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“proof” of non-binary identity?


skylr

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Hi there.

To make this short, i’m in a very supportive relationship, but my partner and i aren’t on the same page with my gender identity. i have never felt more comfortable in my life as i do with non-binary, but he says i have never presented as anything but “female” around him. i don’t have any “proof” of a non-binary gender. i don’t have any inherent feeling of femaleness...or maleness...or a fluctuation between. The way i act or present may change between what is considered to be masculine/femme behavior, but i’ve always felt so detached from that, as if me was something else. Female pronouns used to always nag at and bother me until i started identifying as non-binary, and male pronouns are love/hate: great that i’m not assumed female, but still weird and not right. i understand why i “need” to “prove” my gender to someone who isn’t in my body or brain and desperately wants to be on the same page, but i admit i am frustrated that i don’t know how to put forward proof that i am not female, and i am scared that i won’t be able to defend myself and be forced into a box, having to act and identify as someone i am not.

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What do you need to prove? It's your identity, if he can't accept that then that's a bit of a red flag to me. Since it seems to be important to you, I can only suggest discussing it. Ultimately there is no "proof" of ANY identity that anyone can give, it's all personal. If he is going to try to wedge you into the "female" category when you don't feel you fit there that may have big negative impact on you and your relationship. I would assess how you feel about your relationship and what you both expect of each other. Being in a relationship where you are forced to play a role that isn't you is abusive and mentally straining, I personally cannot recommend staying in such a relationship.
(The fact that you are scared of this throws another red flag to me... but it may be able to be worked out)

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If someone asked me for proof... I'd say "because I said so"... and if it was a person I was in a relationship we'd be having a serious talk about trust. 

 

Your proof is in what you said above. To paraphrase, it fits you better. There are only two cases where someone could say that they feel better identifying as a different gender where it could be wrong. The person is lying... or the person is clinically significant mental issues. On the second, I do not simply mean "I don't know my true feelings" I mean more along the lines of schizophrenic: "the voices tell me I am non-binary so I trust them". 

 

Red flags for me too though... If I had romantic partners I'd pretty much require that they be capable of supporting my thoughts on my identity regardless of their perspective on the matter, but that's just me. 

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Why do you have to proof yourself? I'ts already obvious, isn't it? I don't think you owe anyone proof to show you're valid, you just are and that is enough for them to know. If people ask you for proof after you already gave them an answer they are probaly not very supportive to begin with, these type of questions are always red flags to me.

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Ask him to prove his identity. What reasons will he bring up? His gender expression? He does all these “male” things. It’s not what you wear or what you do that makes you a certain gender. It’s how you feel. Being non-binary is just as valid as being male (and female and other genders) and if he can’t “prove” his gender identity then you shouldn’t have to either. It’s not fair to you. 

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Janus the Fox

An accepting partner would care little of the others gender to me anyway, your proof is proof already in the OP.

 

It'll be an interesting question to answer to why another person needs to see something differently, or why such a question as brought up in the first place.

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