Frustrated

[Depressed1980]

On the outside my family seems perfect. My spouse and I have great jobs,  an amazing house,  a beautiful child, and a we have a very good relationship. No one can tell that her asexuality is causing a drift between us that will either end in cheating or a divorce. 

 

Whenever I bring it up she says it’s simply the stress of the job or being tired , but it’s all excuses. We can’t talk about it and I’m falling to alcohol to cope. Sex may not be important to her but it is to me and after 8 years it is to the point that I am becoming emotionally bankrupt and angry. 

 

Ive never cheated on a partner and think of myself as being above it. I’ve also never felt this kind of emotional disconnect. She doesn’t understand and sees me as just become increasingly angry and distant, but she’s been the distant one for years. 

 

At this point it seems like we are just here for our child.  I know I’ll keep doing this because I love my wife and child and would never leave them. I do feel like I’m falling deeper into depression and alcoholism, so I don’t know that that will turn to. 

 

I just needed to get this off my chest. 

[Starspirit42]

10/10 suggest counselling.

 

Aside from that, I'm glad you had the courage to open up. Admitting there is a problem is half the challenge. It may be plausible for her to agree that you find satisfaction elsewhere even if you stay in a relationship. It's not cheating if both parties are aware, unless you feel it to be so.

 

I wish you the best.

[Depressed1980]

Thank you for your response.

 

Counseling is out of the question. She won’t accept the issue and blames my faults. I admit I am becoming distant and angry (years of saying it but no answer). For the same reason I don’t think I could ask for anything open. 

 

I truly only want to be with my spouse but the sexual disconnect is killing our relationship. 

[Gldlynch]

Hi Depressed1980

 

Welcome to AVEN

 

This sounds like a terrible situation, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this state of limbo. You may not want to hear this but I agree with Starspirit42, I think seeking professional help is the most suitable option. If some form of marriage counselling doesn't fit your scenario, perhaps start off by attending a solo session. Alcohol is not the answer and I would step away from it now, before it stirs into something worse. I have witnessed this sort of situation and I wouldn't even wish it upon my worst enemy.

 

An anonymous forum like AVEN is a great starting point if you want to clear your head - I did this one a year ago too. Then I started seeking professional help for my situation and my, oh my, it helped. It didn't absolutely cure everything, but having someone to physically speak to without judgement is extremely cleansing. Best of luck!

[lilgroundhog]

Even if your wife isn't open to counseling, it may well be worth it for you to go.

[Telecaster68]

@Depressed1980

 

You're far from alone - there are plenty of sexual partners posting in the 'Partners, Friends and Allies' section on this forum, which you might want to read.

 

But a quick Asexuality For Partners #101...

• She may have been apparently sexual earlier on through a combination of trying to be 'normal', enjoying sex as a kind of masturbation but involving someone else's body, and trying for please you. And then as time went on, she just couldn't sustain that effort. 
• She'll never desire you in the way you desire him, and probably never did. That could in theory leave room for compromise if she's able to have some kind of sexual activity for your sake, but it'll be an ongoing stress, and sex will never be joyous and uncomplicated.
• She probably does love you, but sex would detract from the relationship rather than add to it, from her perspective 
• She doesn't owe you sex, but you both owe each other communication. Closing down isn't acceptable, just as it wouldn't be for any other relationship issue. Even if the lack of sex doesn't end the relationship,  the lack of communication will.
• Kids and years of history are probably going to make this a last resort, but if you decided you can't take the situation, splitting up over no sex - every again - isn't shallow or selfish, any more than splitting up over say, your partner deciding never to talk to you again would be.

[James121]

Wow, another very sad but very recognisable situation.

Has your wife admitted she is asexual or could this simply be a very low libido?

 

You say you feel you are above cheating and I totally get that, but no one should be placed in a position where they have to cheat just to have some sex.

 

Why is being sexually faithful so important if being sexual inside the marriage isn’t?

 

 

[Twisters]

@Depressed1980

 

I feel for you, mainly because my situation isn’t that much different. Three kids instead of one, but that’s about it.

 

I just had a first very uneasy conversation with my wife about us not having sex in several years, during which she blamed it on everything and anything. She admitted that it just is not important to her at all. There is no intimacy at all.

 

The straw that broke this camel’s back, and when I realized that something needed to change was when she asked me to sleep in the guest room. That’s when a 💡 went on and I figured out she’s probably asexual.

 

Like you, I don’t want a life without my wife and kids. I think I need to approach this topic very carefully. You blame your wife for being distant. In my situation, since I gave up asking for intimacy, I think she was happy with the situation, not even realizing how much I miss a relationship that involves kissing, hugging and sex. I blame myself as much for this situation evolving as I do her. I have also come to the realization that it isn’t her fault (aside from the fact that she could have been a little more sensitive to the fact that, even though she didn’t need sex, it should be natural in a relationship), not is she going to change.

 

I need a sexual relationships to feel loved, whole and I think it would be so much easier to find that deeper connection in my marriage.

 

My next step is to have her explain to me how she sees the future of the sexual part of our relationship. I think that when she spells it out, she hopefully realizes how one sided the current deal is and that something needs to change. 

 

Reading your story, I believe your wife is a very intelligent lady and that if she spells your situation and her projection of the future out explicitly, she will realize things as well. Obviously it depends on what she and you feel comfortable with what solutions are available.

 

Please keep away from excessive drinking, you are giving her excuses to give priority to a bad symptom rather than the root cause of the problem. Every time you feel like escaping reality, please come here and share your frustrations with people that understand you and will not judge you for your desires.