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yallie

Help - I think my boyfriend my be asexual.

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yallie

Hello,

I came across this site today because I'm having intimacy issues with my boyfriend.

I've been dating my boyfriend for approximately one year. I feel fulfilled in every aspect of the relationship except physical intimacy. He's kind, caring, empathic, funny, attractive, and we have several common interests and life goals. I think I love him, and he says he feels the same way about me. He's had very limited romantic relationship experience; He's 35 years old and I'm his third girlfriend ( his last relationship prior to me was 7 years ago).

The sexual aspect of relationship progressed very slowly, which was fine as I do not like to rush sex in a relationship. He initated our first kiss and sexual activity, but never took it very far. However, as I began showing interest in sex, my boyfriend became very anxious. He's always been very affectionate and kissed me, embraced me, and touched me frequently. He recently told me that he has a great deal of anxiety concerning sex, and has never been overly interested in sex. We have engaged in sexual acitivity where he has become extremely aroused (including intercourse), but he has never had an orgasm with me or any other woman. He masturbates approximately every other day bringing himself to orgasm. Although his fantasies during masturbation ocassionally take on a sexual theme, he typically fantasizes about an attractive women in a non-sexual situation. He told me that rarely ever thinks about sex, and he never really has. Although, he typically has no problems becoming aroused when we engage in sexual activity, he told me that he starts thinking that he won't be able to orgasm, and then he' s not able to no matter what we do.

I'm not sure whether he fits somewhere on the asexual contuum or if he has performance anxiety or sexual phobia.

He told me that he wants to work on this issue with me, as neither of us will feel fulfilled in our relationship or life if this issue is not worked out. We started to work on it on our own, which seemed to be going farely well until a few weeks ago. Now he's avoiding spending time alone with me, and it's starting to intefere with all the other aspects of the relationship and my self-esteem. He's agreed to see a therapist, but he's putting off making an appointment and he won't talk about this with me.

I'm at a loss for what to do because I love him, but the relationship is deteriorating. I consider myself a sexual person, and have a strong physical and emotional need for physical intimacy in a relationship.

Has anyone ever tried to work on this with a partner in therapy? Is this possible?

Any advice?

Thanks!

-Yael.

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sonofzeal

I think you've come to the right place, it very much sounds like your boyfriend is asexual. Like him, most asexuals masturbate and can get aroused in sexual situations, but also like him their fantasies often don't involve sexual activities. Many engage in intercourse to please their partners, and a number on this forum have reported achieving orgasm, so it's possible your boyfriend's inability in that area stems from a performance anxiety, perhaps caused by insecurity over his asexual nature.

Therapy can help with the anxiety, and with any insecurities underlying it, but make sure the therapist understands that asexuality is a legitimate orientation - many will treat it as a disorder in itself, and that will just make the problem worse. And don't expect him to ever become some wild, passionate stallion in bed, but I think you already know that.

If he's willing to accommodate your need for more than hugs and cuddles, and you're willing to accommodate his lack of interest/desire, I think you guys can work through this.

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inona

I think it depends on how important sex is to you in the relationship. I would not want an asexual relationship, myself.

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