30 year old (f) virgin and never kissed/dated someone and now wondering if I am asexual, hetrosexual, bisexual or lesbian

[summerqueen]

Hello friends,

I am a 30 year old woman who has never been in a relationship physical or otherwise with someone. I also haven't ever gone on a date or kissed someone. I don't care for it at all and have always declined offers to dates etc. I know this makes me an oddball (I am the butt of all family jokes hahha) but please know that this is how I always felt all throughout my life and I very much doubt it will change.

 

On who I like: I know that if I go out and I notice a man  It will most likely be because I think "he's cute in a physically attractive/dateable way but I do not care for the time, effort and energy any form of relationship requires so no " and with women if I notice them it will be because "ohh she is wearing a nice dress I wonder what shop did she buy it from". So yes I can find men attractive in a way that is beyond aesthetic feeling but no I do not want to actually want to seriously consider forming any relationship because I am no willing to give up my solitude (not to be confused with loneliness as I am a very social and happy person who likes my family and friends and meeting new people).

 

So last evening I pondered on my secret life in my head haha and what it means. I have never thought about sexuality in my life so I am. So for over 12 years I have on and off watched lesbian porn and that would get me to think about being with a woman and get aroused. I also would think of men too but because straight porn is not appealing too me (male centered focus of pleasure and is too aggressive) I would just close my eyes and think of being with men and that would work in terms of arousal. Now, where its a little interesting here is that with men my secret thoughts match a small desire I feel for men in my everyday life when interacting with people but with women my secret thoughts do not match as I do not feel anything for women in my everyday life except as friends and sisters and as stated when I go outside women are not the object of my eye, its certain men but again its not a "I want to be with him now" type of noticing just a subtle noticing.

So for all my life I have never thought about all of this. Imagine at 30! hahaha. I just got on with life. But I dont know, its healthy to reflect right?

 

So here's the thing I have no clue what I am and I am thinking what do you make of my situation? Am I hetro/bi or lesbian or asexual? Does the secret thoughts and the time length of those thoughts (12 years)  mean that I like women despite never being attracted to one that is actually alive i.e. not in my head but women I actually see in my life everyday? If you asked me what I am, I am someone who will probably never be in a relationship with someone because I have no desire to make the compromise all relationships require (time, space) because there incentive isnt that high. I can live happily without intimacy in any form but I dont no the name of this.

 

[Yeast]

You sound a lot like me. I'm a male virgin twice your age. Being asexual means one isn't sexually attracted to anybody. This means you might like their appearance in an aesthetic way but you would not want to have sex with them. The LGBT community is a sexual one. These people engage in sex. People like me don't. One can have sexual fantasies and even masturbate and still be asexual. One very important aspect of the asexual community is that we don't feel we are abnormal. Granted, some of us do but AVEN serves as an education and support forum to help people with their problems. Nobody like me ought to feel ashamed or confused about themselves. We all are simply what we are, whatever we are. I suppose the general rule for both of us is that we are asexual if we have never had sex. Some asexuals actually do have sex but don't desire it. This happens to asexuals with sexual partners or even spouses.  As you can see, the asexual spectrum is a very diverse one. We both constitute one small part of it. I hope this forum helps to answer any questions you may have. 

[Gldlynch]

Hi summerqueen

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It's totally fine that you're 30 and only discovering/acknowledging your sexual preferences now. It's natural that we want to sweep these things under the rug, especially in today's sex obsessed society. I ignored mine for over 20 years and only last year did I come to terms with it. It's all about self-love and embracement.

 

Asexuality is solely focused on the "attraction" we lack or do not feel towards people (in a sexual nature). This doesn't dismiss romantic attraction, however if you don't feel any romantic attraction towards people either then possibly you are on the aromantic spectrum also. It is common to have kinks, fetishes and fantasies even if you are asexual, it's just the "attraction" or natural desire to have sex which is absent.

 

It's okay to not be sure what labels quite fit you. It's okay to have labels which are long or simply just roll with being "queer". Often when individuals show or feel interest in males and females, it's labelled as bi - maybe even pan or poly depending on what genders you consider "attractive." At the same time, if you only like the concept of love/romance in theory as opposed to physical practice, you might be on the aro ace spectrum somewhere.

 

My definition is quite poor (sorry!) but don't feel the need to hasten when trying to label your sexuality. For now you could just say you're queer or non-hetero-normative.

 

Best of luck!

[summerqueen]

4 hours ago, Yeast said:

You sound a lot like me. I'm a male virgin twice your age. Being asexual means one isn't sexually attracted to anybody. This means you might like their appearance in an aesthetic way but you would not want to have sex with them. The LGBT community is a sexual one. These people engage in sex. People like me don't. One can have sexual fantasies and even masturbate and still be asexual. 

 

3 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

 

It's okay to not be sure what labels quite fit you. It's okay to have labels which are long or simply just roll with being "queer". Often when individuals show or feel interest in males and females, it's labelled as bi - maybe even pan or poly depending on what genders you consider "attractive." At the same time, if you only like the concept of love/romance in theory as opposed to physical practice, you might be on the aro ace spectrum somewhere.

 

My definition is quite poor (sorry!) but don't feel the need to hasten when trying to label your sexuality. For now you could just say you're queer or non-hetero-normative.

 

Best of luck!

 

Great and articulate points from you both, thank you!!! So do I measure my sexual orientation by the way I feel around existing people that I see with my own eyes in my everyday life? What about those thoughts I've pictured in my head here and there that was  assisted by porn that I have no intention to carry out with a real and existing person that I actually come into contact with? Its okay if there is no clear cut answer on this, at this point I a just curious as to how others define their sexual orientation i.e. do they include their fetishes, kinks and things they think about or are they basing it on how they feel around people they interact with everyday in they life i.e. people they see at their work, walking down the street etc.  

 

Am I asexual with this in mind though: I don't want to act all in denial. Yea, I've had moments where I have considered being in a romantic relationship with a guy, There was physical  attraction there (I wouldn't say sexual because I didn't know him that well) but the desire was not a strong enough incentive for me to be with him. I could feel a attraction but I just wasn't interested in acting out that desire not because I am repulsed by it but simply because I do not really want to be with someone that baddddd. I think of all the ways relationships and even flings (which is a no, no for me) would take up time out of my life, time I prefer to spend growing and learning and I just do not want to compromise or even with those things. Again, this is a consistent feeling all throughout my life. On a side note: I have never felt an attraction towards women that I have ever seen, I'd be cool if I did experience it but nah, it has not happened, which makes the 12 years or lesbian porn alongside thoughts I've pictured in my mind very strange. I'm not sure if anyone can relate to have long running thoughts/porn that they have never felt any desire to enact with people they come into contact with?

 

 

 

[everywhere and nowhere]

11 hours ago, Yeast said:

The LGBT community is a sexual one.

Which doesn't mean that asexual lesbians, asexual gay men, biromantic aces and trans aces should feel like they don't belong in the LGBT community.

Actually, there is definitely an "overrepresentation" of trans people among aces and, conversely, also an overrepresentation of asexuals among transgender people. Often their asexuality is caused by gender dysphoria, but every once in a while a trans person discovers that their asexual feelings didn't change after transition.

 

11 hours ago, Yeast said:

These people engage in sex.

Not necessarily. Any person of whatever orientation may not engage in sex for other reasons than not being interested. For example if a gay man is shy, doesn't have a partner, doesn't accept casual sex and so doesn't have sex even though he would want to if he had a possibility, does it mean he's not a part of the LGBT community?

[danvers]

8 hours ago, summerqueen said:

What about those thoughts I've pictured in my head here and there that was  assisted by porn that I have no intention to carry out with a real and existing person that I actually come into contact with?

If the people you picture actually existed and were people you knew, would you still be attracted to them? I identify as biromantic even though the only girls I have been attracted to were a YouTuber and a couple book and TV characters because I know that if that YouTuber and those characters were people I actually knew, I would still have crushes on them. So I know that although I have not been romantically attracted to any woman I actually know in real life, it is possible. Does that make any sense?

 

8 hours ago, summerqueen said:

Am I asexual with this in mind though: I don't want to act all in denial. Yea, I've had moments where I have considered being in a romantic relationship with a guy, There was physical  attraction there (I wouldn't say sexual because I didn't know him that well) but the desire was not a strong enough incentive for me to be with him.

Yes, you can absolutely be asexual and have crushes/want a romantic relationship! Most non-asexual people experience romantic and sexual attraction at the same time and don't differentiate, but romantic and sexual attraction don't have to go together. For every sexual orientation, there is a corresponding romantic orientation (heterosexual and heteroromantic, for example), and your romantic and sexual orientations don't have to match up. To me, it sounds like you could be heteroromantic asexual because you describe being romantically but not sexually attracted to men, but your attraction to women seems to be more platonic.

[Yeast]

5 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Not necessarily. Any person of whatever orientation may not engage in sex for other reasons than not being interested. For example if a gay man is shy, doesn't have a partner, doesn't accept casual sex and so doesn't have sex even though he would want to if he had a possibility, does it mean he's not a part of the LGBT community?

Isn't this unintentional celibacy? This forum seems to make a clear distinction between asexuality and celibacy. As I understand things, the members of the LGBT community desire sex and asexuals don't. Celibate LGBT people sort of remind me of asexuals who participate in sex to maintain relationships with sexual partners. It's sexual desire which seems to delineate things. Then again this can get terribly complicated. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, Yeast said:

Isn't this unintentional celibacy? This forum seems to make a clear distinction between asexuality and celibacy. As I understand things, the members of the LGBT community desire sex and asexuals don't. Celibate LGBT people sort of remind me of asexuals who participate in sex to maintain relationships with sexual partners. It's sexual desire which seems to delineate things. Then again this can get terribly complicated. 

Of course it is. But still, an unintentionally celibate person doesn't engage in sex. Not all LGBT people have sex.

[summerqueen]

9 hours ago, Linh Cinder said:

If the people you picture actually existed and were people you knew, would you still be attracted to them? I identify as biromantic even though the only girls I have been attracted to were a YouTuber and a couple book and TV characters because I know that if that YouTuber and those characters were people I actually knew, I would still have crushes on them. So I know that although I have not been romantically attracted to any woman I actually know in real life, it is possible. Does that make any sense?

 

Yes, you can absolutely be asexual and have crushes/want a romantic relationship! Most non-asexual people experience romantic and sexual attraction at the same time and don't differentiate, but romantic and sexual attraction don't have to go together. For every sexual orientation, there is a corresponding romantic orientation (heterosexual and heteroromantic, for example), and your romantic and sexual orientations don't have to match up. To me, it sounds like you could be heteroromantic asexual because you describe being romantically but not sexually attracted to men, but your attraction to women seems to be more platonic.

 

Thanx a heap for the reply and education. Really informative stuff.

 

No I wouldnt be attracted to the women I have pictured in my head if they were in front of me right now and I saw them everyday and yes you make perfect sense. Just read up on biromantic...very interesting and great to read that you found a label to works for you. So to understand your point, would you classify yourself as biromantic if you only felt attracted to the youtuber or tv character only when you pictured them in your head but outside of those daydreams you did not feel anything for them? Would you class that as "attraction" to them. Mind you these thoughts I have had are 12 years long and have usually always accompanied by porn for masturbation purposes, all of which I no longer engage in but still it was a part of me one and off for 12 years. 

 

I also looked up hetro-romantic, I can see where that links to the feelings I feel for people that I see everyday. I guess I'd only have to add a disclaimer to that label that pretty much said "very unlikely to ever pursue a romantic or sexual relationship but the label sums up what attraction I can feel around people that I see everyday. AN attraction I will most likely never act on because there is not enough desire to pursue it".

 

This is truly a very enlightening topic and glad I found you all here, great to know I am not an oddball after all haha.

 

 

 

 

[uhtred]

I think labels are a lot less important than thinking about what you want.   If you are happy with things as they are, then that is great - you are ahead of an awful lot of people who are unhappy with their sex lives.  If you are happy, no need to change, and who cares what it is called. 

 

If you are not happy, then you need to think about what would make you happy. Do you desire sex under any conditions and do you think it would make you happier? If so, then you could look for opportunities to do so - but only under the conditions you want.  Your own thoughts and fantasies are probably the best guide to what you want.  

 

 

[danvers]

4 hours ago, summerqueen said:

I guess I'd only have to add a disclaimer to that label that pretty much said "very unlikely to ever pursue a romantic or sexual relationship but the label sums up what attraction I can feel around people that I see everyday. AN attraction I will most likely never act on because there is not enough desire to pursue it".

Have you read/heard anything about aromanticism? Just as asexual people don't experience sexual attraction, aromantic people don't experience romantic attraction. And there's a whole spectrum of aromanticism, too. Gray-aromantic people experience romantic attraction very rarely, or only under certain circumstances, or very weakly. It's sort of an umbrella term for people who don't feel either fully alloromantic (experience romantic attraction the same way most people do) or fully aromantic.  Demiromantic people fall under the gray-aromantic umbrella and only experience romantic attraction after they already have a close emotional bond with that person. There are a lot of other identities that can also fall under the gray-aromantic umbrella, but I don't know very much about them. Since you seem to experience romantic attraction but don't have a desire to act on it, it sounds like you might also be gray-aromantic. And since allo/gray/demi/aromantic describes how/when you experience attraction, and hetero/homo/bi/pan/aromantic describes who you experience attraction to, you could be both gray-aromantic and heteroromantic.

 

And you don't need to use any of these labels unless you want to. I like calling myself biromantic asexual because I like having the words to describe my experiences. On the other hand, I might also be some form of gray-aromantic, but I don't really call myself gray-aromantic. This is just because I don't  know if I'm alloromantic or gray-aromantic (I know I'm not aromantic, and I'm pretty sure I'm not demiromantic), and at this point, biromantic asexual works well enough to describe me. So I'm just not worrying about that particular part of my identity right now. Do what makes you happy!

[SilentRose]

I definitely understand what you mean when you say you want a relationship, but you're comfortable in your current life and don't want to risk your current comfort on a relationship. 

 

My best advice is to not go out and find a relationship just because you feel like you should or because you're "getting older". 

 

In my experience talking to people about the same thing...at some point you either meet someone who knocks you off your feet, who's worth risking it all for...or you don't. Either way is completely fine. Just please, don't force yourself to date because you reach a certain date and feel like you should "settle". That only leads to unhappiness and resentment down the road. 

 

If you want to put a label on things it sounds to me like you could be grayromantic, but again that label it totally up to you and you don't really have to use any labels to begin with. 

 

If you're happy with how things are now, all the power to you. You might meet someone down the road, you might not. If it makes you happy, keep dating, if not...don't. the worst thing you can do is over-think. As hard as it is, just try to take life as it comes

 

 

[summerqueen]

19 hours ago, uhtred said:

I think labels are a lot less important than thinking about what you want.   If you are happy with things as they are, then that is great - you are ahead of an awful lot of people who are unhappy with their sex lives.  If you are happy, no need to change, and who cares what it is called. 

 

If you are not happy, then you need to think about what would make you happy. Do you desire sex under any conditions and do you think it would make you happier? If so, then you could look for opportunities to do so - but only under the conditions you want.  Your own thoughts and fantasies are probably the best guide to what you want.  

 

 

 

Thanks a heap everyone for your replies. Uhtred, I am happy the way I am and its no such much caring what its called, I was just interested because this is the first time in my life that I even thought about what my sexuality is called  and I just was like "im pretty sure I am an oddball but let me just go online and find out if there are other people like me and what do they call themselves". I also was just inquiring about the 12 years one and off porn and fantasies because it doesn't reflect how I feel around people that I meet and see everyday and so also wasn't sure what this is called lool an was curious about it. I don't need a label but having one would be kinda cool though. 

 

17 hours ago, Linh Cinder said:

Have you read/heard anything about aromanticism? Just as asexual people don't experience sexual attraction, aromantic people don't experience romantic attraction. And there's a whole spectrum of aromanticism, too. Gray-aromantic people experience romantic attraction very rarely, or only under certain circumstances, or very weakly. It's sort of an umbrella term for people who don't feel either fully alloromantic (experience romantic attraction the same way most people do) or fully aromantic.  Demiromantic people fall under the gray-aromantic umbrella and only experience romantic attraction after they already have a close emotional bond with that person. There are a lot of other identities that can also fall under the gray-aromantic umbrella, but I don't know very much about them. Since you seem to experience romantic attraction but don't have a desire to act on it, it sounds like you might also be gray-aromantic. And since allo/gray/demi/aromantic describes how/when you experience attraction, and hetero/homo/bi/pan/aromantic describes who you experience attraction to, you could be both gray-aromantic and heteroromantic.

 

And you don't need to use any of these labels unless you want to. I like calling myself biromantic asexual because I like having the words to describe my experiences. On the other hand, I might also be some form of gray-aromantic, but I don't really call myself gray-aromantic. This is just because I don't  know if I'm alloromantic or gray-aromantic (I know I'm not aromantic, and I'm pretty sure I'm not demiromantic), and at this point, biromantic asexual works well enough to describe me. So I'm just not worrying about that particular part of my identity right now. Do what makes you happy!

 

Great breakdown! I completely got it and gray-aromantic and the whole low desire for romantic relationships is literally me all over  I can feel the desire, it's just really low and I see no benefit in it really. So glad to know there are others out there and that there is a term for this.

 

 

15 hours ago, SilentRose said:

I definitely understand what you mean when you say you want a relationship, but you're comfortable in your current life and don't want to risk your current comfort on a relationship. 

 

My best advice is to not go out and find a relationship just because you feel like you should or because you're "getting older". 

 

In my experience talking to people about the same thing...at some point you either meet someone who knocks you off your feet, who's worth risking it all for...or you don't. Either way is completely fine. Just please, don't force yourself to date because you reach a certain date and feel like you should "settle". That only leads to unhappiness and resentment down the road. 

 

If you want to put a label on things it sounds to me like you could be grayromantic, but again that label it totally up to you and you don't really have to use any labels to begin with. 

 

If you're happy with how things are now, all the power to you. You might meet someone down the road, you might not. If it makes you happy, keep dating, if not...don't. the worst thing you can do is over-think. As hard as it is, just try to take life as it comes

 

 

 

Thanks! I wouldn't say I want a relationship at all, I actually do not want one but I have find myself kinda liking a guy in a romantic way but deciding not to act on it i.e. accepting a date because I know deep inside that I do not desire a romantic relationship enough. I also do not feel any pressure or feel like I am getting old which makes me the minority in my social circle  , I literally am I big kid still and do not care for all that serious, grown up relationship stuff. I guess I was more just curious to figure out if I was an oddball because in all my 30 years I never even thought about my sexuality because other than thoughts in my head and a few guys I was attracted too I never felt and still do not fee any desire to go out with anyone and I will be very happy if this is the way it will always be for me Off course, if it changes it'll surprise me but I'll be cool with that.

[danvers]

3 hours ago, summerqueen said:

Great breakdown! I completely got it and gray-aromantic and the whole low desire for romantic relationships is literally me all over  I can feel the desire, it's just really low and I see no benefit in it really. So glad to know there are others out there and that there is a term for this.

Glad that helped!