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Small question about sexual attraction


Flump222

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So, I've been trying to gain an understanding on sexual attraction, and I just want to put my ideas here and get thoughts on them. So, from what I understand, sexually attraction is pretty much the desire to have sexual relations with a person. However, I've also heard it described as this sort of urge to be near someone and to touch them, even in a non sexual manner. Just sort of things that may lead to sex. I am pretty sure that I've never felt sexual attraction, but this whole touch thing seems really strange to me. Even when I used to doubt if I had ever felt it before, that sort of feeling never came to my mind (in fact, I'm sort of touch repulsed, and my mother is pretty much the only person that I'm really comfortable hugging). So, would this urge to touch and such be considered integral to sexual attraction?

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In my very ignorant opinion (I like what I did there), sexual people throw a whole mixture of idiosyncratic odds and ends that are associated with their sexuality, sexual pursuits, feelings around sexual partners at this experience-pointer "sexual attraction" to see what sticks, it's some bucket that they can, due to their sexual nature, throw things into.  Someone who is less sexual or non-sexual or has less experience or drive, etc., may have more difficulty making sense out of the bucket of slop, but sexual people don't make much sense out of it, either.

 

As for myself, not seeking a sexual partner, not wanting a sexual partner, and not missing having had a sexual partner, it seems to me if I don't want to put the cart before the horse, maybe I'd start off with the bucket: look, these sexual people have their phenomena associated with sexuality, it's their thing, there's differences, we have this catch-all label for sexual attraction towards partnered sex with someone in particular.  What's in the bucket?  Something rather potent, apparently.  The pull or magnetism towards desiring sex with someone and the types of things that are associated with it motivates so much sexual behavior that aces don't quite relate to, but the forcefulness with which sexual people fling their things into that bucket is impressive, whatever it is.  They aren't just tossing off.

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10 hours ago, Flump222 said:

So, would this urge to touch and such be considered integral to sexual attraction?

I've been wondering this myself. I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm touch-repulsed, maybe just touch-averse. There are certain people, very close friends, whom I habitually hug when greeting because it's "what we do," but I've always been an awkward hugger even with these people, and I'm pretty sure they almost always initiate. And I can't wait for the hug to be over.

 

However, from my brief time here I expect there is wide variation in how much people associate these two things. A lot of ace people seem fond of cuddling, for example. And the inverse may be true, if rare: a person who definitely experiences sexual attraction but doesn't like touching outside of that context. But just because these things are unrelated for some people doesn't mean they're not related for others. My nascent understanding of all this is that there seem to be many paths to being or seeing oneself as asexual. Some people have a libido, some don't; some are actively repulsed by sex while others are just indifferent...but I can tell you I definitely relate to what you're saying here.

 

Another possibly related thing about touching others/being touched: As a child I was very ticklish, and when my friends discovered this, they took full advantage even though I HATED being tickled and would fight back defensively, sometimes biting and scratching them. I remember at least one occasion where a group of my friends all tickle-attacked me together. It might sound cute, but--not to be melodramatic--it felt very violating, and I sometimes wonder if that had a lasting effect on me. Or maybe I was always touch-averse and this made me a more fun target for them, because children are monsters.

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For me, sexual attraction is only liking the person’s looks, or enjoying flirting, or enjoying kissing and some sensual touch. I only ever have felt desire to be near someone, or for kissing. Oh and, The sensual desire I felt , which was responsive rather than spontaneous. 

 

Also sexual attraction can can come after romantic attraction for me, but not the other way round. So the only two people I desired a relationship with, it was out of romantic interest. 

 

I just don't experience sexual desire, and rarely any sensual need either. Only ever do I feel attracted to a person aesthetically. Er, or rarely, romantically. For me, attraction is rarely any more than appreciating their aesthetic and being social with them. 

 

 

I’ve always kinda suspected I might be greysexual, with some sexual attraction. But the common asexual discourse didn’t exclude my experience, so I tried to think of myself as ace for 20 months. But it was when I felt arousal that obviously responddd to my interest in a friend, and had desire to kiss her, that I realized I had sexual attraction. Thinking back to my life experiences, I realized that I had similar levels of attraction before, I just overlooked it because the situations were such that I’d excused away as my body responding to touch, which does happen for some aces.

 

so uh, for me arousal was the major key in. Fantasy or desire can also be an obvious sign. If you have general attraction, ask yourself if that attraction ever involved sexual arousal, sexual fantasy, or sexual desire. That’s when it is definitely sexual attraction. Attraction can be multifaceted though so it can be very confusing or frustrating when it ain’t obvious. And I only know my own experience so please defer to yours if your experience conflicts with my advice. 

 

Also, longing for sexuality without any directed attraction is still sexual desire. 

 

 

 

 

Also, sexual attraction or desire can be felt by any greysexual orientation, which depending on the person can be considered ace, grey, or sexual. Some common grey labels are demisexual, lithesexual, cupiosexual, autochorissexual, as well as greysexual itself as a label, and there are others I’m unfamiliar with too. 

 

 

Keep in in mind that rule of thumb, aces prefer sexless lives, while sexual folk want sexual contact with others as a part of their life to some extent. Attraction is something which is very nuanced so while it is the best way in the English language to define sexualities, it can be confusing for aces to try to figure it out sometimes. 

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Alejandrogynous
19 hours ago, Flump222 said:

So, would this urge to touch and such be considered integral to sexual attraction?

Well yes, insofar as it would be kind of difficult to want sex without wanting to touch the other person. (Kinks and touch-phobias aside, I mean.) It would be like saying to someone, 'I really want to hang out with you but I also don't want to see or talk to you.' Even with sexual people who do have problems with touch, it's not that they don't want to touch and connect in a sexual way, it's that something is preventing them from being able to do so. It would generally cause a significant amount of distress. With an asexual person, they don't feel that desire to begin with so also not liking touch probably wouldn't affect them that strongly. Or at least not in the same way.

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