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Why does it have to be me?


taebae

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Hey, guys!

 

I'm at my wits end and could use a little advice. I'm aroace. And while I haven't explicitly said so to any of my friends, I'm very vocal about my disinterest in pursuing any sexual or romantic relationships. Despite this, I've had friends develop feelings for me and try to guilt or pressure me into giving them "a chance." One friend in particular I've known for about 10 years and we've been extremely close. He knows where I stand on matters of sex and relationships and has tried to respect that. Recently, however, he told me that he loves and wants to be in a relationship with me. I rejected him, citing my inability reciprocate his feelings and my desire to remain as friends. However, he told me that he "can't just be friends" with me anymore. I don't understand this one bit? I feel like if he values me as a person and not just as an object of desire he could put aside his romantic/sexual feelings for the sake of our friendship? Like I mentioned, we've been extremely close friends for years now. What we had was pretty much a QPR (i.e. no sex, no romance, but a very strong connection between us.) I told him that if he really needed to have his sexual or romantic desires fulfilled, he could very well do that with someone else and still be able to maintain a friendship with me. But he insists that it wouldn't be the same. It has to be me, apparently. BUT WHY?! I really don't understand. Are romantic feelings really so strong? Strong enough to make a person end a 10 year best-friendship? 

 

Also,how do you cope with these kinds of situations? I've just kind of started to avoid cishet men altogether, because our frienships always seem to end this way...

 

 

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For many sexual people, love, romance and sex are all tied together. They are unable to separate them.   Its also unfortunate but true, that when a romantic relationship (even a one-sided one) ends, it can be very difficult to remain friends - too many of the wrong sorts of feelings for that to work. 

 

Unfortunately it is just how some people are wired. 

 

BTW - if he finds another romantic relationship, he might again become comfortable with you as a friend. 

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Hey,

I'm not aro, so maybe I can shed a little bit of light on the romantic perspective. Romantic feelings can be quite intense. And if they are not requited, it hurts. A lot. You know the expression "to get over it"? It means to deal with those broken, hurting feelings, to try and stop loving that person in a romantic way. And often those feelings can't be separated from the friendship one might have had before, so the friendship breaks as well.  I've had two relationships that ended, and I've stayed friends with one of them. It took me waay longer to deal with my feelings for him and it hurt a LOT, because I got reminded of him and what we had everytime I saw him. We're still friends, because we worked it out somehow (I have honestly no idea how). So, it might be possible to remain friends, but it's very hard, and in some cases it simply isn't possible.

 I know, you didn't have a romantic relationship. And for you a QPR might be enough. But for him it isn't. And it's not easy to put aside these feelings.

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It's hard to keep a friendship when one person develops romantic (and possibly sexual) attraction, while the other just considers them a friend; for sure, things won't be like before. Even if you accept that the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings and try to mantain the friendship, trying to act "just like friends" makes you feel awkward and frustrated, because you keep craving a level of intimacy (both emotional and physical) and connection they won't give you. Metaphorically, it kills you inside. That's also why fullfilling your sexual desires with someone else isn't the same as fullfilling with someone you love: the emotions/desires you feel wouldn't be the same.

Still, I don't find correct your friend's behaviour. He should accept that you don't feel the same for him and he shouldn't pressure you to give him a chance, nor he should make you feel guilty.

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18 minutes ago, uhtred said:

For many sexual people, love, romance and sex are all tied together. They are unable to separate them.   Its also unfortunate but true, that when a romantic relationship (even a one-sided one) ends, it can be very difficult to remain friends - too many of the wrong sorts of feelings for that to work. 

 

Unfortunately it is just how some people are wired. 

 

BTW - if he finds another romantic relationship, he might again become comfortable with you as a friend. 

Ah, I see. That's pretty difficult for me to grasp but I'm going to work on accepting it... 

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16 minutes ago, Raya said:

Hey,

I'm not aro, so maybe I can shed a little bit of light on the romantic perspective. Romantic feelings can be quite intense. And if they are not requited, it hurts. A lot. You know the expression "to get over it"? It means to deal with those broken, hurting feelings, to try and stop loving that person in a romantic way. And often those feelings can't be separated from the friendship one might have had before, so the friendship breaks as well.  I've had two relationships that ended, and I've stayed friends with one of them. It took me waay longer to deal with my feelings for him and it hurt a LOT, because I got reminded of him and what we had everytime I saw him. We're still friends, because we worked it out somehow (I have honestly no idea how). So, it might be possible to remain friends, but it's very hard, and in some cases it simply isn't possible.

 I know, you didn't have a romantic relationship. And for you a QPR might be enough. But for him it isn't. And it's not easy to put aside these feelings.

Wow I hate to think that I've caused him to hurt so much... Romantic love seems kind of...frightening, at least in terms of its intensity and what it does to people.

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29 minutes ago, LeDeer said:

It's hard to keep a friendship when one person develops romantic (and possibly sexual) attraction, while the other just considers them a friend; for sure, things won't be like before. Even if you accept that the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings and try to mantain the friendship, trying to act "just like friends" makes you feel awkward and frustrated, because you keep craving a level of intimacy (both emotional and physical) and connection they won't give you. Metaphorically, it kills you inside. That's also why fullfilling your sexual desires with someone else isn't the same as fullfilling with someone you love: the emotions/desires you feel wouldn't be the same.

Still, I don't find correct your friend's behaviour. He should accept that you don't feel the same for him and he shouldn't pressure you to give him a chance, nor he should make you feel guilty.

Yeah, he's entitled to feel the way that he does but I don't find his behavior correct either. I went through a period of trying to appease him because I just wanted him to stay in my life but that was a pretty rough time for me. I'm sex repulsed and touch averse and he knows that, but he still pressured me because I guess he had some sort of hope that things would change. I wanted to believe that too, but in the end it just made things worse for the both of us...

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3 minutes ago, taebae said:

Wow I hate to think that I've caused him to hurt so much... Romantic love seems kind of...frightening, at least in terms of its intensity and what it does to people.

It's not your fault, you can't help it if you don't feel the same. As @LeDeer said, it is not fair of him to pressure you or guilt-trip you into something you don't want or can't reciprocate, especially if he knew that about you. People don't magically change.

I can understand that you find romantic love frightening, I'm romantic and I find it frightening as well for the same reasons, I'm also afraid of getting hurt myself... Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But then I meet someone and forget that again.. Oh well, it's a weird thing.

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48 minutes ago, Raya said:

It's not your fault, you can't help it if you don't feel the same. As @LeDeer said, it is not fair of him to pressure you or guilt-trip you into something you don't want or can't reciprocate, especially if he knew that about you. People don't magically change.

I can understand that you find romantic love frightening, I'm romantic and I find it frightening as well for the same reasons, I'm also afraid of getting hurt myself... Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. But then I meet someone and forget that again.. Oh well, it's a weird thing.

Yeah that really wasn't fair of him. But I guess it wasn't fair of me to expect him to suppress his feelings, either. 

 

I see my friends going through that cycle all the time and, from an outsider's perspective, its a very weird thing, indeed. My friends are always telling me I just don't understand because I've never been in love, but I don't think I'd ever want to be lol. 

 

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It's often hard to understand someone else's feelings when you don't feel the same.  But you don't really have to understand their feelings -- you  just have to  respect them, and accept them.  

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Just now, Sally said:

It's often hard to understand someone else's feelings when you don't feel the same.  But you don't really have to understand their feelings -- you  just have to  respect them, and accept them.  It's likely that when you nicely kept trying to explain to him how you felt, he kept thinking there was maybe a chance for a relationship with you.  If you stop and accept that he can't go  back to friendship, he'll probably stop trying to get you to change your mind.  

 

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@Sally  We're not friends anymore and he's no longer trying to change my mind. I'm simply trying to understand what happened because it's been bothering me. I couldn't help but wonder why he'd go so far as to end our friendship despite all that we've invested in it. I know that as an aro I can never really understand him, and even if I could it wouldn't make a difference, but I just need to satisfy my curiosity. At least going forward I'll know how to better process/handle these sorts of situations as they arise.

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