Mandasaurus Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Hi Guys! šĀ Ā So, I think Iām finally accepting that Iām Ace. Iām 26, female,Ā and am well known for not being romanticĀ and a serial dater, when truthfully, the reason Iām like this is because I go on 1-2 dates with a guy and then dump them before they can get handsyĀ because it terrifies me. I only date because everyone had me convinced that I needed to just find āthe oneā and that I should eventually get a spark?! Ā What no-one else knows, except now you guys, is that Iām actually a virgin and having someone touch me in a sexual way doesnāt fill me with butterflies, but makes me internally cringe and not once in my life have I ever experienced a spark or even know what it is. Iām attracted to men? Or at least I think I am, I appreciate the way they look but I donāt think I like them as much as my friends seem to - I find it such a struggle to explain to people how I feel but reading the posts on here just resonate with me so well. Ā The only thing thatās stopping me from fully identifying as Ace is that Iāve never actually had sex, I keep thinking that maybe Iām just so nervous and I need to try it first? Instead of dumping a guy after 2 dates I really need to give it a go.Ā Ā So Iāve started dating a guy and heās lovely, we have a lot in common (no āsparkā like usualĀ from my end, but I think heās attractive), and we have almost identical interests. I havenāt been this invested in someone my whole life and have neverĀ been speaking or datedĀ someone this long.Ā Ā At the end of our second date he made a move and we made out in my car,Ā he seemed to enjoy it, while I went home and proceeded to bawl my eyes out for hours Ā because I was just so frustrated with the fact that I felt nothing. Ā The whole time he kissed me I just felt awkward and hated every moment of it. I was thinking that maybe I just need to get used to it, but when he tried to goĀ for the kissĀ at the end of the third date my stomach just dropped and I had to turn it into an awkward hug. I then pretty much ran to my car and drove off. I then text him later apologising for being so awkward and just explained that I hadnāt dated in a while so I was just nervous (I know, not good to lie but I panicked!!!) weāre now having a date over at his house this Saturday where Iāll be meeting his family (as he still lives at home), and I am absolutely dreading that something will happen,Ā at the same time I really want to be able to give him what he wants as heās so lovely!Ā Ā Iāve justĀ feltĀ so frustrated with myself that I just feel nothing, and my friends and family just seem to be able to have this connection with others that I just seem incapable of having. HonestlyĀ since I was a teen Iāve been filled with such self loathing for not being ānormalā, but finding out about A-sexuality and this forum has really opened my eyes and made me realise that Iām not odd and thereās loads of people out there like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Baam Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Just because you can appreciate how someone looks, doesn't mean you're romantically or sexually attracted to them. I mean, I think my cat is damn beautiful and I love looking at her, but... Ā It doesn't sound like you're romantically attracted to this guy at all. That's called being aromantic. I don't think you should force yourself to keep going out with this guy for his sake. Even though he sounds like a great person, I don't think he'd appreciate you leading him on, I don't advise that you keep going to make him feel better. It won't end well. You won't break him, he'll be fine. It's much better than dragging it out. It sounds like you'd make a much better and damn awesome friend to him. Ā As for never having sex. I'm also a virgin, but I know I'm gay. I don't need to have sex with a man to convince me of that. It's the same with asexuality. If you're quite happy never having sex with anyone ever again, you're asexual. You do not need to prove that to anyone. And if it turns out that you're not actually asexual, so what? You don't have to choose a label and lock it in for life! Ā Oh, sorry, welcome by the way! Ā Hope you enjoy your stay! Link to post Share on other sites
Mandasaurus Posted February 15, 2018 Author Share Posted February 15, 2018 Hi Baam Ā Love the analogy of the catĀ Ā Ā I think I was always just scared that Iām saying I donāt enjoy sex and being with someone when Iāve never actually put myself out there, so to speak, or actually experienced it. Ā I donāt know, I feel like such a mess right now as I want to try so much to make this work with him as I really do care about him, but I think Iām just starting to accept that no matter how much I force this I wonāt develop anything for him. Iāll try and have a talk with him Saturday x Link to post Share on other sites
Raire Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Hi @Mandasaurus - welcome to the forums!Ā Ā Ā Don't force yourself into anything is what I'd suggest. If the thought of sex makes you nervous and if you don't feel a spark, 'doing it for the sake of trying it' mightn't be the best course of action. Talk to your date if you think it'll help by all means - if he's worth your time he'll listen and understand. Just take your time.Ā Ā The idea of being intimate with someone else fills me with trepidation if I'm honest. I've never had sex and I know that I don't want to try it, but it's taken me time to reach that conclusion. Without being dramatic, it's the same sort of feeling as I get thinking "Hmm... I've never attempted lion taming" or "Y'know... I never did try getting stung by a wasp"Ā Some things shouldn't be tried if you're not 100% on board.Ā Ā Good luck in any case! Let us know how things go if you want to.Ā Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Welcome! Don't force yourself to have sex just because it's expected and he wants it. It's your body and your choice. The same with kissing, if you're not enjoying it don't force yourself to continue. I know it's hard to set these sort of boundaries, but they need to beĀ set early in the relationship, so that it doesn't cause problems later. If push comes to shove and he doesn't accept your boundaries, then it wasn't going to work out anyway, and you're saving yourself the heartbreak of getting more attached to him that you already are when it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Lia Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Hello there, and welcome to AVEN!Ā As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.Ā Ā The Terms of Service isĀ here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called)Ā a message. Ā Also, there's a handy forum calledĀ Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outliningĀ who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done inĀ or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod.Ā The following are also nifty links to take a look at:Ā Ā Welcome Lounge Mini ManualĀ |Ā Welcoming 101Ā |Ā Quick Guide to the ForumsĀ |Ā Asexuality FAQ'sĀ Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped! Link to post Share on other sites
Micch Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 Welcome!!! (says the girl who just joined the forum as well ) For a moment I thought I had written this post and forgot about it. I'm 26, never had sex with anyone and with, I swear, same, identical thoughts and doubts and frustrations you have. I've been dating a lot in the past few years, driven by the thought I'd find the right guy who'd manage to ignite any kind of spark in me.( I like guys but for a while I have even considered that maybe I just didn't want to admit to myself I was interested in girls) Every guy I start dating seems to want to speed things up pretty quickly. Like, first couple of dates and they always try to make a move (it is the norm, I guess). I always get so anxious about it and I have a couple of excuses I keep using, like: āI don't feel comfortable being touched by people I don't knowā, or āI have trust issue, I need to take things slowlyā. Last year I have dated a guy I liked, I wasn't in love (never been in general), but he was kind, he didn't put too much pressure on me and I also managed to tell him I was a bit grossed out by sex (it was soooo hard to admit that to someone). I really wanted to try to have sex with him, I wanted to try for myself (because everyone likes it, and how can you say you don't like if you haven't tried it, right?), I wanted to try for him, because I felt I was forcing him to celibacy and I guess did want to please him. It goes without saying it didn't work, sex is just something that I can't deal with no matter how hard I try to force myself. I had to physically confront myself with the reality of it before accepting it for good. So I understand very well what you are going through now, I can't really give you any advice beyond the recollection of my own experience. Ā Link to post Share on other sites
Mandasaurus Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 Micch youāve pretty much just summed me up exactlyĀ Ā I tried talking to some friends today about it, explaining that I pretty much feelĀ the same way I would feel kissing my brother or a female friend, yes I do find him attractive and really want to spend time with him, do romantic things like hold hands and walk closely together etc. But never have I had sexual thoughts about him and kissing him just makes me feel a bit nauseous and the thought of sex with him makes me shake and cringe.Ā Ā The reactions I got were pretty much varied, from āI need to see a therapistā to āI just hadnāt given him a chance and maybe heād grow on meā none of them really understood and didnāt understand how I could find this guy physically attractive but hate him touching me. Ā Logically, I understand that tomorrow isnāt a big thing and my friends made me feel that I was overreacting and overthinking things, so I never cancelled tomorrowās date, but now that Iām on my own and thinking about tomorrowĀ I can just feel the dread starting to build again and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.Ā Ā I just feel so frustrated with the way I feel, but talking to you guys has made me realise that I need to end things with him. To be honest the thought of ending this makes me feel so relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Micch Posted February 16, 2018 Share Posted February 16, 2018 The more you say the more I find we went through the same things. Couple of weeks ago I have tried to explain to some friends I just can't find sex attractive in any way, I've been told I should try see a psychiatrist because I probably have some anxiety thing going on. He wasn't mean, he sincerely thought IĀ suffer from a mental issue. That's because asexuality as a thing is not known or understood at all. Next time I'll probably try to explain better. Ā And that āoverthinkingā bit also strikes a chord. Just recently I've tried dating a guy. After, like the third time we went out I started fretting because I realised if I kept going out with him he would expect something to happen. Like, three dates, we get along, we chat a lot...for a sexual guy is normal to think things should ādevelopā also in that sense. I was quite interested in him but by then I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to have sex with him. How great would it be if only one could manage to say certain things straight away, right? That's not me, unfortunately. I stared complaining with my friends about how I wanted to get to know the guy but I was not sure because I couldn't understand if his intentions were āseriousā or he just wanted a physical thing. They were all āyou should really stop thinking that much, just go and have fun\ or see what happensā which would be perfectly fine...for someone who doesn't have to turn down the advances of the guy she's interested in. In the end, after a lot of thinking, I ended up going at his place for a movie. We watched the movie, he made a move, I turned him down, explained to him I didn't have any sexual drive...went home relived that at least I knew we couldn't have any kind of relationship because he actually said to me he is very active in terms of sexuality. Ā So, I don't know...if you think the guy it's worth it you can try explain to him and see how reacts ... Link to post Share on other sites
Mandasaurus Posted February 16, 2018 Author Share Posted February 16, 2018 Iām actually going to his place to watch a movie tomorrowĀ Ā seems to be turning out exactly the same as your situation.Ā Crazy how similar our experiences are! Ā think Iāll just watch the movie, if he tries anything then Iāll just explain the situation, otherwise Iāll leave it till the end of the date and break things off. I feel so much better now that Iāve talked about this with people who understand x Link to post Share on other sites
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