Demi with a sexual partner..problems

[PineWolf]

I have never been sexually drawn to anyone growing up and I never reached out towards relationships. Because of this, I definitely lack experience and it's taking a toll on me. I've been with the same guy for the past 5 years. He's the first and only full blown relationship I've had. I guess you can consider me Demi-sexual, because when I'm in a relationship with someone I love I seem sexual normal (but on the low scale of libido). But when looking at other guys, it does nothing for me. Like I have near zero sexual attraction. Anyways..this relationship has been pretty rocky. Everything seems fine till the subject of sex comes up, then we get close to breaking things off completely.

Basically he wants a lot of things in that department I'm uncomfortable with. I suppose I am "vanilla" and he's not. He says these things leave a void in him that is eating away at him over time, and he wants to be able to share it with a woman who is accepting of it especially while he's still young. I have tried some of these things and they always lead to disaster. Now I have a lot of emotional bitterness I have to deal with. He approached it with me totally wrong and realizes if he took it slow it wouldn't have been so bad, which is true. And as impossible as it feels for me, I'm TRYING..I think. It's so hard for me I'm not even sure how much I can try. I told him I can probably get to the point of tolerating some things, but there might be one thing that I can't get comfortable with no matter what. He was very upset with this. But what more can I do? He says he's been keeping these desires to himself for so long to make me happy, but that I never tried to make him happy when I was told what his desires were (because they weird me out). That both parties should have the drive to fulfill one another's interest. Part of the problem is I have none.  Then I just find out, that all these things he's into is because of watching porn as a teen. And now I feel objected to that. He's not very sex driven compared to most straight men, which has always helped us get along. And he doesn't watch that stuff anymore. He also recently told me he's been searching through social medias to meet other women into similar things "just as friends" so he doesn't feel so uncomfortable being himself, and apparently has a hard time opening up to men. This obviously makes me feel uncomfortable, especially since one of them is local. He says he has no romantic interest in her, but I think all it takes if for them to talk longer or see each other. He thinks my inability to understand how he has these certain needs is a result of my relationship inexperience and not having grown sexually. His solution to this is to let me see other people, but also stay with him because he's determined not to lose me. He says he's learned what he's needed from his past relationships and since he has found me, is ready for me to be his last. I have always felt uncertain about him though. And I tell him me "dating around" is not going to work. I can't do casual sex, I can't sexually be into someone I'm not emotionally into, and I've never once met a guy I was into as more than a friend at all.

This all has me upset. I don't expect to have my problem solved here. I just want to thank you for reading and being here. Sometimes this is the only place I can think to go when I'm reminded how much my sexuality clashes with others. I just feel hopeless I will ever find the right man for me. A part of me is afraid to lose this one because I don't know what else is out there and in general he is a great guy. My lack of experience has me feeling lost and confused on what to do. I am just thankful this community exists and I am able to vent and calm my anxiety.

[Gldlynch]

Hey PineWolf

 

Firstly, don't ever apologise for who you are, especially in regards to your sexual orientation because it is something we cannot control therefore must be embraced.

 

Secondly, I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, I can only imagine the frustration. I get the impression that you have well-developed communication skills with your partner and that is something to be deeply admired.

 

To be completely honest, I have not been in a situation similar to your's so my input may not be much help at all. The approach to having an open-relationship really depends on how secure your actual relationship is. If your partner desires to have an open-relationship policy purely to meet his sexual needs, I'm sure this concept not something new. However I totally understand your fear of losing your partner because "no strings attached" is never a 100% success rate.

 

Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Maybe having a neutral medium will help with solving this issue because it sounds like your relationship is definitely worth fighting for. You've had a 5 year relationship! That's hardly lack of experience. Especially between a sexual and an asexual, it's rather impressive and I think it is a relationship worth battling for.

 

Best of luck!

[Philip027]

Yeah uhh, he can't push you into a poly arrangement if you're not feeling it. 

 

Honestly, you just don't seem sexually compatible.

[PineWolf]

51 minutes ago, Gldlynch said:

Hey PineWolf

 

Firstly, don't ever apologise for who you are, especially in regards to your sexual orientation because it is something we cannot control therefore must be embraced.

 

Secondly, I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, I can only imagine the frustration. I get the impression that you have well-developed communication skills with your partner and that is something to be deeply admired.

 

To be completely honest, I have not been in a situation similar to your's so my input may not be much help at all. The approach to having an open-relationship really depends on how secure your actual relationship is. If your partner desires to have an open-relationship policy purely to meet his sexual needs, I'm sure this concept not something new. However I totally understand your fear of losing your partner because "no strings attached" is never a 100% success rate.

 

Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Maybe having a neutral medium will help with solving this issue because it sounds like your relationship is definitely worth fighting for. You've had a 5 year relationship! That's hardly lack of experience. Especially between a sexual and an asexual, it's rather impressive and I think it is a relationship worth battling for.

 

Best of luck!

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I feel heart sick today and part of me thinks I need to just move on, I don't know. I feel like the porn he used to watch gave him certain expectations of sex that now I am "responsible" to fulfill as his partner. Maybe he would be better off with someone who enjoys all that stuff. I think he could handle it if I was in an open relationship because he thinks it would help me and us. I have a hard time with this, because of how rare it is for me to meet someone I would even want to do that with and because I can't lead a guy on like that just to "learn" something from him and then plan to leave him for my boyfriend from the start. I think that would be unfair for the other guy definitely. And I truly don't think I could handle my partner in an open relationship. He says he has no desire to and doesn't need to but if that ever changed I couldn't emotionally handle that. If he needs another girl for this I'd rather he have her and break things off together completely.

I have been interested in professional help, and I think it could really help me sort my thoughts and feelings. The biggest set back with that though is the cost. I don't have the income for that sort of thing right now.

[Philip027]

Quote

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I feel heart sick today and part of me thinks I need to just move on, I don't know. I feel like the porn he used to watch gave him certain expectations of sex that now I am "responsible" to fulfill as his partner. Maybe he would be better off with someone who enjoys all that stuff.

Depending on just how far out these expectations are, I think he's going to find that quite a few people aren't into All That Stuff and that he might have to adjust them.

 

You really don't seem poly-minded.  I wouldn't try to force it.  Go with your gut.

[PineWolf]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Depending on just how far out these expectations are, I think he's going to find that quite a few people aren't into All That Stuff and that he might have to adjust them.

 

You really don't seem poly-minded.  I wouldn't try to force it.  Go with your gut.

Thank you. Yes I think his desire to explore sexually is never ending and as much as I try to be a good partner I just can't handle that. And apparently he can't handle not having it.

[Guest]

Some people are just more into some things than others. And some are more vanilla. Both are OK, but he has to understand not everyone is going to be into what he's into. If it's important to him that he can do these things, it might be best to move on. And, honestly, making friends with a woman with similar fetish needs sounds.... like setting himself up to cheat on you. 

 

I'm on my fifth long-term relationship, been married, been divorced and getting married again. I've been with people I'm compatible with and people I'm not. It's best to just admit you have needs they can't fill and let go, than to try to force it and be miserable.

 

Also, I wouldn't blame porn for him having sexual desires that you aren't into. He'd probably develop them anyway, but porn gave him ideas. Kink/fetishes/etc has been around for longer than videos.