First Relationship Worries

[imthemadhatter]

Hi all.

 

I’m a 22 year old female and in my first relationship. I have a few worries and not sure if they stem from the fact that I am/was asexual (?!) or just me being me. If anyone could give me any advice or even reassurance I’d really appreciate it. 

 

Firstly, we started having sex about two months in. I’m still quite apathetic about sex so I don’t actually mind having it but I get so incredibly awkward that I completely freeze up and just lie there and can’t even open my eyes. I want to be more involved but I feel so awkward about trying anything because I’ve never had sex before this and I will be hideous at it and don’t want to be embarrassed so I just shut down. I really don’t  want to do this but I can’t talk to him about it, which I’ll go into more in a bit.

 

Secondly, sex really hurts. I know it really upsets him so I try not to show it because it’s not his fault but I don’t get any pleasure from sex because all I can think is how much it hurts and just kind of waiting for it to be over which is awful because I really want to be intimate with him but it just really hurts. Also I thought after having sex for a while I’d be able to use tampons but I can’t even do that because it hurts so much. I’ve read up on this a bit and I don’t know why I’m asexual or if it is even related but I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and it could be trauma but I’m not sure why it would be like this and I can’t talk to anyone about it.

 

Following on from that is the fact that I physically can’t speak to him or anyone about anything emotional. I don’t know what it is, it’s like an extreme embarrassment. I can’t look at him when he tries to talk about sex, emotions or anything and it’s like I’m being choked and I physically cannot get any words out, no matter how much I want to. It really upsets him because he has no idea how I feel about anything and I really, really want to talk to him but I completely freeze and nothing happens. I don’t know why this happens but I can’t even talk to anyone else about it because the same thing happens. If I get completely black out drunk I can speak a tiny bit more but not a lot.

 

This is linked to my second point but I can’t initiate sex. It’s all an embarrassment thing. I think I would like to and I have an idea of what I would like during sex but I’m too embarrassed to start it because I don’t want him to think I’m needy and I don’t even know how to do it and I can’t talk to him to tell him what I want.

 

I really do love this man and I don’t want to lose him and he’s been so understanding and incredible but I fear when his love and patience is going to end.

 

I know a lot of my problems will be solved just talking to him but I physically can’t, it’s like I’m being choked I can’t get the words out so if anyone has any ideas how to talk to him in another way I’d reallt appreciate that.

 

Thanks for reading my rambling x

[FinneganCatch]

I don't know if this will help since your problems are different than mine but it helped for me to write things down, either in a letter format or any which way I felt like if it was something I had difficultly discussing or bringing up. It helped that I didn't have to be face to face or struggle to find the right words immediately since you can put writing down and come back to it if you need to. Its not as back and forth as talking but it's still a form of communication and it might help you? If you can't write specifically to him write something in general then let him read it or even leave it for him to find? Also if it hurts somethings wrong, really don't make yourself do something painful even if you think its the "right" thing to do (I'm not saying its right or wrong but I am well familiar with feeling the need to give someone intimacy so they won't leave/be disappointed/angry ect).  I'm also apathetic about sex and identify as asexual even though I have had sex before a number of times, it's something you have to figure out for yourself whether that's a label you think works for you. 

[Gldlynch]

Hey Imthemadhatter

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, it sounds like you are being dominated by your own anxiety.

 

The best advice I can give you is probably to seek some sort of professional help. I went through a minor traumatic experience during my early teenage years and it has heavily affected my perception of relationship and intimacy. When people advised me to start seeing a counsellor I was extremely hesitant because I didn't want to admit that I needed 'help' however I knew my issues weren't going to evaporate overnight. I went to my health and wellbeing University department and slowly opened up. Self-acceptance is the most difficult process but confronting my own truth really settled my emotions down.

 

Right now you may be embarrassed and scared to talk to your partner about your sex life so how about you try seeking a neutral medium? They honestly help. Through their help I gained a confident voice and started talking to other people about my sexuality and past experiences. I'm not totally healed yet but the improvement to my communication skills have been significant to my self-esteem.

 

Also, know that you are not alone. There are other people in the society who feel the same way as you do right now. Best of luck!

[rubyglo]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really rough and I can sympathize with a lot of what you're saying. I also freeze up when I try to communicate things that are uncomfortable for me. I imagine what I want to say and how I want to say it, but when I'm actually in front of the person, I can't make it happen. It's extremely defeating. 

 

I used to buy into society's criticism of communicating through writing rather than speaking. I try to ignore that these days because I've learned that this is how I am, I am much more capable of opening up to someone if I can write my thoughts out. The majority of the most vulnerable things my boyfriend and I say to each other are usually through texting. If it works for him and it works for me, hey! If you still feel like that's a cop-out, maybe you'd be okay writing it and then sitting with him while he reads it. That takes the communication one step further at least. Let him know ahead of time that you really want to open up to him but you're just more comfortable writing it out. I'm still trying to work on communicating better in person, but in the meantime, I write.