Could use some advice

[AyameK]

Hello all, new to the forums and new to the site. For starters, I am a pansexual girl with a high sex drive and my girlfriend is an asexual who sometimes experiences autochorissexualism. We have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years, going on 4 in July. However because my sex drive is so high the lack of relief puts me on edge, she wanted to start an open relationship, which I was hesitant about at first because I didn't want to hurt her but she insisted it was fine as long as there were no feelings involved. That was in Feb 2016. Jump to July 2017 and I started to fool around with a (now) best friend of mine. We decided to become friends with benefits as long as feelings were out the window. He had a small crush on me at the beginning of our friendship (we used to work together which is how we met) but he was able to push them to the side. Now my girlfriend absolutely hates this guy. And it's not because we're having relations, she hated him from the get go even though he's been nothing but a gentleman towards me. I hated that she wouldn't even give him a chance but I realized that you can't force someone to like someone else. Keep in mind he's the only person I've been with.

 

Sorry for rambling but I had to give a slight backstory, onto my problem. A few hours ago she texted me that she no longer wants to be in an open relationship; that the thought of me being with someone else hurts her and that she thinks about this a lot but never brought it up because she knew it satiated my drive. I told her that I was profusely sorry but that I wanted to keep doing this open relationship thing, at least for now until we started living together. She thinks that I'm prioritizing sex over her feelings which isn't true. I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but it does matter to me having this high of a sex drive (PCOS threw my hormones out of whack). I was already willing to push my needs to the side for her but once I started having sex it became a harder thing to do. She isn't looking to compromise at the moment but would like to know if I had anything to suggest and I can't think of anything. Am I being selfish? What compromises would you all suggest?

[cake_lover]

Don't let anyone else tell you what compromises you should make. I can tell you this much, you're not being selfish. You know you're not prioritising sex over her and that's what matters. At the end of the day, you will have to weigh options and see who's right and who's wrong and make a fair decision. 

[nerdperson777]

Your girlfriend seems a bit controlling to me.  It doesn't feel fair for you to not be able to relieve your drive, especially when it's that high.  If she wants to keep being in a relationship with you, I think she needs to give you a solution to your drive.  You're not selfish.  She suggested open first and took it back when it didn't suit her.  You should be able to keep it open if you want.  You have a say in it.  The only thing I can think of is that you satisfy your drive with self-stimulation?  Kind of what autochorissexual does.  If you can only be satisfied with partners, I don't have any ideas.

[Lara Black]

Hello, AyameK

And how do you plan your future together with this girl? If you look at the bigger picture, how does it look? Your sex drive isn’t going anywhere, and if your girlfriend doesn’t want to satisfy it, nor does she want you to have sex outside the relationships, then what?

I’m all for mixed relationships - I live in one myself - but it takes a lot for them to work. How is your going to work, realistically?

[AyameK]

16 hours ago, cake_lover said:

Don't let anyone else tell you what compromises you should make. I can tell you this much, you're not being selfish. You know you're not prioritising sex over her and that's what matters. At the end of the day, you will have to weigh options and see who's right and who's wrong and make a fair decision. 

Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it.

[AyameK]

14 hours ago, nerdperson777 said:

Your girlfriend seems a bit controlling to me.  It doesn't feel fair for you to not be able to relieve your drive, especially when it's that high.  If she wants to keep being in a relationship with you, I think she needs to give you a solution to your drive.  You're not selfish.  She suggested open first and took it back when it didn't suit her.  You should be able to keep it open if you want.  You have a say in it.  The only thing I can think of is that you satisfy your drive with self-stimulation?  Kind of what autochorissexual does.  If you can only be satisfied with partners, I don't have any ideas.

Yeah... it's usually her way or the highway with her. Gets kind of annoying but eh, what can you do. Now that I've had time to sleep on it I'm going to tell her that I should have a say in this since this is a pretty big decision to make. And on self-stimulation, I have no problems with that. In fact I do it all the time haha, but honestly after being with a person it's just not the same. It gets the job done sure but it doesn't really compare. I appreciate your advice and will see how it goes

[AyameK]

12 hours ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, AyameK

And how do you plan your future together with this girl? If you look at the bigger picture, how does it look? Your sex drive isn’t going anywhere, and if your girlfriend doesn’t want to satisfy it, nor does she want you to have sex outside the relationships, then what?

I’m all for mixed relationships - I live in one myself - but it takes a lot for them to work. How is your going to work, realistically?

I remember her saying in the beginning that once we live together (whenever that happens) she would try to have sex for me, but in the back of my mind I thought that if her heart wasn't in it then mine wouldn't be either. I don't want her to do something uncomfortable just so I can be happy... but you're right. At the end of the day my high drive will always be here. We haven't really talked about the possibility of her hating the act thus leaving me unsatisfied. Since you said that you're in a mixed relationship, could I ask how that is working out for you? If it's too personal I understand, and I thank you for making me think about the future. 

[Lara Black]

3 hours ago, AyameK said:

Since you said that you're in a mixed relationship, could I ask how that is working out for you? If it's too personal I understand, and I thank you for making me think about the future. 

It’s fine – I’ve already shared quite some on this forum.

I’m actually quite lucky as sexual partners go – my partner doesn’t have sex, but likes making out and giving me sexual pleasure. So, even though I don’t have traditional sex, I’m sexually satisfied. The problem is that I can’t give the same pleasure to him, and this sometimes really gets to me. And yes, I do miss traditional sex, but that can be tolerated with enough intimacy.

[Philip027]

Well, feelings do change and sometimes people find out they're actually not okay with things they thought they might be okay with.  Seeing as how she's the one that pushed you to go open though, she needs to take a little more responsibility for her actions...

 

That being said:

 

Quote

I told her that I was profusely sorry but that I wanted to keep doing this open relationship thing, at least for now until we started living together. She thinks that I'm prioritizing sex over her feelings which isn't true.

What exactly are you prioritizing, then?  I thought the open relationship thing was for sex and not for "feelings", as you stated?  What else are you hanging on to it for?

 

Let's not mince words, here -- you are prioritizing keeping the open/sexual element of your relationship over her wishes, otherwise you wouldn't have given her that "sorry, but..." statement.  Assuming you have continued with this open relationship, that clearly states that you're placing your desires over hers.  Which you're totally in the right to do if you so choose (again, as she encouraged you to do it in the first place, this isn't "cheating" or anything) but you should at least own up to that choice and state it for what it is, rather than try to give off this false sense of altruism.

[MrDane]

I’m just wondering... about the being open.

to choose to have sex with a friend, but attempting to not have feelings for him? But perhaps you mean, to not develop feelings further about being only you two? Should you just fuck and not talk? I get the jealousy, even from an asexual who doesnt want the sex. Are you ready to stop the sex with him, if she wants to start sex with you?

[anamikanon]

1. Sex "without feelings" rarely remains as intended. Sex is intense and expecting yourself or your partner to not develop feelings is not realistic.

 

2. Forgive me for being blunt, buy you and your girlfriend don't sound very suited to each other from what you have written. Unless she simply expects to wipe your own preferences to oblivion and assumes that you will become as she wishes you'd be, her asexuality and your hypersexuality aren't going to find middle ground without some sort of alternative sexual relationship for you.

 

3. She was the one to suggest an open relationship. She's the one calling a halt to it. But you are a person. So is your other partner. Expecting you to figure out your sexuality elsewhere and then being picky about that as well doesn't bode well for you being content in this relationship.

 

4. Unless you are very certain of why you want to be with her, you'd probably benefit from a time to reassess the compromises both of you are making in this relationship and whether it is realistic to expect them to happen long term.