New and trying to find people to talk to!

[Artzy913]

Hello. I've been trying to convince myself to come here and talk to people for a while. I didn't know how much I was gonna say here but I decided It would be better to open up to people.

 

So here's my story.....well most of it. 

 

I'm 20 years old and have never dated or gone on a date with anyone, and the last few years I felt very self conscious about it and wanted a boyfriend really badly because I wanted to feel normal and loved and all my friends kept talking about them and obsessing over it. I didn't understand how or why they were acting that way around them. I thought I would finally feel like that when I got one of my own. 

I kept feeling like this until sometime before October last year when I read a facebook post that was challenging stereotypes about asexuality. I'd heard about asexuality before and I thought that I knew what it meant to identify that way. This simple post changed all of that and suddenly I realized that I might be on the ace spectrum.

It shattered me. I was torn in two. On one hand I was extatic because it felt like I could finally understand myself and how I was relating to other people and sex. On the other hand it changed the way I saw the future and preconceptions I had for myself. It was terrifying.

Since then I have been working through phases of denial (which I wish I didn't feel) and acceptance. I have tried to do research (aven has been really helpful with that) and now I'm trying to find other people who could possibly help me understand myself more. 

 

Sorry for the really long post. I am honestly kinda terrified.

[mysterioustrumpet]

Wow, I'm pretty much in the exact same situation as you. I'm 19 and I've also never been on a date before, and I totally understand the desire to want a boyfriend. I've never really experienced sexual attraction to people, at least not in the way of looking at a person and wanting to have sex with them. The most I can say I've felt is that I've found someone cute or good looking, and then from then on I would get kinda nervous around them? I'm not sure if that counts as sexual attraction though, cuz the idea of sex never even entered my mind.

I've only ever had one crush in my life, and even then I was crushing on who that person was instead of what they looked like. I mean, it wasn't like they were bad looking, they were actually pretty cute. But for me my crush on them had more to do with their personality and not so much their looks. Even during that crush I didn't have any desire to have sex with them, instead I wanted more of a romantically intimate relationship with them. 

It's not like I don't understand the appeal of sex. I've masturbated before, and yeah, orgasms definitely feel good. But I stopped after a while because it felt really . . . empty. It just felt like a physical act, and it wasn't satisfying me in any other way than that. Not mentally or emotionally or anything, just physically. 

So at this point I don't know if I identify as asexual or demisexual or anything, and I think if I were in a relationship long enough with a person and they wanted to have sex, I would have sex with them because I would want them to feel good. But I don't think I would be the one to instigate sex, and I definitely wouldn't get any more out of it than something physical. 

I dunno. All of this is just speculation on my part, cuz I've never been in a relationship so there's no way for me to actually know. But I do wanna say that I totally understand where you're coming from, you're not alone!

[Lia]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[Andiamo]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you found us, and that you decided to join. 

 

I had a similar moment of realization when I first learned about asexuality, which was right before I started my junior year of high school. I wish that there was more common knowledge about asexuality. Then maybe so many more of us would be able to understand and accept our experiences so much earlier on. I am also 20 and have never dated anyone, so we have that in common.

 

Feel free to PM me if you're looking for friends or want to talk about anything! Enjoy the forums! 

[Gldlynch]

Hey Artzy913

 

Welcome to AVEN! It's great to have you here.

 

The discovery of my own asexuality sounds fairly similar to your's. I am 23 and have never dated anyone. People are often shocked that I haven't at least had my "first boyfriend." In the past I used to make the excuse of "well... I go to an all girls high school and there aren't a heap of opportunities to mingle," but truthfully, the idea of dating never phased me at all. So many of my friends would take dates to school balls but I just never had the natural urge to do the same. I felt more comfortable on my own or just with friends.

 

When I eventually figured out that I was asexual, much like you, it was denial at first. Honestly, I was looking forward to the whole "relationship and sex" phase of my life, but arriving at 23, I knew I was more than just a plain "late-bloomer." My acceptance took some time and a heavy dose of research. I'm finally on the end where I have accepted myself for who I am and where I stand with my own sexual orientation.

 

When you are queer, there is no end to the "coming out" announcements. It's still weird to say it aloud but time knows how to make you improve. I hope your journey becomes more and more relaxed. Remember, never let anyone ever invalidate your sexual preferences and identity!

[Artzy913]

Thank you

to everyone who has replied so far. Its such a relief to find people with similar experiences in finding out about themselves and their sexuality. I look forward to getting to know more people who are part of the ace community.

 

[Dean.]

Welcome to AVEN!  glad to see you here and I hope you find what you are looking for, it took me a little bit to fully come to terms with my asexuality, it is ok to question and be unsure, It can be both a relief and super scary, hope you the best of luck!

[Lichley]

Welcome! An important thing to remember is that being asexual doesn't stop you from finding a partner, or from getting married, or even having kids (if you want to). It simply means that you aren't sexually attracted to people, and whilst it does make dating a bit harder, it doesn't stop you from achieving your dreams. If you want to get married and spend the rest of your life with someone then you can do just that. There are plenty of people who are willing to go without sex, or compromise with you, and they can be found on AVEN and other ace sites, at meetups and even on some dating apps.  

[SatinHP98]

Hi Everyone! Nice to find an active thread of fellow newbies of similar ages (I'm 19.)

 

I noticed lots of you say on your mini side profile you're still questioning, It's nice to find some others who are still unsure unlike some of the other really self-assured people on here. Since I'm still figuring it all out I put myself somewhere on the grey-asexual scale, because although I don't feel sexual attraction to other people I do still feel turned on occasionally once in a blue moon.

 

I tend to find I will never look to initiate anything sexual, but don't mind reciprocating sometimes. I Love sensual touches, but sexual ones don't 'turn me on' like all my sexual friends say they should. Apparently finding a guy who loves eating you out is an amazing, wonderful thing that I'm lucky to have....but I just don't get as much enjoyment out of it as he seems to.
I'm really tactile and love kissing, to the point where it occasionally turns me on, but I don't feel the urge to do anything about it and the feeling hardly ever lasts when my boyfriend tries to build on it.

Does anyone else find they really like (and are occasionally turned on by) loving, sensual touches rather than sexual ones? It's not really a topic I've found explored in the questioning forums. If anyone knows of any forums on the difference between sensual and sexual attraction I'd really appreciate a recommendation!

 

Anyway if you read all the way through my rambling, thanks for bearing with me and nice to meet you all!  x

[Micch]

Hey, welcome!

To freak out is pretty normal. I went through a denial phase that lasted...a long time. (like, until a few days ago, when I decided to accept it for good and join this community)

When I've found out about asexuality for the first time I was super thrilled. Then I started trying to force myself into “normalcy”. On the one hand I had friends who doubted asexuality was real, on the other I was the one who actually wanted them to be right.

It is not easy to come to terms with all this, but at least it is nice to know one is not alone, isn't it!

[Guest]

Hello and welcome!  

 

[mysterioustrumpet]

On 2/16/2018 at 2:06 PM, SatinHP98 said:

Does anyone else find they really like (and are occasionally turned on by) loving, sensual touches rather than sexual ones?

I'm the same way! I really enjoy physical contact and I'm looking forward to kissing (never kissed anyone lol), but the idea of touching someone or having someone touch me in a sexual way is really weird to think about it. It doesn't make me particularly uncomfortable, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I don't get turned on by the thought of someone touching me in a sexual way :/ So I guess that means I'm in the same place as you 

[MissMidnight]

Hello,

 

I was pretty much the same back when I was 16 and its taken me 10 years to seek people out to chat to, Currently I feel pretty much as terrified as you are about being here and writing on here but we can do it  
I'm sure it will get easier and so far from the forums Ive been looking at it seems like this is a very supportive place and I'm sure youll feel comfortable in no time  

[Artzy913]

I feel like I relate a lot to what both SatinHP98 and mysterioustrumpet are saying. I am looking forward to trying kissing and intimate (but not sexual) touching. But I find it hard to even imagine sexual stuff with another person.

[SatinHP98]

On 22/02/2018 at 9:14 AM, mysterioustrumpet said:

I'm the same way! I really enjoy physical contact and I'm looking forward to kissing (never kissed anyone lol), but the idea of touching someone or having someone touch me in a sexual way is really weird to think about it. It doesn't make me particularly uncomfortable, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I don't get turned on by the thought of someone touching me in a sexual way :/ So I guess that means I'm in the same place as you 

Yeah mysteriousstrumpet, I'm still having difficulty trying to figure out how to vocalise this to my partner. I don't mind the sexual stuff with him, because I like being able to satisfy him, even if I don't feel the same (all the time.) 

With sensual touches every time I'm really getting to enjoy something, like kissing or the feel of his hands stroking up my back during a kiss, it abruptly ends because somewhere it crosses a boundary into sexual for him. It's a bit frustrating to be made so flustered by something others wouldn't think could get me so flustered and then have the pleasant sensation just stop, because of a boundary I don't always see clearly.

Having sensual stuff rather than sexual stuff make me feel either really relaxed and content or turned on (depends on how I'm feeling) drives me  mad sometimes because for him

I feel like the stuff before that boundary is nice, but is more a stepping stone before he can get to the sexual stuff he enjoys.

I want to bring it up with him, but not sure how to do it as we're not the type of couple to have deep meaningful conversations very often  

 

Any advice on how to broach the subject (anyone)? x

 

On 22/02/2018 at 9:38 AM, Artzy913 said:

I feel like I relate a lot to what both SatinHP98 and mysterioustrumpet are saying. I am looking forward to trying kissing and intimate (but not sexual) touching. But I find it hard to even imagine sexual stuff with another person.

 

Artzy913 where do you draw the line between sensual and sexual? Just curious, because I've heard different people say different things and it's nice to have conversation with someone who feels similar about certain things  Plus, it might help me better distinguish my own feelings towards the two types of touch.  

 

[Artzy913]

Hi SatinHP98

 

It is nice to talk to people who understand some parts of what you are going through. I've had no experience with dating or being close to someone in a romantic was as of yet so this is all speculation on my part. For me, what I imagine, sensual touches would feel more romantic than sexual touches (not that there is not love or feeling behind sexual touches) but it would be more like cuddling, rubbing a thumb on a part of your hand or massaging the small of someones back. I would view sexual touches as a touch that wants to lead to something so there is more of an intention or want in them so they feel more purposeful and are probably concentrated in the sexual areas of the body.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 I hope this is helpful and I look forward to talking more with you