Pity as violence

[everywhere and nowhere]

Usually there is a distinction between pity and sympathy - the former is defined as much more condescending, even in a way aggressive. But people sometimes use even theoretically very well-meaning words such as "sympathy" for what is in fact verbal aggression. I have experienced this vis-a-vis my asexuality, I have seen this kind of statements towards asexual people in general, I have also received words such as "I feel sorry for you that you can't enjoy alcohol" (note: I feel extreme dislike for its taste, and while I have never been drunk, whenever I can see or hear drunk people, I just can't imagine why should I desire such a state. However, I remain interested in some other kinds of consciousness alteration - particularly, or rather almost exclusively, those provided by psychedelics).

How do you feel about it? Don't you agree that pity or even (seeming?) sympathy can be used as a tool of violence? It can be an act of verbal violence towards groups which are marginalized in different ways (even in relatively minor cases such as people who don't share a very widespread hobby), which also why majorities are often excused for using this kind of rhetoric. but when members of minorities provocatively say that they feel sorry for majorities, their statements are perceived as extremely inappropriate...

[Mezzo Forte]

Oh god, pity can definitely be used as a form of violence. Hell, it's one of the major tactics TERFs use to dismiss trans men and it's pretty fucking disgusting. It's invalidating, infantilizing, and often demonstrates a huge lack of empathy for people whose perceptions/experiences differ from your own. I try so goddamn hard to understand why people with radically different beliefs than my own developed such a perspective. Empathy and understanding are super important to me. However, TERFs, especially the ones who use pity tactics, they just leave me sick to my stomach and seething with anger.

 

PS on the alcohol note, fuck anyone who uses pity/guilt tactics to convince you to try any form of recreational drug. They don't know who has alcohol abuse run in their families. They don't know who is on medications that don't mix with alcohol. They don't know whose bodies can't tolerate the stuff. They don't know whose minds react in what ways to the stuff and whether or not those reactions are safe. I remember in my early days of college, I befriended a grad student who had about as healthy of an attitude toward drinking as it could get, and he told me "if you ever decided to drink and anyone ever tries to goad you into drinking more, stop drinking for the rest of the event. Even if you would have drunk the stuff anyways, stop drinking. Never let anyone pressure you into drinking and make sure to show that you're serious about that." If alcohol isn't your thing, these people in your life should respect that and back off, but they're clearly showing their lack of empathy and ability to comprehend perspectives other than their own by making the dismissive comments that they have. You do you.

[Snao Cone]

Pity can be used as a dehumanization tool, certainly. Pitying someone implies that they're pitiful. Sympathizing is less condescending, but sympathy that wasn't asked for is basically pity. If someone feels sympathy where it's not asked for, I would hope that they'd be open to listening to the person's perspective and come to a respectful understanding of differences. If not, I don't see it serving any purpose other than justifying a smug sense of superiority in shallow people.

 

On the alcohol note, as a drinker myself I have grown to absolutely hate the attitude that pressures other people to drink and think it's a required ingredient to a fun time. The approach to bonding with people that relies on pressuring them to do what you're doing, or taking any "no" as a sign that it's your obligation to get them to change their mind, is detrimental and it literally kills people.