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In a romantic relationship when should you tell them that your ace?


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I've been thinking about this a lot recently and I'm kind of looking for opinions of people that may have been in a similar position. If you meet someone, not using one of the Ace dating sites, and decide to pursue a romantic relationship with them when is a good time to mention your Ace?

 

I've never really thought of sex as being that big of a deal but some people at my school seem to act like it's the be all end all in a relationship (or even just in general). I don't want to "string someone along" (as I've heard some boys put it) by not making it clear that sex isn't something I want. I don't think that I'll be having a conversation with a partner about sex in a while (years and years hopefully) but this is something that consistently worries me when thinking about the future. If anyone has any suggestions it would really help.

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13 minutes ago, Awkward Potato said:

If you meet someone, not using one of the Ace dating sites, and decide to pursue a romantic relationship with them when is a good time to mention your Ace?

Tell them BEFORE you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with them.

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Early on. If you don't want to talk about sex for years and years, you could potentially wasting years and years of your life and this person's life, and that's not fair to anyone. 

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NerotheReaper

Tell them early on, just so they don't feel hurt or feel like you lead them on. You don't have to be like "Hi, my name is Awkward Potato and I am asexual!" but mentioning it early on is only fair to them and yourself. 

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I would like them to tell me as soon as possible, possibly before we decide to pursue a relationship, so we know from the beginning each other's needs/boundaries.

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Tell the at the very start. They have the right to know and make informed decision. Also this way a possible break-up will be maybe easier to handle. Hopefully your honesty will be appreciated...

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Sometimes I do it like, right away. Like either put it in my online profiles (I have this picture on my Tinder haha)

 

Spoiler

Bojack%20Horseman.jpg

 

Or just ask someone who messages me right off the bat, 'could you date someone who's asexual?' On the other hand, if you're not ready right away to tell them, it's okay. It's a hard thing to bring up. I know some people might be angry or feel like you lead them on, but I also don't think everyone realizes how terrifying it can be to tell someone. Hopefully the other person would be a little understanding.

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I would say, as soon as you start to be that serious that it could be the beginning of a romantic relationship. I know this is a difficult thing to grasp for some asexuals. 

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I’m a really candid and blunt individual so I’d just tell them as soon as a relationship is about to be established. I’d give them the “are you sure?” sort of talk, even if that would ruin my chances cause that’s just how I am. Of course, I’m not really interested in romance, but if I was, I’d tell them right away that I may not be all that great at the whole sexy stuff. Theoretically, it doesn’t seem all that bad (no experience 🤷🏻‍♂️), I’m just kinda indifferent to it, and that lack of enthusiasm could cause a potential partner to feel dissatisfied.

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I don't know what anyone should do here. honest I don't. 

 

 

honest I don't even know what I'd do. 

 

 

I like @Serran 's rule of thumb. It's simple and free of moral weight and flexible. 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Before the first date, every time! ..Not that I date, but I would if I dated (and I don't even ID as asexual, but I'm not suuuuper sexual and am more like an ace than a sexual in lots of ways, so I'd make that very clear from the very first communication) :) ...oops, just realized this thread is kind of old, haha

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8 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Before the first date, every time! ..Not that I date, but I would if I dated (and I don't even ID as asexual, but I'm not suuuuper sexual and am more like an ace than a sexual in lots of ways, so I'd make that very clear from the very first communication) :) ...oops, just realized this thread is kind of old, haha

It would be kind of weird if a guy walks up in a store and asks you out to be like "My name is Pan, I'm not into sex, that still ok?" Lol that's why I say by third date at least. Americans tend to like to date total strangers where you don't even know their job, let alone their interest in sex beforehand ... You might not even know their last name ha

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Purple Wanderer

Early. Early as possible, after the initial yes we like each other phase... but before you get too invested

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On 2/14/2018 at 2:59 PM, Serran said:

If stranger - by 3rd date

If friend - before first date 

 

My rule of thumb 

This is a good general rule!  As you say we often date total strangers so in that case I'd be a little reluctant to bring up sex at all prior to or on the first date, but no later than the 3rd

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1 hour ago, Serran said:

It would be kind of weird if a guy walks up in a store and asks you out to be like "My name is Pan, I'm not into sex, that still ok?" Lol that's why I say by third date at least. Americans tend to like to date total strangers where you don't even know their job, let alone their interest in sex beforehand ... You might not even know their last name ha

ahaha nooo I didn't mean that exactly, I meant when someone (who you already know) asks you out on a date, you say ''I do think you're very cute and funny, and I would like to go on a date with you, but I need to let you know beforehand that I'm asexual/not really into sex/whatever, so if you'd still like to pursue a date with me knowing that, then I'd love to have dinner with you'' or whatever. Same with online dating, only you put it in your profile, so anyone who wants to message you already knows about your asexuality/lack of interest in sex/whatever.

 

Though like I said, I don't date.. I always make sure anyone I become friends with knows full-well of how I am sexually (which isn't hard because I don't really have friends and only communicate with people on AVEN!!) and if that moves into a relationship (like with my current partner) they were already well aware before it ever got to the point of 'going further'. I personally couldn't wait until the third date like you said in your rule, because it can take a lot less time than that for some people to really start liking someone and I wouldn't want someone to be going into it thinking we're going to be having raging hot steamy sex all the time soon :P I'd hate to see the look on their face when they realize that won't be happening!!! haha

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@Serran, I forgot to say, if a random guy walked up to me in a store and asked me on a date it would be an INSTANT no because (to me anyway) that's just so dangerous, and I'd also know he only noticed me for physical reasons (ie boobs - my physical attributes would be what drew him to me as he wouldn't know my personality or anything!). If he asked for my number, that might be different, but I'd tell him in text about my sexuality before it got to the point of actually dating him.. I'm one of those people who needs extensive text and email communication before 'going that bit extra' with someone anyway, so there would be ample time to tell them.

 

Out of interest, would you actually go out with someone who walked up to you in a store and asked you out, knowing that it's your body and face he saw first which is what attracted him to you? (meaning he's probably thinking 'sexy times!!', haha).. it just seems more insidious to me knowing it was your body and face that attracted that person to you (as opposed to reading your profile on a dating site, being your work colleague, knowing you from school, you being recommended to them by a mutual friend, being your friend already [which is obviously ideal!] anything like that where the person has a better idea of your personality etc).

 

If someone isn't interested in me based solely on my personality (so they'd love me no matter what I look like) then I have no interest in them at all!

 

This is all just my personal preferences for dating though of course, just to clarify :) 

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3 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Out of interest, would you actually go out with someone who walked up to you in a store and asked you out,

These guys are always skeevy as hell, but there are ways that I might meet people where I feel like it would be less physically driven but I would still consider them a relative stranger.  For example, if I met someone at a street festival, or coffee shop, or comic convention and got to know them a little.  Then at the end of the encounter they asked me out, I would likely say yes, but still consider them a stranger.  In this situation I think the 3rd date thing would be a good idea.  Enough time to establish a connection but not so much that they're heavily invested

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3 minutes ago, Claire1983 said:

These guys are always skeevy as hell, but there are ways that I might meet people where I feel like it would be less physically driven but I would still consider them a relative stranger.  For example, if I met someone at a street festival, or coffee shop, or comic convention and got to know them a little.  Then at the end of the encounter they asked me out, I would likely say yes, but still consider them a stranger.  In this situation I think the 3rd date thing would be a good idea.  Enough time to establish a connection but not so much that they're heavily invested

I agree definitely if we had a conversation first then it wouldn't be so uncomfortable, and would give you time to know if you actually were interested in that person or not. I am someone who needs in-depth text communication so would get their number during the convo and would have had to share at least 20,000 words (at the very minimum) in text before it actually got to dating them physically. During that time I'd DEFINITELY tell them everything about my sexuality if things seemed to be moving forward (and I'd want to know everything about theirs too) and if things moved on beyond that and we actually made it to 'first date' we'd already fully know everything there is to know beforehand which takes pressure off us both :lol:

 

I understand not everyone is as weird about dating as I am though haha, third date seems reasonable for most people who aren't as, er, paranoid? as me, but definitely no longer than that!! They definitely could be getting feelings by the third date (and you might too!) and if sexual incompatibility is going to be a massive issue for them to the extent they don't want to be in a relationship with you then the sooner that's out of the way the better! 

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@FictoVore.  Understandable! I'm much more likely to want to connect with someone face to face during that get to know you phase.  Even without sexual attraction, chemistry is an important aspect and I'm a better judge of that in person than over text so I would likely treat the first two dates as a get to know you phase.

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1 minute ago, Claire1983 said:

@FictoVore.  Understandable! I'm much more likely to want to connect with someone face to face during that get to know you phase.  Even without sexual attraction, chemistry is an important aspect and I'm a better judge of that in person than over text so I would likely treat the first two dates as a get to know you phase.

It's so weird for me because I'm only able to experience physical chemistry through text, not in person :/ Text is like, deeply passionate and emotional and moving for me.. and being in person is like ''Okay.. bored now''. I feel soooo much closer to the person when I am engaging with their words, mind to mind, without the physical bodies being in the way of that. Even sexual intimacy for me is soooooo much more pleasurable and intimately enjoyable through text than physically having sex in person (I've never once enjoyed sex in person!!). However, I know that most people feel those emotions through being with the person physically so I can totally see why being in person would be so much more important to the vast majority of the population (and this works in my favor because anyone who is like 'lets not text anymore, lets go out for dinner' isn't going to be the one for me!!) :P

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As soon as possible. It may help avoid a lot of complications.

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On 3/13/2018 at 7:56 PM, FictoVore. said:

 

 

Out of interest, would you actually go out with someone who walked up to you in a store and asked you out, knowing that it's your body and face he saw first which is what attracted him to you? (meaning he's probably thinking 'sexy times!!', haha).. it just seems more insidious to me knowing it was your body and face that attracted that person to you (as opposed to reading your profile on a dating site, being your work colleague, knowing you from school, you being recommended to them by a mutual friend, being your friend already [which is obviously ideal!] anything like that where the person has a better idea of your personality etc).

 

Would I? No. But, then, I found I can't date people unless I have known them for at least 6 months, typically more like a year ... it takes that long for my romantic attraction to develop. Dating without it is too awkward cause people want kissing and all and I'm just not into it, but potentially could be later... just have no idea. :lol: 

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