Coming out and not being believed

[Oluwandara]

So a while back my cousin felt confident enough to tell me that she was pan-sexual. I really appreciated it you know. I recently told her that I am asexual and her immediate, and constant response to that was that she couldn't believe it. She told me today that she has an asexual friend in London, and because I make the occasional sexual joke, or say that I would totally bone most of the Marvel and DC heros in a heartbeat, - in my defence though, who wouldn't????- I cannot be asexual. She then went on to tell me that in a few years when I've grown out of this phase, that i'll want to have sex with people again. I'm usually a super chill person who doesn't really care what people think, especially about my sexuality [my whole life some of my closest friends thought that I was super gay] but this kinda hurt. I have since stopped trying to convince her of something that I know to be true but it doesn't always stop me from feeling some type of way when she goes on about me lying about being a sexual person. Just wanted to vent a bit I guess and ask if anyone else has had this happen to them by someone they love, tolerate, or just by random strangers?

[Guest]

Wait, but if you're telling her you 'totally want to bone' the Marvel heroes then it's understandable she's confused. I thought maybe you meant it as a joke but then you asked 'who wouldn't?' (I'm not even ace and I wouldn't lol). Or does 'bone' mean something different where you live?

 

I'm not saying you're not ace, but if you're open with her about wanting to bone people I do see why she would be confused.

[lazypanda]

1 hour ago, Oluwandara said:

and because I make the occasional sexual joke, or say that I would totally bone most of the Marvel and DC heros in a heartbeat, - in my defence though, who wouldn't????- I cannot be asexual. S

Don't feel bad. Some asexual people have sexual fantasies ! That doesnt mean they are not asexual ! Maybe you could tell your cousin this fact ! 

 

*Hugs*

[Raire]

@Oluwandara there's a difference between talking about sex (including therein jumping the bones of fantasy characters!) and doing the deed itself.

Your cousin might not know this, especially if her asexual friend is 'entirely prudish' about all aspects of sex - some aces are like that. Others, as @lazypanda said, are a little more open to the concept. Perhaps your cousin's friend keeps their own feelings hidden, or your cousin doesn't know them as well as she thinks. 

It must hurt when you've built up the courage to be honest with both your cousin and (more importantly) yourself, and you're just swatted away with a "Pffft... That's a phase". Don't feel that you've done anything wrong or that you've got to justify yourself to anyone. 

As long as you know the truth about how you feel, people can accept you or not - it could potentially be their loss after all. 

[Oluwandara]

@FictoVore. Ah I see how that would be confusing. I have explained to her that all the innuendo or whatever about "boning" is strictly metaphorical. I don't actually want to bump uglies with anyone. I let her know that I am not blind to attractive people, I would just rather not have sex with anyone.

@lazypanda

Thank you  *Hugs back*

[Alejandrogynous]

Yeah, if this is the first she's hearing of you being asexual, I can see why she'd be confused for the reasons already mentioned. I also talk like this sometimes but only around people who know me well enough to know I just like to talk and I'm 100% full of shit. 🤣 Your friend might start to understand better when, over time, none of your talk amounts to any real world action.

[helana12_03]

I have a friend just like that. I've tried to tell her I'm asexual like 50 times, but every time I say anything she says it's not possible. I never actually used the word "asexual" though. I usually say something along the lines of "I don't want to have sex with anyone and never have". I've gotten similar reactions from other people. These things happen. Some people don't get asexuality or don't know it exists. I'm ok with that as song as they keep it to themselves and don't use it against me.

[Chibe90]

Given the chance, I wouldn't 'bone' any famous person or fictional character but that is not what is important here. I think your cousin isn't exactly sure about what it means to be asexual which is probably why she is having a hard time believing you. She got a box and labelled it "hates everything about sex" and threw all the asexuals in. But as with pansexuality we are a diverse group and some of us like sex and have sexual fantasies. I think you should probably provide her with some literature so she can educate herself.

[Philip027]

Quote

So a while back my cousin felt confident enough to tell me that she was pan-sexual. I really appreciated it you know. I recently told her that I am asexual and her immediate, and constant response to that was that she couldn't believe it. She told me today that she has an asexual friend in London, and because I make the occasional sexual joke, or say that I would totally bone most of the Marvel and DC heros in a heartbeat, - in my defence though, who wouldn't????- I cannot be asexual.

I would be really fucking confused/skeptical too.  You kinda brought her reaction upon yourself.

 

Quote

Given the chance, I wouldn't 'bone' any famous person or fictional character but that is not what is important here. I think your cousin isn't exactly sure about what it means to be asexual which is probably why she is having a hard time believing you. She got a box and labelled it "hates everything about sex" and threw all the asexuals in.

I wouldn't ever call someone who wants to "bone" anyone asexual, to be honest.  I don't think you have enough information about the OP's cousin to make that kind of a judgment, either.

[GiraffeSpots]

Ok, so there are a bunch of unfriendly comments in here that don't feel very AVEN to me. Sex drive and Sexual attraction are recognised as two different things in our community, so you should not feel responsible even if you actually did want to "bone" a character or two. Also, you were mostly joking. Jokes are ok. I joke about being "married" and "in love" all the time, it's funny. Two of the people I am "married" to know I'm ace and have raised no issue with it ever. Your cousin is being unreasonable. It's like how, when I came out aged 10, my family brought up the valentine's card I wrote when I was 6 like it meant I was straight. I just wanted to feel included, same with the jokes. My sister tried to invalidate both my orientation and my diagnosis of autism in pretty much the same way, comparing to friends she had made online. It's not cool, you have every reason to be put out, don't listen to the people telling you it's your fault. We shouldn't have to police our jokes just because people don't like to beleive in our orientation.

 

Best of luck to you with your cousin, I hope they have a change of heart. Until then, some time apart so you can look after you might be good <3

[rubyglo]

I think that's one of the most painful and angering aspects of being ace. People not believing you. Sometimes, if you're not secure enough in yourself, you wonder if you're the one who's mistaken. Sadly enough, it took a long time to even convince my own therapist, and I'm still not sure she's 100% on board.