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How important is aesthetic attraction to you in a romantic relationship?


Clearly~Dust

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To start things off, I am asexual and heteroromantic. In my attempts to date and my reflections on my experiences, I've been thinking a lot about what type of relationship I want and what I need to be present in that relationship. 

 

I've realized that aesthetic attraction is important to me in a relationship, but I feel silly for having that be so important when the type of relationship I want would not involve sex.

 

Like, I want to think my significant other is cute and I want to like the way they look and the way they dress is important to me too. I want to be with someone who will have a similar fashion sense and will appreciate mine. I kind of feel like I am being too picky?? But at the same time, I've tried to force myself to be in relationships with people who I didn't find Aesthetically attractive and that didn't really work out the best. (once before realizing I was Ace and once after). 

 

 

I mainly want to pick the brains of the ace community and see what y'all think/experience in relation to romantic relationships and see how important aesthetic attraction is to you. Does it affect your relationship's the same way? 

 

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Ruru+Saphhy=Garnet

I don't think you are being too picky at all. Many of us have preferences for certain features, etcetera, and that's fine!

Aesthetic and sensual attraction is very important to me. If I had a significant other, I'd want to like the way they look and vice versa.

To others, aesthetic/ sensual attraction  has very little to no importance in a relationship, and that's equally okay! I'm only speaking for myself, of course. :)

 

 

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Fantastic Name

Meh, not really. I'm not a good judge of fashion or beauty. All people just look like people to me, I guess. Well, unless they're wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed in three years (or something else along those lines). Then, it would be important.

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In life, we are entitled to chase what makes us happy or feel fulfilled

To have standards is not wrong. We encounter standards every day in our lives

 

We are allowed to pick a partner who meets whatever requirements we may have

 

Aesthetic attraction is only one aspect of suitability. Aesthetic attraction is also so subjective.

I personally am not interested in women covered in tattoos, bleached hair and 5kg of foundation on their face wearing skimpy clothing. However, other blokes love that sort of thing.

 

You are entitled to whatever will satisfy you, provided it harms nobody else unjustifiably. :)

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It isn't important for me.  If I ever do develop this kind of attraction to someone it's *because* I am romantically attracted to them, and has pretty much nothing to do with how they actually look from an objective sense.

 

I'm only interested in what's on the inside.  If that's beautiful to me, I'll tend to find the whole package beautiful.

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I don't think it's silly.  Aesthetic attraction isn't #1, of course, but it still matters to me personally.   However, like @Philip027 said, I find myself perceiving people as attractive outwardly if I like who they are inside.

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Okay, It makes me feel a little bit better hearing some of you feel the same way I do about aesthetic attraction. I have allo friends who I've talked to about this before and they said stuff similar to what all of you have said, but it just feels better coming from people with the same orientation as myself. It gets so tiring trying to sort out how much an allo person's sexual attraction weights into their experiences and how it would translate to an asexual person like myself. It's nice to not have to do that. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

For me at least, being aesthetically attracted to the person you're in a relationship with is important. I mean, if I'm going to be close to the person a lot and exchanging saliva on the regular, I need to uh, not be grossed out or disinterested in their appearance, lol. Fashion sense isn't horribly important- as long as the person's confident and dressing how they like I'm usually cool with it. I think it depends on the person how picky you are with stuff like that, though. 

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EngineeRaven

Well, I'd say it doesn't matter for me. Usually I first get intellectually/romantically attracted to the person in question, and after that it doesn't really matter how they look, I find them pretty, or whatever the word is. Also I think everybody has beauty in them, we just don't spend enough time looking at them to realize it. :)

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Purple Wanderer

Put simply...    you want what you want

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I like my women on the more lets say muscular and athletic side.  What I like wouldn't be deemed "sexy" by most of society.  I'm 250 and lift and would prefer a woman who can spar with me as an equal.  Lets say 160 would be on the lean side.  A woman who could knock the wind out of me is better than "attractive."

 

I'd love a "fight club" type romance where we just brawl recreationally then have uncomfortable conversations with my Liberal family about why we both have black eyes and fat lips.  "I walked into a door and she walked into the same door, weird coincidence eh?"

 

I'd prefer a relationship where we spar and work out, and eat huge meals, and sleep like rocks.

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HeadIntheGame
On 3/6/2018 at 5:31 PM, Fat Goku said:

I like my women on the more lets say muscular and athletic side.  What I like wouldn't be deemed "sexy" by most of society.  I'm 250 and lift and would prefer a woman who can spar with me as an equal.  Lets say 160 would be on the lean side.  A woman who could knock the wind out of me is better than "attractive."

 

I'd love a "fight club" type romance where we just brawl recreationally then have uncomfortable conversations with my Liberal family about why we both have black eyes and fat lips.  "I walked into a door and she walked into the same door, weird coincidence eh?"

 

I'd prefer a relationship where we spar and work out, and eat huge meals, and sleep like rocks.

You sound like my new king! How refreshing to know it's ok not to like makeup, but value health and fitness more!! 

 

D

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You're definitely not alone. Of course, I like to think that I'm very attracted to personality and values, but I'll admit that aesthetic qualities are fairly important to me too. I really value someone who can dress well (and that doesn't even mean expensive brands or clothes). I also like someone who puts a decent amount of effort into their appearance, whether that means having groomed hair or wearing a light cologne. I think sometimes it's hard so say that looks matter because you don't want to come off as someone who is super shallow and only looking for someone who's "hot" persay. However, I think it's definitely fair to have your preferences when it comes to a potential partner.

 

Just for kicks, some of my preferences include: tall (I'm 5' 2' though, so that's not a huge feat), well-dressed (or at least a unique sense of style), keeps good hygiene, and quite frankly, and tattoos. :) 

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Tasha the demi squirrel

I think it's natural to want to experience aesthetic attraction in a relationship it only becomes "picky" if you make it the number one priority over things like personality and sense of hummour 

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dentedcanoe

If I don't know someone very well aesthetics are more important.  Sometimes I get to know someone and realize I'm attracted to their personality and then aesthetics don't matter so much.  

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I've only been aesthetically attracted to ... 3? people in my life. One is my current partner. One was an ex. And one is a celeb with the nicest eye color. But... yeah. Not important since it's so rare. :D

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Clearly~Dust
On 3/6/2018 at 5:42 PM, artzcat said:

I was just dealing with this recently actually and I realize aesthetic attraction is important to me. It's not the most important thing and a guy i find attractive can easily become unattractive if I don't like his personality. But I at least have to like something about the guy. Something (preferably a few things) about about him has to make me gush about how cute I think he is otherwise it has to be a friendship. 

YES! This exactly. I wanna gush about how cute they are and just love watching them be. Of course, I'm not going to be doing that if they have a rotten personality or we don't mesh well, but that OMG factor needs to be there. 

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I think it's a nice bonus, but it doesn't quite factor into the people I've chosen as partners in the past. Having said that though, it's really nice to be able to look at your partner and think to yourself "damn, s/he's cute!"

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Whatever I feel attracted to in a person matters. I go by wanting the attraction rather than being picky what it is. Usually, what catches my eye about someone will change on better acquaintance. I may find better things to value about them, or princes turn into frogs and I move on. I don't think I've had a single relationship where what initially attracted me about someone remained what I valued most about them once in a relationship.

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I don't think there's anything wrong about looking for beauty. Or what you consider as beauty.

 

On 2/17/2018 at 10:24 PM, krystal~clear~dust said:

but I feel silly for having that be so important when the type of relationship I want would not involve sex.

 

Beauty is not for the sex, beauty is for the mind. Yes, sexual people also look for attractive partners, but in the end it doesn't matter, since sexual pleasure actually doesn't come from the partner's beauty. I've read about that from sexual writers.

 

If anything, being 100% asexual, aesthetic attraction is even more important for me, since it's pretty much all that's left for me (from the physical standpoint, obviously). Sex would never be in the cards for me, so aesthetic appreciation takes that place in my particular brain.

 

The problem is that this further shrinks the pool, since I would need to find someone who's celibate, beautiful and mentally compatible with me at the same time. Rather an unicorn, and pretty much why I've never even considered trying to find her <_<

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  • 1 month later...
Clearly~Dust
On 3/18/2018 at 10:08 AM, Masterman said:

Beauty is not for the sex, beauty is for the mind. Yes, sexual people also look for attractive partners, but in the end it doesn't matter, since sexual pleasure actually doesn't come from the partner's beauty. I've read about that from sexual writers.

 

If anything, being 100% asexual, aesthetic attraction is even more important for me, since it's pretty much all that's left for me (from the physical standpoint, obviously). Sex would never be in the cards for me, so aesthetic appreciation takes that place in my particular brain.

 

The problem is that this further shrinks the pool, since I would need to find someone who's celibate, beautiful and mentally compatible with me at the same time. Rather an unicorn, and pretty much why I've never even considered trying to find her <_<

 

Yeah! Aesthetic attraction really is all that's left on the physical side of it. 

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Most of my crushes have started because I was aesthetically attracted to them.. So it's very important.. I can't like someone if I don't first find them attractive. I have crushes too easily actually and when I do I get too obsessed. Of course I don't want relationships, I'm more into the idea of someone..

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Well I am aro ace so kinda hard for me to have a romantic relationship, but aesthetic attraction is still important to me. I feel like their is such a stigma if you don't like someone's appearance, but liking how someone looks, smells, and dresses when there around me is important still. I'm not saying that they have to be drop dead gorgeous, but just seeing they take care in their appearance  and hygiene is usually enough. Plus the longer you get to know a person the more you find cute quirks that they do that makes them aesthetically pleasing. 

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