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Jeanniegirl1983

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Jeanniegirl1983

Hello,

I am here looking fo advice, as I am

totally lost! Brief background: I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years. We have 4 children. He has a lot of issues in his past (from childhood up), and so have I. He has had a lot of confusion regarding his sexuality over the years (first thinking he was gay, then bi, now asexual). I have tried to support him through all his problems, and I love him so, so much, but this latest revelation has completely done me in. I am a VERY sexual person, and I have sacrificed a lot to be with him. He and I got into a fight this past weekend, and he told me I needed to “think long and hard” about what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk more about it, but he shut me down. Since then I have been reading a lot about asexuality, trying to understand it better, but I am mildly resentful of him right now. I guess I just don’t understand how he could go from being so amorous in our early years to this now. Can this happen? I would welcome any stories anyone may have that are similar to mine, and any advice regarding my situation from someone who may have been there. Thanks so much!

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Galactic Turtle
30 minutes ago, Jeanniegirl1983 said:

I guess I just don’t understand how he could go from being so amorous in our early years to this now.

Realizing one's asexuality isn't the same as not being amorous/him not loving you.

 

Did he say he's asexual as in "I will never have sex with you again, accept it or leave"? 

 

 

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Jeanniegirl1983

Basically he said that he has no sexual desire for me (even for small things, like kissing, etc.), and that he could “possibly” get in the mood, but that it was unlikely.

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Galactic Turtle
13 minutes ago, Jeanniegirl1983 said:

Basically he said that he has no sexual desire for me (even for small things, like kissing, etc.), and that he could “possibly” get in the mood, but that it was unlikely.

Usually the solutions are:

1. Consider a sexually open relationship.

2. Compromise/experiment (doesn't take any blood flow to move your fingers).

 

And again, not desiring you sexually isn't the same as not loving you. If your issues are also present in other emotional areas of the relationship then him being asexual or not doesn't really matter. That's more of an issue of his disinterest in you as a partner in general... should that be the case.

 

It could help to talk about all the various forms of intimacy and tackle them one by one. Something simple like... talking about your day...

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you and it's not your fault he feels this way, so don't take it to heart. Perhaps there'll be some middle way that suits both of you, you just have to work out between you what it is.

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Jeannie 

 

If you haven't discovered it already, have a read of the Partners, Friends and Allies section of this forum. You are not alone. 

 

But a quick Asexuality For Partners #101...

  • He may have been apparently sexual earlier on through a combination of trying to be 'normal', enjoying sex as a kind of masturbation but involving someone else's body, and trying for please you. And then as time went on, he just couldn't sustain that effort. 
  • He'll never desire you in the way you desire him, and probably never did. That could in theory leave room for compromise if he's able to have some kind of sexual activity for your sake, but it'll be an ongoing stress, and sex will never be joyous and uncomplicated.
  • He probably does love you, but sex would detract from the relationship rather than add to it, from his perspective 
  • He doesn't owe you sex, but you both owe each other communication. Closing down isn't acceptable, just as it wouldn't be for any other relationship issue. Even if the lack of sex doesn't end the relationship,  the lack of communication will.
  • Kids and years of history are probably going to make this a last resort,  but if you decided you can't take the situation, splitting up over no sex - every again - isn't shallow or selfish, any more than splitting up over say, your partner deciding never to talk to you again would be.
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Jeannine, 

 

I am truly sorry this has happened. Quite reasonably you anticipated that sex would be an integral part of the intimacy in your marriage and yet now the carpet has been whipped from beneath your feet. Personally I believe, just as an affair is immediate grounds for divorce, I believe that telling your spouse you have no desire should equal the same.

You need to speak with your husband and discover whether this is a medical issue, a sexuality issue or just a selfish issue.

Words can’t describe how selfish he sounds!

 

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16 hours ago, Jeanniegirl1983 said:

I guess I just don’t understand how he could go from being so amorous in our early years to this now. Can this happen?

Yes, sexuality can change. The most respectful thing you can do is take him at his word that he's asexual, and not make him doubt his stated orientation. It probably took him a lot to figure this out and to come out to you. It's great that he discovered something about himself. He probably still loves you too; people can be asexual and still desire romance, as these are considered separate things. I'd recommend watching the documentary film about asexuality, as it will give you a richer perspective to see and hear aces tell their stories. Better yet, watch the film together! :)

 

You could ask him about his asexuality and what he wants in the relationship. Every ace is different and I'm sure you could come up with all sorts of questions to help you understand what he's experiencing. And he probably wants something more than "to not have sex." Is he interested in cuddling? Is he interested in hugging or holding hands? Is he interested in just talking? Get him talking so he describes ways to share closeness that interest him, in whatever forms they may be.

 

12 hours ago, James121 said:

Words can’t describe how selfish he sounds!

Is he selfish for not experiencing sexual desire? I think he has the right to control his body and she has the right to desire sex, so neither one is wrong.

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I think my asexual wife started with realizing that she didnt feel the desire for sex after 15+ years of struggling with the sex issue, blaming all sorts of wrong things. After we realized that everything, even retrospectively, was different. Then she began to forget the hugs, kisses and warm embraces, which she wasnt good at before. I think it is a matter of “how the cup is now full” and no need to make it run over again.

we have tried to make arrangements, schedules and set date-nigths to have sex. Mostly for me. Sometimes a bit of a massage-like feel to it. On good days, she can enjoy it as well. Mostly it is my project and her giving me a helping hand (pun intended). I need to focus on how she loves me and does it out of love, but it can be hard to not feel hurt and lonely once in a while. I am sure it is not easy for her either, but I think it just doesnt fly that much in on her radar!

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Jeanniegirl1983

Thank you all for you input! We will definitely be having a serious conversation this weekend about our relationship, and what this means for us. 😃

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