Feelings for an aro/ace friend

[hr2121]

I am posting because I am not sure how to go about the feelings I have for a friend of mine who is  aro/ace. I identify as demisexual and I know that many of my feelings may never be reciprocated which is totally fine. I'm not expecting any reciprocation, I never want her to feel like I think she should share these feelings or that I can be this "exception." She is an amazing person and I am more than happy to just be her friend, but I almost feel dishonest if I don't tell her how I feel or worried that its obvious I am attracted to her. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for how I should handle this. If it will be harder for her to know my feelings, maybe it is more respectful to just not say anything? I care a lot about her and don't want to put her in a position where she feels uncomfortable. She is great and I would never want her to feel guilty or pressured. Help! Thank you. 

[Galactic Turtle]

I guess it depends on what you'd like to accomplish by telling her? I know it makes people feel better in general in the short term to get their feelings out there regardless of what it could result in.

 

At the same time, I'm sure you'll also like other people in the future and maybe not like this friend as much in that way as you do now. It might be more comfortable for everyone involved if you wait until that time to say something. Then you can both laugh about it together (perhaps)!

 

On the other hand, there do seem to be quite a few people who ID as aro-ace who are still down for or even want to be in relationships for whatever list of reasons. There's always a chance she could be that way.

 

As an aro-ace person I would personally prefer not knowing until after the feelings had passed. I'd be flattered either way? But it would be more comfortable for me knowing that the person in question no longer felt that way for me but still cared for me as a friend.

[givememyname]

As an aro/ace I would feel a bit uncomfortable knowing that my friend has romantic feelings towards me. But if you feel dishonest in your friendship, maybe it's better to tell her. Or try to ask her how she feels when people confess their attraction to her, without mentioning your feelings? Maybe she wouldn't think that it is a big deal.

[ArospaceAce]

Hi everyone!  I felt the need to post a reply since after all.... I am the person OP was referring to!  I have to admit, typically I might agree with the two previous responses; after all, a relationship between an aroace person and an alloromantic/allosexual is inherently complex.  However, I couldn't be more happy that she decided to tell me about her feelings.

 

Now I get to call this wonderful, kind, dedicated, amazing girl my partner.  Our relationship is bound to have its complications; it's inevitable considering how fixated our society is on romance and sex, and how sexual my partner as told me she is.  But hr2121 has been absolutely amazing in that regard.  She had originally intended to not complicate our friendship by confessing, but when the feelings just got stronger she decided to tell me... but not before doing her research to learn all she could about asexuality and aromanticism.  She waited to tell me until after we had already been drunk together in order to prove that she could be respectful of my boundaries even when intoxicated,  When she told me she made sure that I had the option of leaving so that I wouldn't feel trapped.  She said that she valued our friendship more than anything, and if I didn't return her feelings that was fine and she just wanted me in her life in any capacity. 

 

Honestly, initially the thought of being in a relationship scared me.  Not just the risk of being pressured into something I wasn't comfortable with (since I'm sex-repulsed), but I also wasn't really convinced that anyone would be willing to give up both sex and romantic love to be with me.  But as she was confessing, I couldn't help but think that she is exactly what I would want in a partner: we're both passionate about the same things, and are supportive and care about each other.  I decided that if she was willing to try then so was I.  We've had so many conversations - both before we started dating and afterwards - about boundaries, what makes me (and her) uncomfortable and what we can do in order to respect each others feelings.  We have safe-words, complete open-communication, and an established no-judgement environment for our talks.  We've agreed that I should be the one to initiate intimate contact - like holding hands or cuddling - since I'm the one with more physical boundaries.  She has assured me multiple times that even though she is a very sexual person, the thought of doing something that makes me uncomfortable is repulsive to her, and that she always wants me to feel safe to immediately tell her if I don't like something.  All this has helped build an emotional, intellectual, and sensual intimacy that neither she nor I have ever had with anyone before.

 

Just like any healthy relationship, there is a give and take.  She willingly makes more compromises in sexual- and romantic-related things to ensure that I feel safe and respected, and I make more compromises in other areas of our relationship because I know that it makes her feel safe and respected as well.  She supports me and my sexual boundaries, and I support her different areas that she needs me to.

 

I'm not saying that everyone's situation would turn out the way ours did.  I honestly don't think this could have worked out if she wasn't so incredibly respectful, self-aware, and willing to do the research in order to keep me physically and emotionally safe.  However, I hope that anyone reading this who may be in the same situation can be encouraged that a relationship is entirely possible, providing that the same kindness, love, open-communication, and complete respect is there.

 

Sincerely,

a happy aro/ace girlfriend

[AbyssGaze]

I'm glad you could be able to sort it out, I hope you'll happy together!