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ReeceA87

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So my boyfriend (27) and I (30) just had a really big fight with us both laying in bed in the dark apologizing over and over. I finally just got up and walked outside and smoke a cigarette and google whats wrong with me. I found this page. He wants sex... LIKE daily. And I honestly try and get out of it daily. My stomach hurts, I'm tired. All excuses i have used. Most of the time I end up doing it anyway but secretly just wait for the end. I love him with my whole heart, but I'm just not into the act of sex. He has a formidable sex drive and mine is usually at zero. I want to make him happy and have even resorted to gas station sex pills to improve my sex drive. I don't know what to do anymore though. Tonight I flat out turned him down and he rolled over with a sigh, turned the light off and just said a flat, goodnight. I can tell he is getting frustrated. Idk what to do. We both love each other so much. I don't want this to end our relationship but I'm scared. I even suggested maybe I get therapy but he said I don't need therapy, that he will try and just be more understanding of how I feel.  But I don't even understand it myself. I'm just confused about all of this and don't know how to fix it.

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Unfortunately there's no fix, apart from having sex or not having sex, or you compromise, don't have sex as often, although I've never been in a long term relationship, I can understand how you feel, I was 40 when I googled "I don't want to have sexual intercourse, google led me here too, do read through to see other people's experiences as they're probably going to be more helpful than me as I've not had a relationship since 1991, it was a further 15 years before discovering the term asexual and realising that I am asexual, I hope you both manage to sort something out in your relationship, good luck 

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Well Reece there's nothing to fix because you aren't broken, asexuality is an orientation, not a mental illness. You do not owe your partner sex, if you say you are asexual and don't want sex then they have to respect that. You shouldn't be coerced into having sex if you don't want it. 

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Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! :cake:

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here. :) The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

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Hey ReeceA87

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry that you are in this sticky situation, we will try to help and support you as much as we can.

 

I'm afraid that there is no way to "fix" the way we are - that is, if you identify yourself as an asexual or somewhere along the spectrum. Our brains have been wired to not find anything sexually attractive in a direct sense. My advice to you is to purely communicate. Tell your partner what you are exactly feeling, just like the way you have written it on this forum.

 

Express that you dearly love you partner to the moon and back but the sexual chemistry from your end of the rainbow is completely absent. Often, if a relationship consists of a sexual individual and an asexual individual, a compromise must be established. This sort of thing is to either have sex for your sexual partner... but perhaps not as regularly or as passionately... some partners seek sexual satisfaction outside of their romantic relationship. Either way it is important to be honest with your partner, there won't ever come an answer unless the question is asked. It may be painful to confront this struggle but in my opinion it is the quickest way to resolve the issue. And you never know, you partner might be cool with the whole thing! I know it's easier said than done, but I'm sure you will find the courage to bring this issue up with your partner!

 

Best of luck!

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Every night? He could at least try to compromise with you. If you don't feel like it you shouldn't have to do it, don't let him pressure you into it because it's what society expects you to do. If you don't want it just say so, and if he gets mad for one night without sex that's his problem, not yours. 

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