Paneeda

Is it ok if your partner gets their sexual needs met elsewhere?

Recommended Posts

Paneeda

So I'm new to this community.

 

hello ^_^

 

just a question for asexuals living with sexuals, would you be offended if your partner got their needs met elsewhere? 

Provided he/she didn't lie to cover it up if you asked?

 

Given the lack of interest in sex with your partner, surely they'd get more out of a sexual relationship with someone else?

recently I've questioned if this would bother me or not. I've never been sexually possessive in that way.

Part of me thinks that if I can't make them happy, then they'd be better off with someone else, but I think that we do make each other happy and if that's what they are missing then I could be open to the idea.

 

crazy? 

 

 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
5 minutes ago, Paneeda said:

So I'm new to this community.

 

hello ^_^

 

just a question for asexuals living with sexuals, would you be offended if your partner got their needs met elsewhere? 

Provided he/she didn't lie to cover it up if you asked?

 

Given the lack of interest in sex with your partner, surely they'd get more out of a sexual relationship with someone else?

recently I've questioned if this would bother me or not. I've never been sexually possessive in that way.

Part of me thinks that if I can't make them happy, then they'd be better off with someone else, but I think that we do make each other happy and if that's what they are missing then I could be open to the idea.

 

crazy? 

 

 

Personally, I am monogamous so I'd not be happy, even if we weren't having sex. But, some people are poly and open to the idea. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lovelykat

Definitely not crazy! 

 

I think truly it depends on the person, asexual or not, some people are fine with their partners seeing other people and some are not. 

 

For me, commitment and loyalty are key and I'm firmly monogamous...I think a partner having a sexual relationship with someone else, even if he told me about it, would hurt me deeply. 

 

However, there are plenty of people who I'm sure would be completely fine with it as long as their partner was honest with them and it was simply a matter of fulfilling a sexual need, not something done out of spite or lack of intimacy. 

 

So the true answer, I guess, is whatever you and your partner are comfortable and happy with. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lucas Monteiro

I don't think it's a crazy idea, and even some aces from the forum here are open to this idea in their relationships. I'm not at the moment in any romantic relationship but I wouldn't mind if the person would get their sexual needs with someone else, because if I wouldn't want to do sex with them, why should I feel jealous or possessive in this way if they do meet their needs elsewhere ? If they communicate to me about it, and don't hide from me, I wouldn't mind at all. 

 

But of course, there is some asexual people that are monogamous that aren't open to the idea, and when you have both sides with some part of the reason/justification, then it can be really hard to have an open communication. Anyway, that's my opinion.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
NerotheReaper

I mean long as everyone is aware of the situation and is happy with it. As someone who is asexual, it would hurt me to see my partner out having sex with someone to meet their needs. This being said, I am monogamous so this isn't something I would consider. I would talk with my partner and compromise with them. Make sure they are happy with their needs met, but keep myself happy as well. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dotisv

This will probably sound sexist and weird so forgive me, but they are my feelings.
If  I were to be in a relationship with a non asexual, and she needed more than  could give her, I think I would be okay with it as long as she was only with other woman. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Moon Spirit ☽

I think it depends on what you are okay with. If you are strongly against your partner having sex with other people, your feelings are probably not going to change.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer

The question is: Are you okay with your partner getting their sexual needs met elsewhere? Other people's opinions shouldn't really matter here IMO.

  • Like 14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
straightouttamordor

Trouble is if you are Asexual and your partner is sexual eventually they will want to be with a sexual partner for good. Especially if they develop an emotional bond. Then you will have out lived your usefulness. Unless they kept you around out of sheer guilt or pity. And is there really any such thing as sexual "needs" ?  Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ? Just questions. 

  • Like 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FictoVore.
1 hour ago, dotisv said:

This will probably sound sexist and weird so forgive me, but they are my feelings.
If  I were to be in a relationship with a non asexual, and she needed more than  could give her, I think I would be okay with it as long as she was only with other woman. 

I'd be in the same sort of boat I think. I'm not ace, and my partner isn't ace, but in this situation I'd weirdly be kind of okay with him having sex with someone else as long as it was only men (and I'd need to be able to see it happening, haha). If he touches a woman though he'll lose a hand (or something else) :P 

 

It wouldn't be an issue anyway because I did met him here and he was IDing as ace at the time. He's one of those people who can be just as happy with sex as without it :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nowhere Girl

It's hypothetic for me because I'm not in any relationship, but a thing I'm sure about is that I couldn't "provide" sex. No way, it's not a thing I could do. But I feel like I could accept a non-monogamous relationship with my partner finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Some people have said that they would be afraid that a bond could develop between the partner and their lover and that they could lose their partner this way, so they would prefer their partner to have casual sex. For me it's the opposite: I don't accept casual sex and wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship with a person who think it's great. If I had a partner who wanted an open relationship, I'd prefer her to have sex with someone who was a friend to both of us.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027

I wouldn't be comfortable with it.  I'd rather they just go be with that other person completely.

 

Quote

Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ?

lol, no.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lucas Monteiro
2 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

I'd be in the same sort of boat I think. I'm not ace, and my partner isn't ace, but in this situation I'd weirdly be kind of okay with him having sex with someone else as long as it was only men (and I'd need to be able to see it happening, haha). If he touches a woman though he'll lose a hand (or something else) :P 

I'm curious, why would you be okay with your partner having sex with men and not okay if he had with women? It's because of the emotional connection that can happen with a woman for him or just cause he doesn't feel romantic/sexual feelings for men ? You don't need to answer, if you don't want of course.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FictoVore.
5 minutes ago, Lucas Monteiro said:

I'm curious, why would you be okay with your partner having sex with men and not okay if he had with women? It's because of the emotional connection that can happen with a woman for him or just cause he doesn't feel romantic/sexual feelings for men ? You don't need to answer, if you don't want of course.  

haha well, I was more joking than anything as my partner and I are monogamous of course, but the reason I wouldn't have such an issue with him having sex with a man is that I think men having sex is really hot and as my partner isn't emotionally or sexually attracted to men I know it wouldn't really be that enjoyable from him (that's mean I know but I'm just being honest here!). On top of that,I don't experience jealousy at all towards men.. but I get sick with jealousy if my partner even talks to another woman :o (fortunately he's super anti social and just stays in his room when he's not in lectures at uni!). 

 

Edit: I also can't STAND the idea of a woman getting any kind of pleasure from my partner, but I don't experience the same pain when I think of a man getting pleasure from him. I can't really explain it, it's a physical reaction inside my body that I can't control. Probably my body sees women as a threat to my relationship, but feels no threat from a man? It's weird!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lucas Monteiro
3 hours ago, prib23 said:

Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ? Just questions. 

It's just an over exaggeration from sexual people, of course you can't die cause of sexual deprivation, but if you truly depends to be happy then it can get though if you won't be able to "get some of it". I believe we asexuals can't truly comprehend what they go through, because I could have my entire life without sex and be really fine.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FictoVore.
8 hours ago, prib23 said:

Trouble is if you are Asexual and your partner is sexual eventually they will want to be with a sexual partner for good. Especially if they develop an emotional bond. Then you will have out lived your usefulness. Unless they kept you around out of sheer guilt or pity. And is there really any such thing as sexual "needs" ?  Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ? Just questions. 

 A lot of people seem to be forgetting here that some asexuals are happy to compromise, or at least can do it for their partners sake. My sexual ex never would have left me because he got so much sex from me even though I hated every second of it and never wanted it for myself. I couldn't have gone on like that forever but if he was less abusive, kinder, more interested in giving me pleasure also (like foot massages!) I would have been able to do the compromise a lot more happily. In 5 years he never even made me a coffee or cooked me a meal, and screwed other women all the time :/ I was usually working, doing all the housework, feeding him, and having to give him sex twice a day to try to keep him happy. I do believe that if he'd been more 'normal' (like, wanting to make me happy too) it could have worked due to my willingness to compromise. I ended up leaving him due to violence during pregnancy (he's in jail now) but yeah, I'm just saying, sometimes asexuals are perfectly capable of compromising if they feel respected and loved by their partner. (And I was able to for 5 years even though I wasn't being respected in any way).

 

All that aside, after many years of celibacy after leaving him I finally met an asexual on AVEN and we began experimenting sexually and realized that with each other, we can enjoy certain sexual acts enough to actually want to have them together, that's why I don't ID as asexual anymore. But up until meeting him I was 'functionally' 100% asexual my entire adult life. Never desired or enjoyed sex in any way. Compromise was still possible though and I know plenty of other asexuals here who can compromise (and sexuals who can go with less sex, meaning both people in the relationship can be relatively happy intimately).

 

I'm just saying, an asexual/sexual relationship doesn't automatically equal total celibacy as some seem to think. Some asexuals sacrifice a lot to keep their sexual partner happy (just as some sexual people sacrifice a lot to keep their asexual partner happy!!).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
heapinfrimp

I have never had a "partner."  I could see myself sharing space with someone to whom I was close that was not a partner and who did have that inclination addressed elsewhere.  I think, if somebody needed sexual encounters, whoever they got that from who be who they desired primary emotional intimacy with, on some level.

 

I have seen " Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ?" quoted a few times.  I think people have, indirectly.  When your hormones turn on, you may want to do insane things to meet their demands, and some people will go further and do worse things than others.  Many of the worst crimes have sexual frustration at their cores.  I do not believe, I HOPE that is not directly relevant here!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

I have seen " Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ?" quoted a few times.  I think people have, indirectly.  When your hormones turn on, you may want to do insane things to meet their demands, and some people will go further and do worse things than others.  Many of the worst crimes have sexual frustration at their cores.  I do not believe, I HOPE that is not directly relevant here!

Yeah, that's not dying of sexual deprivation, that's dying because you're cuckoo.

 

But I see what you mean by "indirectly"

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
borkfork

A lot of people on AVEN (and people in general) conveniently forget sex isn't just smooshing genitals together or against/into other body parts. It's a bonding activity. It's a way for people feel wanted and loved. Humans can't control their emotions or the chemicals being released into their brains. In the case of monogamous, romantic people like me, trying to control these things will cause someone to get hurt. 

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally

As Borkfork said, sex for most sexuals is bonding and mutual pleasure (which is why sexuals are apt not to enjoy sex with asexuals as they would with other sexuals, because the asexuals don't really enjoy sex for sex's sake).   So it's not likely to be just a sexual relationship.  Also, there is the third person to consider:  most  people aren't terribly interested in being simply a sexual outlet for someone whose partner is more important than they are.  

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
7 hours ago, prib23 said:

And is there really any such thing as sexual "needs" ?  Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ? 

There are, in the same way there's a need for communication between humans, because sex is largely about communication for sexuals. The need is akin to needing time, attention, caring. Nobody dies physically without it, but it can a relationship lacking sexual intimacy generally leads to the sexual partner feeling lonely, isolation and rejected, and often depressed. Dismissing this with 'nobody dies so it's not a real need' is callous, and it's *that* attitude, more than the lack of sex, which causes resentment and distancing. 

  • Like 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Paneeda
4 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

lose A lot of people seem to be forgetting here that some asexuals are happy to compromise, or at least can do it for their partners sake. My sexual ex never would have left me because he got so much sex from me even though I hated every second of it and never wanted it for myself. I couldn't have gone on like that forever but if he was less abusive, kinder, more interested in giving me pleasure also (like foot massages!) I would have been able to do the compromise a lot more happily. In 5 years he never even made me a coffee or cooked me a meal, and screwed other women all the time :/ I was usually working, doing all the housework, feeding him, and having to give him sex twice a day to try to keep him happy. I do believe that if he'd been more 'normal' (like, wanting to make me happy too) it could have worked due to my willingness to compromise. I ended up leaving him due to violence during pregnancy (he's in jail now) but yeah, I'm just saying, sometimes asexuals are perfectly capable of compromising if they feel respected and loved by their partner. (And I was able to for 5 years even though I wasn't being respected in any way).

 

All that aside, after many years of celibacy after leaving him I finally met an asexual on AVEN and we began experimenting sexually and realized that with each other, we can enjoy certain sexual acts enough to actually want to have them together, that's why I don't ID as asexual anymore. But up until meeting him I was 'functionally' 100% asexual my entire adult life. Never desired or enjoyed sex in any way. Compromise was still possible though and I know plenty of other asexuals here who can compromise (and sexuals who can go with less sex, meaning both people in the relationship can be relatively happy intimately).

 

I'm just saying, an asexual/sexual relationship doesn't automatically equal total celibacy as some seem to think. Some asexuals sacrifice a lot to keep their sexual partner happy (just as some sexual people sacrifice a lot to keep their asexual partner happy!!).

 

 

Yes, exactly. I think we both are willing to compromise and he can go with less sex so we can be relatively happy. But I wouldn't want to hold him back if he did feel depressed by the lack of attention and intimacy either. 

 

I can imagine we will have an ongoing discussion about this in our relationship. Which I think is a good thing.

i wouldn't want us to grow apart over sex. 

 

This forum kicks ass btw, thanks for that! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
skyedive

This is mostly hypothetical because I'm not exactly a relationship person, but I don't think I could compromise and have sex with my partner, so I'd much rather they get it somewhere else. I wouldn't consider myself poly, but if I really wanted that relationship and they really needed sex, I think I could live with that.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121

I think if you are refusing to engage in sex full stop and you dismiss the idea of your partner having sex elsewhere, you are pretty selfish in my opinion. The only real exception to that is if the ‘no sex’ status was disclosed and put in place from the word go.

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
James121
11 hours ago, prib23 said:

And is there really any such thing as sexual "needs" ?  Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ?

Good question and I’ll answer it with a question. 

 

Have you ever heard of a child who’s mother didn’t love it/properly display love and as a result it died?

 

The answer is obviously no but that lack of feeling loved is clearly going to cause a mass of emotional scars and affect who that child grows up to be.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
17 minutes ago, James121 said:

Have you ever heard of a child who’s mother didn’t love it/properly display love and as a result it died?

Actually there are studies of emotionally neglected children in Russian and Romanian orphanages who physically 'failed to thrive', which is the same kind of thing.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

Have you ever heard of a child who’s mother didn’t love it/properly display love and as a result it died?

 

The answer is obviously no

In Bizarro World, maybe.

 

Granted, "didn't love it" can mean a whole slew of different things and not all of those things are necessarily life-threatening, but you bet your ass kids can die as a result of a parent not loving them.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
16 hours ago, prib23 said:

Trouble is if you are Asexual and your partner is sexual eventually they will want to be with a sexual partner for good. Especially if they develop an emotional bond. Then you will have out lived your usefulness. Unless they kept you around out of sheer guilt or pity. And is there really any such thing as sexual "needs" ?  Has anyone ever died of sexual deprivation ? Just questions. 

I think it depends on the partner. For some people sex is just a thing that they enjoy, and they could stay in a relationship while having sex with someone else.  For others though sex is tightly tied to love, so they would likely leave to be with this new person.

 

A question though - if you love somone, and you believe that for *them* love and sex are tightly intertwined, is it right to try to keep them with you if you  know they are missing out on love? 

 

As far as "needs": no one dies for lack of music, lack of freedom, lack of company, etc. You could live you life in solitary confinement.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, uhtred said:

You could live you life in solitary confinement. 

Which usually results in misery and madness.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Which usually results in misery and madness.

Yes.  And for a  sexual person, lack of sex generally results in misery - if maybe not madness. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now