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ThatBlueChick

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ThatBlueChick

Hey all! I guess I'll cut right to the chase, I've been in a serious relationship for ten months now and my boyfriend has just come out to me as asexual, although I've had a feeling for quite some time now. He gave me the option to leave the relationship but I didn't want it.

I'm feeling a little nervous but also relived. I guess I'm just needing a little support or advise on how to handle this for myself and how to support him.

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Hi!

I think it's awesome that you didn't leave your boyfriend because he is asexual.

You can support him by simply accepting who he is. It will mean a lot to him.

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Hi ThatBlueChick

 

Not "leaving" your boyfriend due to his asexuality is truly a devotion of love, especially if you are a sexual person. I agree with RandomDolphin, support who he is. There may be times when he doubts your relationship because you come from different ends of the spectrum, in those moments reassure you are there with him for the long run.

Sounds like you two are a great match!

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If you're okay never having sex again because the rest of the relationship outweighs that negative, that's great; equally if he feels able to compromise and have sex,  that's great too. But if either of you gets to feel that compromise is unsustainable because it's affecting your individual happiness too much, don't feel hemmed in. Sex is a big deal for both of you - him because (I'm assuming) he doesn't want it, and you because you do. It wouldn't be shallow or superficial for either of you to find love didn't conquer all. Plenty do.

 

I'm not saying break up. In fact, tacitly giving yourself that option may mean you feel the pressure lessens and makes it easier to stay. 

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If sex in a relationship does not matter then sex outside the relationship does not matter.  If he is asexual and he truly loves you, he should open things up, with clear communication and boundaries.   Maybe he can cuck.  Even if he does not want sex, if he truly loves you he should get enjoyment from seeing you happy.   

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1 minute ago, IronHamster said:

If sex in a relationship does not matter then sex outside the relationship does not matter.  If he is asexual and he truly loves you, he should open things up, with clear communication and boundaries.   Maybe he can cuck.  Even if he does not want sex, if he truly loves you he should get enjoyment from seeing you happy.   

...Or if she truly loves him and would get enjoyment from seeing him happy, she will totally renounce her desire for sexual intimacy and live happily in celibacy with him. See, it works both ways. I just said exactly what you said, but from the asexual's perspective. It's not very nice, is it?

 

Interestingly enough, there are relationships where BOTH partners try to meet each other half way to try to make each other happy, I hope that this is the sort of relationship the OP can have instead of her stomping all over her partners needs (for love and intimacy without sex) to seek her own happiness, or him stomping all over her needs (to be sexually loved at least sometimes) for his own happiness. Maybe they can compromise and find a way where they can at least be marginally happy intimately.. it really depends on what the OP is willing to give up, and how much her partner is able to give her intimately.

 

There's no need to encourage someone to instantly disregard their partners feelings so they can seek fulfillment outside of the relationship, this is a support forum, not a 'see if he'll cuck, go out and fuck or you'll never be happy' forum. It's no different than if I said to her 'If you truly love him you'll never ask him for sex and you'll find a way to be happy with total celibacy forever if you want him to be happy''. Neither option is healthy for a relationship if you're completely disregarding the other person's needs and happiness. Maybe he'll compromise, or maybe there are things he can do intimately that can satisfy her.. she won't know until her and her partner have at least given this a proper chance.

 

Anyway, welcome to AVEN @ThatBlueChick, hopefully you can find some good advice and support here and I wish you well in your relationship! Asexual/sexual relationships certainly don't always work out, but we do have some mixed couples here who have been together for years and are actually pretty happy!! :)

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JellyfishWishes

I'm the ace in my relationship and we've been together for 8 years, married for 1 (9 amazing years with my best friend)

Honestly @ThatBlueChick, everyone seems to be starting to make this WAY more dramatic than it is.

CALM DOWN EVERYONE ELSE- I'm not blaming anyone or saying anyone's wrong, or trying to scare this poor soul- just that the best advice that applies to every relationship without exception is to relax.

 

if you were happy with him before there's no reason you can't be happy with him now. his asexuality was already a part of him when you fell in love.

 

My husband is bisexual and very flirtatious. I'm asexual and dense as a post. We have sex as he/we want to, and are even up for bringing more to the bedroom.

 

From the outside looking in, you'd assume that I, the ace in the deck, am holding him in a sexless life and denying him outside pleasure and you would be 100% wrong.

and likewise, you'd assume he, the sexual, is banging every piece that gives him any attention just so he can get what he's been denied at home. wrong again.

 

The point is you don't have to set up a strict bible for your sex life now, just keep doing what you've been doing, but more honestly. If you want some affection, let him know by actions or words. If he doesn't feel like going all the way, he should let you know by either actions or words. Not everything is such a tv drama. Its just life. You've been enjoying each other's company and learning new things about each other for however long now, why does it have to change just because he decided to be a little more honest with you? When my angel came out to me it was a huge trust-milestone. Maybe that's what this is for you. Either way, just relax. :) 

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First of all, you need to communicate about what the situation is now and how you want to go on from there and in which direction. To me, it was a help to accept sex to be her giving me a massage done with love, and trying to not put to much sexyness into the deal, as this really bugs her.

know this:

1. He will never sexually desire you. Not even in your best dress, underwear or hair-do. Ever. He may be okay with being part in a sex act for you.

2. Many sexuals cannot live happily ever after (the out of the closet-thing) unless both try really hard to find a good solution.

 

Personally I need my wife to show me both interest and reassurement of her love, to not let me think that we have just turned into normal friends. 

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On 2/11/2018 at 3:38 AM, FictoVore. said:

...Or if she truly loves him and would get enjoyment from seeing him happy, she will totally renounce her desire for sexual intimacy and live happily in celibacy with him. See, it works both ways. I just said exactly what you said, but from the asexual's perspective. It's not very nice, is it?

Definitely not very nice, nor possible.   One cannot just turn off sexual desire.  It is much easier for an asexual to accept and embrace the needs of their partner.  

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It is much easier for an asexual to accept and embrace the needs of their partner.

I'm sure you would know that, being asexual yourself and all, right?

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18 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I'm sure you would know that, being asexual yourself and all, right?

It is simple logic.  If your partner was an organic life form and required oxygen, you would not ask them to stop breathing.  Suppressing sexual desire is unhealthy.  My asexual wife wishing I'd not masturbate is literally wishing I would get cancer.  

 

Sorry, passing that sick twisted suppression off as love just does not pass the smell test.  Of course she does not love me.  It is only about control.  

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It is simple logic.  If your partner was an organic life form and required oxygen, you would not ask them to stop breathing.

Too bad sex and oxygen are nowhere near equivalent on any sort of "things required to live" hierarchy.  You'd do well to double check that sort of thing before trying to make an appeal to "logic"

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10 hours ago, IronHamster said:

My asexual wife wishing I'd not masturbate is literally wishing I would get cancer.  

Please look up the meaning of the word "literally".

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You see?  The exact reason WHY so many asexuals don't take so many sexuals seriously about the lack of sex in their lives is because of the gross exaggerations! 

 

Sex is NOT like oxygen.  One will literally DIE from the lack of oxygen.  They will not die from the lack of sex.

Sex is NOT like food.  One will, again, DIE from the lack of food, after a certain point.  They will not die from the lack of sex.

Sex is NOT like water.  Again, one will DIE from the lack of water, after a certain point.  They will not die from the lack of sex.

 

And the lack of sex OR masturbation is NOT like getting CANCER, fercryinoutloud.

 

I have called other people out on this crap before on other forums, and they have admitted that they were exaggerating. 

 

And please, don't start talking about "mental health" or even physical health.  It's common knowledge that one can be mentally and physically healthy WITHOUT sex. 

 

...as asexuals have proven over and over again...

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, vega57 said:

 

And please, don't start talking about "mental health" or even physical health.  It's common knowledge that one can be mentally and physically healthy WITHOUT sex. 

 

...as asexuals have proven over and over again...

No, they've proven asexuals don't have any problems not having sex. And not having sex while not in a relationship is one thing, and sexuals do miss it. Not having sex while you're in a relationship is worse, because of the ongoing rejection. 

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On 11.2.2018 at 7:07 PM, JellyfishWishes said:

if you were happy with him before there's no reason you can't be happy with him now. his asexuality was already a part of him when you fell in love.

QFT. Every "label" out there merely describes something that's already there. If you've been fine before, I don't see why things would have to change now - unless the respective partner put up a show and "coming out" catches the sexual partner by surprise. (Just leaving this here as a general statement, not saying that anyone involved in this did that).

 

@ThatBlueChick I particularly like the awareness of the option to leave - not as a threat, but as a legitimate solution should any of the partners involved find themselves in an unhappy situation. Nobody should feel "stuck" in a relationship.

 

Looks like you're on the right track :cake:

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1 hour ago, Homer said:

If you've been fine before, I don't see why things would have to change now

'If' is the thing. Chances are his coming out wasn't out of the blue, and big revelations (either him about himself, or telling other people) are generally rooted in need.

 

If that need was for an explanation for why sex was a point of tension, then maybe having an explanation will at least give you something to build on to resolve that, one way or another.

 

If the need was simply him understanding why he feels differently about sex than you do, I'm not sure why he'd feel that need if it changed nothing; and I doubt the  OP would be posting here if it wasn't a problem in some way. 

 

So if he's just making an observation about having discovered a label, on the level of 'turns out people with different coloured eyes are called heterochromics', then, no, it doesn't make any difference. Otherwise, it does seem to me that things weren't fine before, and some kind of change is on the horizon.

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There can be many reasons to feel ‘suffocated’ in a relationship. When one part is to much in control. When one part is never heard. When one has never their ‘say’ in decisions about what to do. Or a ton of other things. Sex is not vital as air, but it can be important in order to feel in balance. (For those who are sexual) Less sexual also equals less importance and sometimes even important to not have it.

 

Please, listen to us, when we say, sex is important to us and to our happyness. Not only sex, though, but also sex.

...we just attempt to use an analogy by comparing to air or conversation or water or food. Our strive to stay alive is stronger than our lust for sex. Being alive is not the same as living a good and full life.

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10 hours ago, MrDane said:

Our strive to stay alive is stronger than our lust for sex. Being alive is not the same as living a good and full life.

But people can live a good and full life WITHOUT sex.  They can live a good full life without making millions of dollars each year...or climbing K2...or eating filet mignon every night...or driving a $120,000 USD car...having designer clothes...etc. 

 

Unfortunately, too many people focus on what they DON'T have (that they often believe they "deserve"), and they believe that they can't be happy without it.  

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6 hours ago, vega57 said:

But people can live a good and full life WITHOUT sex.  They can live a good full life without making millions of dollars each year...or climbing K2...or eating filet mignon every night...or driving a $120,000 USD car...having designer clothes...etc. 

Most people don't have those. Being rich, climbing K2, fine food, an expensive car, designer clothes aren't a fundamentally hard wired into every species for evolutionary survival. A better comparison would be saying people don't need a roof over their head, a sense of purpose, food, or clothing for a good and full life, which is clearly wrong.

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6 hours ago, vega57 said:

But people can live a good and full life WITHOUT sex.  They can live a good full life without making millions of dollars each year...or climbing K2...or eating filet mignon every night...or driving a $120,000 USD car...having designer clothes...etc. 

 

Unfortunately, too many people focus on what they DON'T have (that they often believe they "deserve"), and they believe that they can't be happy without it.  

I was talking about most sexual people with a sexual drive. A libido. We, sexuals, have other plans and projects and goals apart from sex. I would even go as far as to say that if I didnt have to use so much energy on ‘dealing’ with the sex/affection that I dont have, then I would have more energy, better sleep, less relationship worries.

 

If you want a more easy to understand analogy, thenthis:  I am born with a drug abuse. I get my drugs from chemical releases during sex. It comes with a feeling of commitment, love and connection when performed with a partner who I love, respect and care for and when the feelings are mutual, then nirvana is reachable. How and how much can change.

I would be sure to pack some of ‘my drugs’ if I were to venture on to a loong trip, like reaching the K2. Going without, just makes the trip a bit harder and the possibility of succes seems farther off. 

There is nothing to fix my drug addiction. I can think about other stuff or have other plans and even forget about it. Eventually my addiction will kick in again and it will cloud my mind. 

 

On this forum, I am often the one who is broken. Outside of Aven, I will be normal and with a healthy appetite for life and sex.

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