What am I feeling?

[Happily Alone]

I don't think I'm like a normal person. Perhaps I may be a late bloomer but I just don't feel I'm like that. Love seems scary and I hope I never fall in love. And sex disgusts me. Kisses (relationships in general to be honest) are cute on other's but I can't imagine myself kissing anyone. I've always thought platonic relationships were much more worth the while. I feel aesthetic attraction (though it's sort of rare), ship people and am attracted to fictional characters and idols (although I wouldn't want to have sex or get into relationship with them actually and it's more of an admiration mixed with aesthetic attraction). 

 

But, recently I've made a guy friend and at first I thought "okay, admittedly he's pretty cute and he's fun to be around and is able to make me laugh", but soon after we began hanging out people started saying how he liked me, how I liked him, how we look cute together, stuff like that. At first it was normal because I have guy friends and have been teased a lot but we both ignored it. But then I got a note written saying how he liked me, and I initially freaked out because an ex-guy friend used to like me and gave me a note (he eventually stalked me a little) and I was NOT about to repeat what had happened. Then he said his friend wrote it as a joke, and another guy friend said that their friend wrote it too, so I believed it. The guy asked me how I felt about it, although my friend was there and she cut in (probably trying to save me since I wasn't sure what to say). Anyway, this girl said he liked me and at one point when I was near him she was like "see, I told you" then asked if I liked him. I ran off, flustered with nothing really to say.

 

I'm not even sure how I feel about him. I've had a 'crush' on a guy before, but looking back on it I totally didn't want to be involved with him romantically/sexually and just wanted to hug him. So it was some platonic thing probably? 

 

I told my friends and keep trying to tell myself I only platonically like him and just want to be super close friends. But I think somewhere in the back of my mind I'm wondering if that's really true and I'm just trying not to admit it to myself. Because when I'm thinking about him or am near him, I can feel my chest pounding a little and I get this warm feeling of butterflies. And I always find myself smiling when I think of him. I don't want to date anyone at the moment, but sometimes I think if he asked me I wouldn't reject him straight away. And if it was in the future, I feel like I'd maybe give it a go. Just to see what it's like. Maybe. I don't want to kiss him, but I wouldn't mind doing things that COULD be considered platonic but also romantic (hugging, comforting, sleeping on his shoulder/him sleeping on mine). I like being around him, and I find myself staring at him unintentionally. I've seen him with another girl once and they seem close, and I'll be honest and say I felt a little tinge of jealousy/envy. 

 

Do I like him romantically or is it just some sort of a platonic crush that's quite intense?

 

I'm not even sure. I'm so confused. 

[Beaver Boy]

Welcome to AVEN! Have some cake:

 

I can relate to how you feel. I think I get crushes too, but maybe not as frequently or in the same way as most people. Have you heard of the term akoiromantic? It means you feel romantic attraction, but you don't want it reciprocated (repulsed or indifferent to romantic attraction being reciprocated). I'm not sure about myself. I think I'm akoiromantic or aromantic.

[Happily Alone]

Oh wow I've never heard of that term! It sounds so... relatable. It does seem like akoiromantic. I think I'm indifferent to romantic attraction being reciprocated. Or maybe I do want my feelings to be reciprocated, just for some reason I don't want to date. But yeah, maybe I'm akoiromantic or an akoiromantic of some sort. 

[Beaver Boy]

You're not aromantic - you're "idon'tcare-romantic"  .

[Philip027]

Yeah, that all looks like signs of a crush to me.

[Gldlynch]

Hey Happily Alone

 

From your description, especially emphasis on the last paragraph, it sounds like you are developing a crush / romantic attraction on this guy. Your heart pounding faster, the bubbling of the butterflies, they are all stereotypical signs of you feeling something towards him.

 

You firstly say that you aren't into the idea of relationships or sex, however you have become aware of the uncontrollable warm fuzzies you have for this guy. Just know that it's okay, sexuality can be fluid; it has the interchangeable capacity although this comes at the price of pure confusion. One minute you think, ewww relationships... and the next it becomes, "Yes, I'm Mrs. Iglesias" (Bridesmaids ref, soz).

 

My best advice to you is to stick with your gut feeling. And if you think, well that's a little difficult because my gut feeling is always changing, then just follow your present honest instincts. Sadly, we can't control the attractions we feel, whether they may be romantic, sexual, aesthetic, etc. If your head already knows that this romantic attraction cannot be pursued, run with that decision, however if you feel your heart is on the verge of combustion if you don't pursue it, perhaps take that leap. You won't know until you try.

 

I know this is so much easier said than done, but we can't be certain of the truth unless we are willing to challenge our boundaries.

 

Best of luck!

 

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

 

[Janus the Fox]

Pretty much a normal development of early feelings to me, possibly very early romantic feelings, very early until more develops with time.