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Asexual & illicit photos


KazBrown

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Hi I’m new to this forum, but I am going out of my mind as I am so confused.  I was married to a man for 12 years who was 30 years old when I first met him.

 

He took everything slowly when it came to initimacy.  Throughout the marriage he just wasn’t bothered about initiating sex.  He wasn’t interested in touching my bottom or boobs or even wanting a massage when I would offer one.  He would say he was tired or stressed.  I was even worried on my wedding night and honeymoon whether he would want to make love.  There was just no passion.  Anyway we are divorced now and I keep trying to work out why he was not interested sexually in me.  

 

After seperating from from him he started a relationship with a woman 15 years younger than him.  I have since found some photos of his willy on an old computer and this has totally thrown me as I now wander if he wasn’t interested in having sex with me because he was having an affair.   Has anyone got any advice please as this is driving me mad 

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What are the photos, er, like, exactly? are they erect pics? I can't really see why else a married guy would have pics of that unless he is sending them to someone else :o Is he sexually active with the younger woman I wonder?

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Hi KazBrown

 

This sounds like an interesting situation...

 

Honestly, I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion of him having an affair, maybe try ask him if this was the case though?

There is a chance he very well could be asexual or simply have a low libido.

Think carefully, while the two of you were married, was he emotionally open to you? Was the only thing that was missing from your time together, sex? If this is the case, then asexuality is on the cards but if no, I think it would be okay to ask him for some answers.

 

Best of luck!

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I can't see any other reason for him to have pictures of his willy on the PC than to send them to someone, with all that implies... the question is why. It might be that he just didn't fancy you, or maybe he was trying to figure out what was going on with himself, and some kind of cybersex experiment was part of that. A lot of asexuals don't like touch, have issues around physical closeness etc. (and some don't) so something online might've been related to that.

 

So while it's going to be painful to have to rewrite how you understood your relationship with him, the only way you'll find out for sure is by asking him. Even then he might not tell you the truth...

 

Probably one of those things it's better to try not to torment yourself with, difficult though that is.

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It would matter, for instance, if the OP had come to the conclusion the marriage didn't work because he was asexual, because that would mean it wasn't anything she did. But if her ex was having an affair, it implies it was a specific issue between them.

 

Rationally, of course, it makes no difference, but these things are easier to come to terms with when you can get a coherent narrative together in your head. Sending people dick pics isn't consistent with being asexual, and I can see why that would bother the OP.

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In some circumstances I guess it could be. For instance if it was an affair, the reasons for it could change how OP behaves in subsequent relationships; then there's risk of STDs, etc. But mostly it's about how we understand ourselves and the world.

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Would he have been having an affair since the wedding night and honeymoon?

 

Could he be a cyber exhibitionist who sends out pics to groups of other exhibitionists and voyeurs?

 

Lucinda

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1 hour ago, Jade Cross said:

I thought regular check ups were a part of marriage? Or do people completely disregard them after saying "I do"?

 

People rarely modify their behaviour after a certain age range as well. Unless this is a 18-21 couple story, at best, I would think that the only alteration would be that in any future cases, the lack of sex works as an indicator that the relationship will not last or yield desired results. But that is already a pre existing condition for most relationships is it not?

 

 

I've never heard of regular STD checkups being part of marriage. It's mostly monogamous, so why would there be a need? In fact, finding out your partner had an STD check up would be a red flag for many people.

 

I disagree about people rarely changing after a certain age. If you learn that you're, for instance, overly needy, or tend not to spend much time with your partner and this is likely to be a problem, you'd at least try to do something about it, if not in your current relationship, then in others. Even if it was rare, it's not something to write off as a good reason to want to understand the dynamics of your relationships better.

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3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It would matter, for instance, if the OP had come to the conclusion the marriage didn't work because he was asexual, because that would mean it wasn't anything she did. But if her ex was having an affair, it implies it was a specific issue between them.

 

If someone is having an affair, that is an issue with them and no one else. They could have decided to break up or get divorced but instead they chose to cheat. Not everyone would choose to be that inconsiderate.

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1 hour ago, Wish Bear 🌠 said:

 

If someone is having an affair, that is an issue with them and no one else. They could have decided to break up or get divorced but instead they chose to cheat. Not everyone would choose to be that inconsiderate.

Have you read any of the thread?

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1 hour ago, Jade Cross said:

Part of the marriage ritual (yes it is a ritual when you consider all the things you have to do prior to walking down the isle) is to carry out lab works in order to find out if 1) any of the persons involve have an STD and 2) To ensure (or so they claim) that there is a good chance for a healthy offspring(s).

 

Plus, as a general safety rule (unless thats just something only in the med field), regular check ups are, not demanded, but highly encouraged. Or again, is that something only valid in the med field?

 

I dont participate in relationships but the majority Ive seen (from family, coworkers and the like) people hardly change. They just perpetuate the same cycle over and over again.

 

 

Honestly Jade, I've never heard of ongoing health checks, let alone specifically STD checks being part of a marriage agreement, and certainly not in the wedding ceremony.

 

You're right, people do tend to repeat cycles, but generally not by conscious choice. I was putting it forward as a way in which understanding what happened with a previous relationship might be life changing though, not as necessarily a common occurrence. You've shifted the goal posts.

 

But I don't think any of this is actually why the OP is posting. It's pretty standard at the end of a relationship to spend some time figuring out what went wrong - even if it's not something you can change, it helps make sense of a deeply traumatic event so you can move on. It seems that the OP had concluded her ex was effectively asexual, but the photos bring that into question, and she's asking for suggestions to try to make sense of the new information. It's not necessarily about obtaining directly actionable new facts.

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Just to clarify re tests... People do get tested sometimes going into a new relationship, clearly, bit since mostly they'll have been in a monogamous sexual relationship for a while before they get married, I really don't see why they would have those tests pre-wedding. Let alone annually, or whatever.

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It is possible he was sending the pictures to other men.  There are a fair number of gay men who are either unable or unwilling to admit their orientation - sometimes not even to themselves. 

 

 

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Thank you for your replies, you are absolutely right Telecaster68 I am just trying to make sense of where it all went wrong so I can move on.  I didn’t understand why he showed no urge or passion towards right from the beginning of the relationship and thought it was just because he felt tired or stressed.  He never initiated sex with me and even avoided me.  I’m not sure if he fancied me or not all I know is that little changed over the years.  I was absolutely shocked when I saw the photos knowing how disinterested he was in sex right from the beginning and I just wanted to know if anyone else had any experiences of the same type of thing.  I can not speak to him about it as we have no relationship and I don’t trust him to tell me the truth.  That is why I feel so tortured by it all.  

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OP: There are many reasons he might have those pics. My ex actually had me take pics of his penis for him so he could post it on a site to be rated - one of those anonymous hot or not sites, specifically for penises. A lot of guys had uploaded their photos onto it, which I found odd, but it's apparently a confidence booster or something. So, only reason to know why he had such photos is to ask... and if it was an affair he could lie. But, at least you'll hear his explanation? 

 

As for tests Jade - I've never heard of them as part of marriage, either. I know it's recommended when you first begin dating exclusively to have yourself tested, then a year after that, since some STDs don't show up right away but I've never met anyone in a long-term relationship that has STD screenings with their partner cause they trust they aren't doing anything to risk it.

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19 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

 

I guess alot of people didnt trust their patners. Or maybe they were the ones running around screwing other behind their backs (possibly explains all the cases I saw. Probably why the divorce rate is so high too)

Possibly. Or, if you're talking about people in the medical field, you can get some STDs from accidental pricks of a syringe while taking blood on a patient, or the patient fighting, or a broken glove when handling blood, etc so they probably test themselves more often for that reason. 

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On 2/9/2018 at 7:34 AM, Jade Cross said:

Part of the marriage ritual (yes it is a ritual when you consider all the things you have to do prior to walking down the isle) is to carry out lab works in order to find out if 1) any of the persons involve have an STD and 2) To ensure (or so they claim) that there is a good chance for a healthy offspring(s).

 

I've never heard of that.  The "ritual" part is generally the marriage ceremony, and that has nothing to do with lab tests.  

 

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