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Possibly aromantic?


AConfusedUnicorn

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AConfusedUnicorn

I have no clue if I'm doing this right :-

 

 

Okay, so, go ahead and prepare yourself from what's more than likely an unnecessarily long story. I mean, if I were you I might even grab some popcorn.

 

First things first, I'm fourteen (fifteen in August, woo). I don't normally share my age online, but for once I have to due to the nature of my question. Is it too young for me to know whether or not I'm aroace?

 

Now, before you answer, hear me out.

 

*Sips tea and takes a seat in a giant chair*

 

I learned about sexuality in the seventh grade. I have no clue whether or not that's late, but whatever, it's not like I can go back and time and teach it to myself at an earlier age. If I'm not mistaken, that was the year gay marriage was legalized. Now, see, at the time, I had a friend who identified as bisexual (who later found out she's a lesbian to no surprise from me), and she sort of explained the whole same sex attraction thing. I had always assumed I was straight because I never considered that option. That being said, I never really thought about sexuality. I was basically told I was straight and accepted it because I had seen no reason not to. I mean, it's no big deal, right?

 

Wrong. Apparently sexuality is a huge deal, oops. After that year, however, I once again forgot about sexuality. Until I became a K-Pop stan (yes, I am as crazy as the stereotype suggests). I'm biologically female (as I'm sure you could tell by my speech habits), and a male group is what got me into K-pop so I never really considered female groups. Ha, that lasted all of three days. Let me tell ya something: females are attractive. Very. Very. Attractive. This resulted in me questioning my sexuality.

 

My thought process went a lot like: "Whoa, they're beautiful. Wait, am I attracted to females? What?? I never considered that?? I just assumed I was straight?? Why had I never noticed how much I like looking at females?" After that, I pretty much went through every option under the sun. For over a year, whenever the topic of sexuality was brought up, I simply explained that I had no idea if I was bisexual, or gay, or pansexual. I figured I wasn't gay, but I also knew I wasn't sexually attracted to females.

 

I figured that out after having a conversation with my friends about vaginas and penises, during which I realized I actually find vaginas incredibly disgusting. Erm, no offense to those vagina lovers out there. I just personally don't want to be near one (which is complicated because I have one myself *insert awkward laughter*). Now, I also knew one more thing.

 

In terms of sex, I would not be at all submissive. In fact, I'm not submissive in any aspect of my life. I don't do submission. I've often been compared to males (because pffsh, stereotypes) due to my...assertive nature. I figured that if I were to ever have sex with anyone no way would they be calling any shots (makes for a hard time when actually finding a partner, I'm sure). I figured if I didn't find someone willing to give up control, I'd suck it up and just not have sex. This soon led to me realizing I actually just didn't want anything in me at all. The thought of a penis inside me honestly makes me wanna barf. I find it highly disgusting. I simply attributed all this to my struggle with giving up control, though I have no clue why I have such a problem. 'Tis not like I've ever been abused or anything, so *shrugs*. I'm just a control freak, I guess. But back to the subject at hand.

 

To cut this long story short, one of my best friends confessed to me. Before then, I'd already been questioning aromanticism (via process of elimination), and I spent nearly a month questioning whether or not I felt the same way. She understood, bless her heart, but of course it made me feel awful so I tried to figure it out as soon as possible. I knew a few things.

 

I knew I loved her to death. I knew I would die for her, and I knew I would die if I ever lost her. She'd talk about things like wanting to hold my hand, wanting to come home to me and kiss me, wanting to go on the cheesy dates out of movies, and the thought would sound nice. I wanted that a lot; I just wasn't feeling it. In theory, I'd love it, but when thinking about making it a reality, I kind of froze. It made me uncomfortable imagining kissing her, and though I'm very touchy with the people I trust, I realized I didn't really want to do anything that would typically be seen as romantic. After that, I officially declared myself as aroace, but it seems I'm questioning it again.

 

I've spoken to my parents about it as I've a very close relationship with them and trust them, and I've gotten the typical, "It's just a phase!" answer. I don't mind, of course, because I recognize that it could definitely change in the future, but I'm also kind of uncomfortable with the thought of dating anyone now. I used to question whether or not I had a crush on people daily, but then I'd imagine kissing them or just generally being in a relationship with them and immediate disgust, no matter the person. I don't feel anything else fits, but I get attached to things incredibly easy, so I'm just wondering the likelihood of me being genuinely aromantic (and asexual) before I end up getting comfortable with the label. I've never been able to help the fact that though I seem detached, I get invested in things (e.g. learning everything about them) and people, and I honestly don't really feel like going through that whole cycle again if it seems like it'll change within a day. Immature? Most likely. 

 

I never really cared about labels, and I still don't, but for once I feel as if something actually suits me. I tried on so many different ones and all of them felt ill-fitting, but this one finally seems accurate. That being said, if it changes, I'll likely get over it and attach myself to something else, but honestly, I'm just curious.

 

I'll go ahead apologize for the excessive length as well as commend you if you've made it this far. Please give your opinion (all are welcome as long as they're said in a respectful way and without the intent to start anything stupid). Thanks for wasting time out of your day to read this!

 

..This was a lot longer than I thought it would be (and I took y'all around the world, but I'm too lazy to erase it all). Yikes.

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Hey AConfusedUnicorn

 

Welcome to AVEN! And may I say, the way you have structured this post is rather beautiful. However let's not waste time and get into your dilemma.

 

The standard definition of aro ace is: no experiences of romantic or sexual attraction. It's 100% normal to question your sexuality, even after you thought you had confirmed it. I'm 23 and I go through this train of thought daily.

 

Age 14 is quite young but I would never say people are "too young" to know their own sexuality. Asexuality can be a little tricky to comprehend though because you think, how can I know I don't feel sexual attraction when I don't even know what it is??? As you get older your sexuality may develop into something different. Asexuality is an umbrella term, there are things such as demi and grey-ace which fall under it. Later in life you may come to discover that you one of those as opposed to being 100% asexual, leave some room for yourself just in case you start to feel something new develop out of being an adolescent.

 

People who often feel "ew" about sex, e.g. insertions of male bits and bobs into female hoohas (like you mentioned), are usually "sex-repulsed." But you never know, one day someone incredibly charming may throw a magical stone at your window and change you, it honestly depends on the individual you are dealing with.

 

I am very similar to you, in theory relationships and sex sound desirable but if the reality is offered I also freeze. But remember, you are young and are yet to flourish into your full self so don't restrict yourself with labels. It's okay to be confused with the way we feel and often to find out exactly what we are feeling, we need to test our boundaries.

 

For a 14 y/o you sound very mature and put-together! I hope you found yourself at home on this site (: Best of luck!

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Galactic Turtle

Hello and welcome to AVEN! ^_^

 

I guess I'd like to start off by saying that 7th grade is definitely not late to learn about asexuality. I didn't even know what homosexuality was until 8th grade, asexuality not until my last two months of college. I'd also like to say that at the age of fourteen, I stumbled upon the K-pop group TVXQ, immediately became obsessed, and at age twenty-four am equally obsessed with them yet at the same time identify as aro-ace. I also really love Red Velvet and EXO. My friend who became ABSOLUTE TRASH for the Wonder Girls in 7th grade and never got the hype behind boybands is the most painfully straight person I know (spent three semesters in college stalking the same boy before actually talking to him and her other crushes have always been some level of that extreme). Two fellow Cassiopeia (TVXQ fans) ladies I know have been happily married to each other for three years. This guy I know who would sacrifice his life for Apink, has known he was gay since he was six. The point I'm trying to make here is that while yes, things like K-pop groups might be a rehash of sexuality for a lot of people, but at the same time thinking a group of any gender are absolutely stunning (let's be honest, K-pop idols as a whole are made up to be more beautiful than the average person walking on the street) doesn't necessarily mean you're romantically or sexually attracted to them. I think as a whole it's subconsciously drilled into a lot of people that if they're straight, they shouldn't appreciate or even celebrate the beauty of someone the same sex as them, much less follow all their idol singer activities and value them deeply as people. *gasp*

 

That being said, you're fourteen, things could change. At the same time, I feel exactly the same way about sex and dating a decade later as I did back then. All in all, I think it's not that important to claim a label for yourself. What I think really is important is accepting what you are or are not comfortable with despite what anyone else around you says you should be feeling. A lot of aro people end up in relationships because of stuff like that and a lot of ace people end up in sexual relationships because of stuff like that. You're armed with the knowledge of all these different sexualities at such a young age which means you know that the only real norm that applies to you is your own norm. If someone asks you out and you don't want to date them, saying you're just not interested in them or you're just not interested in dating at all is a perfectly fine response. If it's a friend I understand how (in order to not hurt them as much) saying it's impossible for you to feel that type of way for anyone because you're aromantic might be preferred but it's not necessary. 

 

Privately I refer to myself as aro-ace. I think I fit the description of an aro-ace person because of how it manifests in my real life desires in that I have no desire to be in a relationship now or in the past and I have no desire to interact sexually with anyone now or in the past and I've taken all of this to conclude that it's likely I will continue to feel this way in the future. If I happen to be wrong then that's fine too. Out in the world I make it clear (when necessary) that I'm not interested in these activities. I know what my comfort levels are. I think that's more important than claiming and parading around a label if you don't feel you're at the right place in your life to do so.

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