Cel1992 Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 Hi, I’m new to this site and i want to ask for some advice so that I can be a better partner for my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I are in a 3year monogamous lesbian relationship. At the beginning of our relationship we would be intimate several times a week (mostly initiated by her). After the first year it went down to once every two to four weeks, and now it’s been eight months since she’s let me touch her. She doesn’t mind getting me “off” once a month but she recently told me that she finds it to be a chore and would rather not do anything at all. This wouldn’t really be a problem if she wouldn't get angry and jealous whenever she found out that I masterbated. So I’ve stopped doing it but because I’m sexually frustated I have a short temper and I get sad really easily. An an other problem we have is that every time I talk about it with her she tells me that she’s feeling pressured by me to do anything sexual. So I’ve stopped bringing up the subject entirely and we haven’t talked about it in weeks. I did some research on the subject and we both agreed that she might be asexual because she is just not interested in sex at all but she still loves me a lot and doesn’t mind cuddling with me and kissing me every once in a while. So so what I’m asking is, how do you cope sexually with someone who’s asexual? What can I do to make fer feel more comfortable talking with me about the subject? How do I talk to her about it without having her feel bad or guilty about her sexuality? Should I just not talk about the subject at all? Thanks for any helpful tips or any educational thoughts you have for me. Cel Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted February 8, 2018 Share Posted February 8, 2018 Welcome Cel. First things first, you really need to reestablish the communication in the relationship, because you are clearly suffering because of it. If she's feeling pressured you have to stop but if you're feeling sexually frustrated you don't get to deal with it? That doesn't sound fair. She should probably at least let you masturbate, it doesn't involve her, so why should she get so frustrated over it? Unless you're doing it directly in front of her and making her uncomfortable there really shouldn't be that much of an issue here, you do have your own sexual needs after all. You need to tell her how you feel. Explain to her how much you love her, and how you don't want to pressure her, but you need to find a compromise, because this isn't working out for you. She needs to understand that you have needs too, and even though she doesn't experience them she shouldn't be so dismissive of your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 22 hours ago, Lichley said: Welcome Cel. First things first, you really need to reestablish the communication in the relationship, because you are clearly suffering because of it. If she's feeling pressured you have to stop but if you're feeling sexually frustrated you don't get to deal with it? That doesn't sound fair. She should probably at least let you masturbate, it doesn't involve her, so why should she get so frustrated over it? Unless you're doing it directly in front of her and making her uncomfortable there really shouldn't be that much of an issue here, you do have your own sexual needs after all. You need to tell her how you feel. Explain to her how much you love her, and how you don't want to pressure her, but you need to find a compromise, because this isn't working out for you. She needs to understand that you have needs too, and even though she doesn't experience them she shouldn't be so dismissive of your needs. Pretty much straight down to the point I guess. Open, honest communication is crucial just as personal freedom, acceptance and balance. Just because she might be ace, doesn't mean that you must surpress your own sexual needs. I don't get her point of feeling jealous there either. If she really loves you, she should be able to deal with it to give you a chance to satisfy your libido. You have the right to take care of yourself to stay happy and relaxed. So, I really hope you can talk things out. Link to post Share on other sites
SilentRose Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 ...as far as her being almost threatened by your masturbation...I'm wondering if she's nonlibidoist? ...it sounds to me like it's possible she truly doesn't understand what masturbation is or why people do it, because if she did she wouldn't feel so attacked by it. My advice is pretty much echoing the others... Assure her that you'll never force or pressure her of course, and then that you do need more open communication for the relationship to be healthy. I would highly consider telling her that masturbation is just a means to release a physical urge you can't control, not something you're doing to make her feel sexually inadequate, because if she doesn't have a libido she might genuinely not understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonemathsytoothbrushthief Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 I just want to clarify something here as well: I wouldn't consider your girlfriend's jealousy of you even in just masturbating as something to be respected as part of her sexuality and identity. It's something she should have to deal with more than you, and you shouldn't have to feel like the relationship problems are on you when she's trying to tell you what to do with your own body. You can work through it together if you want, but I think it's important that she accepts responsibility for how it's affecting your relationships. I wish you luck, this sounds like a really difficult situation for you. And sorry if this comes across as harsh towards her, I know it's more complicated than that to try and resolve this. Link to post Share on other sites
:)(: Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Hi, so I have a squish on this kid and I recently moved out her class but I keep on popping up half b/c I wanna see her half because I had stuff to do and had to stay. Anyway yesterday it seemed like she forced herself to talk to me and that made me upset because I though we were friends and stuff. So I said “that seems forced” without thinking. Right now now I don’t know if I just should apologize or avoid her b/c I think she may be on to me and I already seemed needy ... Link to post Share on other sites
banoffeepie Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 Hi, @Cel1992 and welcome It's not going to work if your girlfriend won't tolerate masturbation. It's totally unreasonable to expect you to deny such fundamental drives just because she doesn't have them. I'm surprised she said that sex with you was a chore. That's very very insensitive and hurtful and I can't see how anyone can come back from saying that. But there's one aspect that people gloss over quite often and that's the fact that aces are not devoid of feelings just because they don't want sex, jealousy needs to be understood. Sometimes the value of a gift is less important than the fact that you were given it. When you commit to someone you give them your intimacy. It's a huge compliment to do that and the fact that it was given is a gesture of devotion. So as your girlfriend has become less involved in your sex life, she's probably got huge feelings of inadequacy/ guilt. She's holding on to your gift but she's not doing what she should.. or what you want with it. By talking about masturbating you're basically asking for that gift you've given back again. Because you girlfriend is 'useless' with it. There's where the hurt comes in, magnified by the inadequacy and the knowledge that fantasies are at play and probably won't feature a partner who's useless in that area. Just because it's not valid to keep the gift of intimacy doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's taken away. Last week there was a sexual guy on here saying that his asexual wife was upset when he suggested an open marriage and he couldn't understand her attitude. She must have been totally, totally crushed. If one of my kids died from a terminal illness I wouldn't expect someone to say 'Why are you upset? What did you expect? I mean it was a terminal illness !' So it seems there's been a huge amount of damage from her saying sex was a chore. But you can't remain with everything her way. So I guess you have to split up, masturbate but not let on, or ideally go back to a point where you share sex. The cure for jealousy btw is to show some jealousy back. It's a behaviour of insecure people who want to feel that you only want them and you don't want them straying. Most people do the opposite and try and show how not-jealous they are. This is the worst reaction, making the insecurity worse. I think ideally aces can really enjoy being part of their sexual partner's fulfillment, with the right attitude. It must be wonderful to see someone you love enjoying time with you so much even if your participation is driven by different reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Cel1992 Posted February 11, 2018 Author Share Posted February 11, 2018 Thanks a lot guys, there are quite a few subjects that I haven’t even considered until you brought it up. I will talk to her and give you guys an update as soon as I can Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted February 11, 2018 Share Posted February 11, 2018 14 hours ago, Cel1992 said: Thanks a lot guys, there are quite a few subjects that I haven’t even considered until you brought it up. I will talk to her and give you guys an update as soon as I can ...I think you should stand on your rigth to have deligthful sexual release in your life. If you are able to do it on your own and in private, then she has no rigth to stop you. She has the rigth to leave, though. Not to control your sexuality. Why has she stopped wanting to participate in giving you sexual pleasure? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 18 hours ago, Cel1992 said: Thanks a lot guys, there are quite a few subjects that I haven’t even considered until you brought it up. I will talk to her and give you guys an update as soon as I can Something I'm curious about - have you asked her why your masturbation bothers her? Is it the material you use to get off (porn, erotica, etc) or just doing it at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Cel1992 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 So I talked with my girlfriend last night and she told me the reason why she gets upset when I pleasure myself is because she wants to be the only one doing it. She kept asking me “why do you need it? “ I told her that it’s like having an itchy back, sure it will go away eventually, but it feel better just to do something about it instead of feeling frustrated that’s it’s there. I’ve never considered her as controlling but after that comet it became clear to me that she might be. I love her very much, other than the sexual aspect I feel like she’s my soulmate, but I’m starting to feel like she’s trying to micromanage my sexuality now that she doesn’t have a libito and is trying to make me more like her. I don’t want to break up with her, but it’s becoming more and more a consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 She doesn't have to understand why you need to do it, just accept that you do, just as you accept that she doesn't need sex. If she's insistent it has to be her doing it for you, it's only fair that she needs to be up for it every time you ask. It might help to point that out. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 12, 2018 Share Posted February 12, 2018 4 hours ago, Cel1992 said: So I talked with my girlfriend last night and she told me the reason why she gets upset when I pleasure myself is because she wants to be the only one doing it. She kept asking me “why do you need it? “ I told her that it’s like having an itchy back, sure it will go away eventually, but it feel better just to do something about it instead of feeling frustrated that’s it’s there. I’ve never considered her as controlling but after that comet it became clear to me that she might be. I love her very much, other than the sexual aspect I feel like she’s my soulmate, but I’m starting to feel like she’s trying to micromanage my sexuality now that she doesn’t have a libito and is trying to make me more like her. I don’t want to break up with her, but it’s becoming more and more a consideration. Hmm. Could you ask her if it would help if you involved her in some way? Photos of her, etc to "get you in the mood", so she is involved in you doing it ... but she doesn't have to be the one actually doing it, since there is no way anyone can satisfy someones every sexual need (I mean, there are times you're not near each other or one is busy, etc even if she was willing to do it every single time you asked). Maybe if she feels like you're masturbating over wanting her, she might start to become more comfortable with the idea of you doing it. It sounds a lot like insecurity, like she's maybe scared she's "not enough" or failing you by you needing something more than what she gives and not understanding why you need it. But, she can't let her fears or jealousies control you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cel1992 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 The thing is I only really need it once a month (when I’m ovulating usually) when my hormones go crazy. And it’s not like I’m watching porn or forcing her to help me with it. I just need a quick 10-15 minutes to myself lol I think me might be needing to go see someone just to help with the communication. We both need to understand each other and I feel like we’re not achieving that unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Cel1992 Posted February 12, 2018 Author Share Posted February 12, 2018 Also I would like to thank everyone that contributed to this conversation! You guys are awesome! I’m so happy you all took time out of your busy lives to help a girl out Link to post Share on other sites
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