Confused about gender

[SnapperJack]

Hey everyone,

 

I am biologically female and 30 years old. I've been questioning my gender identity for a number of years now and have come to the conclusion that, whilst similar, I don't relate to things like other females do (e.g. I like make up but not *because* I am female). I sort of feel... neutral or like a mix of the two? I'm very feminine but there's also a maleness there, like a 'gay man trapped in a woman's body' (exactly why that is I am unsure but I suspect it might be related to not being able to connect very well with my mum growing up and being overly nurtured and protected by my dad). I accept I am female biologically though and can relate to girls on some level.

 

Growing up, I have always been called Jack and i think that's been the hallmark of my identity. I felt criticised by my mum (and subsequently was not close to her at all) but was very close to my dad and would consciously look to him for support or to boost my own self esteem. I wonder if the 'male' in me is actually him? 

 

I'm feeling very confused because I'm not sure if I'm *genuinely* 'genderqueer' or if it's just because of my experiences and upbringing? How do you tell the two apart? Does anyone have any insight into whether we can 'adapt' our identities? I feel so lost.

 

I have had a LOT of counselling (I have also experienced a lot of anxiety in relationships where I felt 'suffocated' and trapped - I think due to 'people pleasing' and not being true to myself). Unfortunately they never truly listen and always try and get me back to being 'female', which I don't currently feel I am (but I guess I wish I was?)

 

I realise people here are not counsellors but I've read a lot of stuff on here that I can relate to (e.g. feeling neutral or agender) and I'd be extremely grateful for any insight or thoughts on this.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Acing It]

I feel in the middle as well, albeit slightly differently from you and my family history is very different as well. I think that it's very, very difficult to put anything down to just upbringing/experience or what you are born with/nature. Mine has been and is a long route of discovery in which some pieces of the puzzle lock together when you least expect it or long after something has happened. There is always the question of what the big picture looks like and it's a matter of ongoing imagining, changing insight and discovery. My picture changes all the time, and I'm not in my 20s anymore, but that's the only thing it can be. There are a lot of people out there, I have the impression, who have a lot of congruence in their lives between who they feel they are and where they belong, who they are physically and what the world and society sees in them and expects from them. I/we don't have that and the only way to deal with this is in some way and to some extent accept this incongruence and use it as a positive. I know for a fact that, however difficult my life sometimes is, I have insights that other people can't dream of having, especially when it comes to gender and the sexes. These often put me at odds with the people and world around me, though.

I think that, when we're in a relationship, the other person has a view of how the relationship and we would ideally be and if that gets challenged, they try and pull us back into where they were hoping we would be. This is not malicious, but just human nature I think. (If it is manipulative and malicious, it's time to get out!!). This puts us at odds with them and their expectations but that doesn't mean that we or anyone is 'wrong' as a person. This is the same with counsellors, I'm afraid. However much they need to be neutral and listening, they are only human and come with their own set of often unconscious biases and presumptions. I've been there before with them. It's the same with medical staff. In fact, in the UK it's worse since they don't have time for anything anymore, if you get to see a doctor in the first place.

On the other hand, everyone is a mix of male and female, even if it doesn't look like someone is. Please, don't be too hard on yourself, it's absolutely normal to feel that mix. Some do so more than others and we may feel that more at some times than at other times. In my experience, people who are more in line with their birth sex don't really ( or really don't?) understand. The best we can do is be honest with ourselves and not to stop exploring and discovering.

I would also say, be careful with labels. We don't have to attach a label to everything and it's ok not to have a label at all. I do understand it makes people feel connected and 'at home', though. You don't have to accept other people's labelling and comments either, though you may do to their face to make things easier. Others will always have an opinion and the best you can do is weight it up with what you truly know about yourself and accept, wholly or in part, or reject it, wholly or in part. Use it to learn, explore and discover and adapt any labels you take on as you see fit.

Know that you're not alone and take good care of yourself. x

[SnapperJack]

Hi Acing it,

 

Love your profile pic! Sorry for the late reply. I just wanted to say thank you for your response. I think a problem I run into is I tend to play up to what other people want, when this isn't necessarily how I feel or who I am. Easier said than done I know.  I never thought of seeing it as a positive, I will try and do that.

 

I also take your point on about trying not to stress about labels (as tempting as it is). 

 

Thanks for your reply x