QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Good day, AVEN It's a bit unbelievable that I've been a member since November but have only now decided to prove that I'm still alive, but hey~ Now, I know that one shouldn't define themselves with labels, but I honestly can't help it. For the past year now, I've started thinking about sexuality and gender a lot more and have realised that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. The only thing that I do know is that I've always felt a bit off since I was a kid. I've always wanted to express myself as something other than 'girl', but not totally 'boy'. I'm the 'both'; the in-between. When I was in my early teenage years, I was considered the closet tomboy. Boyish, but not entirely or overtly masculine. I was that weirdly undefined but it-is-what-it-is eldest child that my parents (well, my dad atleastprobably) secretly hope is not actually gay. Which is strange, since he seems to be accepting of all of our non-straight/binary relatives (especially those from his side of the family). Nevertheless, they've gotten used to my consistent refusal to wear dresses, makeup, heels, or any other traditionally 'feminine' associations. My dad even allowed me to wear a suit for my first prom; now I'm just waiting to see if they'd allow me a second time for our graduation ball this year XD Anyway, the point of all this babble is that I am not entirely sure if I'm just being ridiculous. I genuinely believe that I would be better off if I have a non-gender; some sort of 'other body frame' where you can simply be whoever the hell you want to be. I've been thinking androgynous for a while, but I read that it mostly refers to the appearance and not the gender. Is there anything similar to that? An in-between gender or something? To be honest, life would be a lot easier if we were all born without gender and just choose something (or nothing) when we're older. That would be paradise, or at least, for me it would be. That way, people wouldn't have to deal with all the gender roles and stereotyping and generally putting each other down for something that they were born as. Am I just some girl wanting to be different? I'm well aware that you can be a girl and still be somewhat 'masculine', but the thing is, I don't want to be 'just' a girl (and I mean that in the most non-offensive way possible). I've always admired Mulan ever since I could understand what on Earth I was looking at, and I absolutely adored the fact that, somehow, she's man and woman at the same time. For me, no matter how silly it sounds, Mulan represents complete and utter freedom. To be me. To be whatever or whoever I want to be. I've fantasised and dreamt and wished about something similar for what feels like my entire life, and I honestly don't know how to describe what that feeling is, or even what I'm wanting. All I know is that whenever I look at myself, I am overwhelmed by the desire to not just be the person I'm seeing in the mirror. To chase that fantastical 'in-between', while still being held back by all my doubts and worries and 'what if I don't really want this'. It's... frustrating. I apologise if this post seems pointless or long-winded, but this is pretty much the first time I've actually laid down how I feel in text. Right now, I just feel mildly afraid that I don't really feel this way and that, somehow, I'm just fooling myself to be special. I have no idea what to think or feel, and even if nobody replies to this, I think this would still be catharthic for me. So, thank you, even if you didn't finish reading this. And if you did, please know that I appreciate it very much. If anyone wants to rant as well about pretty much anything and everything, please feel free to do so here. I'm very much willing to listen Thank you once again, and God bless <3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplepassion Posted February 18, 2018 Share Posted February 18, 2018 Congratulations on your very first post, @QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance I don't think it's neither pointless nor long-winded because you made a lot of sense and I'm sure that you have inspired someone with this post. Regardless if people will understand you or not, what's important is that you were able to spill it out and you felt free. I admire you for that Don't get frustrated. Take all the time you need to get to know yourself more. It's always best to take baby steps I believe that you're doing great Good luck and God bless! Link to post Share on other sites
ReyGraves Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 12 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: (well, my dad atleastprobably) secretly hope is not actually gay. Which is strange, since he seems to be accepting of all of our non-straight/binary relatives (especially those from his side of the family). I just wanted to comment that he could hope but then not actually be disappointed if you(?) were gay. Maybe he’s vaugely worried about grandkids or something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 12 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: I've been thinking androgynous for a while, but I read that it mostly refers to the appearance and not the gender. Is there anything similar to that? An in-between gender or something? Androgyne is the gender identity, I guess “version”. 12 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: To be honest, life would be a lot easier if we were all born without gender and just choose something (or nothing) when we're older. Apparently there was an episode of a show about an alien who was coming of age and in their society children didn’t have a gender. This alien finally declared they were neither and apparently the society was super chill with it. (I’m sorry I have no idea what it’s called but it had been mentioned once before in this forum.) 12 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: Right now, I just feel mildly afraid that I don't really feel this way and that, somehow, I'm just fooling myself to be special. Sometimes I feel like this too. But what you’re feeling is valid. Even if it changes, that doesn’t invalidate the past. It’s a journey and each step is meaningful, the one after doesn’t mean the one before wasn’t worth it, in fact that previous step is how you even got to where you are. I wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
K.I.N.G Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 13 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: Right now, I just feel mildly afraid that I don't really feel this way and that, somehow, I'm just fooling myself to be special. I can heavily relate to this and quite a few other of your experiences - don't worry you're fears are natural and even thought i know it can be scare not knowing how youll feel in 5 years, 1 year, a month, next week or even tomorrow focus on the moment and how you feel right now because your feelings are valid no matter for how long or short you feel it. 13 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: Now, I know that one shouldn't define themselves with labels, but I honestly can't help it. For the past year now, I've started thinking about sexuality and gender a lot more and have realised that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. The only thing that I do know is that I've always felt a bit off since I was a kid. I've always wanted to express myself as something other than 'girl', but not totally 'boy'. lol i first hear the word "unisex" when i was nine and from then on i viewed myself as such and then this time last year I literally spent 10 months pondering about my gender and trying to find a label that fit and fell comfortable to me. From what you're saying I can suggest a few gender identities but only you can find what's right for you and also don't be afraid to play around with them and see how they feel and make them fit you rather than trying to fit yourself into a perfect little box. Another thing I can suggest is that you research and find out not only about gender as a whole but as who you are as a person a cheesy as it may sound. Good Luck - hope you find something that make you happy Androgyne: Identifying as a combination of man and woman /feminine and masculine or even Identifying somewhere between masculine and feminine -This doesn't have to be exactly half and half, but can be any combination. People who identify as this gender don't generally fluctuate between man and woman. Non-Binary: 1) identifying as completely off the gender spectrum and not identifying with either of the binary genders. 2) identifying as neither 100% male or 100% female but sitting somewhere in between with that sometimes fluctuating in cases for example of people who identify as genderfluid. Link to post Share on other sites
QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance Posted February 19, 2018 Author Share Posted February 19, 2018 On 2/18/2018 at 7:46 AM, purplepassion said: Congratulations on your very first post, @QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance I don't think it's neither pointless nor long-winded because you made a lot of sense and I'm sure that you have inspired someone with this post. Regardless if people will understand you or not, what's important is that you were able to spill it out and you felt free. I admire you for that Don't get frustrated. Take all the time you need to get to know yourself more. It's always best to take baby steps I believe that you're doing great Good luck and God bless! Thank you for replying, and for taking the time to read through my rambling XD I also appreciate the kind words and advice; I wish you all the best too purplepassion! And God bless as well On 2/18/2018 at 6:38 PM, ReyGraves said: I just wanted to comment that he could hope but then not actually be disappointed if you(?) were gay. Maybe he’s vaugely worried about grandkids or something ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I sure hope so I suppose it was a natural reluctance on their part, considering that I'm their 'unica hija'. And considering that grandkids are also something that I think I'd like in the future (from my own children or otherwise), perhaps I shouldn't be so weirded out after all. I guess I just remembered that one time I had enough clueless to ask my dad as a kid if I could be a 'tomboy' (which sounds kind of hilarious now that I think about it) and he pretty much said no XD It does seem like things have changed since then. On 2/18/2018 at 6:38 PM, ReyGraves said: Androgyne is the gender identity, I guess “version”. So I've read Of course, I have you and i am just Me to thank you for that, so thank you! Immediately after posting this, I actually went and looked up anything that even mildly resembles what I'm searching for, and was absolutely astounded by the amount of people who feel the exact same thing. To be honest, I felt like an absolute idiot while scrolling through the numerous experiences that, in some way, reflect mine. I guess I probably should have looked things up a bit more before posting, but I also do not regret doing so. In a weird, semi-redundant way, I suppose this is my mini-version of finally poking my head out of the ground On 2/18/2018 at 6:38 PM, ReyGraves said: Apparently there was an episode of a show about an alien who was coming of age and in their society children didn’t have a gender. This alien finally declared they were neither and apparently the society was super chill with it. (I’m sorry I have no idea what it’s called but it had been mentioned once before in this forum.) I would love to watch that! I guess I know what I'm looking for later hahaha On 2/18/2018 at 6:38 PM, ReyGraves said: Sometimes I feel like this too. But what you’re feeling is valid. Even if it changes, that doesn’t invalidate the past. It’s a journey and each step is meaningful, the one after doesn’t mean the one before wasn’t worth it, in fact that previous step is how you even got to where you are. I wish you luck! Thank you so much for your reply Rey / Graves / ReyGraves (??) I guess this is all just quite unfamiliar to me, seeing that I basically shut it out of my mind for so long, but I guess I should just see where I'll take me. I wish you all the best as well, and thank you again! <3 On 2/18/2018 at 6:58 PM, i am just Me said: I can heavily relate to this and quite a few other of your experiences - don't worry you're fears are natural and even thought i know it can be scare not knowing how youll feel in 5 years, 1 year, a month, next week or even tomorrow focus on the moment and how you feel right now because your feelings are valid no matter for how long or short you feel it. Thank you for this I'm really glad I was too sleepy to think through posting this yesterday, since I get to finally (and seriously) realise that people change and that it's natural to do so. And that I change and will change too. I don't really know where this first step will take me, but wherever it may be in the distant future, I'm just glad I get to talk to peeps like you guys from such a wonderfully supportive community as AVEN On 2/18/2018 at 6:58 PM, i am just Me said: lol i first hear the word "unisex" when i was nine and from then on i viewed myself as such and then this time last year I literally spent 10 months pondering about my gender and trying to find a label that fit and fell comfortable to me. I can relate XD With everything to think about, trying to find out who you really are and how you really feel inside can be pretty overwhelming. I remember the first time I heard about other non-binary genders and sexualities and feeling absolutely blown away by the simply human amount of diversity and how much it all made sense hahaha I'm just happy that, overall, this journey made me far more open about other people and myself, no matter where it'll take me (label or no label). I could only hope more people would someday say the same On 2/18/2018 at 6:58 PM, i am just Me said: From what you're saying I can suggest a few gender identities but only you can find what's right for you and also don't be afraid to play around with them and see how they feel and make them fit you rather than trying to fit yourself into a perfect little box. Another thing I can suggest is that you research and find out not only about gender as a whole but as who you are as a person a cheesy as it may sound. Good Luck - hope you find something that make you happy Androgyne: Identifying as a combination of man and woman /feminine and masculine or even Identifying somewhere between masculine and feminine -This doesn't have to be exactly half and half, but can be any combination. People who identify as this gender don't generally fluctuate between man and woman. Non-Binary: 1) identifying as completely off the gender spectrum and not identifying with either of the binary genders. 2) identifying as neither 100% male or 100% female but sitting somewhere in between with that sometimes fluctuating in cases for example of people who identify as genderfluid. Thank you so much i am just Me! Right now, I'm just really happy that people actually replied XD Somehow, it made whatever this is a lot more real for me. And it really opened my eyes to so many other people who feel the same. Hopefully, I don't come across as too excited but I'm just absolutely ecstatic about all the possibilities and all the amazingly different people I'm starting to become aware of. To be honest, these past few days, I'm starting to feel more comfortable without neat little labels defining everything I do, so hopefully, even though I may not fully understand what exactly is going on, I'll still be able to move towards that ever coveted freedom of self. That goes for anyone reading this small thread too I wish all of us the best, really, no matter what happens in the future. I also really appreciate the suggestions (as well as the definitions! whew) and I'm happy to say that I think I'm finally heading somewhere XD The terms neutrois, androgyne, non-binary, and agender have all sat in the back of my mind ever since last year, and I think it's finally time I put Google to use Once again, I wish us all bon voyage in this weird, crazy, but nevertheless real journey; binary or non-binary. P.S. I am now 100%, with definite and absolute certainty, going to attend our graduation ball in a fine a** tux XD Link to post Share on other sites
ReyGraves Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 11 hours ago, QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance said: Thank you so much for your reply Rey / Graves / ReyGraves (??) You’re welcome! (lol, Graves is a pseudonym last name I use. Just Rey is fine in the future .) Link to post Share on other sites
QuickSomeoneMakeAnEntrance Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 6 hours ago, ReyGraves said: You’re welcome! (lol, Graves is a pseudonym last name I use. Just Rey is fine in the future .) I’ll keep that in mind thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
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