majace Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 I'm usually more ok to have sex after thinking about it for days but I wish I could think less about it and not let it consume my mind for so long before it happens. My husband is veeeeeery understanding and kind and would not want me to do anything I don't want, but I still want to have sex once in a while, as I know how important it is for him and what we have is already not close to enough. Just wondering how everybody else does it. For those of you who compromise by having sex, how do you mentally prepare for it? Before it? How about during it?! Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 I just could not hardly stand it with my husband, so just didn't say anything, do anything, and hope it would be over soon (which it was). With my partner, I was in love with him and he was already rather...quick, so he didn't really notice I wasn't into it, and I kept waiting for it to "take" for me. After years, I realized it wasn't going to take, and by then he was not so quick, so I did a bit of pretending so that he would be a lot quicker. Then eventually, I couldn't deal with it at all, and about that time, I found AVEN and realized why I wasn't interested. So I just basically tried to go with the flow, and hoped that there would be at least several days between sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
AW10 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Well, asexual and sexual have to mentally prepare for practicing sex, which is the simple task that only few people do: [prepare the activity] establish "practicing sex" as "your target", setup "regulating sex" as "notice partner" [perform the activity] if you successfully did step "prepare the activity", then simply "perform the activity" Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 With my exes that I was not attracted to: I would go into the bathroom and basically talk myself through how not bad it really is, it'll be over soon, then you can get back to what you enjoy, etc, etc and basically... same way I prep myself for a long day at work, or a test, or anything I really don't wanna do. Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Fear, anxiety and grim determination. As many positive thoughts as possible! Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 On 20/02/2018 at 7:25 AM, Sally said: I just could not hardly stand it with my husband, so just didn't say anything, do anything, and hope it would be over soon (which it was). With my partner, I was in love with him and he was already rather...quick, so he didn't really notice I wasn't into it, and I kept waiting for it to "take" for me. After years, I realized it wasn't going to take, and by then he was not so quick, so I did a bit of pretending so that he would be a lot quicker. Then eventually, I couldn't deal with it at all, and about that time, I found AVEN and realized why I wasn't interested. So I just basically tried to go with the flow, and hoped that there would be at least several days between sessions. A suggestion here that may work but may not. It’s just a suggestion. Have sex every day of the week except sundays. Sunday is your day off. Do this for one month. After one month, have sex on sundays and Monday - Saturday are your days off. The challenge of the previous month may make this new level of sexual activity feel like a walk in the park and may make it sustainable. Just be sure to tell you hubby what you are doing so he doesn’t get too used to high levels of sex that month 1 brought. Link to post Share on other sites
majace Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 On 2/20/2018 at 2:25 AM, Sally said: I just could not hardly stand it with my husband, so just didn't say anything, do anything, and hope it would be over soon (which it was). With my partner, I was in love with him and he was already rather...quick, so he didn't really notice I wasn't into it, and I kept waiting for it to "take" for me. After years, I realized it wasn't going to take, and by then he was not so quick, so I did a bit of pretending so that he would be a lot quicker. Then eventually, I couldn't deal with it at all, and about that time, I found AVEN and realized why I wasn't interested. So I just basically tried to go with the flow, and hoped that there would be at least several days between sessions. Haha This sounds so much like myself talking. Eventually, it does get harder and harder. On 2/20/2018 at 4:22 PM, Serran said: With my exes that I was not attracted to: I would go into the bathroom and basically talk myself through how not bad it really is, it'll be over soon, then you can get back to what you enjoy, etc, etc and basically... same way I prep myself for a long day at work, or a test, or anything I really don't wanna do. So is it really different for those you are attracted to? On 2/20/2018 at 5:15 PM, MrJ said: Fear, anxiety and grim determination. As many positive thoughts as possible! Positive thoughts sound good too, thanks! For sure I can practice that a bit more as it could be a wide range of things to test thinking about! On 2/20/2018 at 3:32 AM, AW10 said: Well, asexual and sexual have to mentally prepare for practicing sex, which is the simple task that only few people do: [prepare the activity] establish "practicing sex" as "your target", setup "regulating sex" as "notice partner" [perform the activity] if you successfully did step "prepare the activity", then simply "perform the activity" You're right, for a sexual to have sex with an asexual, they need to mentally prepare as well. I hadn't thought about it this way. I think what we do in practice does translate to the process/steps you mentioned but it sure feels like a much longer and harder process. 6 hours ago, James121 said: A suggestion here that may work but may not. It’s just a suggestion. Have sex every day of the week except sundays. Sunday is your day off. Do this for one month. After one month, have sex on sundays and Monday - Saturday are your days off. The challenge of the previous month may make this new level of sexual activity feel like a walk in the park and may make it sustainable. Just be sure to tell you hubby what you are doing so he doesn’t get too used to high levels of sex that month 1 brought. Wow this is very interesting. I don't think I can go through the first stage. Although I think at the beginning of our relationship we had sex more often and then we made it less over time, similar to this suggestion, but over time, as Sally was saying, however much it is, eventually I get tired of that too and want less and less :-S But I'm happy you suggested it. It may very well helps someone else. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 3 minutes ago, majace said: Wow this is very interesting. I don't think I can go through the first stage. Although I think at the beginning of our relationship we had sex more often and then we made it less over time, similar to this suggestion, but over time, as Sally was saying, however much it is, eventually I get tired of that too and want less and less :-S But I'm happy you suggested it. It may very well helps someone else. thanks This is a recognised tactic used by sex therapist’s to kickstart a stuttering sex life. Lots of sex will reignite interest in in a libido can return. I accept your situation is different as this isn’t a libido issue but an asexual issue which is why I was clear it was just a suggestion. To be fair I’d find the first part quite hard and I absolutely love sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 2 hours ago, majace said: So is it really different for those you are attracted to? Sexual activities with someone I am attracted to I have found are fun, no prep needed and don't stress me out. But, not been attracted to more than one person in my life, so. The majority of my experiences are with people I wasn't attracted to, but liked. Link to post Share on other sites
RunningStrong Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 I have a hard time turning OFF my brain and enjoying the physical activity (because I do) once I've made up my mind that it's going to happen. No concrete advice to you, but I hear ya here Link to post Share on other sites
MissMidnight Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Personally, I focus on the foreplay, I focus on the noises and reactions i can get out of him by doing the things im comfortable with so if i say flick my tongue against his ear lobe or something, I try and ignore the end act per say. Then during I try and focus on what I like and ignore what I dont so I like kisses, i like cuddles, i like touches or back tickles etc so if his touching my neck or playing with my hair ill focus on what that hand in doing instead of other parts or ill make out with him like mad and focus on that. I'm lucky with my partner his quick so If the foreplay is prolonged the act is shorter again, his not happy with his performance but as Ive pointed out to him its not an issue for me at all so i think that brings him a little comfort. Hopefully that helps. As for preparing and being the one to start the act that I cant help with because I'm struggling myself to find the answer to that... Like when asked if you could initiate that sometimes etc that I have no answer to as of yet. Sorry hopefully the above helped even a little though. Link to post Share on other sites
ladywacko Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 On 2/22/2018 at 10:27 PM, BlindBeader said: I have a hard time turning OFF my brain and enjoying the physical activity (because I do) once I've made up my mind that it's going to happen. No concrete advice to you, but I hear ya here ^^ So much this. The more mental “prep” I do, the more likely it is that I just won’t be able to. I just have to get out of my head and into my body, if that makes sense. I actually can and do enjoy sex, but I’ve got to bypass my brain to make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
RunningStrong Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 YES!!! Bypassing my brain.... I like how you put this! Link to post Share on other sites
lemon_lime Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 On 2/20/2018 at 12:25 AM, Sally said: So I just basically tried to go with the flow, and hoped that there would be at least several days between sessions. A few days?! Oh my gosh, sorry, but that is horrifying to me. We have sex about once a month and that’s already too much for me. On 2/23/2018 at 10:57 PM, MissMidnight said: Personally, I focus on the foreplay, I focus on the noises and reactions i can get out of him by doing the things im comfortable with so if i say flick my tongue against his ear lobe or something, I try and ignore the end act per say. I must seem like a bump on a log. It never occured to me to actually participate, but my husband has never complained. On 2/22/2018 at 8:27 PM, BlindBeader said: I have a hard time turning OFF my brain and enjoying the physical activity (because I do) once I've made up my mind that it's going to happen. No concrete advice to you, but I hear ya here I think the only thing that helps is trying to focus on how it feels physically but not letting my mind think about how I feel emotionally. If I think about that, I feel sort of violated. But I can’t mentally prepare ahead of time since it’s always sudden. Not sure it would make a difference anyway. I don’t know how long is normal, but the whole thing usually take 45 mins to an hour, so I can get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
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