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Newbie Who Needs Advice


ecogirl92

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Hi everyone,

 

I’ve been circling the asexual label for a while. Although, ultimately, I’m not the biggest fan of labels, mostly because I think they just put you in a box you feel you must adhere to, I’ve used asexuality as an explanation for why I don’t date, have relationships, or have any interest in sex in general. I find both men and women aesthetically attractive with most of my closer relationships leaning towards female, but I’ve never really felt legit sexual attraction to anyone.

 

I am 25 years old and had sex for the first time (and only) last year a few weeks before my 25th birthday (with a guy). It was a completely ‘lets just give it a try and see how it goes’ type of situation and it was on my terms and initiated by myself. No outside pressure, just genuine curiosity. And while slightly uncomfortable physically, as I knew it would be, I would have to say it was neither great or horrible. When it came to the idea of sex, I’ve always just had a neutral attitude and I found that that attitude was consistent with the physical act of sex itself.

 

On the whole, I’ve been very content with a solitary existence, so I never had an issue with the fact that I have no interest towards a sexual relationship. That social drive of being human was satisfied by my few close friends and family. But I think something has started to shift internally. I’m starting to crave a deeper type of connection that I can only describe as wanting a relationship. To share my life with somebody else on a more intimate level than I ever had before. And I just don’t know how to approach something like that. So, I guess I’m here, not only to find a community, but to get some advice into entering the dating world as an asexual who has literally no experience approaching any type of relationship.

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labels aren't a thing you need to figure out right away, it can come with time, experiences, efforts, learning, or it could just click and come instantly. it all depends on the person, and it's completely okay to take a bit more time figuring out what your sexuality really is. sometimes we feel as if we don't put ourselves in a box, people will judge us even more for questioning, but really there's so many changes happening throughout life day to day, it's quite normal to just feel and get lost on a lot of things at times. different factors and aspects throughout day to day life can make us question even more, but i'd say it's completely fine to do what makes you most comfortable. you could be somewhere on the ace spectrum, but again you could be totally asexual. life in general is about experimenting and doing things, even if we may not like it, just trying it and seeing how it goes, it could be a bad thing, but it also could be a good thing. all we can do is take those experiences and explore more if we're unsure, or make the best out of those experiences and apply it to what knowledge we know, getting support and second opinions is good for expanding your own mentality on it all, but if you want to stick in your own comfortable bubble at times, and teach yourself that's completely alright as well. whatever makes you the most happy and content. having a neutral attitude could mean many things, not bad though, just because things and people are different doesn't mean it's always bad, it could be beautiful and comfortable for us as well. if you have no interest in a sexual relationship, that's completely fine as well. pleasing your partner, or having sex once in a while isn't a bad thing, there's many other benefits it could provide other than sexual attraction in general. but, this doesn't mean you don't love your partner. sexual attraction isn't the only attraction out there, if you're romantically attracted to your partner that's a beautiful thing as well, you don't need to have sex to complete or fulfill your relationship, but you can if you want to do so. all couples, all bonds are different and unique in their own way, they may have that cliche concept of love, but love can mean loads of things and have so many deeper meanings and aspects than people can see. relationships happen overtime, you both create a beautiful and gorgeous bond in which you share your happiest and saddest moments together, it's an indescribable feeling in general, because so many people experience it differently and in their own interesting and various ways. but, if you're happy and your partner is happy together and alone, that's all that matters. craving a romantic relationship is completely fine as well, you can feel romantically attracted to someone, but not sexually, or it could be both, one or either. it all depends on the person. let yourself figure it out, throughout loads of things in life, also try your best to communicate to your partner that you're not really interested in sexual relations, but you don't mind it. whether it's throughout talking or texting, whatever you'd like to do. sometimes you wait until the right moment and it just doesn't work out, i'd say whenever you both are free and just having a fun time together. if you have already told your partner, then that's completely amazing. you can figure it out together as well, and take your time in deciding in what you are. even if you never figure it out completely, having an idea or making an effort is more than enough. you can always still have your life put together, and everything put together, yourself, your relationship, your mentality, your perspective and your views. whoever you are, you can be whoever you want to be and become yourself, yet still question your sexuality and that's alright! it doesn't make you immature nor childish, those are things in society tells us is different therefore it's bad, but no it's really not. different and changes can be positive at times, yet it's so taboo because society doesn't focus on that. become who you want to be, and just because you don't have part of yourself figured out yet it doesn't mean your whole self isn't figured out yet. let yourself enjoy and live life, do what you want to do, and continue on thinking, pouring in time and efforts and exploring as little or much as you want. it's all your choice and decision on what to do in the end though, this is your life, and you're the owner of it.

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Welcome! Asexuality as a label is less of a box, and more like a descriptor for the lack of something. Labels aren’t great, but they can be fluid, so if you feel like it doesn’t fit you then you can always change later :) 

chocolate-truffle-cake-dark-chocolate-ca

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Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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