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Getting asked out - how do I say no?


the_rebecca

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It hasn’t been an issue since I’ve ventured into adulthood and work with mostly married/older folks, but here is the wierdness of being friends with mostly guys: all 4 of my guy friends asked me out during college at some point.

 

1. Asked me out after meeting me. I said “I don’t date.” And he continued to ask me out for more than a year and a half. Never truly moved on until I started dating someone my senior year.

2. Asked if there’s any reason I wouldn’t date him. I said yes but that I didn’t know why particularly (in truth, I wasn’t interested and he had a bit of a depressed/masochistic vibe), and he dropped it and moved on. (Freaking hallelujah)

3. Confessed heartfelt feelings for me after a week of panic attacksleading up to it. I said i wasn’t interested and that I valued our friendship and didn’t want to jeopardize it. He accepted it and moved on. Things were awkward as he withdrew for a bit.

4. Left me poetry under my dorm room door and gave me a flower in a pottery vase and confessed to leaving the poetry. We never really talked about it but he also moved on.

 

And the guy I started dating in senior year ghosted me when he got a ms diagnosis and depression and I’m over it, and he STILL hasn’t quite moved on.

 

Moral if the story? Guy 1 eventually apologized years later. He thought he was being persistent and cute like “they’ll eventually get together” relationships on tv shows. He realized later that he was being pushy and inappropriate.

 

but! Why the heck do I have to have a good reason to turn people down? I didn’t know I was ace at the time, but I also don’t want to lean on that as an excuse for not being interested. Or is it a valid reason? But I don’t want to come out to random people or friends as a way of turning them down.

 

Is there a better way to turn people down politely? How do you say no with a satisfying answer when the answer is “I’m not attracted to you at all and also don’t want any kind of relationship.” People don’t understand that when I say it. They think I’m trying to avoid being rude/honest.

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24 minutes ago, the_rebecca said:

It hasn’t been an issue since I’ve ventured into adulthood and work with mostly married/older folks, but here is the wierdness of being friends with mostly guys: all 4 of my guy friends asked me out during college at some point.

 

1. Asked me out after meeting me. I said “I don’t date.” And he continued to ask me out for more than a year and a half. Never truly moved on until I started dating someone my senior year.

2. Asked if there’s any reason I wouldn’t date him. I said yes but that I didn’t know why particularly (in truth, I wasn’t interested and he had a bit of a depressed/masochistic vibe), and he dropped it and moved on. (Freaking hallelujah)

3. Confessed heartfelt feelings for me after a week of panic attacksleading up to it. I said i wasn’t interested and that I valued our friendship and didn’t want to jeopardize it. He accepted it and moved on. Things were awkward as he withdrew for a bit.

4. Left me poetry under my dorm room door and gave me a flower in a pottery vase and confessed to leaving the poetry. We never really talked about it but he also moved on.

 

And the guy I started dating in senior year ghosted me when he got a ms diagnosis and depression and I’m over it, and he STILL hasn’t quite moved on.

 

Moral if the story? Guy 1 eventually apologized years later. He thought he was being persistent and cute like “they’ll eventually get together” relationships on tv shows. He realized later that he was being pushy and inappropriate.

 

but! Why the heck do I have to have a good reason to turn people down? I didn’t know I was ace at the time, but I also don’t want to lean on that as an excuse for not being interested. Or is it a valid reason? But I don’t want to come out to random people or friends as a way of turning them down.

 

Is there a better way to turn people down politely? How do you say no with a satisfying answer when the answer is “I’m not attracted to you at all and also don’t want any kind of relationship.” People don’t understand that when I say it. They think I’m trying to avoid being rude/honest.

1. Sweet Jesus, mate. Take a hint.

 

2. It is good he dropped it but a reason should not be needed. No is no.

 

As for your overall question, I don't think there is a clear cut polite way to turn someone down because unfortunately amongst those that simply take the hint and move on you have insecure people who think they are owed a reason, persistent people who won't drop it and manipulative people who have a game plan. So no matter what polite thing you have to say, they will likely hear what they want to hear.

 

I honestly think the best way is NO. That's it. If they ask why. NO. In a very matter of fact way. It is blunt but it gives absolutely no wiggle room for misinterpretation. The bold? I think it be better if you did not avoid it.

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All you have to do is say no.  If they persist, tell them you don't need a reason.  You're not interested.  If they keep going after you then you may need to look at...other means.

 

Us sexual girls get this too.  I got a guy who wouldn't leave me alone at a bus stop, so I called my dad to pick me up.  I had an uber drop me off at my neighbor's house because the driver was being inappropriate and my neighbor had guns and would work with the "I'm your daughter/sister/etc. for the next 5 minutes.  Let me inside and make sure he leaves".  I've had to pretend random strangers were related to me to get out of some really awkward situations after saying no.

 

You can also buy a fake wedding ring.  Something cheap but good for your ring finger.  I know a few women who have done that with success.

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Polygon's questionable guide to rejecting people: the three strike system

 

Person 1: (asks person 2 out)

 

Person 2: "No thanks, not really interested in that stuff right now, dating someone else, very kind of you, blah blah". The more platitudes that mean nothing, the better! 

 

Person 1: (asks again)

 

Person 2: Flat-out no. Leave no room for speculation. Do not hesitate, show no mercy. 

 

Person 1: (asks again)

 

Person 2: Time to break out the restraining order.

 

Vary bluntness to your personality. Some people don't bother with strike one and go straight to the flat-out no.

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Man of the Stoa

I'm a bit more sympathetic to the rejected than most, apparently. Dating is a skill of sorts, so it seems fine to ask why not. Sort of like asking what to improve on if you don't get a job at an interview. That said, I'm usually pretty blunt, and say something like,"I don't find you attractive and have no interest in dating you." It certainly gets the point across, though you might get called a dick (or, in your case, probably a bitch) for a bit. It generally wears off pretty quickly, though. There was an expectation of a date (or at least of not getting called unattractive) which wasn't met, so the unthinking response is anger. Like anger when you get off at traffic and the expectation of orderly driving is violated, though, the response is fairly brief. The anger isn't directed at you, per se, but rather at the experience of being rejected. At any rate, there isn't any confusion about playing hard to get or anything like that when being so blunt.

 

Note that my advice here may or may not be useful, as dating is still a very gendered scene. Also, in reality I'm not usually so upfront unless need. What normally happens, and this is where the gendered bit comes in, is women drop hints that get progressively stronger, and I just pretend not to notice until they lose interest. Of the women that do ask, I usually politely decline, which is usually met with polite acceptance. When it isn't accepted, that's when I say, "I don't find you attractive and have no interest in dating you." It's usually offensive to her, but I've never really felt in danger afterwards (In fact, usually the offense is directed inward by the woman feeling inadequate. The logic seems to go: Men are meant to want sex all the time, so if a man doesn't want to have sex with a woman, then I must be particularly bad. If anyone knows a better turn down when things get to this point that can spare feelings, I'd love to hear it. Coming out as asexual doesn't seem to be of any comfort, oddly. One would think there wouldn't be any low self-esteem if the other doesn't feel attraction to any women, but I suppose this is an emotional matter, not a rational one).

 

I'll also throw in that my experience with men asking me out has always gone well, but I suspect that's because gay men shooting in the dark are aware that it's unlikely the target will even be gay, let alone attracted to them specifically, so this is probably irrelevant information to you as well. I only mention it to say that people in general aren't psychotic about a breakup.

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24 minutes ago, Man of the Stoa said:

I'm a bit more sympathetic to the rejected than most, apparently. Dating is a skill of sorts, so it seems fine to ask why not. Sort of like asking what to improve on if you don't get a job at an interview. That said, I'm usually pretty blunt, and say something like,"I don't find you attractive and have no interest in dating you." It certainly gets the point across, though you might get called a dick (or, in your case, probably a bitch) for a bit. It generally wears off pretty quickly, though. There was an expectation of a date (or at least of not getting called unattractive) which wasn't met, so the unthinking response is anger. Like anger when you get off at traffic and the expectation of orderly driving is violated, though, the response is fairly brief. The anger isn't directed at you, per se, but rather at the experience of being rejected. At any rate, there isn't any confusion about playing hard to get or anything like that when being so blunt.

 

Note that my advice here may or may not be useful, as dating is still a very gendered scene. Also, in reality I'm not usually so upfront unless need. What normally happens, and this is where the gendered bit comes in, is women drop hints that get progressively stronger, and I just pretend not to notice until they lose interest. Of the women that do ask, I usually politely decline, which is usually met with polite acceptance. When it isn't accepted, that's when I say, "I don't find you attractive and have no interest in dating you." It's usually offensive to her, but I've never really felt in danger afterwards (In fact, usually the offense is directed inward by the woman feeling inadequate. The logic seems to go: Men are meant to want sex all the time, so if a man doesn't want to have sex with a woman, then I must be particularly bad. If anyone knows a better turn down when things get to this point that can spare feelings, I'd love to hear it. Coming out as asexual doesn't seem to be of any comfort, oddly. One would think there wouldn't be any low self-esteem if the other doesn't feel attraction to any women, but I suppose this is an emotional matter, not a rational one).

 

I'll also throw in that my experience with men asking me out has always gone well, but I suspect that's because gay men shooting in the dark are aware that it's unlikely the target will even be gay, let alone attracted to them specifically, so this is probably irrelevant information to you as well. I only mention it to say that people in general aren't psychotic about a breakup.

The problem with the why not? is four fold.

 

1) It ain't on the person being asked to soothe the other person's insecurity because in some of the cases it is all about the person asking.

 

2) It can be interpreted as a maybe "If you improve this, I will see you as more attractive." The person being asked does not want to risk this awkward situation arising because they do not know if the one asking will be the clingy sort.

 

3) Everyone is different, so someone giving a legit reason will likely do fuck all for the person asking when they attempt again with someone different.

 

4) A lot of the time there is no reason why so people are being pestered to make up a reason in order to be left alone. That does not help the one asking at all. If anything, you can create new insecurities for the one asking by making up something. A simple NO does not target anything specific within a person for them to dwell on.

 

Overall, it is better for everyone involved for the one asking to get used to NO and only NO. Fact of the matter is the vast majority will turn you down for absolutely no good reason but because they just aren't interested. So you take the loss until one day you win.

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"No thanks"

 

Quote

but! Why the heck do I have to have a good reason to turn people down?

You don't need any reason, but it won't stop people from asking why because they're desperate.

 

"I don't feel like it" is really sufficient.

 

Quote

Coming out as asexual doesn't seem to be of any comfort, oddly. One would think there wouldn't be any low self-esteem if the other doesn't feel attraction to any women, but I suppose this is an emotional matter, not a rational one).

A lot of people won't even really understand what asexual means.  People can't comprehend someone having zero interest in anything.  You'd have better luck trying to tell them you're gay, because that's at least a concept they'll understand.

 

But really, such excuses are unnecessary when you just "don't feel like it"

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NerotheReaper

Saying no,  should be all you have to say to someone. Though some people feel like they can convince someone otherwise, that's not good and not a good way to start a relationship. Both sides should be into it. You shouldn't feel like you owe someone an explanation, your decision is your decision and it should be respected. That is in an ideal world. It is also good to sound confident in your answer, some people if they hear a certain tone to your voice they might try to latch on and convince you to change your mind. You don't have to be mean about it, but just no or no thanks. If you ask why, you can keep it simple like "I don't want to date." If they cannot respect that well that says a lot about them as a person. Rejection can suck, but how one reacts to being rejected is important to note and think about. 

 

 

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So it's been a while since I've been asked out (excepting my neighbor's kid who hit on me) and I'm also closer to being aro than not.  I'm also super open that in general dating, romance, sex (when it pertains to me), etc. really ticks me off to the point I might lose my temper.  I might have also implied that asking me out would mean you're not quite right in the head.

 

Sometimes if you're completely not open to the idea making that clear in your life stops some awkwardness.

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Tell them how it is and your disinterest in dating them, but with the level of respect you feel they deserve. If they're jerks, show no mercy. If they're genuinely good to you, let them down softly but firmly.

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Lord Jade Cross

 

 

You people are all missing  the most important aspect. Get asked out once, say no. Get asked out twice, taser them. Problem solved :D

 

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My general policy with rejection:

 

1. A friend asks you the first time: "Sorry, but no thank you. I'm just not interested, you see?" 

 

2. If the friend thinks you're being sarcastic when you say no: "I am not interested in you, and there's nothing you can do to change that."

 

3. If the person (accquaintance, friend, can be anyone really) is polite but asks you a second time: "I told you the first time, I don't want to."

 

4. If the person persists annoyingly: "No. Conversation over."

 

5. If the person involved acts like an absolute jerk: "P*ss off, ya dingus" 

 

6. If the person involved has passed through all of the above filters and then complains about being friendzoned and creates a drama s**t show: "Friendzoned? You don't even act like a friend. You've been enemy-zoned!!"

 

Most people begin to get the message, with time.

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15 minutes ago, StormySky said:

5. If the person involved acts like an absolute jerk: "P*ss off, ya dingus"

 

I can't wait to use this one. :lol: And the one about enemy-zoning them.

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2 minutes ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

 

I can't wait to use this one. :lol: And the one about enemy-zoning them.

It should really be a last resort, though. Don't be a jerk until they deserve it.

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Hmm, so interesting to read all this shit.. I’m a heteroromantic asexual guy, only asked out 4 girls in my 27 year old life. The answer was no from all 4 but always in a much gentler way than just NO.. no was never used even, there was always a long kind explanation, that I didn’t ask for, that meant no in the end. Although 3 out of these 4 I was already friends with. The first one was as a junior in high school, unfortunately I couldn’t let her go. I persisted and persisted and she threatened me with the restraining order bullshit, that never happened but we both had to have a meeting with the school counselor talking about how she didn’t like me and how I needed to give her space.. I couldn’t even do that and it went soon after that to a visit with the principle and her and me losing my shit and throwing a chair and screaming and cursing and crying!! That being said that was a huge learning experience of how not to get with girls.. and if I ever get like how I did as a teenager I will just kill myself.. anywho the last 2 young ladies I asked out were very gentle and sweet in turning me down and we remained friends. I always been a sucker for girls who were sweet and friendly towards me, who I also found attractive too.  And I have never attempted to ask out either of those last two ever again. One is engaged and the other is just interested in someone else, and I respect that. It’s hard and hurts but I let it go, as friends is so much better than flipping out in the high school principles office over a romantic obsession..

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"No thanks" is all that is necessary to say.  You don't need to be a training module for someone who's trying to learn how to get a date.  

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Hey the_rebecca

 

Sounds like a pickle of a situation... If they are being that persistent and you still aren't interested I would probably confront them and give them a big, fat N.O.

It seems like they can't quite take a hint, or they are just super optimistic. In reality, if you are completely sure that you do not want to date them, I would talk seriously with them and just say No, I am not interested. If they were to bug me any further than that I would most-likely block them.

 

I know it's hard to bring people's hopes down but sometimes you have to put yourself first. And in serious relationships, you need to look at how those relationships can effect you. You want to be in relationships which make you become a better person.

 

Best of luck!

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Extroverted Introvert

I've been in a very similar situation (although not as creepy). I'm in college and there is this one dude a year below me. He has asked me on a date every single time has has seen me. This started halfway through his freshmen year and has continued for two years. I think there is a point where you can stop trying to be overly polite. For me, it has worked to point out to them how their actions are inappropriate. I believe I used a line similar to "Why when I said 'no' did you hear 'please keep trying?' It's not cute or flattering. It it annoying and could be viewed as harassment." It got the point across and they realize that the attention really is unwanted.

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My friend told me to say, "Thank you, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested."  And simple is best - you might be able to lie to someone that you know you probably won't see again and say you're already in a relationship, etc, but if it's a co-worker or a friend who's asking you out, simple and straight (but gentle) truth is best. Women are taught to spare people's feelings, but it's best to give as strong a 'no' as possible so that the guy doesn't think there's a chance down the road. (And if you have anything conditional in the statement like, "I'm too busy now" or "my head's not in the right place" or "I'm dating someone else" the guy will often just hear the conditional part and think that once the condition changes, he can ask again.)

 

My college roommate was social with a ton of friends, and she said when she started to get the sense that one of her male friends was going to ask her out, she'd say something like, "I'm glad we're friends. You're like a brother to me."

 

Gavin de Becker wrote The Gift of Fear, about different types of violence. There's a quote in the book along the lines of, 'men who can't let go will pursue women who can't say no.'  So he has an example of an explicit rejection, which can be used for a person who continually asks you out: "No matter what you may have assumed till now, and no matter for what reason you assumed it, I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever. I am certain I never will. I expect that knowing this, you'll put your attention elsewhere, which I understand, because that's what I intend to do."  After that point, if the guy continues to pursue - like dude #1 - you probably could think about cutting off all contact because it means they don't respect you.

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1 hour ago, Extroverted Introvert said:

I've been in a very similar situation (although not as creepy). I'm in college and there is this one dude a year below me. He has asked me on a date every single time has has seen me. This started halfway through his freshmen year and has continued for two years. I think there is a point where you can stop trying to be overly polite. For me, it has worked to point out to them how their actions are inappropriate. I believe I used a line similar to "Why when I said 'no' did you hear 'please keep trying?' It's not cute or flattering. It it annoying and could be viewed as harassment." It got the point across and they realize that the attention really is unwanted.

Wow, two years of that? You have patience. It's incredible how they don't realise their actions are bothersome. Like, how deep a hole do you have to fall in to be completely unaware that two years of asking is not ok?

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I find that most men who doesn't get what they want which is sex get aggressive in some way or another.  If not physically than verbally. I would like to meet one man who just really wants to be friends without any expectations of any kind of sexual relationship. They might hang out with me as long as they can touch me n rub on me n when I tell them to stop they act like I did something wrong. I kind of find it better to hang with ppl who are not sexual at all yet. Like kids bc most everyone is sexual n think every relationship leads to sex.

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Extroverted Introvert
2 hours ago, umbasa said:

Wow, two years of that? You have patience. It's incredible how they don't realise their actions are bothersome. Like, how deep a hole do you have to fall in to be completely unaware that two years of asking is not ok?

After his freshmen year, we weren't living in the same building so we saw each other far less often. And he never got pushy. So the entire situation really could have been so much worse than it was. I was confused why he didn't understand "no means no" earlier than he did. But I just kept turning him down.

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