't gay so it won't work so we're just friends but that's confusing for me and I honestly - I don't even know. I sort of suspected I was falling for her for about a month before I knew, and when I expressed it to her suddenly I felt it too much. It was not something I was happy about but it was a great feeling at the same time. IDK! I felt so confused I guess I even felt betrayed by myself. 

 

I don't know what it would be like to seriously be committed to the dating scene for me. I have tried in the past but, I was too hesitant to pull through with it, had a few opportunities to befriend and perhaps we might get to a point to meet up with a few people - but I pulled out pretty quick, too overwhelmed with uncertainty. 

 

Ultimately I know that, If I want to be partnered up someday necessarily, that I must be making regular efforts of exploring dating. It doesn't have to mean I need to date seriously nor be sexually active; but that I need to have experience with the tensions around dating if I want to predict I will be partnered someday. 

 

For along time, I was not committed to that thought - I was OKAY with being single my whole life. But IDK right now. I am also friendless so I can't tell if I am just lonely for friendship, and that brings up the idea of coupling someday, or if I am both lonely for friendship but also lonely for coupling. 

 

And... I am uncertain about if my greysexual nature can turn allosexual with romance and proper trust and time to bloom. If it does, then wouldn't that make me allosexual? IDK! if my attraction is sexual at first. and I have romantic attraction that can bloom from friendship, irrelevant of my sexual attraction. but my romantic feelings meshed with my sexual feelings to make me effectively normal in the right relationship.. then I'm not grey or demi at all! right? It don't really matter tho right? ugh. 

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Yep, can't do conventional dating either. Firstly I don't get how people even decide whether they are interested in another person. Like sure, there are profile texts and so on, but in my brief experience with dating sites, people that are on dating sites are mostly sexuals themselves, or they are just, for the lack of a better word for it right now, "too normal", to be someone I think I could even remotely click with. People tend to just have the same generic profile texts and interests, and well, I am not interested in any of that. That by itself tends to communicate all I need know about them, including that they are likely sexuals (you can tell by the kind of profile photo they have, among other things). Ever noticed that people that don't place emphasis on sexual attraction first also don't tend to express that in their photo and profile text? What people write says a lot about them, and not so much in terms of what they write they are looking for or who they are, insofar that how they phrase it signals that they are looking for someone who shares their specific outlook. 

 

And then of course there's the clicking part, that just because you share maybe one or two interests you may not necessarily click with that person. 

 

Talking to some sexuals I know, they mostly seem to base dating based on who they think they look good and they decide to want to get to know that person based on that primary attraction which is so utterly foreign to me. Looks do communicate something about people, but it above all else communicates something about their personality and interests and values more so than it does something in terms of whether I think they are sexually attractive or not. 

 

I'm for example far more likely to be drawn to someone who clearly dresses in an alternative way because it communicates they are into an alternative lifestyle or in the very least have interests related to an alternative lifestyle and care to signal that to other people and what it says about them and who they are. But of course, just being into an alternative lifestyle isn't sufficient for me to click with someone as there are tons of people out there into alternative lifestyles and I don't click with them just because we do share that interest.

 

So it's very difficult, to be honest. Like others noted, all my past relationships started out as friendships, though I've always thought demisexual was sufficient over demiromantic, but I in the very least prefer it that way. I want to know the person first and get a feel for who they are before I rush into a relationship with them. Though if I click very strongly with someone from the very beginning I will of course be interested in a sexual relationship much faster than I would with someone I don't click with, and I've definitely experienced relationships where we developed a sexual contact very quickly because we just clicked so hard. Those people are obviously rare and far between, though. 

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Ms. Carolynne

Now that I'm getting a handle on my orientation, and really figuring out this part of me, it's had me entertaining the thought of dating and romance; but I'm highly sceptical of the standard dating scene. It all seems a roulette to me.

 

I too suffer from social anxiety, and prefer to keep a close circle of friends. Getting out and meeting new people is ill suited to me, and as you can imagine I don't have a large dating pool, if you really want to say I have one.

 

As others here, I have no idea how to go about dating either as I have no gauge as to whether I want to be with somebody, and it's not like I can tell if I'll fall for somebody at a future point. The uncertainty is frustrating.

 

I could do what Law of Circles proposed, but that brings me back to how I socialize. It also doesn't help that it's still rare for me to develop romantic feelings. I also find the timing is rough... I'd need them to be single and interested by the time I develop feelings; realistically, I can't expect somebody to stay single forever, and have an interest at that point. People in my age group are averse to being single.

 

You're expected to always be in a relationship, to be single is a shame. You pretty much are supposed to just find and pick somebody that happens to be single. I don't have the capacity to make such calls. It probably makes sense if one is allo and is thus interested relatively early on, and on a regular basis.

 

I don't know. I like the idea of romance, and I like how I feel when I'm around or thinking of someone I have romantic feelings for. But I don't know where I fit into dating or how to best acquire a romantic partner.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure I should bother, I don't feel I need a relationship and am happy being single, it just seems romance would be a nice thing to have and I'd like the opportunity to explore my romanticism.

 

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bluedragonwings
On 2/28/2018 at 12:42 PM, G1P0 said:

 I also find the timing is rough... I'd need them to be single and interested by the time I develop feelings; realistically, I can't expect somebody to stay single forever, and have an interest at that point.

 

Yeah. That timing thing is another “fun” issue to navigate. 

 

On 2/28/2018 at 12:42 PM, G1P0 said:

People in my age group are averse to being single.

 

You're expected to always be in a relationship, to be single is a shame.

Plus if you are single long enough family starts commenting more and more. 

 

On 2/28/2018 at 12:42 PM, G1P0 said:

I don't know. I like the idea of romance, and I like how I feel when I'm around or thinking of someone I have romantic feelings for. But I don't know where I fit into dating or how to best acquire a romantic partner.

I often wonder how much of my desire for a romantic relationship is based on societal norms and artistic portrayals (ie the IDEA of romance) vs how much is actually what I really want. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've known that I'm demisexual, possibly asexual, for some time now but am wondering if I could be demiromantic. I'm currently in a relationship with a person whom I've known since childhood (I'm in my 30s). We are good friends, we have similar interests, they know me and support me emotionally with aplomb, and it's normally easy to communicate. I'm just confused because this relationship should be rewarding but it's absolutely exhausting. My partner is traditionally romantic, and has been kind enough to restrain their natural levels of affection as a compromise to me (while I try to be more affectionate than I'm naturally comfortable at being) and in my mind I still wonder if my partner is codependent (I'm told that they're not, they're just like most people).

 

I do care for this person very much but I don't seem to be able to be romantically attached to them. What I'm really wondering is, am I demiromantic? Or do I simply not like this person in a romantic way? If it's the latter, I should be fair to them and let them go.

 

I have had crushes in the past, but these all occured during a time when I was also trying to feel "normal" and before I found out about the spectrums of sexual and romantic attachment, so I'm not sure how much I was actually romantically attracted to them or if I was just trying hard to fit in. I don't want to bring this up to my partner until I have more concrete answers, or it will just cause unnecessary hurt. Maybe the rest of you have wrestled with similar conflicts, being demiromantic in a world where most people seem to demand a certain level of codependency to showcase their emotions?

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bluedragonwings

Definitely. For me it is also silly as when I am romantically inclined I tend toward the codependency side of things. IE when getting to know people I am not and it weirds me out, but if/when that switch flips, I suddenly am. I have been fortunate in that the few relationships I have been in, that wasnt a problem. But I worry that someone who gets to like me when I am not codependentish will have issues if I become so.

 

But it is very awkward when someone is demanding a certain level of attention you just dont feel.

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