Jump to content

"No strings attached" kissing.


words are futile devices

Recommended Posts

words are futile devices

Last night, I made out with a guy in my car. A guy whom I met for the first time a little over a week ago. This is a first for me, kissing a near-stranger, and I’m still in a bit of disbelief that it happened… that I let it happen. And that I wanted it to happen. Less shocking is the way I felt throughout the experience – which was, well, pretty much nothing. It really didn’t affect me one way or the other. I just recall my thoughts going something like, ‘Oh, his tongue is in my mouth. Yep, it’s in there. What do I do with it? Uhh, do I put my tongue in his mouth now? Ehh that’s not gonna happen. Oh, he’s kissing my neck now. Is this supposed to be a turn-on? Where do I put my hands? Okay he’s sucking on my earlobe. His breath is really warm. His tongue is practically inside my ear now. I wonder if he can taste earwax. I’m kinda of bored with this… would it be rude to pull away?’

 

How did this even come about? Like I said, we met last week, through a work thing. He immediately took a liking to me, in the sense that he flirted with me the entire first morning we worked together. At first I had absolutely no idea how to handle it, but eventually I began to play along. The truth is, I find him cute and charming, even though the excessive sweet talk is eyeroll-inducing to me. I tried to gauge what I was feeling for him. I’m certain that there is no romantic attraction, zero desire to date or have a relationship. And I’ve made that clear to him as well. We had a long conversation over text a few nights ago wherein I told him under no uncertain terms that I don’t want a relationship, I’m not a romantic person, and I wanted to know his true intentions with the flirting. He said he had no end goal in mind, was not trying to start anything, and that he was just having fun and hoping for nothing more than to possibly make out one day. This got me thinking, huh, okay… why don’t we try it? He’s cute and I’d kind of like to kiss his face. If there’s no risk of any feelings being hurt, or either party feeling led on, then why the hell not? It was a brand-new experience, and kind of exciting in theory, being able to share a bit of noncommittal physical closeness with someone.

 

And so it happened, and I don’t regret it really, but I also don’t know if I want it to happen again. There were moments in-between the kissing where we just sat there holding hands and talking, and I enjoyed those times tremendously more than the actual kissing. I’m not sure what I expected or hoped to feel. I just thought maybe, since I did find him physically attractive, and I truly wanted to have a sensual experience with him, that making out would feel more… natural? But, like the other few times I’ve been kissed, it was strange and awkwardly slow-paced and seemed anti-climactic, almost. He asked afterward, via text, what I’d thought of it, and I was 100% honest with him. I even told him I’m asexual which is most likely why the experience wasn’t a turn-on and didn’t make me want to go any further than we did. He responded by basically asking me not to “close everything out so soon,” I guess meaning to keep an open mind. Not sure what to think about that.

 

I guess my point in writing all of this was to see if any of you have ever dabbled in casual dating or no-strings-attached situations, and how those experiences played out for you. Is it stupid of me to be doing this with a clearly sexual person? I’m thinking this morning that I should maybe end this. I do enjoy being around the guy, but again… my feelings are not at all romantic. And I suspect he’s going to want to take things in a more sexual direction if we continue, which is not what I want. 

 

Thanks for reading, and any input is much appreciated. ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross

Just like the infamous song "I got no strings to hold me down, to make me fret or make me frown" (which is the first that I thought of) there isnt really anything that dictates that you should repeat the situation if you dont have any desire to do it.

 

Often, first time experiences are alarmingly confusing and we're all too quick to try to fit it into the box of acceptable behaviour which is often based on social expectations.

 

My take is that if you dont see yourself enjoying it, dont do it again; same thing if its the other way around.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've done a lot of casual dating in the past few years. I play along for a while, because I find the guy interesting and I want to get to know him better. Usually, if I go out on a date is because I enjoy talking to him. So we have long, engaging conversations, and when he eventually wants to make out I do kiss him back, but I can totally relate with your experience. I don't feel anything, I don't really like kissing so most of the time I awkwardly start talking my way out of it. I can imagine how frustrating must be for a sexual guy to go out with me.

Most of these dates used to happen before I came to terms with my asexuality. But since then I went on a couple dates with guys who were obviously very interested in having sex. I don't know, chatting and flirting is something can do, when it comes to making out I have now very little tolerance, I'd rather do anything else, really. So the moment these two guys made the move it was also the last time I went on a date with them. I didn't feel anything particularly strong for them, so I didn't mind ending things there. The main reason I did date them was because I wasn't sure if anything more “romantic” might have eventually (magically) happened, and I don't like regretting things later. ^_^

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

He said he had no end goal in mind, was not trying to start anything, and that he was just having fun and hoping for nothing more than to possibly make out one day.

If you believe that, I've got this really cheap bridge that I wanna sell you...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hermit Advocate
10 hours ago, words are futile devices said:

He asked afterward, via text, what I’d thought of it, and I was 100% honest with him. I even told him I’m asexual which is most likely why the experience wasn’t a turn-on and didn’t make me want to go any further than we did. He responded by basically asking me not to “close everything out so soon,” I guess meaning to keep an open mind. Not sure what to think about that.

It sounds to me like he wants the possibility of sex (or maybe a relationship?) in the future. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

The ear is supposed to be like, a "zone" or something. (People like to "educate" me on these things, first time that's ever come in handy is now.) I won't TMI you, but it isn't just a "turn on" point, it's a sex act. It's really dodgy that he went there when you said you were not up for sex, kind of like guys who convince their girlfriends that certain acts don't "count" and to get on with it.

 

I think it was very open of you to try something you were curious about, you are not stupid, but this guy sounds dangerous. You told him your orientation, his reply "asking me not to “close everything out so soon,”" suggests he thinks he can change that. Considering the acts he has already done to your ear, I imagine his method for changing might be along the lines of corrective rape. That's not a sure thing, he may be a perfectly nice person, but maybe if you do decide to do things with him again learn a couple of rape defence moves? I learnt some on Valentines day and it was super fun, fairly easy, only took a couple of hours at a class. It is not your responsibility to stop these things from happening, if he tried anything he would be the one in the wrong, but I'm more for prevention than punishment. I hate the idea of you being hurt by someone you care about! (Or by anyone!)

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, GiraffeSpots said:

The ear is supposed to be like, a "zone" or something. (People like to "educate" me on these things, first time that's ever come in handy is now.) I won't TMI you, but it isn't just a "turn on" point, it's a sex act.

I have to disagree here...kissing someone's ear is not a "sex act". Yes, the ear is an erogenous zone, and yes, kissing someone's ear is considered a turn on to many people, but it can also just be a sensual thing. 

 

I don't see him as a potential rapist and I think it's wrong to even suggest that if he's not one. (Regardless the suggestion to take self defense courses is a good one either way, highly recommend it!) 

 

Yes, he might have been trying to turn you on kissing your ear, but unless he was trying to put his hands down your pants I don't think he sounds dangerous.

 

However, his comments about not "closing everything out" makes me think he probably does hold out hope that you'll want to move on to a sexual relationship eventually. It sounds like he doesn't truly understand what asexuality is either, likely he sees it more as abstinence or a temporary thing. Instead of saying "I'm asexual" when he's probably never heard that term before, I would be very clear and tell him you're just not interested in sex in any capacity and you don't see it changing anytime soon, and if he wants a relationship he has to accept a sexless relationship. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
words are futile devices
4 hours ago, GiraffeSpots said:

The ear is supposed to be like, a "zone" or something. (People like to "educate" me on these things, first time that's ever come in handy is now.) I won't TMI you, but it isn't just a "turn on" point, it's a sex act. It's really dodgy that he went there when you said you were not up for sex, kind of like guys who convince their girlfriends that certain acts don't "count" and to get on with it.

Huh... I didn't realize the ear was an erogenous zone. Not in defense of him pushing any boundaries, but I didn't bring up asexuality until after the making out happened... but, still, 'making out' is all that we'd agreed to. Whatever that entails. He didn't get handsy or anything, so I just sort of let him have his way for a few minutes, despite not getting much out of the experience. Later on he did ask if it turned me on or got my mind wandering, and I admitted that it didn't. Of course I barely know him, so I couldn't say with all certainty what his actual hopes are with how far we'd potentially go, but I do somewhat fear that he would push past the limits of what I'm comfortable with. And if that were to happen I would stop him, and I believe... certainly hope, anyway... that he'd respect my wishes. He has reassured me more than once that we won't do anything I'm not into. I appreciate your concern for me, and the self-defense class really is a great idea! I should look into that, regardless of whether I ever decide to see this guy again. 

 

21 hours ago, Hermit Advocate said:

It sounds to me like he wants the possibility of sex (or maybe a relationship?) in the future. 

You may be right about that... let's just say I don't think he would say no (to sex at least) if I was willing.

 

22 hours ago, Philip027 said:

If you believe that, I've got this really cheap bridge that I wanna sell you...

I just want to believe that people ever actually mean what they say, ha. The reason I think he's serious about not wanting to start a relationship, at least, is that he's moving overseas in a couple months. It would be silly to start dating someone local only to move thousands of miles away a few weeks later. 

 

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses! You've made some great points and I'm taking everything into consideration. There's a really good chance I'm just going to text him and tell him we shouldn't continue this. I tried, anyway... not super interested in doing it again, much less taking it any further. 

 

This has helped me sort out my feelings; thank you again. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Huh... I didn't realize the ear was an erogenous zone.

Yeahhh, it can be.  Speaking from personal experience, anyway :redface:

 

It's still probably not the sort of thing that should be assumed for everyone, though...

 

Plus it's pretty clear that you don't have any "real" feelings toward this guy, so that will likely already dull whatever it is you do experience.

 

Quote

I just want to believe that people ever actually mean what they say, ha. The reason I think he's serious about not wanting to start a relationship, at least, is that he's moving overseas in a couple months. It would be silly to start dating someone local only to move thousands of miles away a few weeks later. 

I see.  For most people, that's probably a fair enough reason.

 

Me, I never would have minded a distanced relationship (they are all I've ever had), but I'm not exactly as physical of a person as I suspect most people are.  Like this guy in particular.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, words are futile devices said:

It would be silly to start dating someone local only to move thousands of miles away a few weeks later. 

 

He may be thinking that a sexual affair for a few weeks would be nice.   

Link to post
Share on other sites

When someone is really in to someone else - as this sweet-talking charmer may be in to you - it's really easy to ignore the text that says "this never going to happen" and to focus on all of the things that suggest otherwise (flirting, holding hands, making out, etc.). Not that you have done anything at all wrong - it's 100% within your right to have fun with this kind of thing, especially since you've set boundaries and you intend to stick to them. Just, from the other guy's perspective, I could easily see how even though you've been very clear about where you stand, it could still leave him hoping for more.

 

Also, I second that ear-kissing is not a sex act. Sensual, yes - but it wouldn't be a tongue in there that would make it a sex act. :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
EveningWonder17

I actually did the 'no-strings attached' kissing recently too, it was with a complete strange outside a bar who I'd only met a few hours prior. I wouldn't say I was shocked or anything that I did it though, I was actually pretty happy about it since it's something that is completely out of my comfort zone. I admit, though, that I was drunk at the time it happened and that it wouldn't have happened otherwise. And I wasn't drunk enough to want to continue kissing him either,I made an excuse that a guy was watching us so we would stop.  But I wasn't disgusted by it surprisingly, in fact I felt nothing at all for the kiss itself, just happy that I'd finally done something that a lot of people my age were and have been doing for years as I'd often be the odd one out when it came to relationships and boys. 

 

Afterwards I left pretty early that night and the guy tried to get in the taxi with me but my cousin pulled him away.  He contacted me two days later, which I was surprised about, since it's pretty common here to kiss someone on a night out and to never see or hear from them again. I didn't really like him though, especially since after I'd left he started to brag about it and caused a fight amongst my friends, so  I didn't reply, 

 

I think the guy you're talking to definitely wants more than just kissing you to be honest. If it was me I'd probably call it off as I wouldn't be comfortable casually dating or kissing someone I didn't have feelings for, but it's ultimately your call.

Link to post
Share on other sites
words are futile devices
22 hours ago, Sally said:

He may be thinking that a sexual affair for a few weeks would be nice.   

Completely understandable. He will have to look elsewhere if that is the case. 

 

8 hours ago, Chimeric said:

When someone is really in to someone else - as this sweet-talking charmer may be in to you - it's really easy to ignore the text that says "this never going to happen" and to focus on all of the things that suggest otherwise (flirting, holding hands, making out, etc.). Not that you have done anything at all wrong - it's 100% within your right to have fun with this kind of thing, especially since you've set boundaries and you intend to stick to them. Just, from the other guy's perspective, I could easily see how even though you've been very clear about where you stand, it could still leave him hoping for more.

 

Also, I second that ear-kissing is not a sex act. Sensual, yes - but it wouldn't be a tongue in there that would make it a sex act. :lol:

You make a really good point. I'm sure he hopes I'm exaggerating about the asexual thing, haha. If only he knew how many years it's taken me to come to terms with who/what I am and what I want - and more specifically, don't want. I shall have to dash any hopes he may have. :ph34r:

 

It's been three days since we kissed and since we last spoke, I haven't texted him or vice versa. I may just wait and see if he ever tries to contact me again, at which point I'll call it off. Otherwise, maybe we just won't speak again? And I feel like that would be okay. Our time working together is done, it was a temporary assignment, so it's not like I'll awkwardly run into him in the future.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...