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Gray-a and bipolar?


km78

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I've been having a hard time figuring out if I am a gray-a. I have Bipolar II, and experience the symptom of hyper-sexuality when I'm cycling. When that happens, I have an overly strong sex drive, feel like I want to "have all the sex!" Despite that, I've never gone on to actually act on it because I know that deep down I don't really want it, so I break out the sex toys and take care of myself to take the edge off.  If I was in a relationship, I might be more willing to act on it, but it might not be different. 

 

When I'm not cycling, the thought of having a sexual relationship is an afterthought, and generally a meh feeling. I'm not repulsed by it, it's just not something I want or need. I still masturbate, and enjoy it, but it's more for the endorphin release so I can fall asleep. I went 16 years between losing my virginity (which I did only because I didn't want to be a virgin anymore) and the next time I had sex, which was again a "because I probably should" situation. I could have not had sex either time and been perfectly fine with it, so long as I had myself. I want a relationship, but more for the emotional intimacy and connection than anything else. All of my fantasies are about intimacy and kissing, but nothing beyond that. 

 

I feel like gray-a fits the closest, but the fact that I have sexual desire so long as it's not with anyone else, is what trips me up. I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on it. Thanks!

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Do you know why cycling turns you on? Like "what's in that activity that makes you feel excited?". It would be very interesting to know. 

I feel the same about wanting a relationship with intimacy and kissing (/romantism), but nothing beyond that.

It's so hard to find someone who's interested in that kind relationship and is not expecting for sex. 

I also feel excited sometimes, but it's more related to visual things and it's not everytime I see them, it's kinda random.

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @km78! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

Have you looked at the distinction between the sex drive (libido), and sexual attraction? There are many aces that masturbate to satisfy their sex drive, but have no desire whatsoever to engage in partnered sexual activities. They're just not sexually attracted to anyone, which is exactly what makes them ace.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Sexual_attraction

 

It's totally up to you to choose your labels. If you think that gray-a fits you, go with that. I'm just saying that based on what you shared with us, you could also be ace.

 

Hope that helps! :cake:

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Ms. Carolynne

Sounds more like a spike in libido, it's happened to me too.

 

There is an orientation, it's name escapes me though, but some people only feel sexaul attraction whilst having an emotional experience. It might be worth a look at one of the lexicons.

 

Edit :

 

Here it is from https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123256-asexuality-sexual-orientation-lexicon-read-me/

 

Ensenisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction and/or desire only when feeling very emotional. The emotions could include sadness, anxiety/fear, anger, jealousy, humiliation, compassion, joy, etc.

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10 hours ago, Rafa said:

Do you know why cycling turns you on? Like "what's in that activity that makes you feel excited?". It would be very interesting to know. 

I feel the same about wanting a relationship with intimacy and kissing (/romantism), but nothing beyond that.

It's so hard to find someone who's interested in that kind relationship and is not expecting for sex. 

I also feel excited sometimes, but it's more related to visual things and it's not everytime I see them, it's kinda random.

That's actually a good question. I'm not turned on by the mania itself, rather it's a chemical thing that is a symptom of it. Essentially, when someone with bipolar disorder is having a manic episode, hypersexuality shows as reckless sexual behaviors and a significantly increased sex drive. For me, it's one of the indicators that I'm cycling up. I've always thought that I had really good self control, but I'm starting to think that I'm just ace enough that it kept me from going out and having a one night stand, or something reckless. 

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10 hours ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @km78! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

Have you looked at the distinction between the sex drive (libido), and sexual attraction? There are many aces that masturbate to satisfy their sex drive, but have no desire whatsoever to engage in partnered sexual activities. They're just not sexually attracted to anyone, which is exactly what makes them ace.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Sexual_attraction

 

It's totally up to you to choose your labels. If you think that gray-a fits you, go with that. I'm just saying that based on what you shared with us, you could also be ace.

 

Hope that helps! :cake:

Thank you for the cake! :)

 

I just read the wiki about primary vs secondary sexual attraction model, that that helped. The secondary desire is there, but the rest is not. I guess I had been leaning toward gray-a because I don't feel as strongly about the lack of attraction and sex as what I've been hearing from others. I see a lot of posts from people who are repulsed by the idea of sex, or even how you said "no desire whatsoever" is stronger language than what I'm experiencing, so that's where I've been getting stuck. I'm not repulsed by it, but I think I'm starting to realize that I'd been working under the idea that the only way to have intimacy is through sex, but they really are separate things for me. I couldn't do without intimacy, but I could do without sex. 

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Hey km78, so I too identify as gray and I am bipolar as well. 

I landed on the gray label because, while my baseline of attraction is meh, and therefore asexual, there have been a few people that have crossed what I am envisioning as a pheromonal threshold and I have found them sexually viable and attractive.

With some of them, I made the mistake of forming traditional relationships. Back then I was unaware of my orientation, and how I am also aromantic, and an introvert, and a bit of a benevolent misanthropist, so took me awhile to realize that coupling, in its socially acceptable form, was unhealthy and detrimental to my general wellbeing.

My gray also comes from me experiencing the rest of the population that I have been exposed to, as utterly unfathomable as sex partners, it is a visceral "NOPE, thanks, I'll pass".  But I am not repulsed or caught in a superiority trip, is just that they are not an option for me.  A metaphor that helps me is that of bee colony collapse, as a reference for how I respond to others, but not in away way saying that our orientation is an illness. 

Now my bipolar, which is indeed an illness, does generate spikes in my libido, similar but more intense to those from to my menstrual cycle; ex. when I ovulate, toys come out and I am off to MPL XXX vids. So I am with you on the two of them (libido and bipolar cycling being intertwined, but for the impact is on my libido and not on sexual attraction because, for me, there is no object to be attracted to, again, because most people are not viable based on that threshold that I experience. 

Glad to be part of these forums, where both similarities and differences make us richer

 

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23 minutes ago, Amperance said:

So I am with you on the two of them (libido and bipolar cycling being intertwined, but for the impact is on my libido and not on sexual attraction because, for me, there is no object to be attracted to

This is what I'm starting to figure out - it's not sexual attraction that's happening because there's no object to be attracted to. I think my active libido is what has kept me feeling like I couldn't identify as any form of ace, not realizing that the fact I don't want to act on it is what makes me ace. I really appreciate these forums as well, because it's so nice to know we're not alone in this! 

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