Questioning my orientation

[SallyStringBass]

Hi AVEN, I'm Sally! I've heard of this website for a while now, and I decided it was high time that I got an account, since I've been identifying as asexual for about three years now. Apologies in advance if I posted this in the wrong place.

 

 

So, a little backstory first. I'm seventeen-and-a-half years old, female, and currently living in a majority conservative Christian region in lower Canada. As such, I never actually knew what asexuality, or any other orientation, actually was until I was thirteen. Since I turned fourteen, I've been calling myself asexual, since I've never really felt anything that I believe resembles sexual attraction. And after thinking it over some more, I decided that I must be aromantic too, due to a lack of a desire for a relationship.

 

 

Additionally, I'm also very contact averse. I feel very unsettled when people touch me without asking first, with the exception of a few close family members. Even hugs are a bit of a problem if I'm not asked. 

 

 

That was all well and good; my prospective orientation seemed to hold water all the way through high school. But recently, I've been spending a lot of time with this sophomore girl named Dani, who's about the same age as me, and... something happened. For reasons beyond my knowledge, I'm up late at night thinking about her, I blush when someone mentions her name, and I feel invigorated and outgoing whenever she's around—which is odd, considering I've always been an introvert. I think I'm in love, to be honest. Not to mention she's bi! My chances are pretty good here.

 

 

But here's the point at which I feel conflicted. I so badly want to ask her out soon, since I'm graduating, and will have all the time in the world to spend with her once finals are over. But I'm still very contact averse. I can't possibly feel comfortable with the obligatory kissing, or god forbid, engaging in sex. Anything else, like holding hands, cuddling, etc., is perfectly fine, I suppose. But beyond that, I freeze up and start to sweat a lot. That can't possibly bode well in a prospective relationship. 

 

 

There's other issues regarding us being together, such as the fact that we both live in disapproving households, but that's besides the point. I'll cross those bridges after I decide if this relationship is something I'd like to pursue. 

 

 

So this is my question. Am I truly in love, and just contact averse? Or am I still aromantic after all? And could I make a relationship work without much physical intimacy (at least for now)? 

 

 

Thanks for your help in advance. I truly appreciate it.

[GiraffeSpots]

Hi, I'm also aromantic asexual and I have also had the "oh shit, am I really?" moment when I felt an instant deep conection to someone in my physics class about 5 years ago. I had no idea what it was at the time, but after a few months of figuring it out, turns out that was a squish - the very insense desire to be somebody's friend. I wasn't very confident making friends which is why I was awkward about it, and wanting to hug someone isn't always a romantic thing. There are loads of terms which could describe what you are feeling, it could be a squish, a squash or a crush. There are loads of grey areas in both the aromantic and asexual umbrellas and that's ok too. I would recomend looking at some of those categories, especially at queer platonic relationships to see what works for you.

 

In a world where people tell us we are wrong about our orientation all the time it is easy to doubt, there is no shame in that. Just remember, the community is here for you and you are valid. Whatever term you identify with is yours, nobody is allowed to take it away!

 

Also, two close females who aren't having sex can possibly get away with "close friends" as a label if that will make they feel safe around their families <3 The closet is a scary place, but there is no need to leave it if you are worried about the outside of that closet even more. I cuddle my bff, we call each other wife and spoon on the sofa - everyone is happy to believe we are not dating or sleeping together.

[SallyStringBass]

3 hours ago, GiraffeSpots said:

Hi, I'm also aromantic asexual and I have also had the "oh shit, am I really?" moment when I felt an instant deep conection to someone in my physics class about 5 years ago. I had no idea what it was at the time, but after a few months of figuring it out, turns out that was a squish - the very insense desire to be somebody's friend. I wasn't very confident making friends which is why I was awkward about it, and wanting to hug someone isn't always a romantic thing. There are loads of terms which could describe what you are feeling, it could be a squish, a squash or a crush. There are loads of grey areas in both the aromantic and asexual umbrellas and that's ok too. I would recomend looking at some of those categories, especially at queer platonic relationships to see what works for you.

 

In a world where people tell us we are wrong about our orientation all the time it is easy to doubt, there is no shame in that. Just remember, the community is here for you and you are valid. Whatever term you identify with is yours, nobody is allowed to take it away!

 

Also, two close females who aren't having sex can possibly get away with "close friends" as a label if that will make they feel safe around their families <3 The closet is a scary place, but there is no need to leave it if you are worried about the outside of that closet even more. I cuddle my bff, we call each other wife and spoon on the sofa - everyone is happy to believe we are not dating or sleeping together.

A squish, hey? I'll have to look into that. Same with queer-platonic relationships—I don't think I've ever checked those terms out in-depth. I guess I'll have to read up more on asexual relationships besides regular dating. Hopefully she'll be willing to give something atypical a shot. Thanks for the advice, my friend! 

 

Haha, that's true! We could quite possibly get away with being besties if we tried. Good tip.