Dead_account123

Romantic relationship + negative emotional effects?

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Dead_account123

I was wondering if any one else had tried being in a romantic relationship and just being in one had negatively effected them emotionally?

I’ll explain my experience to try and clarify. (Sorry it’s very long)

 

About 2 years ago before I found out about asexuality I was very confused about my sexual/romantic orientation. I felt like something was wrong with me and although I had (and still have) no desire to enter any type of romantic or sexual relationship, I somehow convinced myself that if I tried such a relationship I might somehow “fix” myself. So when one of my classmates asked me of I wanted to go on a date with them I said yes. That started my first and only “relationship”. We were together for about 3 weeks before I broke it off.  Those 3 weeks where awful I hated every moment of it. I was really moody, hardly slept and lost my appetite. Just thinking about going into class put me on eadge and I even skipped class and stayed at home at one point (skipping class is not something I do). When I was at class I would dread the end of the day because we would walk back to the bus station together and that meant holding hands (I hated this but kept telling myself that if I continued I would somehow start to enjoy it).

 

It’s awful because I feel like I hurt them and they didn’t deserve that but after I broke up with them I felt so relieved, ma mam said “it’s like a weights been lifted of your shoulders”. 

 

Note: I should clarify that they were really kind and never made me to do anything they even took my break up with them really well. During those 3 weeks they asked to kiss me a couple of times but I rejected every time and they where very understanding even though I couldn’t properly explain to myself why I wouldn’t, never mind to them.

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stellamara

I've never been in a 'proper' romantic relationship, but I can definitely see where you're coming from.

 

Whenever someone approaches me, and I realise that they're 'into' me, I firstly never know how to exactly respond. A few times, I've tried my best to make myself like them back in return romantically. But when I do this, it tends to drain me emotionally. I want to like them, but I just can't sum up the adequate response - and then I feel depressed, and down in myself. My family (particularly my mother) has put some amount of pressure to find someone, and that added pressure also has its weight. I imagine that if I did get into a fully fledged relationship, my response would be similar to yours.

 

I hope you don't feel alone in feeling this way in regards to relationships. I'm definitely in the same boat as you. And at the end of the day, I truly think if something is getting you down, there should be no pressure to continue with it. 

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Gldlynch

Hey srs

 

I'm sorry that your relationship played out as such a negative experience.

 

From reading your description... have you ever considered yourself aromantic? Not just asexual? Because to me it sounds like your attempt to "fix" asexuality resulted in finding out that you are most-likely somewhere on the aro spectrum also. Not saying this is a bad thing at all! Perhaps just something to be aware of.

 

I think it's a good thing that you cut it off after 3 weeks, it shows that you know your boundaries. It's also good to hear that your partner was a relaxed person.

 

Sometimes the only way we can discover ourselves is by testing our boundaries and clearly you took on this challenge when you started dating, so absolute props to you. I feel like relationships shouldn't be something to get overly nervous about, other than the stereotypical butterflies. If you do find yourself wrapped in nerves, they are probably not the right person for you. I'm not saying relationships should be easy but if you are with the right person, it shouldn't be overly difficult or awkward. Whether it may be a crush or squish, I'm sure the future will be alright for you! Be confident and don't be afraid to do you (:

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Bri is Me

Similar experiences actually brought me to the realization that I was asexual.  Between the ages of 14 and 16, I was in two relationships.  At 14, I dated a guy during my last month of school, and though we were the same age, he obviously wanted to take things much further than I intended.  Somehow I managed to get through that month without even having to kiss him (I turned him down several times), but after summer started, I couldn't bring myself to respond to his messages, and I didn't know why.  It made me feel weird to think about being with him, and maybe even sort of depressed for awhile. 

 

By the next year, I had figured that I must be gay, and I had a friend who must have been questioning as well.  She lived several hours away, so we mostly texted, sometimes talking over the phone, but I started feeling the same sort of "depressed" when talking to her.  Though she seemed to feel the same way near the end.  She was the one who cut contact this time.

 

  I was 17 when another friend introduced me to the term "asexual" and ever since, I've been much happier.  Though I haven't been in a relationship for four years, I expect now that I know who I am, I have faith that the next time around might not go so badly.

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Autumn Season

It's similar for me. A romantic relationship makes me feel very responsible. Like the happiness of the other person depends on me. I stress out over the smallest things. It feels like work. (And I'm not even aro.) At the end the relationship in combination with the usual everyday tasks can completely drain my energy.

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Dead_account123
7 hours ago, Gldlynch said:

have you ever considered yourself aromantic? Not just asexual? Because to me it sounds like your attempt to "fix" asexuality resulted in finding out that you are most-likely somewhere on the aro spectrum also.

I identify as both aromantic and asexual and your right the experance was a large part in discovering this about myself. :D

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SilentRose

All I can say is that I really really really really really relate to this :D

 

I once had a relationship with a guy that I really wanted to work, he was incredibly successful and handsome, but it gave me horrible anxiety to be in a relationship with him. 

 

I consider it a most as a second job. I had a checklist in my mind, talk to him for at least a half hour a night, send him texts during the day At least once, have sex with him at least once a week, buy him presents for this anniversary and that one...it really did feel like a chore. I'm someone who with my anxiety and depression can barely handle a full time job and maintaing a handful of friendships. Eventually I had to break up because the stress was eating me alive. 

 

I am in a relationship now, but it's much different. I have a ton of space, which is absolutely vital, and it's similar to a close friendship more than a relationship in a lot of ways. So it is possible to find a good relationship even if you're like me and can't handle 90% of them. 

 

 

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helana12_03

Yes. I can relate. I also felt like crap when I was in a romantic relationship. I hated the commitment part of it and the person it was turning me into. It also felt extremely unnatural for me to be in a relationship. The guy was nice and all and I really liked him, so that wasn't the issue. Relationships aren't for everyone.

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